My (30F) partner (31M) and I have been together 5 years and currently at the stage of deciding if marriage is the next step for us. So far, we are pretty sure but have a couple of doubts/fears.
One concern we’ve both discussed is that neither of us have felt that clear, magical “when you know, you know” feeling that people always talk about it. It feels like all the successful relationships have experienced this! And if we’ve not experienced it, is that because we’re not meant to be together? Why have we not experienced this overwhelming “knowing” feeling?! Is there someone else out there that we WILL feel this for?
For some quick context: we are very in love, very happy, have an incredible connection, have excellent communication, have completely aligned values and future goals etc. We have gone through the lists of things couples should discuss before marriage and all is great there too. But we both have anxiety & are reformed commitmentphobes lol, so these “WYKYK” worries have lingered a bit.
I’d love to hear stories of either:
1) Couples that never experienced that all-knowing “WYKYK” feeling but are in a happy marriage
2) Anyone that thought they experienced the “WYKYK” feeling but in the end the relationship didn’t work out?
23 comments
WYKYK is usually a lust/infatuation response.
In my opinion, once you and your partner are willing to stand by “Divorce is not an option, we will work through our issues with clear communication.” then that’s when you REALLY know.
We’ve been married for 26 years. We’ve had our major issues and minor issues. All of them we have leaned on each other and constantly communicate our needs, concerns, love, and fears…. and never once even joked about divorce.
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I felt the WYKYK but not in a magical way. Just like, a certainty that we could communicate through whatever life throws at us, a confidence that he will always be in my corner and I will be in his, and no second thoughts about what might go wrong. Basically just felt super confident in our relationship. No fears or issues that needed attention before we got started on “forever”.
When you know, you know is survivor bias through and through. My mom knew 4 times she wanted to be married, and the 4th is the only one that actually stuck. People also have an overinflated sense of personal judgement, so it makes them feel better about who they pick if they ascribe it to some mystical feeling and not a reasonable list of reasons why you like them and think they’re a good partner enough to stay together for ever.
Nobody actually knows for sure, we’re all just taking a crapshot and hoping our feelings don’t get hurt in the end.
I definitely did have this feeling (WYKYK), but I wouldn’t call it magical. If I could come up with ways to describe it it was like “huh, so this is how it’s supposed to feel!” (compared to everything before), or just a strong sense that I didn’t need to keep looking. Like “I got it right this time!” Not really a romantic swoony thing, more of a lightbulb moment. Felt totally sure it was the right call.
Nearly 28 years married. I don’t think there was a definite “now I know for sure” moment. There were quite a few “I don’t think anyone else would put up with my crap the way she does” moments though. In the end, it’s about finding someone you are confident you can build a life with. From the sounds of it, you two have that confidence and, more importantly, the trust in each other to know that you two can work through your issues together.
Personally, I think that as long as couples maintain that willingness to communicate, there really doesn’t need to be that “a ha!” or “Eureka!” moment of sudden enlightenment.
I married my WYKYK and i still have my doubts sometimes. Marriage is hard AF and the only thing you should KNOW is whether your partner puts effort and tries their best to make the relationship work. I think its normal to feel the “holy crap this is forever” type of thing. With that being said, if its not broken don’t fix it.
Well..do you look forward to seeing each other after being apart?
Our wedding was around 6 months after meeting each other. Been married over 20 years. Our decision to marry was a “how do you know?” Deep think after getting her pregnant.
The minister that married us met his wife over 20 years prior and was married within 3 days of meeting her.
And there is no place for the four horsemen in our marriage.
So when you know , you know, and every positive moment will be cherished but with every struggle, you will not be alone.
I married my WYKYK but it wasn’t like a lightening-bolt hitting me; it was a “I know no other man on the planet could fit me the way he does”-type feeling, after 3 years. You guys sound solid; you’ve had the future chats (I’m assuming about money and children), so I would proceed. Making it legal was just a whole ‘nother level of deep assurance we both weren’t going anywhere. Something about knowing he’s mine and no one else’s, and that we always come back together at the end of the day (even when I can’t stand the sight of him, lol) is a level of comfort I wish everyone would know at least once in their lifetime.
