I work as a server right now. I’ve only been a server at this restaurant for 4 days, but I’m already getting so overwhelmed to the point I doubt if I can do it. I don’t want to give up bc I’m doing this job to help me open up so that I can be a cosmetologist like my mom was. In general, my aspiration is to be out-going and comfortable with people so I can be a good cosmetologist and honor my mother’s memory. But, I’m 19 years old and my whole life basically I’ve just self-isolated. It didn’t get real bad until quarantine, but it was still an issue beforehand. I had bad behavioral problems as a kid, it came with my ADHD. Back then though, I didn’t really care. It wasn’t until I got to middle school that I started to get so self conscious with it and on top of shit that was going on at home I shut down. I still talked to people, but I was self-conscious about everything I did. I’ve never been insecure about how I looked, but I’ve always been really insecure about my personality. It got worse as the years progressed and I’m at a point now where I feel so self-conscious about my personality that I’m terrified to speak up in group settings or social situations bc I feel as if I got nothing worth saying. My humor is dead and my response timing is slow. It might be a combination of my ADHD and marijuana addiction, and I’ve thought about taking medication but when I used to take it it amplified my anxiety and it seems my social anxiety is a core issue. Regardless, I can’t stand not being able to talk to people. I really want to get good at this job, but I have to get more out-going and get my mind in order before I can do that. How can I when all I can think of to say is the same simple responses that I have in my head? It’s like I can’t think clearly anymore, and my memory recall is complete shit. It makes conversations nearly impossible. I just want to be able to talk to people so I can actually have friends. It’s like I have no one right now and I’m so lonely and the only thing in my way is myself. I’m completely lost and I just need any advice, anything would help and be appreciated.
8 comments
i hope more people comment on this for you – but as someone who served tables for 6 years and also has struggled a lot with the topics you e mentioned, it’s okay if you don’t enjoy this job and prefer something different. it’s okay to just be YOU – no matter what that looks like. i definitely think maybe you could start therapy or focus on your mental health to solve this problem rather than forcing yourself into positions that you’re not comfortable in. it takes work to move through uncomfortable periods where we feel unhappy with ourselves, but this is NOT the kind of work needed or necessary. it will do you more harm than good.
you are perfect the way you are. granted, i don’t know you, but i truly believe in timing. you WILL work through this and heal in time. you WILL find your place, just be brave enough to keep trying and to keep LEAVING spaces where you feel you’re not welcome or comfortable or loved (sometimes it’s good to get out of your comfort zone, but this sounds unhealthy for you). if you’re in a rut socially (or mentally), the solution isn’t to force your way through to the other side. that will end in a lot of anguish and a lot of suppression, eventually causing these same issues to arise later on in the future. perhaps you aren’t meant to be exactly like your mom – and that’s okay. she would love you unconditionally. you are allowed to be self conscious and worried and at times anxious. you are allowed to be shy. you are allowed to be introverted. so maybe instead of attempting to force yourself to be different, embrace who you are now. you will find your people who are also introverted and the same kind of weird as you (we are ALL weird by the way), but not when you’re trying to force yourself to wear a mask that you’re not.
if you truly want to do this job, you can. you can do this. you are brave enough and strong enough. you are more capable than you realize. but that’s only if you WANT TO. and if you don’t (or even if you don’t want to YET – again timing is EVERYTHING), that’s okay too. at any point, you are also allowed to change your mind. it doesn’t make you a quitter and it doesn’t make you a failure. how you speak to yourself matters and carries SO much weight. so be your best friend and give yourself the advice you would give to someone you DEARLY love. be brave enough to stay OR be brave enough to walk away. BOTH are deserving of praise. what feels right to YOU?
The more you loop inside your head and the more you repeat/justify the story you’re playing on repeat – The more real and crippling all those feelings associated to it are.
The great thing about working in an environment where there’s a large influx of new people all the time is that no one know who you are/care. So you can be whoever you “want” to be(come).
