Should my (23f) boyfriend (22m) use the excuse that “he knows what’s best for me” to justify his belief that I should completely submit to what he tells me to do/think? He says we would have a good relationship if I would just listen to what he tells me to do without complaining or arguing back. (Examples of “what he tells me to do” are: not having guy friends, not going out without him, and even looking down upon one of my friends who got an abortion.)
We had a fight on the phone because he out of nowhere asked me “How do you feel having a friend that killed her baby?” (She had an abortion.) And I was absolutely shocked and responded that I feel good about having a friend who did what was right for her. He HUNG UP on me. (And he claims not to be pro-life, btw.) We then started a long phone call where over and over again he was saying that I should be looking down on my friend’s actions and that if I don’t that I’m a bad person. I told him that of course I think abortion is sad, but that I think that sometimes it’s the best option. He agreed that my friend’s abortion was a “net positive,” but that if I am not ashamed of her that I am immoral.
He asks me time and time again if I think he is a good decision maker. I tell him yes, for HIM, but that I am more fit to make decisions for me. He says that if I think he’s a good decision maker that this must also apply when telling me what to do, and that by not doing what he tells me to do I am insulting his intelligence and thinking he doesn’t want the best for me.
Obviously there are so many things I could add that I think are insane, but I guess I’m looking for advice and maybe some reassurance. Surely this is not normal? He is my first relationship, and he tells me that this happy, equal partnership that I wasn’t doesn’t exist and basically that I’ve been brainwashed by books and movies. He says our relationship is hard because good things aren’t easy. But surely they shouldn’t be like this?
QUICK UPDATE: I sent him a paragraph telling him that I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore and that I was ending it because X, Y, Z. (But I’ve been ignored before) He called me, and if I understood him correctly (he hung up on me before I could get clarification), he wanted to talk about his day and not about the paragraph I sent him. Needless to say I will not be calling him back. He keeps sending me sad tiktok slideshows. I haven’t blocked yet because his previous intense efforts to contact me are something I don’t want to experience again.
ANOTHER UPDATE: He said he wanted to talk about it in person tomorrow. I didn’t give him an answer.
44 comments
Lol. Girl *run.*
This type of behavior doesn’t get better, only worse. This is not normal. He’s testing you and slowly breaking you down. You tell him he’s “good at decision making” and he’ll leave for the *for him* part and gaslight you into believing you’re in the wrong.
This is not how a relationship should be; ever. Dump him.
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Girl No.
Why are you still arguing this with him, when you could prove you’re the ultimate authority on what’s best for you by telling him he’s not doing a very good job of hiding his “the only thing women are good for is producing my heirs” outlook on life and walking away?
I’m not reading the rest of this text. Just the title is enough.
This isn’t 1940s. Leave him.
The title of the post and questions is loaded. You know the answer. Which is why you wrote it like you did. Trust yourself and move on. Stay safe, he sounds very toxic and classic narcissist. This personality type is dangerous in terms of assult in all forms. He’ll think he’s breaking his toy or pet. Not a person.
Why are you on here asking us? What needs to happen before you walk away from someone who is clearly a degenerate? Does he need to physically assault you? It will definitely happen if you stick around. Your immediate response to any of the cringe things he has said should have simply been you laughing in his face and walking out the door.
1) Re-read your whole post.
2) Read it again.
3) Read it one more time, just to make sure.
4) Realize you could find a better partner by selecting one at random.
No no no no no! He is a walking red flag. RUN AWAY from this controlling, manipulative nut job.
Sounds like an ex-boyfriend to me.
This whole post is a red flag.
Read this book, it’s free [https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
This man does not see you as a real human. He sees you as an object that he’s entitled to possess, doesn’t believe that you have a mind, that you have independent thoughts, that you have individual needs that you perceive you have and he can’t because he doesn’t have telepathy. How can he love you, if he doesn’t even see you as a real person?
Yes, equal partnerships do exist, I’m in one and been married for 20 years. Unfortunately, a good number of men are socialized thinking that they have the right to ownership to us women, that they are our masters and that we don’t exist as real persons but rather as their robot-servants and nothing more. There are men out there, however, who don’t have this misogynist view.
You need to run. Any guy that assumes that his brain is enough for the two of you like you a robot waiting for instruction is just showing the surface of his controlling behavior.
Tell him to submit to my ass. He’s a controlling narcissist of epic proportions.
Get out now!!!
this child is the one who’s been brainwashed. he’s 22 and reeks of shallow wannabe alpha male stench. one up him, just leave. in 10 years, you’ll come back wondering why your life is shit if you stay.
He wants a dog, OP. Not a gf. You aren’t his servant and not a child either. As you said, you are well able to make decisions for yourself without him. Why would you let yourself get pushed around by this judgemental guy?
And no, equal partnerships don’t just exist in movies and books. He’s just too full of himself to not want to control your every move and thought.
You are too young to get attached to this level of crazy. Believe someone when they show you who they are the first time.
Ummm break up plz he sounds misogynistic as fuck
Why would you ever stay with someone like this
No honey, relationships shouldn’t be like that. I think you know very well what you want and need. Listen to yourself. You know what’s best.
It’s not normal, you know it isn’t, but he’s so forceful with his views that you’re already starting to doubt yourself.
Run, do not walk, away from this overbearing, controlling creep.
How did you NOT laugh in his face and throw him to the curb?
Dip into my bag of self-respect, and take one: ⭐️🌟⭐️
You need a new boyfriend. Cut bait.
I have to be honest…I didn’t read after the title because:
Even in medicine we tell the patient that we treat their ailment but ultimately they have the final say regarding their care because they know what’s best for themselves.
