Hey getting to know a borderline person, what to expect? I’ve already noticed some common characteristics and understand that there is trauma and they work a bit differently, anyone with experience in this? Advice?
She has a high sex drive but keep saying that I’m the only one she’s been with for 1or 2 years which I don’t really get since it’s fine whatever she did before me , honestly it bothers me more that she is lying about it since we have a pretty open and easy relationship where we talk about everything.
Once in the club, she felt “abandoned” since I was talking with other people and started flirting and touching with this guy the whole night, and completely ignored me, what to do here? We talked about it and agreed it was not smart, but is this something that will happen again?
Random question?
She puts perfume on the back of her knees, what does this mean?
Thanks in advance
49 comments
r/bpdlovedones for a sneak peak into your future if you decide to continue
This will be controversial to some but honestly if this is new and you aren’t super invested or attached just look elsewhere for a serious relationship…it’s not worth the extra hassle in your life if you don’t have to deal with it. No that won’t be the last time you will experience something like that…expect it to continue indefinitely which is why I’m saying if you are relatively new to it just bail now.
Everyone’s got their problems and issues. I think if you really like this person and are willing to put in some effort, there’s no harm in trying to make it work. I’d be much more concerned about the lying though.
The back of the knees is one of your body’s pulse points, where your blood pressure and body temperature are highest. Putting your perfume on these pulse points evaporates and aromatizes it better.
Dating a borderline woman is a great way to ruin your life. I don’t care how good the sex is… RUN
Block her and never speak to her again.
I was married to one for over a decade. As she got older it got worse and worse until I was a husk of a human and she drained me. Berated me daily, flirted with others. Screamed so loud the neighbors closed their windows…. then left me. It is not worth it. It will not get better.
Run as fast as you can bro.
whats a borderline woman?
Please go and get advice from a BPD subreddit, not here. There’s so much harmful misinformation that people like to spread because they’re bitter about their BPD ex. (We aren’t all liars, cheats, and abusers)
Me and my partner both have BPD and it’s the healthiest relationship I’ve been in, (or seen tbh) it works because we understand each other. If you want to make it work, you have to be willing to understand her. My BPD symptoms have majorly decreased since I’ve been in this relationship, that’s what happens when we get love and stability.
Would heavily advice against dating someone with bpd. Very high chance it’ll mess you up, and the relationship will be toxic. Plus all the lying, and higher chance of cheating.
BPD is one of the saddest personality disorders because they systematically ruin the lives of everyone in their sphere of influence. The worst part is they’re almost always acutely aware of the consequences of their actions, which only amplifies negative emotions.
It takes A LOT of therapy for BPD folks to live even remotely normal lives, and the danger of relapse never goes away.
Watch “*Fatal Attraction*” for a good preview of your future. Spoiler alert – start researching how to disappear (move, change phone numbers, shut down social media accounts, file restraining orders, etc.)
my mother is a borderline personality. Every man who ever came into her life left empty.
Depends where she’s at in her life. By the examples you’ve given she doesn’t sound like she’s actively working on it.
If you do continue to date her, consistency is important. For example: You can’t text her every morning and then randomly stop, or miss a few days.
This is rule #3. Proceed at your own peril.
Don’t
I (f) used to be very close friends with a woman with borderline. She would tell me about how she would cheat on her partners whenever she felt like they were abandoning her or that she was unwanted. She would say that it was because she’s borderline, and she is working on it trying to be better, but as long as I knew her she would still do it. I obviously was not okay with how she treated her boyfriends, but because she said it was because of her disorder I felt like it would be unfair to stop being her friend. In the end, after being friends for 2 years, she blocked me on everything for forgetting to text her back for a week. I really loved her as a friend but I would NOT have ever set her up with any of my friends and would not date a borderline person myself. From my experience it is used as an excuse and quickly followed up with “it isn’t an excuse just an explanation” but her behavior never changed over those years, and with many boyfriends.
R/bpdlovedones
I used to date a BPD person, worst part of my life. Lost years. Needed therapy after 1,5 years of being together.
