Every time I try to initiate he (M31) pushes me (F23) away and when I bring it up to him he gets mad. We are only doing it once a week, when he gets mad he withholds from me and tells me it’s my fault we aren’t going to. I always try to seduce him but he pushes me away, there’s never a right time to ask for his attention. He never gives me time and when he does he throws it in my face, He’s either always playing video games or watching tv or eating and once he’s done he just wants to go straight to sleep. When I get pissed at him for not wanting to I yell at him that he’d rather look at other women online than the one in front of him and he gets even angrier. I’m so sexually frustrated and I’m only 23, I’ve had only 2 other partners beside him and I sometimes resent marrying him because I signed my young life away. What should I do?
49 comments
You should find a man that gives what you deserve
I am sorry, but it sounds like it is time to dissolve your marriage.
You should get a divorce. You deserve someone better op.
Um…
If I were you I wouldn’t bother with this relationship. Withholding is immature, telling you it is your fault that you’re not having sex is controlling and manipulative.
Sex it isn’t just sex – it is sharing intimacy and closeness with your partner.
Good luck, I hope the divorce isn’t too shitty for you.
Umm, by the sounds of it, your husband doesn’t want sex at all.
If you can’t openly talk about it with each other calmly, and move forward together to make things better – just leave. Life is short, don’t waste time on trying to deal with male toxicity. It’s like trying to reason with a toddler.
Sadly that is literally sexual incompatibility. Something that should always be high on your list before getting married depending on your priorities and sexual needs.
If he spends all his time playing video games, watching TV, eating and ogling women online, then that sounds to me like he’s completely checked out on his life and is desperate to escape from it. You pay a huge price for that.
The only way to fix this is for him to “take life by the horns” so to speak and engage productively with it, and start to develop himself and his daily life. A better job, new friends, new hobbies, health and fitness, efforts to start dating you again, a spell of therapy perhaps too.
You should talk to him about this and ask him how he’s feeling about his life, and offer to support him in getting some passion for it back into him. But you should also make it clear that “til death do us part” can refer to the relationship too, not just your mortal selves – and this relationship is very frail and sick.
Be prepared to tell him that you can’t stay married to him if he doesn’t change. But any couple’s counsellor will tell you that most husbands don’t attempt change until the D word has been uttered, and by then, the wife has usually been quietly done with his shit for years.
Good luck.
Divorce before you have children with this man
Look, I think what you’re describing sucks. We are only getting your perspective. He might find you very irritating. I’m not saying it’s true but the way you describe him is that maybe it’s the case. He just wants to avoid you.
If you guys don’t have kids i think you should tell him divorce is on the table. He might want it anyway. His actions are telling you their is something wrong. So let’s see how he reacts. It’s silly to keep this pattern up. Good luck
Your husband appears to be my wife!
You did not sign your life away. You can sign divorce papers and be free to find someone else. How long have you been married and have you done any therapy at all?
Yikes.
He’s your 31 Yr old husband and you’re 23? What age where you when he started grooming you? I mean when you met?
You’ve probably aged out of his proclivities. Not saying it’s all age gap relationships but, it’s a whole bunch of them.
I’m in a similar situation. I have an extremely high sex drive and his has completely dissolved. We’re basically roommates at this point and I resent him.
If you’re able to, I’d leave him, it’s a nightmare being stuck with someone you’re not sexually compatible with.
My girlfriend is the same way, I try to initiate sex and she never wants it. She had a lot of coach time watching TV. I think she is more interested in TV than me. We are sexually incompatible, or at least that is the way I see it. We just moved 500 miles from home and there isn’t an easy way out for either one of us
Considering your other post about your husband being manipulative, shaming you for your body and also the fact that he doesn’t satisfy your sexual needs at all, I think it’s time to let this one go.
You’re the same age as me, we’re quite young and I wouldn’t want to let these years of my life go into an abusive and sexually frustrating relationship. You can do much, much better.
It’s probably going to be very difficult in many ways, but you need to get out of there. He ain’t the one.
Leave now before you are 30 wondering why you wasted your 20s with someone who wants to break your self esteem. He will rather look at other women online than you. That’s all you need to know. He likes to bring you down.
I was in your same shoes and didn’t get out and now I’m almost 31, staring at my biological clock while it ticks dauntingly. Nothing has changed for me and I’m convinced it will not change for you.
**Leave. Now. I regret wasting my 20s and you will too!**
You deserve someone who loves and cares for you, and I feel like your heart is telling you what the answer is – that these behaviours are not acceptable. You have three choices:
1. Stay and try to ‘make it work’
2. Get counselling as a couple and try to resolve the issues.
3. Get a divorce
1 is a recipe for unhappiness.
2 doesn’t sound like something he would be interested in.
3 If he doesn’t want to take care of you, then you need to take care of yourself.
You either leave because he sounds insufferable or get a vibrator and continue to put up with him but less sexually frustrated.
Leave… It will get worse. Save yourself while you can.
Hey a safe haven : r/HLcommunity and r/deadbedrooms
You didn’t sign you life away, you entered into a social and legal contract for both of you to take the journey of life together, helping each other and being there everyday and in times of duress.
As he is not living up to his end of the contract, it is up to you to discuss your frustration and during said discussion convey your intentions. If your life is not better with him then surely it will be better without him.
Have the discussion first though, don’t take any drastic measures until you are certain that the situation will not improve.
Tell your husband to get his testosterone checked.
