This strained relationship still keeps me awake some nights. I’m looking for fresh, outside perspectives on what happened.
A few years ago, a good friend was fresh out of a relationship with a less than stellar guy, and she brought up wanting to date his (then) best friend. I expressed that I didn’t think it was a good idea and to maybe wait. I also remembered hearing that this guy she was thinking of dating was abusive to his ex, but I didn’t have much info so I kept that to myself. They ended up dating, and she didn’t tell me at first. I found out from other friends, and then in a group setting, I overheard her telling another friend about her new relationship 6 ft from me. After the event I told her this hurt and that I still support her if this is what makes her happy. We apologized. They got more serious, and I confirmed with another friend that there had in fact been “reports” of this guy being abusive to his ex. The other 2 friends who knew this didn’t want to tell her. I think it’s because they knew she might not take it well. I asked her to coffee and I told her- I would want to know if it were me. When I told her, I owned that this was second hand info and that she would need to use her judgement to decide what to do with it.
Our relationship has been strained ever since. They are now married and she seems very happy, and I’ve expressed genuine happiness for her happiness. But I continue to grieve this friendship. I wonder if I did the right thing, or if I should’ve just been supportive. Could she be shutting me out because he is abusive, or am I overthinking?
Added context: This friend struggled with self esteem. Also, I found out years later that someone else had heard the same info about her now husband, and she told her… they don’t talk anymore, either…
Tl; dr: Grieving loss of friendship after telling a friend I didn’t think dating her ex’s good friend quickly after break up was good idea, then subsequently having to tell her I’d heard this person was abusive to his ex. Presented info with sensitivity, but the relationship has been strained ever since. Looking for fresh perspectives so I might reflect and get some closer.
2 comments
You can’t force a closer friendship onto someone who doesn’t want it. I don’t think you were wrong to share your concerns about domestic abuse with your friend, especially since you stressed that it was second-hand information, and she could decide for herself what to do with it. She did.
About all you can do now is send her a casual text now and then, just to check in and remind her you’re alive. Tell her that you miss talking with her, and you’d love to get together for coffee if she’s available. You can add that you still think of her as a dear friend, and if she ever needs you for any reason, you are only a phone call away. If there’s any big news in your own life, you can share it with her – briefly. But you can’t help other people if they don’t want (or need) to be helped.
If she chose (and continues to choose) to take your well-intentioned warning the wrong way, there’s not much you can do about it. So let it go. All your worry about her situation isn’t helping her, and meanwhile it’s actively hurting you. Resolve to focus more on your other friendships, and on the things you have the personal power to change for the better. For now at least, this friend and her potentially abusive marriage are not among those things.
You did the right thing. Sometimes putting your friends safety before their feelings can lead to friendships being strained or ending.
I had a similar situation where right after high school I had a friend with bipolar disorder and schizophrenic tendencies come to own a stolen gun. He had me hold onto it while he moved. I told his dad about it because I legitimately thought he’d be at risk of something TERRIBLE happening and turned the gun over to the dad. We had a major falling out for years but eventually buried the hatchet and he got treatment for his disorder
All you can do is continue to be there for her and not disappear. That way if she does need someone you’re right there