**She felt “abandoned” since I was talking with other people.**
In my experience, Gigaleve, an untreated person with BPD (“pwBPD”) typically has two great fears, not just one. In addition to the abandonment fear, there also is a great fear of engulfment. The result is that she often will perceive you as being hurtful when you DO something and hurtful when you DON’T do it. In this way, you often are damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
This conundrum is due to the position of her two great fears — abandonment and engulfment — at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you often find yourself in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.
Your predicament is that the solution to calming her abandonment fear (drawing close and being intimate) is the very action that triggers her engulfment fear. Likewise, the solution to calming her engulfment fear (moving back away to give her breathing space) is the very action that triggers her abandonment fear.
Consequently, as you move close to comfort her and assure her of your love, you eventually will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she’s being suffocated and controlled by you. A pwBPD usually craves intimacy like nearly all other adults — but she cannot tolerate it for very long.
Because she has a weak sense of self-identity, she easily becomes very enmeshed in your strong personality during sustained periods of closeness and intimacy. This is why her sense of personal boundaries is so weak that she has difficulty seeing where HER feelings and problems stop and YOURS begin. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you often will find that you’ve started triggering her abandonment fear.
In my 15 years of experience with my BPD exW, I found that there is no midpoints solution (between “too close” and “too far away”) where you can safely stand to avoid triggering those two fears. Until a pwBPD learns how to better regulate her own emotions and tame her two fears, that Goldilocks position will not exist. This is why a relationship with an untreated pwBPD typically is characterized by a repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back.
GET OUT NOW!
I’m curious how you know that she’s a borderline? That would be surprising for someone with BPD to admit that they have it. Many psychiatrists won’t even treat them because most are unwilling to change and they often figure out how to manipulate the psychiatrist.
Source: was married to someone with BPD. It was a total nightmare and the scenarios that you describe sound like plenty that I experienced. Move on now!
Unless this person is really trying, which means going to therapy, working on herself etc. it’s definitely better for you to leave!!!!!!
>Once in the club, she felt “abandoned” since I was talking with other people and started flirting and touching with this guy the whole night, and completely ignored me, what to do here? We talked about it and agreed it was not smart, but is this something that will happen again?
Yes, you can be 100% certain this will happen again. She agreed it was not smart afterwards, but yet did it anyhow.. Why? Because you were not paying attention to her and she demanded attention. It was to make you jealous and to get the attention she wanted.
For a BPD, any attention is “good attention” in their minds. Doesn’t matter if you are angry with her or happy with her, the impact on her is the same, she is the focus of your attention.
Lying and manipulation are KEY, she will say and do whatever it takes to keep things going with you. You will die of the “Death by a Thousand Cuts”… Ground down as she is an emotional vampire just taking and taking from you.
As others have said.. Leave.. DO IT NOW before you are abused and drained. You will NEVER be able to satisfy someone with BPD.
If you LOVE drama… get ready for the ride of your life.
I’d STRONGLY advice you to exit, but if you decide not to i wish you the best of luck.
I have given legal and psychological referrals to enough men who have gone ahead and done this to be able to tell you not just NO but HELL NO!
BPD is on a spectrum. Some folks with BPD have high needs, others can manage.
If interested in a relationship, be prepared to: validate emotional states constantly. Be consistent. Set boundaries and keep those boundaries. Remind the person to use their self-care strategies. Have them reach out to support. Folks with BPD require a lot of emotional labour and can be confusing.
Also, find some support for yourself. Make sure that you have someone to talk to about your relationship.
If you feel like you can’t handle this level of responsibility without abandoning this person, don’t do it.
I have BPD but have recovered immensely over the past 15 years. People can get better and your life isn’t doomed if you choose this relationship.
Only if she’s in therapy! Otherwise it will be an emotional rollercoaster and you WILL suffer. Saying that as a borderliner.
