I called my partner to discuss a loaded topic and when he felt the conversation was over he put the phone down, thinking he’d hung up. But he hadn’t and I heard him say he hates me and called me a c**t. The conversation we’d just had was about my desire to change our 5 year old daughter’s middle name. We decided on an unusual name that he suggested and said he’d come across while travelling – but only told me much later after she was born that the name was his ex-girlfriend’s cat’s name. He even told me that he’d shared that info with me at the time (gaslighting). That’s why I want to change her name, let her pick a new one (within reason) and put this behind us. He got upset over the phone when I said I wanted to start filling out the paperwork and said he didn’t want to change it. I kept calm and firm with my intention. We didn’t argue and the conversation ended. When I heard what he said after thinking he had hung up my blood ran cold. What do you think? Is it just an angry rant that we all do sometimes and I should give him slack about it – since he didn’t say it to my face? Or is this a sign of something more worrisome?
TDLR- my partner named our child after his ex girlfriends cat and is upset I want to change the name. He said he hated me and called me a c**t to himself but I overheard him.
32 comments
There is no point getting telling him off about something he said to himself.
It’s also not a good sign but only you know how frequently you both argue and the state of your relationship.
It’s a bad sign, but worth reading with other flags in your relationship.
I’d wait a week then raise it with him in person if it still bothers you
The bigger concern for me is, the lying will not end at the name change, you’ll have to lie to the kid as to why their middle name is changing. If you tell the kid “dads ex girlfriends cat had the same name” that is going to result in a fair amount of questions you probably wouldn’t be thrilled to answer/ the kid is better off not being burdened with that kind of information.
Lady come on, it’s time to move on.
I’m not willing to say that him thinking he was venting to himself alone is a terrible thing. Sometimes people do this simply to vent off steam because they’re really angry and they recognize their anger is irrational and don’t want to blow up on the other person. (I know I’ve yelled “fucking asshole” to myself before when someone cuts me off in traffic, but I realize they’re probably not actually assholes would never want them to actually hear it lol)
But the lying and gaslighting is a major red flag, and that combined with the amount of resentment he seems to have over this, that is concerning. He does not want to admit that he was wrong and is blaming you for it. That’s not okay. It’s not okay to lie to you partner. Has he lied to you before or gaslit you in other situations?
He named your daughter after his ex girlfriend’s cat.
I feel like you have a lot of reasons to leave this relationship from one tiny post.
What’s the rest of the iceburg look like?
I would believe him if I were you. He said he hates you, he hates you.
Really strange decision to insert his ex gf’s cat’s name into his daughter’s name. Truly head scratching.
You can do better.
I wouldn’t be able to stay with someone who called me a cunt behind my back.
Is it bad that I really want to know what the middle name is …the ex gf cat’s name?
I can’t even make a genuine decision on my thoughts…is the name so bad it’s a tragedeigh? Or is the name beautiful but because it’s the ex gf CATs name? In which case does that suggest he loves the CAT more than anyone?
Well I think he’s going to be your ex-partner soon.
You can’t make this shit up.
Since those are pretty strong words, I’d take it to be his true thoughts.
I’d probably send him a message saying “if you truly hate me and think I’m a cnt them we have big problems and need to discuss other arrangements”.
I would want to be on the front foot of this.
Since your child is old enough to know her middle name, I’d be asking her if she likes it, but at the end of the day a name change requires two parental signatures and going to court over “it’s his ex girlfriend’s cat’s name” seems spouted more on jealousy and pettiness.
So let me get this straight, he got pissed and told himself he hated you and you was a c**t for dropping his ex pet’s name from yall daughter’s middle name, i might need to take a break from reddit 😂
The guy is a moron and yes you have the right to be pissed. Not only it’s disrespectful as fuck to use his ex pet’s name on your daughter but it’s also disrespectful to you as well for him finding away to keep something that’s related to his ex in the family.
Strike 1: names your child after an animal owned by an ex
Strike 2: lies about it
Strike 3: lies about lying, trying to make you out to be crazy
Strike 4: refuses to undo the situation
Strike 5: calls you a c*nt and says he hates you
Is there really a question here?
Your husband is not a nice human being.
So much toxicity and hate in one post.
Change the daughters middle name.
Get divorced.
He hates you.
I’m in the exact same situation myself. My partner absolutely hates me.
Your partner also sounds manipulative and plain nasty.
I’d confront him and ask him if he hates you and thinks you’re a c*nt, why is he with you? You don’t need that kind of person in your life. There are much better men out there.
Big red flag.
I would never say that I hated my partner or call them a mean name. If I felt the need to do that, I’d be seriously considering why I was in a relationship with them.
What he said was so disrespectful and your reaction isn’t unwarranted.
It’s also sketchy that he lied to you about your daughter’s middle name.
Me I would say to him to sign the papers so we can change her middle name..
Then we will divorce so you can go find your ex.. then you can have a baby with her, and you can name that baby after her and her cat
This is hugely worrisome. That kind of hateful talk, in addition to the gaslighting about the name, is grounds for termination to me. He can’t be trusted and his true intentions sound unkind.
I’ve got a stack full of red flags over here for you. Wow. He’s been fucking with you for so long, he named your daughter after his ex girlfriend’s cat and lied about it.
I would 100% leave my partner if he lied to me about something like that, said he hated me, or called me a gendered slur. You partner did all 3 and you don’t know what to do?
I am so sorry you had to hear that, that is heartbreaking. No matter what anyone thinks, it’s not normal to think of or speak of your significant other this way.
But more important than this most recent episode of blatant disrespect is the part where he attempted to start out your new family life by memorializing his love for his ex. That is not only not normal but deeply dysfunctional and disturbing. He thinks you’re stupid and would never know, or (rightly) believed you would allow this disrespect to stand when you did find out. So every time he says her name he thinks about this other woman, for the rest of his life.
This alone speaks to his contempt for you. Now you’ve heard it more directly, from his own lips. When are you gonna believe him? You are second best, you’ve always been, and if she showed up today he’d leave you. And when he at last gets over her, it will only be because he’s found someone new.
Entirely reasonable not to want him to think of his ex’s pussy when he looks at the kid.
Ooofff that’s awful, all of it. I can’t be the only one thinking he sneakily inserted a freaky sex related name for his daughter due to potential long standing hatred of his wife. He literally named his daughter after his EX-GFs PUSSY… it seems a really disturbing dig at his wife tbh and I imagine he has smirked about it, he could have picked anything, but her cat / pussy. Ewwww
I dunno about you and everyone here, but I’ve never called my partner a “c**t” or “b**ch”!
I have blown saying I hate some of the stuff she does (like “hiding” my things, which to her is to put them in the right place lol) but I’ve never said “I hate you/her”!
Does your husband like you at all? This is worrying
Your concern shouldbe on the lying and gaslighting traits your partner has. If all he said was that I would see it as room for concern of him being crazy, as everyone talks to themselves (to a degree). What he said however was not okay and you should bring that up with him.
What kind of 40 something year old resorts to saying “I hate you” when they disagree with their partner? Like who does that?? That’s some grade school shit to say.
GIRL. He named your KID after his EX Girlfriends CAT. Him calling you names is the least of your problems