Am I being controlling or is this out of line?

30 comments

1. I don’t think you are out of line. If you are having significant financial trouble that is a good enough reason to not attend a trip like that, let alone with you being 7 months pregnant.

2. We are all due our own space and time to be our own people.

   This though, every part of it is wrong. He needs to be supporting you as a parent and husband, not at some music event where he can’t even find out if you’re having a medical emergency.

3. He should be with you. No question. Should be more concerned about his family and their future.

4. I think you have every reason to be concerned. I don’t know the intimate details of your financial situation and I don’t know what the finances on this trip look like, but I would be concerned.

   More importantly, I would be concerned about leaving my 7 mo pregnant wife alone with a 2 yo and no easy way to get in contact. I’m hoping that you have a good support network nearby if he does go on the trip.

5. You aren’t being controlling. You’re ranking life’s priorities and working on the issues. Apparently, he is not.

6. I personally wouldn’t be okay with this. I think some people might but my 41 year old husband being around a bunch of naked women in their 20s wouldn’t fly in our marriage. I get him wanting to spend time with his buddies and he should be if you guys are in debt and about to welcome baby #2 it would be a no go. He can go if he wants cuz he’s an adult and you can’t control his actions but it be a major problem for us. You should see if his work (or yours) has some free counseling (most do) and talk to a marriage counselor and get their input.

7. His priorities are wrong.

8. Financial strain trumps most things for me so he better be working extra hard to pay for everything as well as pulling his weight at home

9. Nah dude not the right time in regards to your pregnancy and nearing your due date, financially, and because you’re taking care of another kid while probably stressed and uncomfortable af thanks to your third trimester. He has the rest of his life to go to a music festival but I think this is probably the worst timing eveeeeer lol

   Like going somewhere with no cell service right now is irresponsible as hell. I’m upset I didn’t even get a honeymoon thanks to COVID and had to cancel all our plans to a romantic Greek island but we are aware we will go when we are financially able to do so. so it sucks he is faced with the disappointment of not going, but he will survive just like the rest of us. If he still wants to go, you can’t stop him, but like damn that would make me resentful.

10. He can’t afford it plus this is absolutely not the time to abandon his family.

    Agreed, it’s out of line.

11. While I think trips are okay I think you have the right to put your foot down on this one. The fact that you are financially struggling it is highly irresponsible of him to take the trip. To top it off you are pregnant with a toddler at home. When my wife was pregnant with our second she was absolutely exhausted and I did almost all of the childcare after work. I can’t imagine leaving her at that time.

12. It’s very selfish. Fair enough people should be allowed some alone time but family comes first. You’re in a time of need and he’s ditching your needs for his own to attend a music festival. That’s wrong imo

13. You could have your baby ANY TIME! You are have financial troubles. He’s being a selfish asshole for prioritizing this event over his family. There are a million other more responsible things he could do that still allow him to “go out” or “get away”. Going 10 hours way with no cell service for days when your wife is in the third trimester is just, well, divorce worthy in my book.

14. Time for your husband to grow up.

15. If you weren’t in such financial strain, I would say that it would be okay as long as you were okay with the situation. That being said though, he should sit this one out. I understand that he’s been missing out due to covid, but sometimes as a parent, or adult in general, you have to make more rational decisions in life. This is just one of those times where he’s going to have to see the bigger picture, and put it on a shelf for now until it’s more appropriate to shell out the cash for that.

16. When this came up for us, my response to my husband has been to negotiate a reasonable budget together (and often come to the conclusion that it wasn’t a good time financially). The second part is that if he’s going away for an extended period of time for something not work-related (in our home it’s hunting trips), then he’s responsible for finding some child-care support for me, so I get a bit of respite.

    Having kids means changing expectations and putting some things on hold for a few years. Sounds like he hasn’t come to terms with that yet.

17. You two can’t afford it – and that trumps any other reason to not be able to go. The other reasons (being late in pregnancy, 2 y/o, no cell service, etc.) are also valid reasons. You should not spend money you don’t have, and most definitely should not spend money you don’t have for a music festival camping trip.

    Assuming the festival is a regular event, he can save up the money to go when the two of you are not in serious debt and expecting a baby. This is what a fiscally responsible adult should do.

18. He’s definitely being selfish. I can understand wanting to have a bit of a break before another sleepless year of raising a newborn, but he needs some perspective on the reality of your situation. I considered making a similar trip for a football game when my wife was about 6-7mo pregnant. Covid struck which ruined those plans anyway, but as she got further along in her pregnancy I realized that I didn’t ever want to do it anymore anyway because I didn’t want to leave her side for more than a day. Ask him how you two can compromise so he can still get a brief relief of duties before kicking it into an extra gear.

