Two days before I was travelling out of town for a few nights, my (34F) husband (39M) (of 8 yrs) lets me know his old female friend from college who lives across the country (whom I’ve never met, and who he apparently hasn’t spoken to in several years) is getting married and we are invited. I don’t know much about their friendship, seeing as they haven’t spoken in 5 years, but when we first starting dating my husband carried around a hand written note from this friend in his wallet — and he continued to do so for two years. This made me a bit uncomfortable – and yes I should have said something at the time- but I didn’t want to end up seeming like the crazy jealous person I’ve apparently turned into now. I think they connected from time to time during these first few years of our relationship, and eventually faded off.
My response was that it’s asking a lot for us to travel across the country for their wedding. He said he hadn’t made up his mind yet about whether to attend.
Later that day, he lets me know that this same friend wants to set a time to catch up over zoom and he’s wondering if it would make me uncomfortable. He says he needs to write back soon because she messaged him this several days prior. I express that it would, namely because 1) his sentimentality towards this friend in the first few yrs of our relationship 2) he hesitated asking me for several days 2) asking me right before I go out of town 4) how he started with the info about the wedding, and then only later asked about the catch up. I said I won’t tell him to do or not do anything, obviously, but if he’s asking me if it would make me uncomfortable the answer is yes and that he can do what he wants with that info. It turned into a pretty heated argument, and we agreed to resume the discussion after I returned from out of town.
Okay, now time to introduce a whole new issue. I get back from my out of town trip, and on the drive home my husband lets me know that while I was away, he decided to take extra dosages of his Ritalin to pull an all nighter and power through a project that has been hanging over his head for years. He didn’t mention this to me while I was away, he said he was worried I would convince him not to do it. I get very upset in response to this. I say I think it was a reckless thing to abuse this medication, something could have happened and he was home alone, so no one would have known. I also am upset that he didn’t mention this to me, so when we were texting about how he was doing, what he was up to, saying goodnight, etc. it was all disingenuous. We proceed have a big blow up argument about this.
A couple days later we are getting into bed, and he acts a bit coy about his phones notification screen. I ask what is going on. First, he lies and says his friend has been continuing to reach out to him, since he hasn’t replied. I press him, and then he confesses that while he was jacked up on Ritalin during his all nighter, he ended up replying to his friend and tried to schedule their catch up call while I was away. The next morning he realized that he regretted doing that, and hasn’t opened her replies since (these were the notifications showing up on the screen). As far as I know that much is true. I ask if there are any other lies to get out there in the open — he says that he in fact he took much more Ritalin
then he initially told me. Perhaps twice as much, and that he lied so I wouldn’t be upset.
Okay now onto my question. Clearly I was wrong for discouraging him to reconnect with his friend- it was a brash reaction based on all the surrounding circumstances. I’m not sure if this excuses the lying and his choice to disregard our agreement to resume discussion on the topic when I returned home. The reckless medication use and downplaying of that is also deeply concerning. Am I being too controlling? He seems to afraid of my reactions that I worry I am driving him to lie to me.
2 comments
I agree you are driving your husband to lying and wildly iverreacting at every opportunity, but frankly thats not an excuse to lie. He needs to grow a spine and put his foot down and tell you you are stepping over the line and being jealous and controlling. Hes not going to die from taking a little extra ritalin. There are college kids who do that at extreme doses for four years straight. If you dont trust him to talk to a friend half a country away, you guys shouldnt be married. There is no good relationship without trust, and you clearly dont trust him. Which is leading him to lie which is giving you a REASON not to trust him.
First and foremost I’m sorry this is happening to you. It’s awful to feel this way. Sounds like you are feeling insecure. You need to address why internally before engaging him. Once you know what about this situation is triggering you can tell him and ask him to help reassure you. His behavior, IMHO is off putting and I’d be concerned. Even if he thinks your over reacting he’s being weird and that compounds the situation and makes it pressurized. Take a step back. Maybe speak to the friend. Watch them together then decide if it’s even worth worrying about. It really may be innocent.