TLDR: Bf is into hotwifing (maybe). I’m not. He feels frustrated mentally/sexually as he no longer gets off to porn, my nudes, or vanilla sex but I feel uncomfortable sleeping around just to satisfy his fantasies. It’s harming our relationship.
My bf recently discovered this kink/fetish in which he gets extremely turned on by having fantasies of me screwing other people. We think it might be hotwifing.
I’m asexual and have very low libido. I have made out a few times with but never went all the way (before him), and my stories are boring him out. I can’t make things up because he knows I’m lying and that gives him zero satisfaction. He wants me to go meet people to describe the hookups to him during sex/masturbation.
I strongly dislike the idea. I am pretty open-minded but this goes against my moral values. Plus my past trauma.
We’ve discussed and he agreed not to push me anymore. Great! Except once he gets horny, no logic retains. He becomes arrogant, demanding, self-centered. He has snapped at me on several occasions for not being a whore. He explicitly said I just cannot satisfy him, he wished I haven’t been such a good girl.
I feel like parts of me are being chewed away.
I admit I gave him the wrong ideas. When we first started, I was swept by his hypersexuality and had lots of sex, only to withdraw from these activities later on. I failed to guard my boundaries and gave in to his beggings many times.
Porn doesn’t excite him anymore. My lewd pics and vids no longer work. I have to be there, narrating the stuff as he imagines the scenario while wanking off to it. Again, he has way higher drives than me, so I’m usually not in the mood and being a people pleaser, his persistent requests send me into survival mode every time.
He pushed me so much that I forced myself to be interested in the hotwife lifestyle. I told him, then instantly regretted. If I really pursue this lifestyle just for him, I would be completely broken. I would lose myself, my sense of self-worth. I’ve struggled with suicide ideation and I do NOT want to go back.
We love each other and want to improve our relationship. What can we do to help this situation?
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UPDATE: I did not expect this many responses, thank you! Sorry I can’t reply to all your comments and messages, but I read every single one of them.
I would like to clear some things up:
1. I’m sure I am asexual or at least fall on the acespec. I have informed him of this and he assured me it won’t be a problem, which was why I committed.
2. Yes, he calls me a “whore”, “slut”, and similar names, though only during intimate times, never outside the bedroom.
3. I didn’t mind the frequent sex at first because I was exploring my sexual preferences – and I did find it fun. However the enjoyment fades as we do it more often than I’d like. I can live without sex. I view it more as a way to develop intimacy and express love (to some people), thus I try not to take it away from my partner.
4. My mental issues have existed way before I met him. We share similar trauma and it may have contributed to his hypersexuality. Of course, I’m not giving him excuses. We understand neither of us are wrong for our incompatibality. Rather, we’ll need to focus on healing in order to pursue a healthy relationship, either with each other or someone else.
5. I’ve brought up having FWBs as long as he keeps it strictly sexual. He always rejects the idea, saying he only wants me and would only find satisfaction from me. Basically we both want our partner to sleep with other people but for different reasons haha.
Anyway, we had a serious talk today.
I certainly do not want to fuck other people but turns out I’m okay with online playing, of course only sparingly as I’m not too interested. We agreed that sexting guys and using toys would work great, no need for actual hotwife. Many thanks to those who recommended milder ways to satisfy his wants without harming myself. As someone commented, I think teasing him with random dildo/dick pics when I’m away would do wonders as well.
He admitted he feels as if I don’t find him attractive anymore. He is almost always the one initiating, and even then I’d turn him down most of the time. He wants to feel like I’m also into the sexual aspect of our relationship, not just him. It drives him crazy when I act naughty, which is where the kink stems from I suppose?
I agreed to be more active, although I made sure he understands I won’t be able to match his libido. In turn, I requested that he be more compassionate and do not push my limits. He’d need to work on his anger issues and porn addiction too.
We discussed more but the gist is so. Mainly that we could spice things up without crossing each other’s boundaries. I don’t know if I’ve made the right decision, however I would like to make one last bet.
On a side note, shoutout to the comment asking whether I’d tolerate this if it was my friend. You opened my eyes. We’ve talked and came to agreements, sure, but if it doesn’t work out in reality, I would’ve prepared myself to leave.
Once again, thank you for all your kind words! To those in similar circumstances, I hope you’ll find a solution that makes you happy.
35 comments
If he can’t respext your boundary, move on
Dating is about finding someone you are compatible with. You are about as incompatible sexually as it gets. There’s no chance here for long term happiness. Be thankful you aren’t married with kids. Go find yourself a guy who is also asexual and live your best life with them. This guy really isn’t it for you. Staying in a situation that gives you suicidal thoughts is beyond awful.