As someone with BPD, reading a lot of these comments hurt so much and a LOT of you need to research and become more educated before demonizing us like that. However, I will agree that it all depends on where that specific person is on their journey or if they even care to go into recovery (aka meds and therapy) I used to live a very wild Rollercoaster of a life. After diagnosis and almost 2 years in therapy, my life is stable, and I’m independent. The only biggest flaw that I’ve struggled to get rid of are the insecurities from past relationships. So I need a lot of reassurance. I’ve also learned to communicate my feelings effectively (I’m sure I could keep practicing). But I have kept the same friends in my life for a very long time. If they care to work on themselves, it is worth it. We love hard and unconditionally. The person you’re talking about sounds like she uses extremely unhealthy and toxic ways of coping and has a lot to work on/learn. I will not lie when I say BPD can become toxic and abusive if not worked on by said individual. If THAT is the case, then I say leave. They are not ready for a stable relationship.
Don’t make excuses for the borderline and take her actions at face value. It’s not okay to lie or flirt with other people.
Google creating and enforcing boundaries. That’s what you need to visualize what you will not tolerate and have a list of escalations ready before leaving and moving on if these boundaries are continually disregarded.
In the process of divorcing my ex with BPD.
Nine years of emotional torture. Towards the end, some minor physical abuse.
Currently they are refusing to fill out divorce paperwork after harassing me to file first.
Please run.
As a reformed BPD person, I’d run. After working on myself heavily through therapy and shadow work, I had to apologize to so many people for the hell and games I put them through, intentionally and unintentionally. When healthy me started dating, I did not want anyone that acted remotely like I did because it’s too much. I dated a guy before I started working on myself and he was a mirror reflection of myself, and part of the reason I really ran to get help. It’s an emotional Rollercoaster ride with no safety belts on the bad parts. So the goods are good, but the bads are horrendous. Not worth it at all.
Some people get help but I’ve noticed a lot of people decide its going to be a personality trait for the rest of their lives.
1. You don’t need a second person to have a high sex drive, just the actual urge.
2. Back of the knees is a pulse point and generally good spot for fragrance. If wearing a swishy skirt or dress, I find the swishing helps it spread pleasantly.
3. As someone with BPD… unless she’s absolutely perfect for you, it’s probably best to cut this off asap. The sort of support she needs to be semi-stable can’t come from a partner, but her own efforts and therapy. Until she puts in the work, she’s almost definitely going to be getting jealous over things that seem insignificant to you, picking fights that don’t make much logical sense, and get you stuck in some variation of the “I hate you, don’t leave me” trap. If I was hearing my own behaviour at the worst of my mental illness in my early 20s on a forum like this, my advice would be the same fwiw. Some of the people in my life got treated like absolute garbage by me and they absolutely didn’t deserve that, but it’s nearly impossible to catch your own toxic behaviour until you’re forced to look at it from a distance for a while.
> anyone with experience in this?
Yep. I wont do it again. Cant even handle being friends. The hot/cold is maddening.
>honestly it bothers me more that she is lying about it
Why do u think shes lying?
>she felt “abandoned” since I was talking with other people
Did u include her or left her alone?
>is this something that will happen again?
Only can wait n see
Your neck, wrists, backs of knees, and other pulse points emit more heat than other parts of your body. And that heat actually activates and maximizes your perfume per google
Run
Flee.
>Once in the club, she felt “abandoned” since I was talking with other people and started flirting and touching with this guy the whole night, and completely ignored me, what to do here?
No excuse, You leave.
If you want anything of a career and or build up something solid in life, you should Not be with drama starters.
I know someone who has BPD and the things she has done to her poor boyfriend. Sometimes I think about him and think that he deserves better, after all the terrible things she put him through.
That said, I am wishing you the best as well, if you decide to stay with her.
I’ve dated a BPD before. My experience was horrible. I don’t know if it was because she’s a borderline or because it was just the way she was, but 100% would NOT recommend.
