Long: my partner and I have been together for about 3 years. I’m injured and I (30F) think it’s making my partner (38M) hate me.
For the past 3 months I’ve been dealing with back pain that has turned into a major issue in the past 2 weeks. I struggle to walk, I can’t sit in a chair, and worst of all I scream a horrible blood curdling scream every time I try to stand up and often when I try to sit down. It is so bad that I am embarrassed to go out in public. I’ve basically been bedridden for the past 6 days.
My Doctors office is being very slow and it is frustrating. I am becoming depressed because of the pain and my lack of ability to do anything besides lay here.
Note: My partner has muscular dystrophy. He is very functional and not in a wheelchair, but his life is still made complex by the genetic disease and it does cause him pain.
He told me a long time ago that he did not want to be with someone who is grievously/terminally sick or injured because he is already disabled and couldn’t/didn’t want to care for them. I tried to ask him to go into depths about the rules and regulations for this but I didn’t get a lot of information. Most I remember is if I break a femur that’s ok, and cancer is also probably ok but it depends. I’m sure there is a lot more depth to this, but it is a conversation that has scared me. Ever since we had made our relationship official I have known that his disease is degenerative and he will one day be in a wheelchair, but that did not make me feel like I would want to leave him if/when that happens.
Anyways; I’ve been out of work for less than a month but it looks like it’s going to be a bit longer as I don’t even have a diagnosis yet, much less a treatment plan.
My partner doesn’t seem to see it… but he is very short and angry with me. He is constantly telling me what to do in a very authoritative way which makes me feel like a child. He is constantly telling me that I need to take it easy and rest, but when I ask him for help he gets frustrated. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t want to ask him for anything and when I do I just want to cry and I apologize the whole time and then try to tell him how grateful I am for him… often he vocalizes that this behavior is also frustrating for him.
Last night I asked him if it would be easier for me to go stay with my family while I figure this out (they are 6 hours away). He went on a long tirade about how this situation is very frustrating for him and that he wasn’t going to say that he way happy about it, and that he didn’t like that it felt like I was using the question to “gauge whether he wants me here or not”… but that he didn’t want me to leave.
Today he had to go pick up prescriptions for me and go to the grocery store and I knew he was going to come home frustrated. (Idk if I mentioned that I cannot get into my car, much less drive it) He told was frustrated by my list (I tried to ask for frozen, premade foods because I cannot cook or chop things), he was overwhelmed at the grocery store, and he didn’t want to get any CBD products I was wanting… I apologized for these things but then was told that my apologies were frustrating. I’ll admit that when I feel guilty I over apologize but I just wish I hadn’t asked him to get anything and stuck with my original plan of white knuckling it to the store and back on my own.
As I was putting away the groceries (which causes me a huge amount of pain) we got in an argument about how I talk to my drs office and pharmacy on the phone. Not because I am mean to them, or unkind, or that I’m not being courteous… But because I am not streamlining the conversations in the way he would and because I am not adding jokes to make the conversations more enjoyable for the person on the other end. He was also upset when I snapped at him and told him to hold on because I was trying to talk to the pharmacist at the same time that he was telling me how to talk to the pharmacist.
He hasn’t spoken to me since then except to tell me my hair was clogging the sink drain and that it was gross and a pain to clean.
I am so depressed because on this injury. I literally cannot go anywhere because I cannot drive even if I had somewhere to go. I don’t think I would make it in my car the 6 hours to my family.
I feel like no matter what is happening he is going to either talk to me like a stupid child or get mad at me, all while im hobbling around trying to take care of my basic needs because I’m too afraid to ask him for help. I want to cry, I want to hide, I want to run away.
Idk what this post is even for. I guess I just don’t have anyone to talk to. I feel like an unwelcome, burdensome guest and I feel like all of my happiness and enthusiasm and love and passion is being sucked out of me… both by my injury and by my partner.
I’m writing this wanting to cry but because I am stuck in the recliner chair in the living room, it would just start an argument again…
Idk what I want. Advice? Validation? Someone to tell me I’m in the wrong and how to fix it so I can get out of this pit of dispart?
Thanks for reading…
35 comments
Is this how he was treated for his illness…?
Honestly… I’d ask someone else for help and stay with them and have a good think. Cuz life, as you are experiencing, is filled with unknowns and what’s the point of a partner that can’t even be humane enough to pick up meds and food?
What was he like before you got hurt? Because from this it sounds like he doesn’t like you at all and wants you to know what an inconvenience he thinks you are. I think you should definitely reach out to your family so you can get where you have a support system and can get better and get back to work.