By shifting your focus from “internal self loathing” to “externally” focused on others. You become free from that internal script looping inside your head.
I know I make it sound easy but it really is. Think about it this way :
– How can you be present in the moment if you’re living in the past in your thoughts?
– How can you truly listen to others or pay attention to what is happening externally to you if you’re perceiving it through your constant internal chatter?
– How can you bring value to others if you’re focused on you and your thoughts?
As for yourself, focus on doing activities that you see yourself progressing in, like building a new skills or finding a hobby your enjoy doing just for the fun of it. That will be interesting for others to “listen to” when you talk about with passion (when asked).
You want the secret to be interesting to others? Just ask them questions and be genuinely curious! They will feel valued and appreciated and in turn they will appreciate you for it 🙂 but you can’t fake emotions especially if you have a resting bitch face. So go to a mirror and practice genuine smile (from the eyes not just mouth, you can recall funny/good memories to elicit that response).
TLDR: Truth is, don’t overthink it. Be present and focus on others by making them feel valued, you got this 🙂 now go practice!
Tap into feeling good first. Forcing things don’t always help. Put your worries aside, breath deeply and slowly, relax, and get into feel good mode. That’s how you naturally do the whole out going and comfortable schtick
Wish I had better things to say but kinda in the same boat. I’m way older and at the other end of my life and just finding things that really shaped me into the dysfunctional guy I am.
In offering, maybe just keep in mind this job is temporary, you can do anything for 5 years. I’ve proved that to myself. Had a couple of jobs that lasted longer but many that were 5 year runs. Everything from welding to mechanics to security at a prison. Some were part time while I had a job I really liked but needed to make a little more money.
There will be days that bring you to tears, don’t let those stop you, push on, often they’ll turn into days you’ll remember because of something good. Your boss, he/she may gripe at you, the closer you are sometimes the more this happens, they can’t yell at customers but still have that tantrum they have to get out. Don’t cow down to it but don’t make a big issue either. Like the rain, it’ll blow over. Probably more rattling than helping but maybe something may click one day and it’ll be an ‘oh yeah’.
I was like you a few years back. I had severe depression and shut myself in my room for months before I decided to finally come out and find a job. Once I started I was extremely overwhelmed and blanked out so many times that my co workers were getting fed up with me. I went home and cried for days because I didn’t know what was wrong, and why I couldn’t interact with people normally.
I just want to say that, it’s going to be hard for sure. There’s no definite answer on how you can interact with people and expanding more in conversations. But I can say that two things you shouldn’t do is over-push yourself and blame yourself with every little interaction that didn’t exactly go as planned. The reason why I say this was because I started to push myself harder and harder, thinking that the only way to plow through was just force conversations out. But this didn’t help, and I just only grew to resent talking even more.
Find a way for yourself, see how you can overcome the overthinking and let yourself stay calm in situations like this.
My advice is to not take on the huge task of becoming extroverted all at once, try smaller goals every day/week and give yourself time to adjust because you’re diving right into the water so it’s gonna be difficult at first but this is the best way of becoming more acclimated to people
Hey there, Kevin the Comedian here! Looks like you’re in a pickle, but don’t worry, I’ve got just the solution for you. How about we create a special menu for your customers where they order by doing a stand-up routine? It’ll be the perfect icebreaker and your humor will be the star of the show! Trust me, laughter is the best recipe for success in the restaurant biz! Good luck!
Vanessa Van Edwards is a Psychologist that has written a social skills book that I think is very useful. It is called “Captivating.” She also has a website full of valuable videos and articles about social skills and social interactions. I really admire her and I’m grateful for the work she does.
There is hope for those with social anxiety. Social skills are skills that can be learned and then practiced… initially in environments that are minimally anxiety provoking. Be proud of yourself if/ when you show up and give the practice of new social skills your best. If/ when practice doesn’t go as hoped then try to learn something from the experience. Again, be kind to yourself and proud for trying. Think of social interactions as experiments. As long as you were polite you can hold your head high no matter how others behave.