19. Can you guys reasonably afford it? No. You say you’re about to be in serious debt, and you can’t afford a babymoon. Why is his solo trip more important than spending time together away as a little family of 3 (ahead of the baby)?

    Is there cell signal in case of emergency? No.

    Are you seven months pregnant at that time, and can you reasonably anticipate any help you may need by then or any issues that may pop up, health-wise? No.

    Do you feel as though you can trust him with a clothing optional creek at the festival? Sounds like no.

    He’s being selfish and acting single. He may have been looking forward to it for years, but then he should have considered the circumstances and not had children with you yet. He’s thinking of just himself here, disregarding you and your needs, as well as your needs as a family.

    If you could afford the trip + a babymoon, had family who would actually help while he’s away, and weren’t 7 months pregnant at that point, I’d think otherwise.

20. There are a lot of things I always looked forward to doing when I was younger, single and childfree. However, most of the things that were appropriate when I was younger, single and childfree could ever become a priority over my husband, my kids, and my financial responsibilities. You are not wrong and your husband is being very selfish and inappropriate.

21. No you aren’t for a number of reasons. Being that far away from a pregnant woman, no way to get in contact in case of emergency with a 2 year old as well is just irresponsible. And I’m not even going to get into the financial aspects. He has a child already. Unless he wants to act like a child, he has to knows that kids are expensive.

    I totally get that COVID put a lot of people’s lives on hold, but an impending birth is a big thing. The child is only gonna be born once. Unless this is a completely shitty music festival that isn’t worth repeating, then there will be another one.

    Just my thoughts as a father of two.

22. Its not unreasonable. You’re 7 months pregnant and he’ll be out of reach for 5 days. That alone should be enough to reconsider the plan.

    Depending on how/when tickets and other stuff was purchased, he might not be able to get any or much back unless the other guys are willing to buy him out of his share of things/they can find someone to replace him.

    You’re absolutely entitled to feel uncomfortable about the clothing optional creek, but that sounds to me like a different conversation than “We can’t afford this and I need you at least reachable in an emergency”

23. Dude needs to grow up.

24. Him spending time with friends isn’t the issue in my opinion, it’s him taking such an expensive trip when you guys are not doing well financially AND you will be in the 3rd trimester of pregnancy.

    I’m pregnant right now (6 months) and there’s no way my husband would travel that far away for that long with no cell service.

    He sounds like he’s being really selfish. I’ve been looking forward to a lot of things that got canceled due to COVID, but we are feeling the strain of a couple years of increased prices and now with a daycare bill at the end of the year, and so we are buckling down on finances and giving up on the idea of all the things we were going to do when COVID let up.

25. As a husband who can admittedly be a selfish ass at times, there NO WAY IN HELL I would even consider it. That’s some serious ‘I’m ignoring my responsibilities so I can go have a good time’ mentality.

    7 months pregnant means you need every bit of support you can get.

    Finances are tight which means ‘you don’t get to do things, and you get to be ok with that’

    You are NOT being controlling in the slightest.

26. When was the last time he went on a trip by himself?

    If he’s constantly going out and doing things solo – I can totally get the objections.

    But if he hasn’t had a single break for three years and probably won’t get another one for two years after your next is born. I think expecting your partner to constantly be available for 5-6 years straight without time off is a bit much. This would apply to you too OP. When was the last time you did something solo without the kids and husband?

    My biggest objection would be the 5 days away with a 10 hour drive. I think a guys trip over a weekend somewhere closer would be more reasonable; and he should be organizing the additional childcare to make it happen.

27. OP, I think the vast majority of responses have already confirmed that you are not crazy. This is wrong.

    So I just want to send you a real big and warm hug from an internet stranger. What you have been going through must be really hard. You deserve a really hard hug.

    I hope your husband gets wise.

28. $100 concert tickets for an evening for his fav band? Fine.
    A (free) overnight hiking camping trip with a few buddies. Okay.
    This? No way. Over the top indulgent and selfish

29. I can’t imagine ever doing this to my wife. Not because I’m afraid of the consequences (I AM). But, because I can’t imagine sidelining her like that. To be fair, I’ve been on my fair share of fishing, hunting and camping trips, but it was always with a yard pass and me going out of my way to make sure she had everything she needed for the weekend (including a babysitter so she could go out with her friends). The live music thing is something we do exclusively together, so if I ever went to any concert without her, I would literally be dead.

30. You are not controlling. You are raising a very real concern that he has not adequately answered to put your mind at ease. He has a responsibility to you and your children but thinks that he can do as he pleases, when he pleases, like any teenager. He seems very entitled for someone with financial issues. He needs to step up as a father and husband.