As a gay man who deals with social anxiety, one of my major social anxiety triggers is being in masculine, straight male dominated spaces. Like the barbershop for example. Whenever I’m around really masculine straight men, I always feel like I can’t 100% be myself out of fear that they’re gonna clock me as an obvious gay man. I always feel like I have to make my voice and mannerisms more masculine than they normally are in order to fit in. It’s obvious the reason why I have this anxiety around straight men is due to the homophobic bullying I had to deal with in both middle and high school. It left me with some sort of PTSD. How can I not feel anxious around straight men?
28 comments
This never occurred to me! I know us ladies have an awareness of men’s actions at all times. I know how you feel, though, men rarely “clock “ us in public. For safety, trust your gut. Hopefully, times are still evolving for the better.
You gotta own it bro.
I’m a gay man with social anxiety too, and I used to shy away from straight men period due to the same fears. But if you are the type who frequents this particular barber shop you might just slip up and then they’d consider you a fraud or something. It’s just easier to come as you are. Thankfully, we’re far more protected now than ever before. These barbers (hopefully) aren’t stupid enough to start shit physically.. but the slurs are something that’s almost inevitable. But fuck it! Who cares what they have to say? 9 out of 10 times they’ll just do it behind your back anyway, which already tells you they’d be cowards so fuck that! Be you man, you don’t even have to say anything tbh just let them know what you want and let it be. If you’re into small talk then do that. You should never have to change who are you to appease anyone! It’s your fucking life!
Homophobic bullying is horrible and it’s totally reasonable that you are afraid to be yourself in these places. As a fellow socially anxious gay man, I can relate to how you’re feeling. If it’s really holding you back, therapy is worth considering.
Some other points of view you might like to think about:
* Not all the straight guys there are noticing that you’re gay, or even paying any attention to you at all.
* There’s plenty straight guys that don’t have stereotypical straight guy mannerisms, so people don’t even know who’s gay.
* Depending on how many guys are there, there might be be other gay guys there, but you just don’t notice them.
* You have as much right to be in those spaces as any straight guy does.
Also, if it’s safe to do where you live, you could try some form of exposure therapy. You go somewhere you feel anxious about and risk being your true gay self and see what happens. If nothing bad happens, you’ve proved you can just be yourself in that place. If something bad happens, you don’t have to go back there. Good luck!
Yup
I know the feeling If anything i admire those straight men always wishing i could be 100% secure like them Or atleast appear so
But really the harder you try the more it shows
It really is about confidence and not sexual orientation They’re little bitches anyway if they decide to bully you
On a side note its always the straight guys i want and i just cannot have
Then stop being gay, problem solved.
Jk i don’t know any better, pls don’t ban
Idk if this will help, but I work around some homophobic ass mother fuckers in Florida and while they don’t agree with “being gay”, they still always treat any obviously gay man with complete respect and politeness. Do what you will with that information
Let them take you as they see you. This is your world too!❤️🏳️🌈
Im a very “boyish” short guy. I could probably walk into a high school and get away with it even tho Im 30 lol. It causes me to feel like Im not an adult and dont really belong anywhere, so my anxiety shoots thru the roof.
I understand this and Im not gay. I kinda just act like Im exhausted all the time and dont have energy for anyone’s crap. Which is kinda true. But I dont act like a jerk, I still speak relaxed and empathetically.
People pick up on this and it causes them to have a “dont waste this dude’s time” energy back to me. Like I somehow have authority. It really works lol.
Not saying you have to do this, probably bad advice honestly. But just give a bit of attitude to your presence and you wont worry about being any certain way at anytime.
What Im getting at is, you dont have time for shit, so dont take it. Get what you need to do done and just focus on that.
Normal, mature adult men do not judge other people’s “masculinity” in their everyday life. And those who do ? Why would you care about their opinion ? They’re not normal adult men.
I’m curious is this a black barbershop or a white one? Bc from what I heard black barbershop can be very homophobic and toxic masculine.
The key is remembering that they PROBABLY don’t care,let alone care enough to say or do anything
fun fact from a straight guy: living up to the expectations of masculinity is an anxiety inducing ordeal for a lot of us too, and that’s coming from a big sturdy lad with a beard. we’re aaaaaaaaalways stressing about it. and we totally get bullied for how close (or not) we manage to get to that masculine ideal.
the point here is not to dismiss your anxiety, or to imply that you don’t face many many challenges specific to the gay experience. but if you’re worried about standing out amongst the straights, i promise that hardly any of us live up to the insane societal pressure to be the right kind of masculine, and we’re all worried about being judged for it too.
and we all have terrible gaydar anyway.
>I always feel like I have to make my voice and mannerisms more masculine than they normally are in order to fit in.
Real talk. You weren’t born speaking like that.
Raising the pitch of your voice is a learned behavior.
Yeah you gotta own it. I have nothing but respect for men who know who they are and are proud of it.