Easy. Spare yourself the heartache now. I promise you will be begging yourself that you had. I had one ex with BPD and I will never, ever, ever consider dating another person with that disorder again. The amount of pain and trauma inflicted is incomparable to any other person I have ever dated. I couldn’t trust someone for years after.
Anytime a woman is BPD or narcissistic – seriously, run like hell. It will *not* end well, and she’ll end up curb-stomping your heart with a smile on her face.
you’re assuming she’s lying with no proof and she flirts with guys when she feels unwanted so clearly your relationship is off to a great start!
I concur that she will cheat based off my experience with a girl friend that has bpd. It’ll be a couple months of lovebombing and then she’ll get bored and cheat. And if you forgive her, she’ll keep cheating. But if you break up with her she’ll start showing up to your place late at night after rebound fucking her old roster so you take her back. It was a wild thing to watch. If she didn’t cheat on the dude though, it’d just be a lot of random fights and she sometimes would hit them. We’re in our 20s and she started dating a teenager, that’s when I had to exit the shit show.
Keep in mind, this all happened while she was actively in therapy and taking meds.
The relationship I had with a BPD ex was the most important one of my life, because it was THE WORST.
After that, I found out everything I would never accept in a relationship ever again.
See, the thing with mental health issues is that the person herself has to WANT to get better and actually WALK THE LENGTH AND TAKE STEPS to get better.
*Mental health issues might be explanations, but are NEVER excuses.*
Nobody has to put up with your troubles, let alone be guilt-tripped into accepting unacceptable behavior.
If someone does something (be it being overly jealous, invading you privacy, cheating, whatever) and blames it on their condition, that is a red flag to walk away right there.
Take responsibility. Do what you can to get better. Don’t think or expect that others have to put up with your crap while you stay comfy blaming everything on your condition.
Hey there. I’m borderline.
This behavior will continue as long as they are not seeking therapy and working on truly healing their issues. They need to take fault for their behavior and want to change it, not make excuses.
I learned this after years of denial and losing the love of my life due to choices while avoiding fixing my mental health issues.
It seems she’s given you plenty of red flags already, if she’s already making excuses, save your heart and move on.
Speaking from first hand experience, don’t walk SPRINT away
I mean, if you ask people in /r/BPDlovedones, BPD people are extremely difficult to be in relationships with.
However, I know for a fact that BPD people can change and improve their condition if they work hard in therapy. The real question is whether this borderline woman you want to date has done that or not.
Hello borderline here! I just want to chime in and say that as with everything in life, we’re all different. We may all have the diagnosis of BPD, but we’re still individuals on our own journey. Many of us have had years of therapy and you wouldn’t guess we even had it, some of us don’t go to therapy and it can be all consuming.
Please don’t paint us all by the same brush. If there’s things she’s doing that make you feel uncomfortable, communicate this with her. Very often we’re demonised as these horrific manipulative people and it’s harmful. I think it’s important that no matter who you are dating or their diagnosis/lack of, look out for yourself. Don’t accept things that negatively affect you and your life, speak up for yourself.
Just don’t honestly.
Bro in what shit hole are you throwing yourself into
Most often times people with BPD are in need of constant reassurance. They’re very honest but can be quick to assume the worst so communication is super crucial, like if you work late and you get caught up with stuff communicating that is important.
BPD isn’t the end of the world to have, but it’s a lot of work to maintain and most of that work falls with the person who has it.
If you really like this person, and I mean outside of the sex part, ask if they have a therapist or someone they talk to. Do they have coping skills in case you’re too far away to help them?
Also you’ll probably get asked to become a couple very early on, sometimes BPD people can be open to different forms of relationships if you communicate that.
Most people I know with BPD are very cool, but need a lot of support and love. Big risk big reward.
You’ve described a person with borderline personality disorder perfectly. Her actions, she’s not able to stop. It’s a legitimate medical condition.
About the best you could do is enjoy the sex and duck when something gets thrown at you. Anything long-term would likely destroy you.
Don’t date someone with BPD unless they went to therapy and have it under control. It’s a huge shit show of cheating and lies and it’s not worth it.