Hey there!
My boyfriend(20) and I(F20) have known each other for around 1 1/2 years, and have been dating for a little over 7 months now. I have recently found out that he’d been texting another girl, and “jokingly” asked her for nudes. (It was a picture of some coins stacked, spelling send nudes)
She sent him some, to which he replied she could send stuff like that more often.
I found out about it around one month after that, because I felt like something about him and that girl seemed off. So while we were in my bed cuddling, I checked his phone, while he was holding it. He didn’t hesitate or tell me to not do it whatsoever. And that’s when I saw her nudes saved. I didn’t know how to react at first, but started crying a while after.
He immediately started apologising, kept saying how sorry he was and how stupid it was of him, crying aswell. He said that she may have flirted with him etc. but that he’d never flirt back if he’d met her irl or done anything with her sexually.
Bear in mind, he’s never met that girl, he only knows her online. He’d been friends with her during his prior relationship, but nothing ever happened. (Nothing ever happened with any other girls during his prior relationships either)
He explained that he’d been feeling terrible mentally, because he had gotten new medication for his adhd and depression, and that he didn’t want me to know how terrible he was because he didn’t want me to worry about him. And that’s why he started talking to her in the first place, because she was awake when I was sleeping.
She sent him nudes again to times after that, which he neither saved nor replied to. A week after the last time he had received them, he told her that he couldn’t talk to her anymore, that was before I found out though.
But in the end he said, that he doesn’t understand why he did it, and didn’t tell me because he feared me being upset or breaking up with him.
I’ve talked to my little brother (M18) whom I’m really close with about the situation, and he said that what he’s done is absolut ass, but that he feels like I should give him a second chance. My brother gets along great with my boyfriend, they’re good friends so for now I went with his plan, but I’m still unsure of what to do.
And since I’ve known I’m for 1 1/2 years, I also wouldn’t say that this kind of behaviour is typical for him.
So all I’m asking for now are some more opinions. Can I trust my boyfriend, or will he at some point do something similar again? Can I blame the switch up of medication for his behaviour?
TLDR: My boyfriend jokingly asked another girl for nudes without me knowing and then saved them. After I found out he was sorry. Can I trust him again?
5 comments
Speaking as someone who has been on different medications for depression: BULLSHIT.
He did it because he wanted to and because he knew you’d try to excuse him.
Antidepressants don’t make you cheat.
He didn’t ask as a “joke”. You were already together and he knew he was in the wrong. He didn’t tell her to stop. He’s making excuses for his behavior.
If you want to give him a second chance, that’s your choice, but don’t delude yourself into thinking it was an “accident” or a “joke” or any other bilge he’s trying to feed you.
He’s trying to fool you into thinking this “happened to him”. He made every choice that led to this outcome.
He chose to answer. He chose to flirt with her. He chose to emotionally cheat on you. He typed out the letters and sent a text asking another woman for nude pictures. He chose to save the pictures. He chose to hide this from you (badly).
This is not a mental health issue. He is not a victim. ADHD makes people impulsive, but this was something that happened over a LONG period of time.
I would ask:
* What is he doing to regain your trust?
* Did he take full responsibility for his role over the course of the entire situation? (No)
* Was it a one-time thing? (No)
* Did he lie to you about it for a long time? (Yes)
Sure, he apologized. He “doesn’t understand why he did it”, which means he cannot understand how to learn or change from the experience. His actions demonstrate that you CANNOT trust him, because even he cannot trust himself. He is not trustworthy.
So far, the only thing that has changed is that he got caught. Since then, what has he done to show that he is MORE trustworthy than before?
If you stay with him, you’ll have to accept that he is untrustworthy. You’ll be teaching him that he will be rewarded even if he doesn’t change, learn, or grow.
He tells you he “doesn’t know why he did it” because he couldn’t think of anything better than “because I chose to, over and over again.”
Depression medication doesn’t make you cheat lmao
He also didn’t “jokingly” ask. He asked for nudes. She sent them. He saved them. He then continued to keep them and continued to not tell you what had happened.
Cheaters are always sorry when they’re caught.
Odds are very very high that he does this again. He kept talking to her!!! If you want to take the risk, the absolute bare minimum is he needs to sign up for therapy to figure out why he thought this was okay, and to prevent it from happening again. “Idk why I did it” isn’t good enough. He gets to put the time and money into fixing things, or you walk.