Throwaway because my fiancé knows my Reddit account.
I [26f] have been engaged to my fiancé [27m] for six months now. We’ve known each other for about 5 years and been together for 3. We’re planning to get married next winter. I’ll call him Sean.
When I introduced Sean to my family, they all loved him instantly. He got on with my dad and my younger brothers the most, bonding over their love of gaming and playing a lot of pool.
I also have two sisters, “Mia”[25f]and “Rose”[23f]. Rose has a boyfriend who she’s been with for about 1 year now and Mia recently got out of a 1 year relationship. Rose’s boyfriend and my fiancé became fast friends and they watch movies at the theater together often.
The thing is, Rose and Mia don’t talk very much. When Rose first brought her boyfriend around, she thought that Mia was trying to break them up because Mia would constantly say things like “what do they even talk about” and “they’re the weirdest couple ever”. I think it’s because Rose’s boyfriend is quite buff and outgoing. He’s quite gullible and often falls for scams often, but he’s really well-meaning. On the other hand, Rose is a shy, reserved person and she’s never loved sports very much. I think that’s stupid, though. Rose is training to be a tattoo artist and her boyfriend is a graphic designer. They both love gaming. They have plenty in common and lots to talk about.
I thought it was weird and always defended Rose when Mia said those things, but I didn’t realise she was being malicious. Until, that is, we went to Spain.
My dads birthday was at the beginning of June. So, we went to a villa and surprised him by having the whole family there and his friends, too. In that time, Mia kept making weird comments about Rose’s sex life and commenting on how she needs to “be careful her man doesn’t get bored”. We all had our partners over and Mia was supposed to invite hers as well, but then they broke up.
I’ve always been insecure about my sister Mia because she used to do this thing where she’d date guys I had a crush on and then dump them in days just to “prove that she could have them”. It always felt like she was trying to say that she was better than me. I thought we grew out of that, though. I told my fiancé, Sean all of this.
Well, in Spain, she kept giving my fiancé these weird looks, like smiling knowingly at him. I told him it was weird and making me uncomfortable because it reminded me of when we were young. Then, I thought I saw him checking her out when she was going up the stairs of the villa, but as I was about to confront him and ask him what he was doing, he turned to me and asked “what’s up there”? The villa is sectioned into 3 apartments so he’s never been to the top floor.
Ok. Clearly I was just being paranoid.
We’re quite open in our relationship, so I told him that I thought he was checking her out and said how it made me feel. Obviously I wasn’t accusing him of anything and told him I realised he wasn’t looking. I just wanted him to know why I had a weird look on my face. He still reassured me that he’s in love with me and not interested. We went on having our pool party.
Then, I go to bed at 2am. Tell Sean that I’ll go to sleep and say good night to everyone. At 5am, I wake up and wonder where Sean is. The villa is empty. Everyone’s asleep and I was worried he was lost. So I went looking for him. I called him and he came out of Mia’s room.
It was like I shut down. I went outside for some air and he followed. I didn’t want him to touch me. He was trying to get through to me, but it was like my brain was full of pins and needles. Then, I saw my 17 year old brother come out of the room and it snapped me out of my trance. They were watching a movie.
I was still feeling a little weird and fragile when I went to bed, though, and Sean went to bed with me. The next day, Mia asked why he hadn’t finished the movie and he explained that he could see that I was sad and wanted to stay with me. He said “if you saw your partner coming out of another woman’s bedroom at 5am with no context, you’d probably have a terrible reaction at first”.
Her response was “OP and I are different people and she’s beautiful too so she needs to stop being insecure”.
Then, she started touching his chest a lot. When we went to the beach, she took him to the water alone and said she needed to have a private conversation with him. When he came back, he seemed confused and said it was about setting her up with a friend of his and he didn’t know why I wasn’t supposed to be included.
The day Mia and I were supposed to go home, Sean was staying in the villa for another day to help clean up. I had to go straight home because I’m a key worker and time off is rare. The plane was delayed and she decided she wanted to stay in the villa with the clean up crew.
