Hi, I 25m recently moved to the US for work, I’m from Italy. I really don’t get some of the things. I’m dating this girl which now I don’t know if I want continue to see her. After almost three months of dating she told me she wanted to be exclusive. I didn’t understand what she meant and she said people in the US usually at some point “go exclusive” and don’t see other people. It caught me by surprise because back in Italy normally when you start dating someone you don’t date other people. If you want to see other people as well you say it explicitly.
So it turned out she was casually dating 2 other guys and she said it’s no big deal because it’s how it works here in the US and if I wanted to be exclusive I should have said it. I’m confused but maybe I just have to get used to it. Is this how it works here? So if I date a girl I have to specify I want us to be exclusive? Is it weird if I want to be exclusive since the first date?
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Yes, that’s how it works here. I’m from Japan and I was surprised, too.
Unfortunately yes that’s how they do it in the US. I am a European living in America and I have never been able to wrap my head around this style of “dating”, which to me is open cheating. The good news is that there are still people out there who haven’t bought into this “modern” way to date, you just have to search for them and be straight forward even before you meet in person that you do not multidate, and that you prefer to date one person at a time. If they have a problem with it, oh well, just keep searching. It worked for me, I was able to meet many like-minded people. You will be sometimes accused of being too clingy, possessive, insecure etc for wanting exclusivity from the start – don’t pay any attention to those, it is not a reflection on you, it’s just the way they’ve been taught.
Don’t give up your values just to match the American ones, it’s not worth it in the end.
You can thank online dating for that
>So if I date a girl I have to specify I want us to be exclusive?
Because going on a date doesn’t mean you’re a couple.
Until you actually communicate your desire to be a couple (which is considered going “exclusive”), then it’s typically not considered official.
Consent and communication are the keys points here.
Talk about the cultural difference early on next time now that you know. Not everyone dates like this at all, but people who don’t may still be offended that you want to control what a stranger does with their free time.
I get that it’s considered normal where you’re from but I think a lot of our dating style comes from the 1950’s US culture and before where going on dates with multiple people was very normal until you were “going steady” (now going exclusive) with one person. It’s old fashioned and not part of some new standard.
The sexual revolution of the ’60s freed more people to explore intimacy with multiple people shamelessly in the dating phase but there’s a lot of variance on this even today. The US is filled with a lot of different cultures so it also depends on what region you moved to, the majority religion, and all the minority cultures and practices. In some places it’s forbidden to kiss before marriage and in others it’s taboo to wait for marriage to have sex or live together because marriage is more an affirmation of an existing lifetime committed relationship.
Ask people their opinions and cultural background on these topics and listen. Make your first dates about getting to know someone like this and keep your hands to yourself until you have a better idea of their modesty.
Dont assume anything in dating.
Two people, one gesture, four different reactions.
Communication is key
That’s the sad reality of Americans… I have live here for 13 years and still can’t comprehend this toxic culture. I don’t even date anyone anymore, some people don’t even take marriage as a big deal and still want to do the open relationship during marriage or are some crappy that mention it until you are already marriage. Completely disgusting
Yeah there’s a huge hook up/casual dating culture here. If you want to be exclusive with someone you need to make it clear what your intentions are up front. It’s not weird to want to be exclusive on the first date, but people also see dating as a numbers game. They are usually seeing multiple people at once until this discussion, though they often have favorites.
I hate this culture of cheating!
I’d say the norm here is as she said. Until you have the “exclusive talk” you aren’t exclusive. That said, if you want to be exclusive from day one then there is no harm in saying that. There are plenty of people here who would appreciate that. Just don’t expect exclusivity unless you have that conversation.
Exclusive dating right at the beginning was how dating was back in my day (I’m early 40s). This dating multiple people started with the rise dating apps.
Dont settle for her. She’s technically right BUT also gaslighting you and lying to you instead of apologizing, which is a major red flag.
You’re foreign / italian, you have your pick of USA women
There are some people that have the same mindset as you but its something you may need to clarify early on. Not everyone here is like that but many are.
That is definitely NOT how it works for most people. It’s only how it works for a small amount of people. Especially after 3 mths!
She’s gaslighting you bro.
Anyway. You were going to breakup with her anyway. So this is just another reason to get that done.
Yeah you have to establish exclusivity. Yeah it’s weird to want to be exclusive after one date in the US. It’s common to have a few people you see and then maybe like 5-7 dates establish that you want to be exclusive. This could mean gf/bf or this could just mean don’t date anyone else until we figure out if we want to take the next step
On the bright side she chose you over the other 2 guys. On the not so bright side she probably had 3 dick appointments lined up in the same week.
Yes you generally have to state it explicitly (unless somehow it becomes apparent to both of you that you aren’t seeing other people). This is especially the case if you meet on a dating site. If a profile is still up it is understood that they may be dating other people.
Yea, they are just weird like that in the U.S. They make everything more complicated than it needs to be. You’ll learn with time, don’t worry too much. Hang in there.
Sounds like I’m in the wrong country, I much prefer Italian dating
That’s how it works, but lots of people also don’t like to operate that way.
The rule in the US is that it’s only exclusive when both parties agree it’s exclusive. That part is true. But since lots of people (me included) dislike dating more than one person at a time I often have the exclusivity talk fairly early in a “relationship”. Basically, if I like her and we make it to the third date, I’m talking about being exclusive.
Lots of people are not OK with being exclusive that early, but I know that for a relationship to work for me, we need to be exclusive. So those are just not the right people for me.
Find the girl who wants to create a TikTok all about how quirky you are for being Italian
It’s been that way for a while. When my grandma met my grandpa, she was already dating two other men. After their first date, she broke it off with the other two guys, since she knew she had met the man she was going to marry. They have now been married nearly 70 years!
