So me (M26) and my gf (F26) have been together for 5 years and she has during the years put on some weight which isn’t something I have an issue with. I still view her as I did from the first year and I love her and think she’s attractive.
Tonight she said her colleague was single and had a hard time on Tinder since she is fat, and guys don’t tend to swipe right to her. Me and my GF ourselves got together after a Tinder date and she asked me if I’d swipe right on her if she looked like she does now.
And since my brain sometimes tend to mess my wording of things up I said yes but with a hesitation. A hesitation that in my mind only was there because it was five years ago and I cannot say I would think like I do now back then which is why there was a hesitation.
Obviously this made her sad and she hasn’t spoken to me for a few hours and I don’t know how to handle the situation without messing it up further. I do love her both from her looks and her personality. I have never been as happy before as I am with her.
I’m afraid I’ve fucked everything up and that now she will think I find her unattractive which isn’t the case and isn’t why I hesitated at all.
She have through the years felt issues with her weight and says she isn’t as pretty as she was before and I always tell her I don’t care about her weight and all I want for her is to not have to think about her weight every day cuz I love her anyway. This self esteem issue she has adds on to me feeling even worse.
Any advice on how to fix things?
TLDR: Accidentally implied that my gf has put on weight and now she is sad, for obvious reasons.
5 comments
I’m gonna guess you haven’t apologized yet, which is the FIRST thing you should have done.
None of that “I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt” bullshit.
She’s having a hard time, but it’s not actually your fault, and there’s nothing you can do until she feels well enough to really hear you. Give her space. Wait until she comes out of wherever she is, and say, “I think that you think that I hesitated in our conversation earlier because I was thinking about your weight and judging you negatively about it. Is that right? I wasn’t. It took me a moment to even remember what *I* was like 5 years ago. I love you at any size, as I’ve told you again and again, and I always mean it.”
If reactions like this keep happening, you might suggest that she see a counselor — and be clear that it is not because she need to gain or lose weight, but because her feelings about her body are starting to affect her life and relationships.
Can you show her this post?
Typical man response. First of all, on her part: don’t ask questions you don’t want honest answers to. Second of all, she’s obviously feeling insecure about herself and was seeking validation from you. That’s an internal thing that she needs to work on. You cannot make your partner responsible for your feelings about your own body. Third of all, on your part, dude wtf? Lol. In hindsight, you clearly know you went amiss here. You said it yourself, to paraphrase, “I love her and I’m as attracted to her as when I first saw her:” Full stop. End there. But honestly, this sounds primarily like her own body image issues unfolding and her projecting them on you. I really hope she gets some help for that, because the truth is looks fade no matter what. A pretty face or slender body can’t solely sustain a relationship.
Yeah, that one would sting lol
I guess it would be worth explaining that you have grown as a person over 5 years and that 5 years ago, you were shallowly attracted to her rockin’ bod and sexy face, but that over time, you also feel deeply connected and enriched by having her in your life. And that everyone has gained weight over the past 5 years (thanks covid) and that you might have stupidly swiped left if someone had extra weight before, but you are fortunately no longer the limited Neanderthal you once were.
With enough humor mixed in, you might be able to take the sting out. Like you can point to how inelegant your words were and how you still have growing to do. Then ask her if you should get fat too and go eat some ice cream.