You are in charge of your own autonomy. I can’t blame you for wasting time on him up to this point if you didn’t know any better before, but now you have lots of people telling you that this isn’t normal. If you decide to stay with someone who wants to exert control over you, you will be sacrificing your autonomy amongst another important things. I advise against this strongly.
No one in a relationship with this creepy, conniving, manipulative dude will ever be happy.
Dear god, run away. I see by your comments you’re hoping he’ll see the light, but he will not!
He is abusive and will never change. Block him. Get cameras if you need to. He is not a safe person.
When submission in a relationship is demanded it’s not because they believe they know what’s best for you. It’s because they want to manipulate and control you.
This man is a walking red flag trying to manipulate you into thinking this kind of behavior is normal. It’s not.
You are 23 and it’s your first relationship, take down this information for the future and dump this dude.
Once you’re a few years away from it you’ll be at a party or talking with friends at work and “stupid dudes you once dated” will come up. Now you will have something to contribute and laugh over.
Where do y’all find those misogynistic wannabe patriarchs? Gross.
YEET THE MAN
He is not looking for a girlfriend, he is looking for property.
He is bullshitting you, equal relationships do exist. you are just 0/1 right now.
You can do better, because this will only get worse. Next it will be “You family are toxic, stop talking to them.
Then “You don’t need to work, I will provide for you” and then you are financially under his thumb.
Then it’s kids and now you cannot afford to go anywhere and are trapped.
Any man that says “I will make all your decisions” is just trying to manipulate you because they are too fucking weak to be in a relationship with a strong woman.
Be stronger than that, get away from him. Make a good decision here, and save yourself a lot of heartache.
If this was happening to a friend of yours or a sister you would see how insane this all is.
This man is insane and is trying to destroy your life.
I mean, what are you even getting out of this????
Ah man he’s a Tater. Never let anyone control you or tell you what’s good for you. That’s abuse.
Ask him if he thinks you’re a good decision maker and if he says yes, ask him why you don’t get to make his decisions from now on. If he says no, ask him wtf he’s doing with you
Honestly he sounds like an awful person. Only a bad person would tell you to look down on your friend.
What he’s saying is “this relationship would be perfect for me if you do everything I say and want.” He doesn’t want you, he wants a blank body he can control
This is what I think the gist of your response should be imho
“I used to think you were a good decision maker. But then you showed me over and over how you decide to ignore boundaries and decide to not take ‘no’ for an answer. Those are all poor decisions. I’m deciding to end this relationship, because I could never trust someone with such poor decision making skills.”
No 22-year-old man knows what’s best for anyone, especially not a belligerent, insecure 22-year-old conservative man.
Source: Am a 42-year-old man who still has no idea what’s best for anyone.
You posted in relationship advice page: so here’s my advice- dump him, go to therapy, figure out why you even tolerated with a controlling asshole to begin with, work on yourself, gain some confidence and NEVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE WITH SOMEONE LIKE HIM EVER AGAIN. You KNOW you’re in the wrong for staying. You KNOW that if your friend came to you asking what you just asked in here you’d advise her to leave.
What redeeming qualities does this boy have for you to put up with this? Do you know how easy it is to find a new boyfriend?
I dated a guy like this once. I ran as fast as I could after only a couple months of dating. He told me my job was embarrassing for him (I worked at a fast food restaurant while in NURSING SCHOOL…meanwhile he didn’t even finish his AA and worked my same job just at a golf course💀). He always acted like he was so smart and that he “knew better” for me. Luckily, I got my head straight and dumped him when I was on an out of state trip. He was threatening to harm himself and was also showing violence towards me.
Again, we only dated MAYBE 2 months. I can’t imagine what would have happened if I stayed longer. Anyone, man or woman, who tries to tell you what to think is not someone to have in your life. You already know what to do, get out of there, and I wish you the best!
OP, I’ve read your responses and, bless you dear, you are defending his actions in your current dialog. Why?
This baby man is 22 years young. He’s no authority on anything. The adult brain is unfinished its formation until age 25. Males are, according to psychological profiles I’ve researched as a professional in mental health, usually 2 to 3 years SLOWER in achieving that threshold than females. (Weird fact I agree.)
Don’t waste another hour of your time trying to reason with an emotionally abusive boy. His entitlement and arrogance and ignorance define him.
Stay the course of therapy and focus upon your personal growth. You sound intelligent, and this is so threatening to control obsessed males.
Be safe, call the cops if he attempts to breach your home. Get a restraining order as well if he persists in trying to “get through to you”. The cruelty of males like this only escalate overtime. They need to isolate their victim to maintain their power drunk control.
I’d be frightened if he owns pets, if you follow my meaning.
Sending you kindest wishes and support as you terminate the abusive, controlling relationship .💐
Lord, give me the confidence of this mediocre 22 year old man
I’m guessing you haven’t been dating that long. Will he ask you to stop working and become dependent? Isolation and dependency is the blueprint for abuse with dudes that need to control their woman’s life. Run far and fast.
[Here after the edit] That has to be the most childish, immature reaction he could have possibly given. Good on you for completely blocking him off.
It’s 2023 hon. Tell him to fuck off back to whatever 1920s sitcom he accidentally jumped out of.
Sounds like another casualty of the alpha tik tok red pilled brain rot that’s going around these days.
I didn’t need to read the whole text because the title was enough…
Your bf is not your father, and you’re not his minor child.
I’m glad you broke up with him. The only reason he wants to have a conversation in person is because he’ll have a better chance of playing on your feelings so he can change your mind.
If he insists on an answer, tell him you don’t need to talk more because you’re already done.
Good luck.