I (35F) been dating my bf (32M) for 1 year. I can’t say enough great things about him. He’s supportive, kind, thoughtful, respectful, affectionate and so much more. He makes me feel secure. He’s perfect. …

BUT

He has no sex drive. He used to. The first six months were fun. Then it just stopped. He went to the doctor and they told him to lose some weight and take some supplements. This was back in April. He’s been doing it but his drive hasn’t changed. his aversion to sex and sexuality prevents me from feeling 100% comfortable with him.

In previous relationships, sex was front and center. It was the main pass time, primary topic of conversation, a way to be vulnerable even. I will acknowledge those men were also unreliable, arrogant, stubborn, unavailable and so forth.

We have never fought about anything but this has brought me to tears more than once. Our relationship is completely devoid of sexual desire. I don’t want to break up with him because I know he’s trying but I feel so rejected and can’t imagine a relationship (albeit perfect in every other day) not including a robust sex life.

What do I do?

47 comments

  2. >I don’t want to break up with him because I know he’s trying but I feel so rejected and can’t imagine a relationship (albeit perfect in every other day) not including a robust sex life.

    >What do I do?

    Have a serious talk about it, and if he makes efforts in the near future to solve his situation then all will hopefully be good.

    But you need to have the serious talk.

  3. Talk to him and maybe find out exactly why he doesn’t have a sex drive? Is he depressed? Stressed? What can he do to help him self (and you?)

    Support him if he hopefully wants it to change. If he doesn’t really know why and he also refuse to really do anything about it, I think you’ll have to accept this is what your relationship will be like and ask if you are ok with a sexless relationship

  5. I’m sorry to tell you, but this is probably not going to change. You’ve told him you’re unhappy and he’s not changing?

    You should leave now if you want a sexually fulfilling relationship…and you should not feel guilty. Its totally normal to want to have sex with your partner. I left a 3 year relationship when I was 36 (I’m also a woman btw) because of this, so i know that is HARD. So just to let you know, i met someone amazing when I was 38, married him at 40 and was pregnant 3 mos later (if thats something you want, its 100% possible still for you too) We have a great relationship AND a great sex life!

    Have you ever checked out r/deadbedrooms? Thats the future if you stay.

  6. Not quite perfect then. Without sex you’re nothing more but good friends.

  8. My advice — only listen to his actions, not his words. I spent 15 years in a relationship like this. Every other aspect of our relationship was your storybook happily ever after. She spent a decade trying to convince me that she did desire me and we could fix this. She was really trying to convince herself. Eventually the bomb dropped, she wasn’t in love with me, hadn’t been when we had kids, hadn’t been the day we got married, maybe never.

    Our problem was that we were way too good of friends and way too functional as a couple. If our relationship wasn’t so great otherwise, the lack of sexual compatibility would have ended it way sooner. Don’t spend a decade and a half like I did tricking yourself into believing that someone will change when all of their actions say otherwise.

  9. He’s not perfect lol….

    Y’all just aren’t compatible sexually…. Or try different things in the bedroom?

    Also make sure he isn’t a daily porn user

  10. I’ll just add that two podcasts I know of (listed below) discuss matter like this, and many more in a very open, non-judgemental, and “solutions oriented” manner. You may have to cruise their catalog a bit to find some that address your exact concerns but I bet they have good content related to it. Also, could be an opportunity to listen together as a “safe” way to try to work through these concerns?

    – Sex with Emily
    – Shameless Sex

  12. Sounds like he’s asexual. Sit him down with the description & resources, and **without judgement** ask if he thinks that describes him. If so, it’s time to break up. It’s cruel to expect him to provide this whirlwind raunchy experience if that’s not who he is.

  13. If he’s late thirties then he may want to get his testosterone checked. Losing weight ie doing cardio and doing strength training etc will all help but he may have a hormone imbalance thst can be addressed.

  14. Medicine can fix just about any physiological or psychological malady he may have, but it can’t fix it if he’s not attracted to you.

  15. >He went to the doctor and they told him to lose some weight and take some supplements.

    Calories deficits kill your sex drive tbh!

  16. Can you start with initiating a light quota per week? Try 2 times per week (with no complaining if he meets the quota) then go from there. Maybe the more you do it, the more interested he’ll become again.

  19. Nope. I was in a 9 year relationship with an ex-boyfriend that had a porn addiction and rejected me constantly, so as a result we had no sex life, and it was the most heartbreaking experience of my life. (Many false / broken promises that he would manage the issue and then obviously didn’t.)

