How do you feel about people saying you “check a lot of boxes” for them?

29 comments

1. You might be reading too much into it. For many people it’s simply a turn of phrase meaning that there were a lot of qualities about you that they liked. It doesn’t necessarily mean he was using a mental rubric or just looking for someone who “matched the idea of who he wanted as a partner”.

   And even if he was… I don’t think that’s so awful or wrong. It just sounds bad when said that way. But aren’t most people doing that to some degree when they date?

2. I have a box list of things I find compatible and not compatible.
   Ie: I don’t date religious folks, I don’t want kids, I’m monogamous, I don’t date conservatives, and I don’t date people that drink often.

   Those are just baseline “What works and doesn’t work” boxes for me though. I think you’re probably not wrong on people wanting an idea more than a person, but sometimes they might mean “We share views or values that are non-negotiables for me”

3. It’s a compliment that you have a personality/values/lifestyle etc that matches what he is looking for.
   We all have things that we are looking for in a partner and that isn’t bad.

   I’ve said this myself and someone told me this as well – it’s just that we really like someone and they matches us!
   Doesn’t mean it’s a fantasy we are creating. We just know what we want and we can recognize it when we see it ☺️ see it as a good thing.
   I think you are perhaps overthinking it/taking it personally/negative.

4. Sounds like the type of guy that unironically describes women as “great catches”

5. You rejected him and you’re basically upset that he said he liked many things about you. Move on.

6. I think everyone has these things, and it’s the wording of “checking off boxes” that makes it sound formulaic. I’m certain you have particular non negotiables, because if you didn’t, you would be boundary-less. I have several of those. And then I have several desires that would be really nice to have, but aren’t a non-starter. And then I have some things that are like extra sprinkles of bonus excitement. If I were to put these all in a list, the person I’m seeing probably checks 85% of my boxes. But I wouldn’t present it that way to him, and I’ve very much spent time getting to know him as a person.

7. On OLD I always look at certain attributes before reading the rest of the profile – smoker / drug use is my automatic no, but there are other minor ‘tick boxes’ I will note as well & if there are too many X’s I’ll pass.

   It also means barely filled profiles are promptly bypassed – I just don’t understand why some folk bother signing up if they’re not going to inform potential partners of their details.

   To me more checkboxes ticked just means a greater likelihood of compatibility – & I’ve no issue being ‘graded’ the same way, though there are certainly more eloquent ways of describing the process than using that turn of phrase.

8. I’d be honoured if someone felt that about me

9. I interpret it as meaning that the other person finds the two of you to be compatible in many ways. That’s how my past partners have meant it, at least.

10. I think all he meant was that you checked a lot of the boxes off his list of BASIC compatibility, and because of that, he was looking forward to getting to know you better to see if you were indeed a good match, overall, and long term.
    That’s exactly how I’d take it if someone told me that. In other words, I wouldn’t read much of anything into it.

11. I also think you’re overthinking it. For me if a woman checks a lot of boxes, she’d be into learning about different cultures, not hating all sports, easy going, likes to eat, educated.. those are my boxes. It means we’d very likely get a long pretty well. I’m not sure what you were thinking he meant. Anyway, you rejected him anyway haha! I supposed it doesn’t matter.

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13. This is a big sore point for me.

    In quite a few relationships I’ve had I’ve felt like men were with me simply because I checked their boxes and on paper I seemed like a good match. When in reality I don’t think they personally really liked ME.

    The majority of men who have said this to me on dates I haven’t pursued. It’s not simply about the phrase but it also made me look closer at their other behavior’s and whether that was happening – in most of the cases I felt like it was.

14. My first boyfriend and I had been together about a year and I found a notebook where he had written a list of qualities he wanted in a woman and rated me on a 1-10 scale. My final score was a 7. He had written “Can I live with a 7? I can live without a 7.”

    I’m still amused by that.

15. I personally hate it. It just feels gross to me too. Relationships need to unfold slowly over time – I’m not just a series of traits and characteristics that mash together into a perfect girlfriend! I’m s complex and multifaceted human being with weird ways of thinking, with a rich history, with my own shames and traumas, with my own joys and pleasures – I’m not a list of things you like in a person – I’m deep and complex and if after a few dates you think I “check all the boxes”? It kind of shows me that you are looking much more shallow than I am for what really works in a relationship.

    I’ll knows if someone “checks all the boxes” after we’ve been together for a few years, had some major fights, worked through big issues, handled huge life setbacks together. Only then will I know if they have enough of what I need to be happy regularly, and that their weakness mesh with mine well enough to know life together would work.