So I go, telling my fiancé that I feel really uncomfortable about her staying with her attitude the day before. He reassures me that he’ll hang out with Rose’s boyfriend instead and not to worry. He would check in with me regularly just to let me know what was going on and fill me in, saying Mia hadn’t bothered him at all.
Three days later, my stepmom calls me and says “I don’t trust Sean. Mia put her head on Sean’s lap and he didn’t say anything when they were watching a movie”. Bear in mind Sean had told me he was narrating the whole thing and nothing had happened. Bearing in mind Sean had told Mia that I was feeling bad about the whole thing.
He didn’t tell me this. When I confronted him, he said “I didn’t tell you because I knew it would upset you”. You said you were telling me everything and you reassured me that she had left you alone!!!!
Then, on the way home, she started saying lies about Rose and telling her that someone needs to watch out because it wouldn’t be hard to steal her boyfriend. She was talking about how she could have anyone’s man and stuff like that.
On the group chat, everyone’s been talking about how weird Mia was with Rose’s boyfriend and Sean during the trip.
I haven’t been able to meet Sean face to face since because he’s dog sitting for his mom in another country, so I don’t know how I feel about him, but in general I feel like I’m mourning something. I don’t know why.
Can anyone help me navigate this with Mia and Sean and/or help me figure out why I feel so bad?
Thanks in advance!
Tldr: my sister was weirdly flirty with my fiancé on holiday and I feel horrible.
21 comments
So your boyfriend was cheating on you.
Reddit’s first answer is always to leave your partner if they’re less than perfect.. they forget this isn’t just a story and your lives will continue after they convinced you to do what they say. It actually, and realistically, sounds like you and Sean have a beautiful relationship and in the context of how close he is with your family I think what he did wasn’t perfect but understandable. Your stepmom is just looking out for you but she isn’t necessarily a peer. She didn’t pick up the face he made, the way rose (who seems to have a good head on her shoulders and a healthy relationship) did. It’s also worth noting that your family has a lack of discipline towards Mia. Why come at Sean and not her for doing something like putting her head by his lap? If they didn’t say anything he probably felt pressured to stay chill as well. The way she speaks of Rose and acts is so childish and self centered. It clearly is also a point of insecurity for you due to how she used to treat you in the past. Instead of doubting your boyfriend who was clearly doing his best with you, I think you should face your sister and say some of the things everyone is thinking. If she can steal any man, why can’t she keep one? If she’s so confident in herself, why can’t she choose someone that isn’t already yours? Your sister Mia is clearly dying for validation from men in an unhealthy manner. Sean has even shown Mia, that it would be a no brainer to ditch a scene that makes you unhappy. If you aren’t rebuffing Mia, Sean is probably struggling to find a balance. You can’t expect him to straight up “put her in her place” on a vacation where everyone apparently lets her behavior slide and he is an outsider of sorts being a boyfriend of yours and not a direct family member. I think you and Sean should stay strong and work even further on your already great communication. It really sounds like you and Sean care for each other… it’d be a shame to throw it away over your unchecked sibling.
Hi, just a thought,why won’t you go Low contact with ur sister, if this is the respect she gives to u and u r relationships(since u mentioned she has always been like that).ofcourse , u r fiance is also wrong to omit out the important part,not cutting her out at her advances to talk to him and just telling her u r uncomfortable without taking any action to prevent it.i hope u make a wise decision.
Definitely what the other comments say. I would have a talk with Rose first and go no contact with Mia. Talk to your parents as well and make sure they understand why you are doing this, even if they don’t like it they can respect it. If they can’t do, then enforce the bounderies on your own (but preferably with the support of Rose). I do think your parents have blame in this in not raising her right. My parents are very kind people who almost always talked calmly to me and my sister if we did anything wrong, but I’m willing to bet they would have considered a serious ass-whooping if any of us behaved like Mia. She’s acting very trashy and needs a reality check.