    I value a healthy sex life, have a high sex drive, and need to be sexually compatible with someone going forward. This ^ wouldn’t work for me. You have to decide what compatibility looks like for you, but I would leave asap.

    Good luck!

  21. I 30M have the same issues as OP’s Partner. I’m very attracted to my partner, but whatever that hormone that makes you want to jump someone’s bones is not in me.

    Sometimes I have that feeling but it’s rare. I’m active and eat right, but when the evening comes and the choice is between making a move or going to sleep my impulse is usually to choose sleep.

    Because of this I’m fairly insecure, I’ve had people cheat on me because of this. I compensate by being a really great partner.

    My girlfriend hasn’t brought up any issues with my low sex drive, I’m generally good for once every 10 days.

    I will forever in the back of my mind feel like I am undeserving of long-term love because of this.

  23. Breakup. He’s not doing anything wrong, he simply doesn’t have an innate desire to sleep with you. Y’all just don’t mix. Sex isn’t everything, but it needs to actually happen.

  24. He needs to do blood work and get his testosterone checked. I had having similar problems, got my T checked and sure enough it was low. I’ve been on treatment for about two months and I feel like a teenager in the bedroom again.

  25. He probably has low testosterone and it would be worthwhile getting it tested. I have been on TRT for 3 years and let me tell you that it makes a world of difference. I went from one or twice a week to wanting to see how many times in a row we could do it.

  26. I went through this not too long ago, as a man. It’s tough cuz I wanted to and was willing, but then one day I didn’t get an erection and it kinda spiraled, anxiety really creeps in, I was feeling a lot of pressure about it; just an overall shitty situation. Patience here is important, but I don’t think he would necessarily take it the wrong way if things ended. I know I didn’t, despite how much it hurt. Testosterone is down in men everywhere basically, coupled with porn/social media girls and just how stressful modern life is, this issue is a lot more common than you’d think. Eliminating porn is huge, so maybe try and talk about that, no matter how awkward it is. TRT is also something to consider, but definitely a last resort.

  27. >What do I do?

    Open relationship or break up. You can definitely try, but this will not change. In fact it will probably get worse as this becomes more and more of an issue. Knowing he isn’t satisfying his partner will further deteriorate his sexual desire towards you. This sucks and I am sorry. I have had several relationships fall apart because everything except the sex was there.

  28. Maybe his sexual desire is not really something he can control, but where is the effort to still satisfy you in ways other than PIV?

  29. i was in a relationship like this. he never wanted to have sex but we were best friends and had so much fun otherwise.

    at night we were too busy doing an evening activity, followed by late dinner and quick to bed. the mornings he had 30 mins to get ready for work. he never wanted day sex. it caused many fights as i’m a sexual person.

    he always found ways to blame me…saying i put too much pressure on him, or that some fight a couple months ago made him not want it. claimed to be “super wild and sexual” with his ex. this made me feel horribly about myself…like i wasn’t loved as much as his ex , or i wasn’t hot enough. l spent 8 months running and working out , losing weight…thinking NOW he’ll want to have sex with me. he didn’t.

    we eventually broke up…but i think it’s important we find people who have similar sexuality. for me personally his lack of sex drive plummeted my self esteem and made
    me question my own worth. he told me in the end he had never been in love with me, just was lonely since his ex left him.

    that was 4 years wasted in my 30s.

  30. If the sex drive was there previously and then disappeared, this sounds more like a health problem then a pure relationship problem.

  31. If you haven’t already sit him down and explain to him that this is something really important to you

    Make it into a “I feel” and “I need” statements. Make your needs known.

  32. have you done anything to try to spice things up? or are you just expecting him to take you when hes ready? the reason i say this is because i was in a relationship like that. I would have sex with her all the time at first but she was always on the receiving end of sexual desire. never the other way around. she would never just jump my bones or ever made me feel like she lusted over me (even know she said she did). she would just bitch that we werent having sex like we used to. she was boring and i left her.

  33. I mean its likely not his fault, however you deserve to be happy too! I wonder sometimes about my exes as sex was seemingly the only thing they wanted from me, if they constantly fantasize about the sex we had when with their current partners, especially some of them have found some pretty lazy looking guys who seemingly let themselves go long ago. I know I would have a hard time going from a 10 to a 3🤷‍♂️😘

  34. He may be asexual. It’s not uncommon, but there are a lot of people who haven’t taken the time for the introspection that it takes to figure that out – I didn’t realize until I was in my early thirties. If that’s the case, it’s not something that’s likely to change, and you may both want to figure out how okay you are with that.

