How do I handle this situation
Tl;dr: Need advice on toxic in laws me(24) wife (24) father in law(55) mother in law(56) relationship 3 years
Okay so here’s where it all began, the first time I went home with my girlfriend, now wife, her mom was loudly making comments about if my girlfriend was in contact with her ex boyfriend
, from freshman year in high school when we were juniors in college, and asked if she saw pictures of him recently because he is looking good. This was purposely for me to here. It was my first time ever meeting them. It only escalated. They began to blame my existence for her never going home. This is where it went even more down hill. We got engaged and theydidn’t congratulate or acknowledge it, and yes I even asked the dad for permission. They never acknowledge it and still call me her boyfriend. In my senior year after being together for 3 years I decided to go to law school. I got into very good school, and everyone, besides them was excited. They were very vocal about how they didn’t like the location since it was far, didn’t support me, wanted me to stay local, and tried to make their daughter move home with them because they thought I was gonna be to consumed by law school and wouldn’t get the success I was vocal about achieving. Not to be demeaning but they are both single and do not work high income jobs. They always try and give us advice and it’s just over stepping many boundaries. So after this me and my girlfriend got eloped without them knowing, she is now my wife and she refuses to tell them. During our graduation weekend things blew up when they visited, they took her from our apartment and tried getting her to move home, which she refused. Her dad than proceeded to say I need a therapist, insulted my family, called my dad saying her name can’t be on the lease for the house he got us, and yes the dad is bi polar. So now we moved and are in our house, her name is on the lease and she agrees they are a problem. But it bothers me because she struggles dealing with them from a traumatic childhood they causes. I don’t express these feelings because she is so depressed that they are being “bad people”(her words) and to put it in perspective these people barley know me. These experiences are the only ones I’ve had. We try not to talk about it but you can tell we are both sad. Any advice would be appreciated
1 comment
They are angry with you because you did two things. You took their daughter from under their control, and you ensured that that control will never be regained. If you are asking for advice about having a good relationship with the in-laws, I would tell you not to bother, for two reasons. The first is that it will never work, as they seem to have already decided that you are not good enough for their darling daughter. the second is that any intervention has to come from your wife.
Your wife has to put on her big girl boots and tell her parents to back off, unless they want even less of a relationship with her and no relationship with their grandkids. She has to show her parents that she is an adult, fully capable of supporting herself and making her own decisions, one of which was marrying you. Since you got married, it has become the two of you against the world, and the world includes her parents. If her parents finally realize that their daughter is an adult, they will have to back off and either accept her decisions, or accept the fact that they will lose their daughter.