Your fiance made several choices that would have me pumping the brakes on marriage too. He knew how you felt and had absolutely no reason to go to her room in the middle of the night or wander off together at the beach. The head in lap thing would be so hard for me to come back from, especially hiding it from you. There are plenty of ways to get away from her without causing drama but at the end of the day, a trustworthy man wouldn’t have sat there making physical contact with another woman.
I’m sorry, OP. You need to really think about how he can rebuild trust to move forward.
Your fiancé made repeated bad choices to be alone with Mia.
And sharing your insecurities with Mia is a massive problem.
Maybe he liked the attention. But I don’t see myself having tolerated 1/2 this behaviour. I have a family member like this and I’m NC now. Don’t need that disrespect in my life.
Im so sorry, my lovely. You need to go NC with your sister. She is your blood and decides to do this sort of stuff to you and your sister? It’s absolutely crazy! As for your partner for me i would end it and move on as hard as it is, he lies withheld information and he knew what he was doing was wrong hanging out with her in her room watching a movie when he knows her history, he made his choices knowing it was messed up he should of shut her down straight away with her behaviour if he truly loved you!! And this is only the things you know about im sure there’s more. You deserve better. Hood luck keep us updated
I would definitely go NC with the sister, because she is bad for your mental health. She likes to make you feel insecure. Life is too short, cut the bad energy from your life!
About Sean… I don’t like his actions at all. He knew your history with your sister, he saw how she behaved and he still gave her his time.
The movie at 5 am is terrible, even if your brother was there. BUT the private conversation on the water is the worse. What for? Why he went with her, he should have stayed with you. Your sister got away with her behavior because Sean didn’t make it clear to her that her behavior was unacceptable!!!
The head on lap was just a consequence of a series of events, Mia testing the limits and Sean letting her. Don’t get me wrong, your sister is the WORST but your fiance is not exempted from his part in all of this. I would seriously reconsider the relationship.
I had a sister who liked to belittle me and my older sister. She was skinnier, wears make up everyday, changes bf every few months. Is happy when men chase her, long story short our family dropped her last year after she let’s her husband almost hit my mother. I fought her husband, probably ripped his shirt a bit but who gives a fuck. Drop your narcissistic sister (I would had dropped my fiance too if he’s that easy to acquire, it’s like going to a rigged claw machine that gives you unlimited plushies. Yes that easy)
I’m still suffering from ptsd and low self esteem from her and probably a lawsuit too but hey at least she’s not in my house anymore.
As others have said, I suggest low contact with your sister. I also recommend finding ways to work on and heal around your feelings towards your sister “trying to take your man” because even if you and Sean don’t make it, you are going to have the same reactions with the next guy if they end up around your sister.
Mia is a drama llama and just likes to cause problems. She is being a terrible sister. Don’t confide anything in her, and seriously consider going low contact with her. Don’t engage with her, and don’t let her prattle on about Rose. (Do tell Rose that Mia joked about stealing her boyfriend, so she can be prepared)
Sean will need to rebuild your trust and go low contact with Mia too. He needs to know how to say no and keep his boundaries. He could have refused a private talk and said please don’t put your head in my lap. He chose not to.
Your sister is complete trash and doesn’t treat you with respect. Would have taken care of that situation years ago.
Your fiancé is questionable at best. He’s either cheating with you or totally fine flirting with your sister, for now. Either way it’s fucked.
Your sister has a history of flirting with men you like, because she has some sort of weird complex about that. This is what she is doing now. Sad, because she’s a grown woman and ought to be better than this, but I guess her life really is that empty at the moment.
I can see why you might think that you are seeing Sean’s behaviour in a paranoid way – but you are not the only one who has seen it, your Stepmother has too.
He’s got shitty boundaries at best, or at worse, was enjoying the attention. Either way, these are not good qualities in partner.
You feel bad because your sister has treated you horribly and the man you wanted to marry has shown himself to have some very disturbing character traits.
I’d think long and hard before going into this marriage, if I were you.
And don’t let your sister gaslight you into thinking that this is just insecurity on your part. She knows exactly what she is doing. Exactly what she is doing.