This is entirely abusive and your need to constantly apologize (for his shitty behavior) is validating for him. You’re constant apologizing is also a sign of abuse and is a common behavior people do in volutile environments because it is safety seeking.
Partners are there to care for and support each other thick and thin. In your time of need, he has turned his back on you. I hope this isn’t a real post, but if it is, please get yourself out of there. Go stay with your family…forever.
First things first, if your pain is so bad you’re letting out *bloodcurdling screams* you need to be going to the emergency room and having scans done and getting pain medication instead of waiting for a PCP visit.
Other than that, your partner is clearly not okay with supporting you while you’re going through this. I think it’s very unfair of them to essentially abandon you during your time of need because they say they “don’t want to take care of someone with an illness”. Be glad you’re not married to them, because it sounds like they don’t give a shit about any sort of vows. Which, I can kind of get it because they are already disabled but I feel like they need to be a bit more considerate regarding your pain.
I think you might need to get some distance from him/this situation in general and really sit back and think about what you want. You say he talks to you like you’re a stupid child. He gets mad at you while you’re in excruciating pain. He interrupts your *important* phone calls to belittle and berate you for not “talking like he would”. He gets frustrated just doing the most BASIC partner favor of going to the store to pick things up for you. He can’t tell you to “take it easy and rest” and then get pissed off when you ask for help to allow you TO rest.
Please go stay with your family. Your partner is being selfish and I honestly don’t think he’s as good of a partner as you’ve thought he was this whole time. You probably just thought he was great because you never had to go through an intense sickness like you are now, and now his true colors are showing. I wouldn’t put it past him to leave you the second you got cancer, if this is how he treats you when you’ve got back pain.
Is it possible for one of your family members to pick you up?
Nothing is worse than the kind of chronic pain you’re dealing with right now. All of your feelings are absolutely normal and valid. This kind of pain absolutely leads to feelings of helplessness, fear, and depression. Know that everything you’re feeling is normal, and don’t despair!
It’s really unfortunate that your partner is so completely unsupportive. It’s particularly terrible because he has a better understanding than most of what living with chronic pain is like.
My guess is that he’s operating from a place of fear, and he’s unable to be compassionate because he’s terrified. He wants you to just get better, dammit! He knows that’s not how it works & he’s probably spinning dire scenarios of you both being incapable of caring for yourselves.
Unfortunately, you can’t do anything to make him behave with more compassion. You can, however, stop apologizing. You didn’t ask for this. You’re not at fault. Stop behaving as though you’re inconveniencing him. You wouldn’t treat him as though he were a burden if he needed you.
Finally, if you live in an urban area and have the means, I highly recommend alternative therapies like acupuncture and craniosacral therapy. I swear, those practitioners are magicians. Physical therapy can help, too. (I’ve dealt with acute back pain, though not nearly to the level you’re describing.)
Good luck, and I hope you find relief soon.
First, go to the ER! Don’t wait on your primary doctor. If it’s a nerve or disc or muscular issue, you’ll get referred to someone else anyway. It sounds like your back is “out” and you may just need muscle relaxers and a couple days on the couch to be back on your feet. The sooner you find treatment, the better you’ll be.
Second, when you feel better, think about your relationship in the context of this experience. Do you really want to be with this person?
OP, you need to drop this immature boy, and find someone who really cares about you, and loves you. He’s 38, and behaving like a 12 year old.
Your partner does not sound like someone that can be counted on long-term. I wouldn’t want to live in fear of injury/illness because my partner couldn’t support me.
Back pain can be incredibly debilitating. That said, there is a limit to what pharmaceuticals can do, depending on what is causing the pain. I say this as a pharmacist. It is really frustrating for both the people on your healthcare team and you!
I do need to put in a plug for some of my awesome colleagues in the PT/OT world. PT can be hard work, but it has good evidence. OT can help you adapt your life to your condition and minimize pain while attempting your activities of daily living.
The other thing I will plug is acupuncture. There is some evidence for it. And even if why it helps can’t be explained, it isn’t harmful. Sometimes it just helps to be cared for. Pain is physiological, but there is also a mental and emotional component to it. If cost is an issue, going to a community acupuncture clinic can be more affordable.
I’m sorry your partner is being such a butt. I don’t have great advice for that part. But I tried to give you what advice I can.
It sounds like he wanted a caregiver not a partner, and now that hes being asked to step up, hes out.
Go to the ER. Do you have friends or family that you can stay with who can help you?
Im disabled. I would be moving hell to get answers if my partner became injured like this. Hes using his disability to make himself not feel bad about being a pos.
