When talking to people I try and keep strong and prolonged eye contact to show that I’m interested. So when someone is uncomfortable reciprocating, would averting my gaze relax them or make me seem disinterested?

25 comments

  3. Try out the 50/70 rule that can maybe help out with this and you can read more about it too.

    Maintain eye contact for 50% of the time while speaking and 70% of the time while listening. Do this for 4-5 seconds and then break the contact by slowly gazing away before repeating the cycle again.

    There’s some people that maintains eye contact for too long that it seems unnatural and creepy thus making a lot of people unnerved.

  4. A prop can be helpful, like a notepad or a capped pen, given you don’t prioritize it over the person.

    Notepad can be to sketch ideas, or show understanding, etc. while a pen can be used as a pointer to keep track of ideas or express a question. The main use of a prop is giving yourself another thing you can focus on, selectively.

  5. Maintaining eye contact for prolonged periods of time would certainly make me feel uneasy. I’d advert your gaze but glance back at them occasionally to show them that you are listening. Nodding your head can also show them you’re listening.

    You do also have to know that not everyone is comfortable giving eye contact, regardless if they’re comfortable or not. I’m definitely one of those people.

  7. I straight up avoid people who look at me without breaking eye contact. That’s too intense, feels unnatural and intimidating. I don’t know what their deal is and I dont care to find out, I want nothing to do with it.

  8. Personally, I try to keep eye contact for like 8 seconds at a time. If I try to keep contact for longer, I just notice my mind wandering to questions like “this feels so forced why am i doing this” etc., which in turn distracts me from actually having a conversation. But a smile goes a long way too

  9. It’s not about whether you are maintaining eye contact the whole time or not. As long as you’re looking at them at least for a few moments and smile or nod for a few moments, you’d be seen as interested in what they are saying.

  11. nobody stares intensely into people’s eyes for 100% of the time that’s creepy. people look generally at your face or in the direction of your face then look away then look at you again. please don’t stare people down

  12. I have a hard time knowing the rule for eye contact tbh but I agree with all the other comments, including the 50/70 rule.

    There’s a [ted talk](https://youtu.be/W3P3rT0j2gQ) that explains how to respond to different types of people and it includes eye-contact 🙂

  13. I prefer having a little eye contact it would be nicer don’t like to feel like really really intimidating

  14. Do what makes you comfortable, and if misunderstood, explain yourself. As simple as that.

    People with high levels of social anxiety are more often than not stuck in their own head. What they see rarely aligns with what’s actually happening in front of them. The most effective medium for easing one’s anxiety are words imo.

  15. I’ve worked with the can’t-make-eye-contact person in this story. There are tons of reasons, the least likely is disinterest, where as cultural, informal family teachers (parents won’t look anyone in the eye) and neurodivergence on the higher end.

    What you see as expressing interest they feel as ‘wtf am I doing wrong that you are trying to mentally make me correct’. Think of your parents or a teacher giving you ‘the look’ when it was time to shut up. At the same time they know eye contact is part of the dominant culture, expected, and not doing it makes them look like a shifty untrusted person. Like one of the posts here say, idk what their issue is I just avoid them. It’s a no win for eye avoidant people.

    To help them I share the eyebrow rule, it should work just as well for you when your meet an eye avoidant person. Don’t look at their eyes, use their eyebrow instead- where is the key.

    For someone you know little but do want to talk with look at the outside (towards their hairline) corner of their eyebrow. A brief look while speaking, but more often when listing. If you need to look away, ok, but smile and shake your head while you do. The positive body language makes the look away socially acceptable. Go back to their eyebrow when you can. Repeat the process for as long as your engaged.

    When talking to someone you share a mutual connection with, look towards the arch of the brow. Same look away rules apply.

    N I’ve worked with the can’t-make-eye-contact person in this story. There are tons of reasons, the least likely is disinterest, where as cultural, informal family teachers (parents won’t look anyone in the eye) and neurodivergence on the higher end.

    What you see as expressing interest they feel as ‘wtf am I doing wrong that you are trying to mentally make me correct’. Think of your parents or a teacher giving you ‘the look’ when it was time to shut up. At the same time they know eye contact is part of the dominant culture, expected, and not doing it makes them look like a shifty untrusted person. Like one of the posts here say, idk what their issue is I just avoid them.

    To help them I share the eyebrow route, it should work just as well for you when your meet an eye avoidant person

    For someone you know little but do want to talk with, look at the outside (towards their hairline) corner of their eyebrow. A brief look while speaking, but more often when listing. If you need to look away do so but smile and shake your head while you do. Then go back to the eyebrow. Repeat as needed. The positive body language makes the look-away socially acceptable and gives the needed break.

    When talking to someone you share a mutual connection with, look towards the arch of the brow (mid-point or so). The same look away rules apply though you should be comfortable with longer looks and shorter look-away body language moments. If your really close, inside jokes/movements/signals kick in here too.

    Never look at the inside of the eyebrows, looking someone ‘between the eye’ kicks off the flight/fight/freeze response no matter who you are.

  16. my question is, how noticeable is it to you when someone is trying to avoid eye contact? i ask this bc my eye contact was & is still fleeting. i’m interested in the opposite perspective

  18. Well, if you want to make them really nervous, try staring at them intensely while juggling flaming swords. Guaranteed reaction!

  19. Hey there, Kevin here! If someone feels nervous maintaining eye contact, just close your eyes and start talking – problem solved!

  20. Oh, maintaining eye contact with someone who’s uncomfortable? Just wear a little blindfold, problem solved! They’ll never know!

  21. Well, if you want to relax them, you should wear mirrored sunglasses and a squirrel puppet on your shoulder. Trust me, they’ll forget all about eye contact!

  22. Well, Kevin here! Averting your gaze might just make them think you’re playing a game of intense eye tag. Keep ’em guessing!

  23. Well, Kevin, if you want to make them less nervous, why not just stare at them intensely until they start running away?

  24. Just start staring at their nostrils instead. It’s like eye contact, but with less pressure!

  25. Well, you could always try staring at their forehead instead, maybe they’ll think you’re just really fascinated by their hairline!

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