This is weird and controlling in a way that is likely to end the relationship. I’m sorry he’s like this – you deserve better.
I could write a whole essay on this but ill keep it short.
He pushed/force you into a kink you didn’t like yourself and was out of line with your morals.
He snapped and got angry with you when you didn’t turn into his personal whore for whom he could act like a pimp to pick people with whom you should fuck, multiple times you say.
He is unable to retain logic when horny. The post nut clarity thing is just a running joke it doesn’t mean men can not control themselves when we are horny and only has basic brain function back once they’ve came.
You’ve struggled with suicide ideation. As a direct consequence of being with him.
Everything here is screaming at everyone who read this post to tell you to get the fuck out of that relationship. He is toxic, he has issues which we don’t need to elaborate on as to how to get out of here. Because this isn’t about him, it isn’t about how he could change or fix these things.
This is about putting the one thing first that should always have been his first priority and that is his partners (Yours) safety and happiness. Something which he has cast away in his search for every growing extreme pleasures because it is very clear he practices little to no self control.
He may be sweet, he may be kind to you normally. But it does not change the fact he has acted in a way multiple times in a manner beyond what would justify you to cut ties with him. And that is exactly what i suggest you do. Dump him and find someone who you have a mutually respectful sex life with who is perfectly fine with your asexuality.
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If you’ve read this and had some doubt about what should do. Simply consider your friend was in this position and her boyfriend has acted this way to her. What would you want her to do? Do exactly that.
If you are severely mismatched sexually, both in libido and kinks, there really isn’t an answer. Remain friends, but stop being partners. You aren’t compatible and neither of you will ever be happy. (I’m sorry, that’s really harsh, but I’m old and have seen too much misery of mismatched sexual styles in my own life. Don’t make your life miserable when you can end this amicably and both find something better suited to you.)
Sexual incompatibility is a perfectly good reason to separate romantically and try to remain friends
It’s much easier to find someone else than it is to deal with such an abysmal sexual incompatibility.
Weighing in bc my husband has the same kink and I also don’t sleep with other ppl.
My husband loves the fantasy and we have a lot of dirty talk around it when we have sex. We have also talked to other guys online and shared my pics etc. however, he knows I am not interested in actually meeting other men in person. Not once has he ever raised his voice or been upset at me for this. The fact that your bf gets mad at you is a huge red flag, if my husband had that reaction it would be over for me and I’d never be able to participate in the fantasy again and would honestly break up.
Edited a typo
Two things – if he don’t want to do what he wants, and he keeps being a little bitch about it, then tell him to fuck off.
Second thing – you sure you’re asexual, and not just “not into his shit”? Because you sure don’t sound asexual to me.
If he goes onto cuckolding oriented Reddit’s it seems like everyone enjoys cuckolding when in fact it is relatively uncommon. If he expects you to enjoy the same kinds of things that the people on his kink sites enjoy then he will likely be disappointed.
If this is a kink you don’t share and that makes you feel bad you need to say no and be emphatic.
If this is a thing he needs, he will need to look for a future partner who is into this.
You need to accept that you may not ever be compatible in this way. To be clear, this is a big issue, not just a small one.
You two are incompatible.
I hate to be the one to tell you this, but uh… he is hypersexual and his fetish is you being hypersexual with both him and other people. You are borderline asexual.
You may actually be the *least* compatible couple I have ever seen on this subreddit, which is full of completely incompatible relationships. There is no foundation here to repair, no issues to fix. Please move on from this relationship, for both of your sakes.
You are not compatible. Find someone else.
Move on. He will just sneak around. You two are not sexually compatible
You guys are 22 and 25, and he is expecting hotwifing at this young age… I guess he is not compatible with you..
Leave this man! Anyone who does not respect and appreciate your moral values does not deserve you.
Can I just say you are doing wonderful at setting your boundaries and that it’s not your fault that he refuses to listen to you? I am asexual myself and can’t handle some rough sexual things like others. I wish I could give you a hug and shoulder to cry on. You need to separate from him theirs no changing a man like that.
How can you fix this? You describe yourself as asexual and your bf as hypersexual. These are polar opposites.
You are both sexually incompatible and there’s no compromise available here.
If you do what he wants, you will be traumatizing yourself and it’s not something you will ever enjoy. If he does what you want he is going to have to give up his kink which he seems unwilling to do.
I’d suggest couples counseling but I don’t see any middle ground here.
