I was venting to my therapist a few weeks ago about how I cannot stand how my MIL constantly asks my husband and I for money. I cited how my own mother has told me she will never ask me for money and never has.
My therapist asked if there was a cultural difference between our families and yes, his family is multigenerational Americans, my family is first generation immigrants.
Is this really a thing with American families? I find it shocking.
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> Is this really a thing with American families?
No more so than anywhere else.
> I find it shocking.
Ok
I mean, my parents have never asked me or my immediate family for money, however none of us are hurting for money. I can imagine that if she’s in need for money, the first logical place to find it in her mind is her children. It’s not uniquely American by any means.
Never experienced it personally, though I’m sure it does happen to some. There are also some cultures seen outside the US where they don’t have to ask because it’s *expected* that the kids will help their parents out. So it’s certainly not uniquely American
This can vary a lot, I don’t think it’s necessarily a cultural aspect of American families. I’ve personally given my mother large amounts of money because she’s an old widow who needs help sometimes. If someone has the means, what’s wrong with helping your parents after they helped you for so many years?
I mean not typically.
Because this dynamic doesn’t pan out often, but I’d say it’s not unusual for a poor family who has a successful member grow out of poverty, to then mooch or try to mooch off of the successful member.
Like if you look at parents of child stars, or parents of some rappers, etc.
So, in many other cultures it is expected that the parents will live with their children when they are older, so I find it hard to believe you are shocked that a person might ask a family member for assistance… but no, parents constantly asking their adult children for money is not an American cultural thing.
One instance of something does not mean that should be projected across a population of a third of a billion people.
I find it shocking that you’re shocked. Many other cultures have older generations that live with the younger generation once they are successful in a career. It’s not really an American culture thing for parents to ask their children for money even though it does happen. I’m really also surprised that your therapist asked that question. It seems rather culturally insensitive for a therapist to ask.
You are right. It would be much better if she moved in with you.
This is not the norm. In the US, we would call this a “you” problem.
I basically support my MIL but I think the opposite tends to be true on average.
My MIL has nothing more than a small Social Security check. She lived with us when we first moved back to Long Island but I couldn’t take that, got her an apartment, and pay for pretty much all of her expenses too. There’s absolutely no societal pressure on me to do that though. My wife and I have high enough incomes where it’s not really affecting our standard of living.
There are plenty of countries where there would be tremendous pressure for children to take care of destitute parents though. If anything the general complaint from first generation immigrations from much of the world is “you just put them in a home?!?”.
I genuinely believe my old man would rather eat rusty nails than ask me for one red cent. It’s a pride/individualism thing, doesn’t even accept when I offer.
So no, I don’t think that’s an “American culture” thing at all. That’s just your mil.
If anything quite the opposite.
If you are living in her house I can totally understand it to help with expenses.
It can depend a lot. My parents would never ask me for money, but they’re doing a lot better than I am lol. My parents did loan my mom’s parents some money either before I was born or when I was very young. Idk how much, what it was for, or how it came up, whether my grandparents asked or my parents offered, but I know it happened. It wasn’t a frequent thing, it was a one time occasion of some seemingly significant amount-enough that they expected to be paid back. All are born and raised in the US, with no ties to their ancestral cultures.
Edit: actually, they loaned my dad’s parents money too. I remember my mom bitching about her parents, that they loaned both sides of parents money and my dad’s parents paid it back with interest (without being asked), but they had to go after my mom’s parents to even get the initial amount back and it was a fight.
By and large, no, but some do. This happens all over the world, not just America. It’s not common, but it’s not unheard of.
I think the general trend goes the opposite way that you’re describing. Americans are expected to support themselves, and by the time you’re older and in retirement age, it would be considered shameful to have to ask your adult kids for support. Grandparents buy the grandkids toys. If your family goes out to dinner with your parents, your parents usually offer to pick up the check.
The trope is that there’s often tension between an American born person and their immigrant spouse about the immigrant spouse wanting to move her parents in, or send her parents money.
I’m married to an immigrant, and we don’t have tension to that degree, but she gets very uncomfortable when like my mom pays for the beach house for a family vacation or sends us cash for our birthdays. She feels like WE’RE supposed to be doing those things for my mom, because that’s how it works where she’s from. Children are their parents retirement plan. But here, older people are the ones that typically have the money and want to help the younger family.
This is not the usual, but it’s not unheard of. And it’s not just an American thing — it depends on the culture.
It’s only a thing when people make it a thing. My parents never ask me for money.
Sometimes people can find themselves in need. Even parents. Sometimes people are just mooches. It’s not an American thing. It’s a human thing.
my mom has a lot more money than me but I would help her out if our situations were reversed and she needed money, absolutely.