I felt the WYKYK feeling with my last boyfriend before my husband. I was MADLY in love we both KNEW two weeks into dating that we would get married. He ended up being incredibly abusive and I became an obsessive, insecure mess.
My husband and I never had the WYKYK feeling and our relationship is amazing. We communicate, we’re patient and understanding with each other, we’re aligned in our goals and values and parenting styles.
My conclusion is that the WYKYK feeling is based on infatuation and not love. My husband and I describe our love as a steady flame that feels so easy and secure, whereas our past infatuations felt like torches burning way too hot for comfort.
I don’t think you need that feeling for a marriage to work. I don’t think that everyone even experiences that feeling.
I felt WYKYK on our first date.
That was also the date where we dumped *a lot* of our baggage on the table. In fact, the first time we had a weekend together, his medical issues cropped up and he was convinced that I wouldn’t want to stay. I, being the stubborn individual I am, opted to stay anyway and spent a sleepless night questioning whether I could handle that relationship. I decided that it wasn’t a dealbreaker, so when we got married and his medical issues flared worse, it was hard but workable. I was mentally prepared.
Basically, the feeling has to be followed up with “I’m willing to make this work even when life is hard.” The feeling itself isn’t magic, the commitment still takes real work, but where it comes in is, the decision to do the work should be easy. I always feel like, no matter how hard our situation might be, I never want to be with anyone else. He’s my person, period.
I’m 32M been together with my wife 30F for 15 years. Married for 12 on a couple weeks. We didn’t have a WYNYK moment. We just kinda already knew. I didn’t even propose. Us being married was just something we knew was doing to happen and it did. I think it’s different for everyone.
I think the ultimate when you know moment is when you can honestly answer to yourself ” can I and do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person “?
I don’t know about WYKYK but I do know that when I had doubt I should have listened to myself. That marriage ended in divorce. I got married again and the feeling I had prior to walking down the aisle was way different – no doubts, very in love, etc. I don’t know, however, that I just knew. I knew this could be the one, but nothing in life is certain (other than death and taxes lol)
I definitely had a WYKYK relationship not work out. Heaves almighty, we fell so hard for each other. It was like the stars aligned and we found each other. It was great for about 2 years and then we grew apart. We were only 20 years old and didn’t want the same things for the future. It was a hard breakup.
I have now been married for over 25 years and not sure I had the WYKYK feelings. He did, I think. Through all of lives ups and downs, we have remained best friends and have always chosen each other.
Instead of waiting for the ‘magical feeling’, instead ask yourselves can you imagine living apart from this person? Can you imagine a your life without them or do you future dreams always include them? Those answers are much more important than a feeling that Disney and the LIfetime Movie Channel have made you feel you must experience. Love and relatiionships aren’t always fireworks and butterflies.
Well this just goes for me and my wife. We have been married 37 years and we love each other more today than when we got married. When your young it’s lust, hormones, ext. Now it’s respect, communication, knowing what the other person will say or think. Plus the intimacy is way better. My 2 cents.
I definitely had a WYKYK feeling with my husband, the first day we met we spent almost 20 hours non stop talking and told each other our deepest trauma and hardest times, things that we had never shared with anyone else. That night I found a person that could understand me at 100%, I felt such a deep connection with him and I knew that I had to pursue that relationship. A month and a half later we were engaged.
But you’re overthinking it. Two healthy and compatible people that are in love with each other and have similar goals/values in life are what is needed for a successful marriage. Don’t self sabotage what you have.
I’m going to copy and paste what I said in a similar thread a while back:
“8 months in we just knew! Engaged for a year… Divorced after 8 months.
My next relationship, he said he “just knew” two months in. I called BS, said you can’t “just know” because you don’t know if you’re wrong. I watched our relationship like a hawk and gave him permission to propose after a year and a half, after seeing how well we navigated stress and conflict together (and me going to therapy about my failed first marriage). It took him about six months to plan/execute his surprise proposal after that. We wanted a one year engagement but covid stretched us to two. We’ve now been married almost two years with our first baby due shortly after our anniversary. This is the healthiest relationship I’ve had in my life, and I’m so glad I had the strength to admit I was wrong about my first spouse.”
