tl;dr
is it rude to not re-confirm before scheduled calls?
hi, i’m wondering how you all feel about re-confirming before facetime calls with your partner?
i’ve (29F) have been in a relationship with (50M) for 4 years and in a ldr,
we’ve come to regularly facetime during set days at set times. We never flake, once or twice there have been emergencies, but that’s it.
i often leave my phone on a different floor to charge and so i can do my work and chores without getting distracted (i have pretty severe adhd) and i always set an alarm for a few minutes before our scheduled call so i’m exactly on time.
Sometimes, he will message me asking if we are still on for our call later. The first time this happened, i didn’t see the message until my alarm went off and i went to grab my phone to call him. He didn’t pick up and told me later he didn’t appreciate that i didn’t confirm. to him, that meant that i cancelled.
i was shocked because that would be the rudest way to cancel, the last thing we agreed on stands imo. i apologized and explained to him that to me, the confirmation is the last thing we said and agreed on, i would never just not show up without actively canceling for a good reason. He said he understood.
Now it happened again, he texted me an hour before our scheduled call if we were still on, and i didn’t notice the text until it was time to call, and now he won’t answer. Maybe he’s just fallen asleep, but just out of curiosity/ in case he is upset with me tomorrow, i’m curious how other people feel about this and if it’s my fault/i’m being rude and i need to change my communication style.
thank you!!
2 comments
It does sound like different communication styles…which is understandable given that he’s old enough to be your father. Is this the only example of him shutting down when he doesn’t get his way? It’s possible that he’s a rare exception, but usually, there’s a reason why 40 something men pursue 20 something women and it frequently correlates to 40 something women not being willing to tolerate their bullshit.
I mean – you’ve been dating 4 years. Has he only recently started to require confirmation? And if so, why the change?
In terms of what is “normal” – it really depends on your dynamic. I have a regular Fri night get together with a friend – but it only happens maybe 70% of the time. So, for that standing “date” – a confirmation is required. If I/they don’t get a confirmation, we go ahead and do other things and don’t hold a grudge about it. With other friends, the plans are considered confirmed unless otherwise stated.
If your date happens 95% of the time, I would assume a confirmation is not required. Double that if he’s never wanted confirmation before and this is a new behavior.