Try posting this in r/askgaybros
You know *exactly* how oblivious to this shit 99.9% of hetero men are. You’re good dude, don’t sweat it.
As a straight dude I would say masculinity often doesn’t fit in the boxes we try to put it in. For some people, masculinity is monetary, or it means dominance. For others like myself to be masculine is to accept the feminine; to listen, respect other perspectives, make good friends, be vulnerable, and be responsible for your words and actions. Those who distill masculinity into one concept, or two ideas that include being a sexual commodity valued by money and perceived power are often the types to be terrified of this masculinity being challenged by someone different. Sometimes all you can do is try to relate and show these guys the spectrum of what it means to be a man. They don’t have to be your friend, and you don’t have to change who you are. You might be surprised. I generally avoid the “hypermasculine” types, but if I have to interact with them I don’t hide who I am, the worst that can happen is they make fun of my nail polish or color coordinated clothing, and I laugh it off, because I know they might never understand the expression I choose, or how many other people enjoy it. Sometimes all it takes is to be direct and say “yep, this is how I dress, how I talk, ain’t nothing wrong with it.”
It doesn’t matter what certain people think.
My friend just be yourself, it doesn’t matter how someone else perceives you, as long as you are confident with who you are it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. That being said, I guess if we were in the same room you would consider me a straight masculine male, I know several Gay men that literally just be themselves and are really cool and awesome to talk too. Some of the nicest people I’ve met are gay. Heck I met a gay man who despised my very existence simply because I was a straight white male. We got along really well because there was a mutual respect there even though he didn’t like me. And that’s honestly fine. I work with some, I hang out with some, personally I don’t give 2 cares in the world that a person is gay, I respect you as a human being, you roam this earth just like everybody else. As long as you are respectful, most people are respectful back by default. And if they aren’t being respectful well shame on them, that’s on them. You’ll come to find that a lot of people genuinely don’t care. I think you’ll be alright.
Instead of diving into the deep end with a group setting, how about asking a straight acquaintance if he wants to grab lunch or happy hour.
I was supposed to be reassigned at birth and was not, for various reasons (all malicious).
I have identifiably feminine mannerisms, but they are not those of a feminine gay man. Women can often tell, but straight guys usually are clueless and don’t care, anyway. A secluded island for the criminally insane, mostly on drugs, with virtually no security or cameras, was not a problem.
From my experience, you shouldn’t have any problems. If you’re attracted to a straight man in a barbershop, keep it together. He’s not there for that and you aren’t, either.
Straight dude and have had friendships with gay men and women and friendly with trans at work. Bartender at microbrewery refers to themselves as he. He’s cool to chat with when I’m grabbing a beer.
Not all straight dudes are toxic.
Kinda sad people don’t consider their actions continue to cause damage long after they’ve moved on.
Damn, that sucks man. The bullying part especially, I’m sorry you had that experience.
If that’s any consolation, a lot of straight guys “straight themselves up” for show as well, especially when around women. So I doubt anyone is gonna pick up on you acting fake or like jump on you the second your voice goes up a tone.
And on the other hand, sorry to bust out the ole reddit advice, but maybe think about getti g some therapy (or science based self-help) with the trauma stuff.
As a straight man, I don’t care if somebody is gay or not, and I also don’t automatically feel secure in “male dominated spaces”.
In my country the barber shops are often run by people from a certain culture who may be more likely to be homophobic. Actually even as a straight man some of them would make me uncomfortable because of cultural differences. I guess you’ll just have to seek out places where you feel comfortable, same as everybody.
Embrace yourself, that’s the 1st step 2 overcoming this PTSD. Real men shouldn’t have 2 CONFORM 2 masculine stereotypes.
Well, if you’re dealing with social anxiety around straight men, just remember, humor is your secret weapon! Start with a joke and watch their straight faces crack!
As a straight dude, I idolize some gay dudes I know for things outside of what might be considered masculine. Like for instance, social connection skills, logical perspective, and taste in things. Gay dudes I know have more facial hair and muscles than me from a phenotype perspective and are good with conversation. I’m a turd as far as masculinity comparatively.
I grew up the same way. Bullied relentlessly. It took a long time to be comfortable around straight men. My husbands family are all hunters, drive big trucks, fish…you get the idea. I’m also a barber and mostly have straight male clients. Don’t pretend to be something you’re not. Don’t change your voice and mannerisms. I promise you that most of them will be fine with you being yourself. They’d probably be more bothered by you pretending to be more masculine than you are. Because that’s usually an obvious thing and me personally, I hate that. Be who you are!!! And to be totally honest with you, I now feel 100% more comfortable with straight men than gay men. None of the bitchiness clicks of gay guys bring with them. I feel very welcomed and loved by those very straight men that are my in laws. Hugs and love from them always, same with my clients.
Hey there anxious gay man! Don’t worry, just bring a rainbow flag, a feather boa, and a bubble machine to the barbershop. Problem solved!