He may not like you & was only in this so one day you will be his full time nurse. His lack of empathy & such tells you who he really is. Your mental well being is very much apart of the healing process.
The grocery stores shouldn’t be frustrating for him, and he could have ordered everything online & just picked it up.
He doesn’t want a partner in life, he wants a free maid & nurse. Go stay with your family & use this all as an excuse to escape him. Clearly he is sabotaging your getting meds & medical care. Which is the opposite of love.
I herniated my back about a decade ago and a lot of what you describe is similar to what I experienced. Standing up after sitting was excruciating and sitting also exacerbated the pain. After standing it took several steps/minutes to be able to walk upright somewhat normally. I had so many people at work as me if I needed a wheelchair when I had to get up to walk it was that bad. It took forever to get surgery. I had to have X-rays first. Then insurance wouldn’t approve an MRI without first trying physical therapy. It did help when I was given pain meds although I tried to use them sparingly and I couldn’t take them at work.
This also made me depressed. I was very active up until this happened. I would burst into tears at every doctors visit even when I tried not to due to frustration. I cannot even imagine how much worse it would have been if my husband was not supportive. I was basically bedridden the first few days after and was heavily medicated. He took care of the house, kids and me.
Your bf sounds like an ass. He doesn’t seem to have any empathy. How a partner treats you when you are hurt/injured or sick is very telling. I wouldn’t be able to think of him the same way again. You shouldn’t be doing anything strenuous because that can make whatever is causing your pain even worse. He doesn’t seem to care. Imagine how much worse this would be if you also had young children to care for. I mean what if you do have a kid in the future and need a C-section and he acts like this?
Ok, lateral advice here. If it’s a soft tissue injury, I’d skip the doctor. Standard approaches from doctors on these are fairly terrible and well behind the times. Look for a physical therapist, preferably one like Airrosti that uses therapies that target fascia. I’ve been through it all and the “medical” approach completely treats soft tissue injury with a “wait and take painkillers” approach. It’s ridiculous. I improved materially when I decided to branch out, and now I have a healthy, functional and active lower back; where before my hyperactive disc prevented easy movement for weeks at a time.
You’re too old to stay in a relationship with a partner that has contempt for you when youre in pain. He had you in his back pocket as a caregiver. Does this dude even like you?
> But because I am not streamlining the conversations in the way he would and because I am not adding jokes to make the conversations more enjoyable for the person on the other end.
Good grief I mean everything your partner is doing sucks but is no doubt abusive
Go home to your family & break up. He actually told you he won’t stick by you if you get sick and yet just by being with him thats what you KNOW you will be doing for him.
You can’t fix it .
Go to the hospital! Right fucking now
Also I don’t see much future in the relationship. It’s not a question of if but when you get sick and or disabled.
This is your preview to no support from your partner
>Idk what I want. Advice? Validation? Someone to tell me I’m in the wrong and how to fix it so I can get out of this pit of dispart?
All I can say is that all the above has pointed to one singular thing:
For someone with an existing condition that should, of all people, enable them to both understand _and_ fully appreciate how it is to live with pain/disability…..your partner is 100% not doing that.
He’s belittling the efforts you do make, is “frustrated” at every singular thing you do, is overly critical, micro-managing and basically control-freaking your life.
You aren’t able to do anything right, what you do should be done differently, only _he_ can decide on that and all while you’re in pain and unable to function due to this.
He’s not supporting you beyond the bare minimum _but_ even then complains about it and just…..totally isn’t being a partner, much less a supportive one.
This is a hard time for you both, that’s appreciable.
Under the circumstances of his medical issues too, but he’s __100% not coping__ and isn’t giving _you_ any help to cope either – this is just a complete and total nightmare to live in.
You need to make some difficult choices here, where you either drastically re-evaluate this relationship with this guy, or find some way for you both to undergo some couples counselling or something – because living like this is going to make you hate every day of your life when you really, really shouldn’t be.
Stop apologizing to him. What exactly you are apologizing for?
Call him out on “you need to rest” vs “no help”
He is a shitty person. He seems fine with you supporting him when he will be wheelchair bound for the rest of his life, but he cannot support you for several months? Why are you living with someone who clearly told you that he will discard you if you get sick? And he is doing exactly what he told you now.
Idk where you live, but is delivery of grocceries and medications an option?
If you can, move out to live with people who really love and support you. You don’t need the stress he is putting you through in addition to your pain. He is making you even more sick and depressed than your injury.
