I’ve (M31) lived with my partner (M33) for 2 years now, but we’ve dated for over 6 years.
To give an idea of what it’s been like, there’s another post I wrote on this subreddit about my BF’s anger. That should summarize the main issues I’ve dealt with.
Since then, we’ve had several talks about his anger and my stonewalling in response to it, but nothing has changed on his end. What frightens me the most is not so much the anger itself, but how disproportionate the event is that triggers it. This makes me wake up with a pit in my stomach, wondering what insignificant thing will trigger him this time.
In addition, I’ve relayed my needs to him in a kind manner, but those have not been respected. Most recent story is when I got out of work and expressed I had a challenging day and needed to decompress. He insisted I drive him to a last minute event, saying that “if I’m going to a wedding of yours I don’t want to be in, you can do this for me,” effectively keeping score and completely disregarding how I was feeling.
Oh yea, and he’s told me he doesn’t want me talking about our relationship to anyone. As if he’s worried about something…
There’re additional, similar stories I could tell, but the above should give a clear picture of what’s going on. It’s time for me to make an exit plan, but I’m not sure where to start. If it helps, we both have a house under our names, so I imagine lawyers will have to get involved. Otherwise, I’m not sure what other steps I should take. Can anyone here shed a light on that?
TLDR; I need an exit strategy to leave my BF, but not sure where to start.
6 comments
Most of the advice I see is to have some available cash, and your important documents. Those are the two big ones.
Get your documents in order, contact a lawyer, and start the divorce proceedings.
Yeah just to add to what the others have said… make sure you have possession of your most important documents (birth certificate, passport, driver’s license). Then find a way to have access to cash. Either open an account in your name only or start putting some cash away where he can’t find it. Are you married legally or just have the house in your name? Are there other bills or accounts with both your names? A house is obviously a big asset but if that’s all that you share when you have a lawyer you don’t have to get directly involved. Make sure you have a cellphone that he can’t access. Is there anyone you trust who can help you with a place to stay when it’s safe? Abuse takes many forms and if this isn’t physical it could become that way fast. Stay safe and good luck.
Your exit is just planning a move and not tell him where you going. Find a place, order a uhaul, get some movers (from Uhaul).. move when he isn’t their.
Block all contact and move on. I am sure he will figure it out after that.
The best advice I ever received about breaking up an LTR was to think of what you want your life to look like after the breakup. To think about where you’d live, the responsibilities you’d face, the practical things you’d need in your new life. Then take tiny bites. Conquer the big asks by completing small tasks toward that goal.
In your case, I would take a small step toward researching Real Estate lawyers in your area. Just reading up about property partition. Educate yourself about what to expect. You’ll get closer and closer to a path forward.
Rinse and repeat for other things you feel overwhelmed by. Eventually, you will find yourself with a plan and the momentum to execute it.
Rent a house, move to said house, get a lawyer to solve aditional things like any joint finances/patrimony etc
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The steps are really simple, the courage to start doing them is the hard part