My advice is to part on good terms and find other people more suited to you both.
You need a boyfriend on his way to becoming a husband, not a wannabe pimp. Scrape this guy off your shoe and find a man that respects you.
Yall just aren’t compatible
This isn’t going to change. You aren’t going to suddenly magically feel comfortable crossing a sexual boundary you have, and his fantasies are going to suddenly magically disappear.
You with both stew in resentment over time. You are not compatible.
It is best to amicably go your separate ways.
Forget the hotwifing- the bigger issue is that you’re asexual and he’s not. There will always be dissatisfaction because of that. You two are simply incompatible. Cut your losses and move on.
You’re 22, you don’t need to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect you or wants you to be someone you’re not. Someone having such rigid sexual requirements with no flexibility so early in life is a big red flag. You don’t need this! And he needs to learn to listen to partners when they say NO. WTF.
Leave him immediately. He wants you to be someone else, and you’ll continue feeling terrible about the situation. Unless you’re both okay with him getting another partner, the pressure won’t get easier on you.
Leave him
Leave him, since ur not comfortable dont do it, you shouldn’t feel forced to do something you dont wanna do
He doesnt respect you or your boundaries. As long as it is like this, you can help this situation.
Plus he has a major problem with porn, maybe even addiction, maybe death grip …
I would recommend for him not using porn at all and staying in the momen when he has sex with you. Maybe even try tantra or slow sex, there are good books from Diana Richardson on this topic.
This maybe even helps you to work through sexual trauma and for you both to “relearn” sex.
But pls dont give in and dont do any hotwifing. It will break you and it will harm your relationship even more. And I even think it will harm your partner. Imagining something and having it happen in real life are 2 different things.
So stay true to yourself, respect yourself and your boundaries and if he is not willing to accept and respect you, move on.
Sorry to say but incompatible sex drives will only create a larger division as time goes on. Asexual and hyper sexual are the worst combinations. You will be unhappy with his pressure and he will be miserable asking and getting rejected.
The hot wifing getting is a different issue entirely.
Sometimes people simply can’t make it work because they have completely different ideas on how a relationship works and they want different things. It sucks, it does, but that is probably the reality of your situation. If one of you is miserable doing something only the other person wants, that relationship isn’t going anywhere and it will only breed resentment, miscommunication and lack of trust and security in the bond. You two have not only completely different libidos, you also have completely different ideas about intimacy, sexual relationship and sexual dynamics. We date to filter out people who have such different views from us that we can’t make it work, that’s the literal reason for dating:to find a person whose ideas, values, goals and intents match ours.
Even if you put a huge incompatibility aside, a massive issue in your relationship is your bf’s lack of respect for you. From insults, to pushing your boundaries and not giving a fuck about what you want, ignoring your lack of consent and enthusiasm into things he wants, his behavior alone is very concerning and should not be tolerated. Imagine if you were as pushing, insulting and inconsiderate towards him only caring about what you want and need. Does that align with your idea of properly treating a person you love? If the answer is no, ask yourself why you’re allowing yourself to be with someone who feels it’s okay to treat their “loved one” in such a shitty way. I think you should think harder what kind of dynamic you want to foster with a person you’re in a relationship with. This relationship seems to be affecting you very negatively mentally and emotionally, you have a responsibility towards yourself first, to remove yourself from a situation in which you’re not only not thriving, but in which you are withering. It’s not supposed to be like this, I hope you decide to do what’s best for you. Good luck!
This isn’t a you problem. It’s a him problem. You’re not compatible, and he’s disrespectful and unkind in regards to your comfort.
I would end this relationship.
He reminds me of someone with porn addiction. Porn addicts, if they don’t stop, don’t get excited by anything eventually, and go into more and more extremes, and in porn and in real life. Don’t do anything you are not comfortable with. No man is worth it. Ever. When you will meet the True Love of your life – you will know it, because instead of emotional abuse, like what you are going through now, you will feel safe and secure, and appreciated for who you are.
So many red flags in this. Run, don’t walk, away from him.
>We love each other
Someone who loved you wouldn’t treat you like this.
He doesn’t love you if he’s pushing you to do something knowing how badly it would make you feel. It sounds like you aren’t compatible but he also needs to think about how he treats women if he ever wants a happy one in his life
Don’t compromise your values for his orgasm. It sounds like he might have a problem with sex that has nothing to do with you, and that’s a issue for him to sort out on his own. Not use you as a sex toy to ignore his problems. No guy is worth all the shame that you’re already feeling. Be honest with yourself and him.