Yelling won’t help, though I understand the frustration. People who say about withholding concern me, there is no way I would have sex with my partner if he angered me (and I have the higher sex drive) because I would be feeling anger toward him and therefore it would be unhealthy for me and my mental health to have sex with him and I’m not being manipulated to do so by being labelled as abusive if I do not want to have sex when I feel hurt by my partner. The manipulation of withholding sex to me is when neither partner is angry but one partner in the couple withholds sex to get something they want and then gives it when they get what they want, that’s very unhealthy and abusive.. it is absolutely right not to have sex with a partner where their behaviour is causing you pain, and nor should anyone feel forced to have sex under these circumstances. How can anyone claim they are in the mood to have sex with a partner when they are arguing with each other? if a couple are angry then neither should want sex, and if one does then they are basically willing to use the person they supposedly love as a masturbation aid.. knowing your partner is hurt and asking them to put it to one side for your sexual release is wrong and immoral. If you have problems in your relationship put sex on hold and work through your problems first.
With all that being said I think you need couples therapy, you admit to shouting because you feel sexually frustrated, he clearly feels under duress to up his libido and shouts back. You both need more maturity and an impartial mediator to help you communicate as neither of you are managing it.
You’re only 23. Move on.
younger woman, older dude = catastrophe as always.
End the marriage ASAP!
Head to r/deadbedroom if you’re not there already, that was an amazing source of empathy for me when none of my friends could understand. I had a dead bedroom at 18-19 and my ex rejected me constantly, and when he would relent it was clear it was out of obligation. I would wake up to him watching porn next to me in bed after rejecting me. I let it cripple my self esteem before realising it was the result of a porn addiction.
My advice to you is to leave the relationship. The longer you let someone make you feel unfuckable the longer it will take you to heal from it.
You’re 23. Leave.
Just leave.
I have been here before and found out there was someone else. Good luck. Hope that’s not the issue.
Leave him. That’s not something that’s going to end well regardless.
Is it possible, he’s a secret porn addict? And/or……is he possibly cheating on you? Don’t get self-conscious or insecure. He’s obviously up to something. Stand your ground and speak with him.
Tell him to get to the bottom of it. What’s currently going on cannot go on.
You’re 23.. that’s so young to be with a 31 year old man child. I mean, I enjoy gaming, but I would never put that before real life responsibilities or my fiance. This guy sounds like a manipulative loser, sorry you already said “I Do,” but I would figure out an exit strategy.
Man am I glad reddit changed their API stuff, forcing me off their website so I don’t have to see posts with high age gaps wondering why there’s a fundamental issue with the relationship anymore.
Sounds like incompatible sex drives. It sucks, but it happens. Me and my wife have incompatible sex drives. It can work but it takes some conversation and some self realization. I had to ask myself was not having a ton of sex a dealbreaker for me, and it wasnt, i love her 100% and im not willing to lose her over something as trivial as sex, so we had a alot of deep conversations about how we feel and we found a meeting point in the middle that makes us happy. But it sounds like he doesnt even want to have the conversation. So here is my suggestion and im just speaking for personal experience.
Sit down in a neutral place. Having this conversation in the bedroom breeds him getting defensive. Have this talk at the park or over dinner, some place where the result of the conversation doesnt require immediate answers amd gives each other a chance to process.
Dont attack him. Dont imply that he doesnt love you, or find you attractive or that hes screwing someone else. All its gonna do is frustrate you and make him shut down and not want to talk to you. Instead come from a position of empathy and understanding. Something like “i get that sex isnt a big deal to you, but i have yearning for a more intimate relationship with you” or something among those lines. Tell him how your rejections make you feel and ask him about his feelings. Isnt it something deep seeded thats making him turn down sex? Has he always had a low drive? Isnt is something you can do to entice him or make him more comfortable to have sex?
Look for a solution together. There is no single solution there could be mental issues(stress, anxiety, depression, medication can kill your sex drive) or it could just be low sex drive either way talk and try to figure out a way to make you two happy. Schedule sex or maybe where you just give each other oral, mutual masturbation was a lifesaver for my relationship see if a solution is there. If not then you have to decide if lack of sex is a dealbreaker for you.
It’s not you, it’s him. If you really want it to work out with him, he needs to work on himself and his communication. If he won’t, maybe he doesn’t want to fix things and is possibly hiding something. That can most definitely explain the anger.
The problem is not sex, the problem is the inability to address and discuss this problem in a positive and productive way.
You may consider couples therapy as a last ditch effort.
Never a clearer case of “we need to have a serious talk”.
Sexual incompatibility is a legitimate reason to end a relationship.
Divorce is the answer. You have so much life ahead of you.
>What should I do?
Get a divorce.
No but seriously, think about what you want from life. He isn’t willing to talk about why he doesn’t want to be intimate, so he probably doesn’t feel the need to change. He sounds like an overall boring person who doesn’t treat you right. Get out before it gets even harder to leave. You are way too young to settle for this. In fact, nobody should settle for someone who treats them like crap. Move on. I know that’s typical for reddit, but it’s also often the best solution.
I read this and passed by it. I came back because I have to say something. I was two years older than you when I met my husband. We had both had a few relationships, him more than me. What always struck me is how special he made me feel. I’m a pretty average petite woman. He has always made me feel like a playboy centerfold. He can’t get enough of me. We have missed work, planes, trains, dinners, shows, whatever because he had to have me then and there. He literally couldn’t wait. Even now, he gets a hard on seeing me in anything skimpy. You deserve the same. He’s out there looking for you. Go find him.
Get divorced. He’s too old for you and already completely sucks. Stop dating people a decade older than you.
his behavior, and the age difference? when did you guys get married? its giving groomer :/
DO NOT have kids with this man. I am in the reverse situation, but having kids will complicate everything.
Of course it’s an age gap relationship
There are already plenty of comments with good advice. I only want to add: whatever you do, do not get pregnant by this man. Because that’s only going to make things worse.