Could someone (friend, relative) advocate for you: call your doctor’s office, call hospital, request MRI, request to put you on cancellation list, request referral to another doctor or specialist who has time for you? If they could not – do you have social workers or patient advocates in your doctor’s clinic, or in nearby hospital? Call them, ask everyone for help. You cannot count on your partner, he proved it.
Can you get a home aid or get into a rehab center? Assuming you have no one to take care of you?
Dump his ass.
I wish you to recover fully and find a real partner. You deserve better. He deserves to be alone and to experience what he is putting you through right now.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. My back has been flaring up occasionally, and on the weeks that it’s bad it cam be soul crushing, so I can imagine that having to deal with the pain and practicalities of long term back pain must be a lot to handle. But your bf is not being supportive at all.
Fine, he set conditions early in the relationship, and he made it clear he wasn’t prepared to deal with long term health issues. I imagine what he’s feeling right now is a bit of resentment to you, because he had this idea that he wouldn’t be willing to deal with this, but it’s easy to say that when you’re starting to date someone. It’s harder to walk away when you’ve been with them for a while and there are more feelings tangled up in there. There’s also potentially some internalised frustration because he’s dealt with his own issues for longer and has had to learn to cope with them, but if this is the case it is unfair to assume someone with a sudden and painful back ache is going to behave the same way.
From a practical point of view, heat packs, heat paste, and back pain yoga (lots of YT videos available) which is aimed at stretching your muscles very gently are helpful, as are short walks. If you can find a way to get faster physio that would also be helpful. In all honesty though, if you’re in that much pain, I’d suggest skipping waiting on a doctor and head straight to ER. You might have a slipped disc.
Idk what advice to give you about your partner. My friend recently split with her husband over something similar. He wasn’t considerate of her chronic pain and wouldn’t help with household stuff to make it easier, and she left him after he wouldn’t help her up after a fall. I’d suggest getting away from him for a bit, since he clearly isn’t supportive while you’re going through this. Staying with your family might be better for you.
Do you truly wanna spend the rest of your life with such a shitty partner with no empathy? Who will shame you for an injury, but will still probably expect you to be his maid when he gets worse?
Go back to your family.
Definitely go to the ER like everyone else says. Do you have any friends that can help you get there? Tell your family about what’s going on too. Don’t just leave everything to him.
I don’t feel like your partner is being supportive at all. He’s saying one thing but not doing the other. I can understand the pressure on him but he’s saying one thing and doing another. But you both should be looking at options together to see how to make things easier for both of you.
My husband broke his leg around the time we lost his mom who we were also caring for. It was a very stressful time and I did struggle but I never stopped trying to help him. He also had plenty of friends that offered to help that we took their offer up on. We used online shopping and had groceries delivered to the house.
When he was well enough I tried to encourage him to help himself more and talk about things so he didn’t get so down, I won’t lie it was really hard time in our relationship but we manage to get through it by being honest and open and accepting help.
Sorry but what an absolute hypocrite he is. Dump him and see how quickly he finds a new partner who wants to “deal with” his muscular dystrophy.
Get rid of him and focus on yourself. Partners don’t treat partners like this.
He sounds heartless. Tell him bye bye.
I would’ve went to the er long long ago
Go stay with your family,use that time to reassess your future with him .
You have to see another doctor and get rid of him. He already told you he doesn’t want to take care of someone else bc he is in pain himself. Listen to him and plan accordingly.
He’s selfish – he doesn’t want a partner he wants a career to look after him when he becomes disabled. He’s awful!
Well, it sounds like you’re having a tough time, but hey, at least you’re providing some good comedy material! Have you considered making a stand-up routine out of your misfortune? It could be a hit!
Your partner is an asshole. Better figure it out sooner than later.
Stop apologizing to him and actually be mad at him for treeating you this way when you are in need of help.
No need to tell him directly ( at this moment, because being in pain and then having a fight will not help you at all atm ) but you better get it in your beautiful head that how he is treating you is nothing but shit.
Why tf would you want to be with someone that told you from the get go they’ll leave if you get cancer?
First of all, find an orthopedic spine doctor because it sounds like you may have a herniated disc/sciatica pain. I just went through it and I had all the same symptoms as you, it’s extreme debilitating and it’s very painful. Second, you do not deserve the treatment your boyfriend is giving you. He needs to understand that he can’t always be the one getting taken care of. Is he interested in ever getting married? Because if so, “in sickness and in health” goes both ways.
What use is he to you? Leave.
You need to leave this abusive selfish man as soon as you are able to physically leave. This man is showing you his true self and it’s alarming.