As others have said, WYKYK is definite survivorship bias. Every positive story about getting married on that gut feeling is luck, nothing else.
The connection you’ve described, being together five years with good communication, similar values and goals – THOSE are the right reasons to get married. Not some magical intuition.
I never experienced that WYKYK feeling when I met my husband and I’m pretty sure he didn’t either. Actually, I *know* he didn’t because it took him a long time to call me his girlfriend (even though he wasn’t seeing anyone else) and didn’t say “I love you” until almost two years of dating. 😂 But unlike the other guys I’ve dated, he was much more grounded and I felt like he took me more seriously when it came to my feelings and concerns. And unlike my exes, he just felt like home to me. We’ve been together for over 9 years and I love him so much. I know I can count on him and vice versa. We have inside jokes and we just understand each other. We’re each other’s best friends.
I did experience what I thought was a WYKYK with someone I dated several years ago. Very handsome, made good money, well traveled, and was just a fun person. In the end I was wrong because the circumstances weren’t right for us (he and I both moved to different places) and we couldn’t move forward with the relationship. Additionally he was lacking in the loyalty department; while he was extremely attracted to me when we first met he had a wandering eye. Oh well, it was a fun thing while it lasted! 😆
It’s pretty important. Psychologists say the initial spark between a couple can sustain a marriage for the long haul. Psychologists also say that it particularly matters how much the man likes the woman. Women largely select mates *based* on how much the man loves them, and there’s a biological reason. The man who’s head over heels is a lot more likely to stick around and provide for his offspring longterm. I can predict the longevity of my friends’ relationships just based on this single factor.
I’ve been with my husband 13 years and within a week of dating he said he knew he was going to marry me and would do so right then. 13 years later women still tell me they’re jealous of how much he adores me, spoils me, etc. And I felt it too, the first time I saw him I stopped in my tracks and stared. Then his girlfriend walked around the corner and I literally went in the bathroom and cried. It sounds kinda crazy to cry over a total stranger but that’s what happened. I’ll never forget how hopeless I felt about love that day because for a moment, I was sure I’d seen my person, and he was taken. A year later he was single and saw me for the first time and had the same moment, pursued me ever since. And I had to sit there and act like he hadn’t already broken my heart once 😆
I never had that when you know you know feeling. It was more like “what would my oife be like without him” feeling. When I realized that it would basically feel meaningless. Like I lost my best friend in the world, and like I couldn’t love anybody else like I love him or I would honestly compare everyone else to him. Thats when I knew that he was the only man I want him my life for the rest of my life. Idk how he knew he wanted me in his life but I am so thankful he did because I am head over heels for my man and its been 19 years together lol
Never had that feeling in any relationship.
However, I have been with my other half 5 years now and I just try and picture what my life would be like without him or what life would be like with someone else.
We have amazing communication
We constantly push each other to do better, we both managed to get our dream jobs this year. And it wouldn’t have happened if we didn’t have each other pushing us along the way.
We hope to buy a second home this year, again wouldn’t have happened if we both weren’t on the same level, focusing on saving and hitting the goals we want.
We like doing the same activity’s and same kind of holidays, we are very much adrenaline junkies and love to push ourselves to the limits. So our holidays are finding the most extreme thing we want to go and achieve.
If I need to talk to someone, get advice, I’m upset or whatever.. the person is always him I want to speak to. And I know that’s the same for him.
However I have never had the Magical feeling your talking about. But that definitely doesn’t mean he isn’t the one. I don’t think I would find another man that I would be so comparable with.
No. Some people hold onto nerves, stress, and a mistrust in the legal aspects of marriage. I think a better idea is: does your partner love you, treat you with respect, want to marry, have financial responsibility, match your ideals, and want to carry on with your marriage terms. I wouldn’t marry just to be married, but if you want to stay together long term then why not? Marriage really isn’t that hard or scary, it’s having to split your assets for divorce that will be. But if you say together long term anyways you’ll have to negotiate terms of a split so at least this way legally both are held accountable.