    That being said: when I was dating there were a series of VALUES that I would look for in someone to make sure they would mesh with me. Their views on the world, their politics, their views on relationships and family, how they treat and think about bugs and animals and nature, how they view growth and change, how they treat their body, what they think about their health and their eating habits, even their taste in music and movies somewhat. But I never felt like it was “boxes” to check – but I’m a much more “go with the flow” person anyway. If someone differed from me too much on these basic values then I would know pretty quickly they weren’t good for me – but if they matched up with me – the relationship would move forward.

    I guess technically that’s “checking all the boxes” but that turn of phrase just really irks me. Tbh to me it sounds like that person has been dating for a long time and doesn’t know what to look for naturally so they had to really define it for themselves …..

    But this person clearly didn’t do a good job if you noticed long term incompatibilities and they didn’t! Ha.

16. I get it, sometimes our feelings don’t make sense or things just hit us the wrong way. But there’s really nothing wrong with what he said, and it’s a compliment to you.
    You say you didn’t think he was compatible with you long-term. Why? Because, when you dig into it, he either didn’t fit some of your requirements or had some of the things you didn’t want. It’s really the same thing, just stated in different ways. For him, what he’s saying is that he Does think you are compatible long-term. Also, I hope you don’t take this wrong (ironic now that I say that), if you don’t want to be with him anyway, why does how he said something even matter?
    Another way to think about this is if someone told you that they think you’re attractive, funny, smart, and fun to be around and you get upset because you want them to like you for who you are, not those individual things about you … Those things make up who you are to them. Does that make sense?

17. Tbh I prefer the idea of check boxes being done rather than some kind of transient “vibe”. It gives you something you might be able to trust more than gut responses to toxic relationship dynamics.

18. Yeah I don’t like it at all. I want someone to know me and like that person, I don’t want to fill some hypothetical perfect person that I’ll never be anyway.

19. My issue with “box-checkers” is more on the front-end of the dating process. When I’m swiping, if I see a profile that lists a bunch of specifications, like must be 5’10″+, 8″+, have a successful career/earn at least $X/yr, etc., it’s a hard no, even if I do measure up against all their expectations.

    For one, I don’t want to waste time getting to know someone (and cash going on dates) if I’m going to constantly be worried they’re looking for the next detail to judge me on. I’m a human with strengths, weaknesses, and subjective flaws like everybody else, not a damn car you’re shopped for.

    Also, it’s absolutely fine to have preferences and filter your results accordingly, but when you demand that everyone self-police against your preferences to even express their interest, it comes off as downright lazy and conceited.

    However, I agree with the other comments that in your case, you’re probably overanalyzing an exceptionally common idiom.

20. I think it is intended as a compliment, trying to convey you possess qualities that they find to be important, it’s just an awkward way of communicating that, I’d recommend to everyone to find a different way of saying it.

21. If someone tells me that, I could be reading into it a lot too like you OP. For me, it does tell me that they have a type or they’re not willing to be open other than those who checks their boxes. Another is, a simplified version of, she checks my boxes and she doesn’t because we do move on to another if a date doesn’t work out.

22. I would think that someone who would say that is probably pretty new to online dating and is still kinda finding his way. It sounds like it was meant as a compliment so I wouldn’t take too much offense, and in any case you’d already decided you didn’t want to continue so it’s kind of a moot point.

    If anyone ever finds themselves thinking of saying something like this, might I suggest “There are so many things I enjoy about you” as a better alternative?

23. It’s a turn of phrase.

    If he didn’t bring a clipboard on a date and walk around you in circles actually physically checking a list you should probably be ok.

    But show him this post. It probably checks a box for him. Probably not on the good list.

24. I’m not fond of hearing that I check boxes. I also don’t like receiving lists on what they’re looking for in a partner and what they wouldn’t like in a partner. Do they have spreadsheets on all the women they’re talking to? Conspicuously missing from these men’s lists: what he has to offer. Pass.

25. I wouldn’t overthink it. It’s natural to want to soften the blow when you let someone down easy/tell them you don’t want to date anymore. Him saying you “check a lot of boxes” doesn’t mean he goes through life robotically looking for women, it just means you have a lot a positive things he liked about you and wanted to acknowledge that.

26. You are just not that attracted to him so whatever trivial and normal things he said would just stick out like a sore thumb to you. ‘checked a lot of boxes’? I’d love to check all of someone’s boxes because I know I have all the good quality someone wants to see in their ideal person. I’ll be goddamn flattered when someone says that to me!

27. This how guys think. It’s logical and systematic. Quite a few of those boxes are probably personality traits like being funny or sweet you know. It’s not just o is her tits big and ass fat. I guarantee on his list is employed kind hobbies you really shouldn’t be insulted by this because it wasn’t meant that way for sure.

28. You’re way overthinking it. He just means that he thought you guys were compatible . It’s not necessarily a statement that should be interpreted literally.

29. It might not even be literal but just a way of saying he thinks you’re compatible or sees you as a good fit.