Posting from a throwaway account. My boyfriend and I have been together for just under two years. We live in the same area and see each-other a few times a week. He lives with both of his parents and works from home most of the time. I live alone and support myself fully financially. A few months ago I asked if he wanted to move in with me, which he declined and felt it was too soon and my place was too small (1 bedroom flat). I told him I understood and it was okay but I felt quite rejected. Since then, I feel like this has caused a rift in the relationship on my part, and I get really upset and bring it up occasionally – which seems to just make him feel terribly guilty and upset for feeling this way. Him not being ready makes me feel like I’m way more invested, and I’m trying so hard not to take it personally. I see friends who are couples living together and I just get so upset.
He says the thought overwhelms him and he is really worried about us living together for no other reason than he just does not feel ready. He has never been in a relationship as long as this, or lived with anyone romantically and I’m trying to be understanding but I can’t really cope and am doubting everything. Am I overreacting? Is it normal to not be ready for this at this stage? I was only in in one long-term relationship before this , but my ex was super intense, toxic and controlling. I feel like this is the opposite problem.
Our relationship is strong, healthy and we rarely fight. He likes his space and I respect this and we spend around 2/3 nights/days a week together. He spends every weekend with me and we have fun. He is kind to me and I’m just so lost as to how to deal with this and be an understanding kind girlfriend. Sometimes I feel like I’m wasting my time needing something he might never be ready for. He sees no need for us to move on from our current arrangement right now because we live so close. He does not want to rent a bigger place together due to high costs in our area and I’m a little reluctant to leave my place anyway (but I would compromise if he wanted to)
I just need some advice. He’s not a bad guy, so lovely, supportive – it’s just this! I can’t wrap my head around it and I don’t want to let myself feel excited about a future together anymore – which is getting me down. Any advice? I don’t want to force him into this with an ultimatum of course, but I’m struggling to accept it a little, but don’t want to end our good relationship either.
TL;DR: Boyfriend of two years doesn’t want to live together and isn’t ready. Should I give up on this if it’s not something he wants right now?
9 comments
Living together is a big move for some people. They have to leave where they last lived, and if anything goes wrong with relationship, it’s a pain to move out and then find somewhere to live again.
I think two years personally is a tad fast to be moving in. If someone isn’t already open to roommates, people should move in together specifically when they know that they will likely be long term, life partners or marry. Otherwise, the relationship could end in a few months and you’ll have to move back out.
Have you talked to him about what moving in would mean for the two of you? Have you talked about your future to see if you both have the same plans and timeline? Ask him at what point does he think he will be ready. I think discussing those is more or as important to guage commitment.
If you do move in together, it is probably best you both get a new and larger place. Too many relationships go sour when there isn’t enough space.
Honestly, I think you’re overreacting. You asked him to do something major and he was honest with you about his feelings. Not being ready is a very valid reason to not do something, and I think you making him feel guilty about it will only add more tension to the relationship.
He’s doing exactly what you’d hope a mature partner would do- being honest with you. You’re likely feeling rejected, abandoned, not good enough, etc. because of his decision and projecting your feelings back on him. My advice is to I try and adjust your mindset so you focus on the positives. You have a partner that is thinking before making large decisions and being honest about how he feels. Those are great things!
You’ve been together for two years and he thinks it’s too soon? Could be a number of things at play here:
– He’s content and doesn’t accept change well. It’s worth asking if this has any weight in his decision process.
– He could be afraid of losing his “alone” time. If you explain to him that you understand the value of alone time and work something out, then that shouldn’t be an issue.
– He could be financially insecure. He is 28 and lives with his parents (This is not an attack) and is afraid that he won’t hold his finances as well as you since you are self sufficient. This could be a real struggle with people.
– Many other reasons, but these first come to mind.
I would caution getting too into your head on questioning his commitment if you have not had a more serious conversation about what you’re life goals are. I would certainly start there and then revisit these feelings you are having.
This isn’t holistic advice, but hopefully it will give you a spring-board for more in depth conversations.
Best of luck!
Did he make any counter offer like “let’s revisit this next year”? Or “I think I might like us to live together in the future, but right now feels too soon?”
Did you talk about what would help him feel ready?
Or does he plan to live with his family for the rest of his life? And I’m not trying to be funny with that last statement, it’s just that a 28 year old living with his parents telling me that 2 years of dating is too soon, would have me wondering if he ever considers moving out at all? Is he paying rent there? Is he contributing to the household? I would be concerned that maybe he’s worried that he would be expected to pull his weight and doesn’t know how that would work? I’m not saying that you should rush him or dump him, but it does concern me that there was no encouraging counter from him.
Has your bf EVER lived independently?
Meaning, has he ever been completely responsible for paying his own bills, keeping his home clean and tidy, doing his own shopping and cooking, handling his laundry, arranging his own insurance and medical care?
If he has no experience handling normal adult tasks, and his parents are still taking care of everything like they did when he was 16, you are taking a huge risk asking him to move into your home.
This may be why he doesn’t want to move. He is very comfortable where he is. His parents may actually be discouraging him from leaving by warning him he’ll have to learn to wash dishes and run a vacuum and scrub a toilet.
I know some people have a different perspective here but personally, 28 and living at home when you have the means to not live with your parents is weird to me. It would be a dealbreaker for me honestly.
It’s good that he’s being honest with you and taking his time, although it’s a bit concerning he still lives at home.
Give him time, but respect your needs. Give yourself a mental timeline (maybe by x age you want to live together) and revist the conversation later, maybe in another few months or a year. If after a couple revisits he’s still not budging then maybe it’s time to leave.
I’m 40. My notes to my 24yo self would include chilling out and not trying to rush into living together and marriage. All that agonizing over will-he-ask-me and where-is-this-relationship-headed…it wasn’t based on anything but social pressures.
I’m still with the guy I was with at 24. We’re married, have a house, a kid, dogs, the works.
And I swear, I really wished I hadn’t taken all that independence for granted, because I just want to be left alone sometimes!
I mean, you feel how you feel but my advice to you is to just let it happen. Don’t force it. What will be will be.
You’ve only been together 2 years. Not everybody needs to move in together this soon. My wife and I didn’t live together before we were married. Not something that I recommend doing. But maybe you should wait till you’re engaged if the relationship goes that far. Or if you decide to move out of his house.