I would kick both of them out of my life. You could never trust either one of them again.
Defo NC with sister but also… if I had an issue with someone flirting with my husband, he would then avoid them. Not go watch films with them in their rooms till 5am and let them put their head in his lap and then TELL THEM that I was “insecure”? Yo 🚩
You have a narcissist personality sister. She was abusive to you and if you continues going on the interaction with her, you will find yourself feeling like crazy and people around you may start gaslighting too. Your boyfriend is definitely not a husband material either, he enjoys the attention from her and lied to you even though you old him about everything. It seems like you are attracted to narcissistic people. Probably because you have been living with one so you don’t know what is normal behavior anymore. I would go no contact or at least low contact with the sister; then cancel the whole marriage thing, because if you continue this he will make you feel crazy and constantly question if you are being overreacted, if everything is your own fault…
Mia is addicted to drama – she feels her best when she is the center of a big story. I’ll add to those who say you should limit contact with her. Find solidarity with Rose, and lean on each other when dealing with her.
I disagree with the comments about dropping Sean, though. He was a knucklehead on some of this, and maybe part of him liked the attention. But there’s not much there to show him leaning toward cheating. I do think that you need to tell him how you felt, if you haven’t already. You should also let him know that there is a good chance Mia will try to contact him after you start opting out of her various dramas, and that if (when) she does, he needs to tell you ASAP.
Honestly, sounds like you need to take steps regarding your relationship with both of them. You say you’re a good communicator, but it seems like you’re more of an honest communicator rather than a proactive one.
1) Regarding your sister, she seems to have unresolved issues, and they’re actively driving a wedge between you and your fiance. The water conversation with just her and Sean is inexcusable, you don’t do that with people in a committed relationship, period. Her insecurity and desire to be better than you is giving you incredible relationship anxiety because you don’t seem to trust her to respect you and your life. Set boundaries that are clearly communicated with her and your parents so it’s not a private conversation and if she doesn’t follow them, be prepared to give her consequences. She sounds like she needs therapy, and to learn how to be happy by herself, and to learn how to not covet people that are already in a committed relationship. She seems to want stability and those that are already involved with someone represent that, and she doesn’t seem to have the fortitude not to pursue them.
2) Your fiance seems to not only be an introvert, but have a bit of either low situational awareness, low emotional intelligence, or passive conflict avoidance baked into his personality. If the touchy feel-y and closeness is something he does with a lot of people, including other women, then whatever, you need to decide if that’s for you, or if he can change for you and wants to do so. If it’s not something that happens with others and it’s just your sister, you need to set expectations that he needs to immediately shut that kind of stuff down, and anything that is “couple-y” is not appropriate behaviour and he should actively communicate with your sister and ask her to stop, even when she potentially acts as an emotional terrorist in response or minimizes her actions. I wouldn’t imagine not being able to trust my partner to the point where it causes me anxiety, that does not sound like a happy relationship.
3) Honestly, it sounds like you need to take a look at your social group and how they enable your sister’s behaviour. She gets away with it because nobody wants to say anything, but that means nothing changes. Sometimes, it’s better to go through the short term pain to benefit in the long run. I’m very low contact with someone who is important to me but wasn’t making my life better – it’s unfortunate but sometimes you have to do what’s best for you, and it’s part of growing up and making adult decisions.
“I didn’t tell you because I knew it would upset you” is the most infuriating thing. If he knew it would upset you why didn’t he respect your feelings on that enough to shut it down?
No offense to OP or her sisters, but Sean should run from this relationship. OPs family dynamics sound miserable and I would imagine the drama will only get more intense after they are married. Until OP can admit she needs to cut her toxic family out of her life, she will never have a happy and healthy relationship. RUN SEAN!
Your bf 100% Cheated on you. There are so many red flags here. Your sister is the worst and you you should go low to no contact with her.
ETA: you expressed your discomfort 100 times and he should have stuck to you like GLUE and NEVER been alone with her. he knew what he was doing.