Going through the comments and your replies as a multigenerational American it feels like the problem is your MIL
Most people don’t. I mean, as far as family dynamics go, I think American families ask very little of their kids.
Many cultures expect the children to live with them, take care of them, etc.
What is their heritage? Just because someone lives in the US, doesn’t mean they have shed all aspects of their culture.
My parents never asked me for money. Their parents never asked them for money.
That’s a bit absurd. I mean if it happened, I would help them out, but my dad had a decent career and has a solid retirement payout.
My parents have never asked any of my siblings for money but I’d give them any amount that wouldn’t impoverish my family if they did ever ask.
I know my ex wife had given money to her mom but her mom has also given her money.
A lot of Americans just generally care for family members but I don’t think that’s unique to the US.
Hopefully I never have to ask my kids for anything.
My mom doesn’t ask me for money but I send her money regularly because she’s a widow without a lot of resources right now and has cancer
It’s not cultural, it’s need based. People of all cultures when they are poor will ask family for money Better off people will not. It’s not an American thing.
My spouse’s parents ask is for money regularly because they are poor where as mine are well off and don’t. Both are equally American
Not good parents
I mean it does happen but I don’t think it’s strictly American. My kids are little but in a pinch I might ask them for 2 dollars, my parents have asked me for money, they asked their parents for money BUT usually it was for something unexpected like a medical situation or someone died and money was needed for flights and rooms.
Sure, some do, but that happens everywhere. The difference seems to be that in the US, a small number of parents ask for money, whereas in some other countries/cultures, adult children give their parents money as a matter of course.
Ask for money? No.
If you’re say, a fresh college grad living at home with your parents, definitely chip in to help with the expenses.
Those with no pride. A child might give a parent money in extremis without opprobrium, but the other way around is a profound life defeat.
Yep. My dad probably makes 3x my salary and has still asked for money multiple times.
In my experience it’s usually only if the parents are deadbeats or have been losers their entire life.
I have a few friends who have parents that were mostly absent and/or were addicted to something or other most of their lives and it was very early on The Talk came: “My mom/dad is fucking crazy, do not give them money, don’t leave them alone with your belongings, etc. I am being serious here, did you hear me?”
Very common in South Asian and East Asian cultures, but definitely not a uniquely common thing in the USA. My parents have never and would never ask me for money.
No. My parents nor my husband’s parents have ever asked us for money, and anytime we have tried to pay for something or give them money for something they have refused.
I’ve always associated children helping their parents financially with immigrant or non-US families. My parent and my in-laws would rather bleed to death on the street than ask a child for money. It would go against their values of self sufficiency, self reliance, never taking handouts from others, never needing others, etc.
Not that I’m aware of.
Sometimes, but outside of emergencies it’s considered a pretty shameful thing. Not to receive money from your children, but having to *ask*.
If anything, I think of that as a particularly foreign concept. It seems like a lot of other cultures, including many european and asian cultures, are *much* more inter-generationally dependent on one another than here in the U.S.
Hell, we tend to get a lot of folks coming here to /r/AskAnAmerican and asking us why in america we are so quick to sever our financial ties with our parents.
Some parents have kids because they want somebody to take care of them when they are older. I wouldnt say its common but its also not uncommon
My parents have asked me for money when they’re in a bind, though one has only asked me when I’ve lived with them as an adult temporarily. This is going to be a class difference rather than a cultural one. Working class people and disabled people exist and surprise, it’s not easy trying to survive.
If it’s frequent then that becomes a problem potentially. Otherwise occasionally helping family out when they’re stuck is just what you do where I’m from and it doesn’t matter which generation you’re in. For what it’s worth, I’m from Louisiana.
No. Quite the opposite.
While purely anecdotal, I know one person who’s mom constantly asks him for money and he always tells her to fuck off. Otherwise, it’s mostly parents helping their kids out by giving them money.
My folks are in their 70s and can’t work. Dad usually tends to the yard but in the summer it gets too hot, so my siblings and I will scratch up a few hundred bucks so my parents can hire gardeners for a few months each year.
Some just take it without asking. But in general no it isn’t a wide spread cultural thing.
It’s generally the opposite in America. Kids of affluent parents are generally spoiled, and thus lack the motivation/ambition of their parents. Hell, there are even terms for them here, ie. trust fund babies.
I have trouble convincing my retired parents to let me pay for dinner. They super aren’t shaking me down for money.
Parents making their kids pay them doesn’t seem typical to me. Asking for assistance, sure. Shit happens. But expecting payment seems weird.
Not particularly common. More likely American kids ask their parents for money, lol.