  37. I was in a similar situation but only for 2 years. The sexually compatibility wasn’t there and I had to come to the truth that I wasn’t in love despite the effort. This was also despite us being a seemingly successful “power couple,” and best friends.

    The sexual awkwardness was the biggest sign. The nail in the coffin was trying to imagine a life with this gentle, magnificent person and getting sad about it.

    I hope you’re able to salvage whatever is in your destiny to have! It’ll be good to have a safe, honest, and vulnerable conversation about it. Good luck ❤️

  38. Have you heard of the Madonna Whore Complex? I think it’s most common in men, but I suffer from it as a woman. Something gets triggered when I have respectful feelings for a man and I no longer feel that “get naked now” feeling. I can’t simultaneously feel love/respect, and lust. I just can’t think of those men “that way”. Has he had this issue in past relationships? If so, look into this.

  39. I lost my sex drive six years into a seven year relationship. Turns out (after we split up, lol) I was actually quite unwell with a massive vitamin D and magnesium deficiency as well as low testosterone. Because it crept up on me kind of gradually it wasn’t an obvious change. After I started taking supplements and made some changes to my diet, I lost a ton of weight, my mood improved massively, my libido returned and at 46 I get morning wood that puts anything I had at 18 to shame.
    If my partner had been more sympathetic instead of losing her shit at me, we might have lasted as a couple. Maybe it’s worth getting your partner to a doctor and doing some blood work to check for similar issues? I mean, generally speaking we don’t just lose our appetite for sex and intimacy just like that for no underlying reason…

    ETA – i just re-read your post and you say partner visited doctor already – but if it is persisting, perhaps the supplements recommended aren’t working. Is he on any other medication at all? I’ve seen people on certain antidepressants totally lose either the will to have sex or the ability to even if the mind is willing. I was seeing a woman who took citalopram and it completely changed her bodily response to stimuli, she didn’t get wet when aroused anymore, for example. Sorry if that’s TMI.

  40. If you haven’t read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, now would be a great time 🙂

  41. This sounds like a best friend relationship.

    Okay, girl, it’s not gonna work out. For whatever reason, the sexual flame has been snuffed out, and my personal (and admittedly sex-centric and likely extremely controversial) opinion is that sex is one of THE most important aspects to a relationship. It’s an elevated expression of love, it’s intimacy, it’s closeness and bonding and oh man is it just awesome.

    Sorry, it’s been awhile. Anyway.

    Don’t waste his time and yours. That’s one thing you can never get or give back. It’s been six months, it hasn’t changed, you’re both wonderful…and you’re extremely sexually incompatible. I’m sorry, honey, but it’s time to move on.

  42. I was in a relationship like this for three years. We started off doing it all the time after a few months it stopped. My ex never went to the doctor or anything. He just said nothing was wrong and I just had an overactive sex drive. We fought about it a lot. I ended up walking in on him masterbating after turning me down one night. Turned out he did it all the time. He didn’t want to have sex..idk he had some porn addiction or something. I couldn’t stay in a relationship with someone I wasn’t sexually compatible with. And it wasn’t my job to fix whatever was going on. I enjoyed our time together but also wanted someone who wanted me like I wanted them. Do what you feel is right but dont waste time just because hes a nice guy.

  43. I don’t recommend sex being front and centre. Sex is absolutely important but it has a place. As you said, start of a relationship it’s uaually the most frequent..

    How often do you instigate?

  44. Maybe it’s a behavior thing. If he’s not sleeping enough that could easily affect his testosterone production, which would affect his sex drive.

    I know there are papers on certain weight lifting techniques that boost testosterone, verified by blood samples. And anecdotally I feel more driven after going to the gym as well.

    There’s so many factors to it, you have the best idea of everyone here on what his desire issue could be stemming from. I would say if you truly feel everything is perfect, and he’s trying to make the changes, then stick it out and see how things go. Sometimes the pressure of sex can absolutely KILL the mood as well.

    And if it comes to it, see if he can get his Testosterone levels checked by a medical professional, maybe just has genetically lower test. Plenty of men go on “testosterone replacement therapy / TRT ” which is just exogenous testosterone injected or administered on the skin. But its a life long thing and just don’t expect his hair to stay on his head if you go that route. And don’t go to a testosterone clinic, go to a Urologist for testing.

    Good luck OP

  45. Tell him to hit the gym and get his testosterone checked out. I know I am attracted to women with high testosterone levels. How do I know? pheromones.

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