For me, it makes perfect sense. Dating is all about getting to know people and finding if you’re compatible. It’s tough to find out if you’re compatible in just two dates or so, so it is good to date others as well, to find the person who’s right for you.
Although, personally, three months sounds like a long time, with my ex-girlfriend, we established exclusivity after 2-3 dates, and then decided on boyfriend-girlfriend a few dates after that.
Yes, unfortunately you do have to talk about being exclusive with someone. But you can do that after the first date if you’re comfortable. There are still plenty of people who only date one person at a time. I’ve been “exclusive” with a guy since our first date about two months ago.
Note that you also have to explicitly “define the relationship” before you call each other “boyfriend/girlfriend,” which usually happens sometime later, once you get to know each other better. Usually around 3-6 months, but sometimes earlier or later depending on the situation.
Man, I hope you make good money in the US, otherwise I do not see the point you staying there; the quality of women in the US is average at best.
It’s all made up here. We have no culture. Monkey see Monkey do’s is what we have. We replicate almost everything that comes from Hollyweird, including tv shows. Follow your heart and your clear mind.
I hate how messed up my country is. If a girl tries to be “exclusive” that’s a instant “Hell no. Goodbye forever.”
yup, dating in usa is like dating morons, you have tu explicitly say everything or they can use the excuse of “you didnt say anything, so all is valid”, very weird dating culture for sure.
Oh buddy, I hate to break it to you, but single women just don’t exist anymore. It’s a myth like the Loch Ness Monster, the tooth fairy, and the government caring about us
Dating is fucked over here.
This is becoming more normalized, but it’s still kinda somewhere in between. Because of the increase in online dating, though, so many people see dating as a free for all.
The way I do it is, if I’m dating, I may date more than one person at once. But that’s reaaaaally early stages. And only if I don’t get the vibe that the person thinks they’re monogamously dating me. Basically if it’s super casual, just meeting people, then I may date more than one. But if it’s someone I already established a deep emotional bond with, I’m only dating them. And I don’t really wanna date more than one person if I developed that bond. Back when I was on tinder, I’d sometimes date 2 or 3 different people a week, but we were all on tinder. There was no relationship vibes yet. But with my ex, we had been talking for months before our first date, and had been exclusive before we even started dating 😂 I would have felt like I was cheating on her if I had seen someone else while just talking to her like that. So I guess it depends?
I learned that I definitely prefer just finding one person I’m really interested in before even dating them, like my ex.
That’s how it works. Anyone can date anyone until exclusivity has been mutually established.
Prepare yourself. Some people believe they are single until married.
Save ur money it’s just not worth it here
I swear. I wish I knew how people dated here as well because I clearly didn’t get the memo
There are two schools of dating:
One at a time
Multiple partners
The schools are not compatible, and you should find out which one you’re dating early on.
I’ve been around enough to know that “casually dating 2-3 people” is not normal. Anyone that’s actually serious about finding a real relationship doesn’t do that. I would stay away from anyone with that sort of attitude towards dating.
Your experience will be tm drastically different based on where in the USA you are. The south, west coast, northeast, and Midwest are completely different cultures that impact the dating scene
In the USA you really do have to lock down a partner by communicating you’re exclusive. Like why leave any room for misinterpretation? Just communicate. Obviously she knew what she was doing was mean to you but maybe she thought you were doing the same and plus.. she had plausible deniability about it being mean since you never talked about it. Therefore, she could of made a jump to someone she desired more without the threat of not having you as backup.
And even if you’re someone’s backup at first, doesn’t mean you should of been.. and usually your partner will realize that and it’ll be all good in the hood. American women like it when a man is deliberate in their intentions to be exclusive. It’s like the security they need to feel comfortable
Reading this thread makes dating in the US sound exhausting
Best thing that could have happened to you. Unfortunately lots of people are like that and you can’t do anything but find someone else. Good luck with your journey bro. 🤙
I think the exclusive thing goes way back to American dating trends of the mid 20th century, where it was considered important for young people – this was teens though, mainly – to date casually until they decided on “going steady” with one person. It was from the era where you would probably end up marrying a person you dated seriously so crucial to go play around a bit first!
So that explains a lot of posts I’ve been reading that i found confusing. To me, dating, as in going out with somebody, is already a first step into boyfriend/girlfriend territory. Not really the best moment to learn your potential partner is still fooling around with other people, in my opinion.
Exactly, and here in the U S it used to be the same. But people here have stopped believing in themselves and their own ability to make their own decisions so they let others tell them how to act, what to do and think.
They listen to peers who are all into casual sex and multidating. They just have no sense of propriety or self respect.
They use the concept of exclusivity to be able to cheat and say it doesn’t count as cheating because we weren’t exclusive. They do the very same thing with taking a break. It wasn’t cheating because we were on a break. As if cheating is not a visceral or physical thing? But some sort abstract personal definition.
It isn’t specifically your gf’s fault, she didn’t just come up with this stuff all on her own, but as well she should be thinking for herself. And I don’t know her, maybe she doesn’t actually believe in multidating or casual sex, for that matter. And she is just trying to hedge her bets and get you both on to the same page and in agreement.
Bro trying to find girlfriend on the worst part of this planet 🤣 bring gf from Italy, you”ll be happier.
Americans are ruining relationships and people are following suit sadly.
Wait until you are married in the US and find out your wife of 13 years has 179 online boyfriends. Welcome to hell.
Its dumb in the USA
Yes, it’s normal here for people to potentially be dating someone else until you have the exclusive talk. However, not every guy or girl is dating multiple people. Some just date one at a time until they find someone they want to pursue a relationship with.