So to preface, I’ve been in some pretty bad relationships and this one is by far the best I’ve ever been in. He makes me feel loved, cared for and so happy.
For context, we have small arguments that occur once or twice every week. In my family, we have always had small arguments all the time and then we just get over it and kind of move on as if nothing happened. I think in his, it’s not the same. The arguments are usually about small things like what time we will meet on saturday (I spend the night every Saturday with him because he is pretty busy throughout the week with his job and the gym). I will ask him if we can meet a bit earlier and he will say no.
Today we had another small argument over a misunderstanding and he just texted me that he can’t do this anymore, we argue way too much and we might not have a future in this relationship. I got super worried over this and asked if he can call me and he told me that he still loves me with all his heart but in the long term if we keep arguing like this we will not be happy together. I totally get this, and I know he is right because my best friend also told me that he feels like he’s walking on egg shells around me just to make sure that I don’t get upset with him when plans falter and end up not happening.
I asked my boyfriend if he wants to break up with me and he said no but we will have to see how the next few months go and if the number of arguments reduce or increase.
For me, for example when we don’t call one day I get disappointed because I really look forward to these calls because sometimes we go through the day without texting for 4 hours at a time. I end up double, even triple texting him sometimes because I feel like he will not text me back unless I do, which is completely untrue. I do understand that I am definitely clingy and I have to chill out a bit and not be so specific about every single thing he does, but I just can’t seem to control it.
Specifically, what I’m looking for is just like how to move forward from this situation and just be chill about stuff without having to overthink. I want to not cause stupid arguments and just be peaceful. I really don’t want to fuck up this relationship.
Tldr: I really want to be someone who doesn’t get so insecure in my relationship that I have to cause arguments to give myself peace
7 comments
You could work with a therapist. Or at the very least question yourself before you react to things that upset you.
Like “oh man, he couldn’t call today. That makes me disappointed….**but**.. sometimes people have a busy/hard day. Or just don’t feel up to a phone call. I have had those days, too. Tomorrow, i will see if he can call.”
Just slowly talk yourself off the edge before you call or text or confront anything.
Why would you argue over a time to meet? Why are these things escalating to arguments?
I have a couple suggestions.
One is just overall modification of your behavioral responses. This starts with making a habit of recognizing when this phenomenon is happening. In what situations do you find yourself about to start an argument? In response to these circumstances and triggers, how do they make you feel, and why? Then, what do you think would be the best way to resolve those feelings?
Another is adapting a more cooperative approach to conflict resolution. Take, for example, figuring out an appropriate time to meet on Saturday. You have your expectations, needs, and limitations for meeting times, and so does your boyfriend. The goal should be working together to identify an arrangement that works best for both of you, rather than fighting each other over whose perspective on times beats the other. Taking a cooperative mindset, recognizing your partner as your teammate (who you care about, and recognizes cares about you) working with you towards a common goal, rather than an adversary, can help you adjust how you approach the matter.
That’s about as much as I can help with, as a stranger on the internet who’s not qualified to offer meaningful or applicable advice.
Best of luck, OP.
>we have small arguments that occur once or twice every week.
That sounds exhausting and very unhealthy. Most healthy relationships involve arguments only very infrequently, because open communication and mutual respect should defuse problems before they blow up into arguments. I don’t know anyone who would be happy to be in a relationship where you get into fights every few days.
>The arguments are usually about small things like what time we will meet on saturday
… You get into arguments over what time you’ll meet? And it comes up multiple times a week!? Goodness, the extent of the conversation should be “What time so you want to meet on Saturday, is 10 too early? Yes? Ok, how about noon? Cool!” There’s no need to start a fight over choosing a time that works for you both. And frankly, in his shoes, getting into a fight over when to meet would definitely start the day on a negative note. I’d be even less enthusiastic about hanging out with the cloud of a fight hanging over my head.
>my best friend also told me that he feels like he’s walking on egg shells around me just to make sure that I don’t get upset with him
If you’re getting into multiple fights every week with multiple people, there’s a common denominator here and it’s YOU. Your friend and boyfriend both told you this is a problem. You should listen to them and take action to work on it
>I really look forward to these calls because sometimes we go through the day without texting for 4 hours at a time. I end up double, even triple texting him sometimes because I feel like he will not text me back unless I do, which is completely untrue. I do understand that I am definitely clingy and I have to chill out a bit and not be so specific about every single thing he does, but I just can’t seem to control it.
Then, bluntly, you are not in a good enough headspace to be dating. This kind of behavior is stifling and codependent and entirely unhealthy.
Go get into therapy. Your actions will absolutely sabotage this relationship, and any others you have in the future, until you learn to deal with your idiosyncrasies.
> For context, we have small arguments that occur once or twice every week.
That is a lot! I don’t even remember a time I had a small argument with my husband.
> In my family, we have always had small arguments all the time and then we just get over it and kind of move on as if nothing happened.
That is abnormal and unhealthy. It may seem normal to you, but most people will not enjoy this.
> when we don’t call one day I get disappointed because I really look forward to these calls because sometimes we go through the day without texting for 4 hours at a time. I end up double, even triple texting him sometimes because I feel like he will not text me back unless I do, which is completely untrue.
You sound pretty clingy. It sounds like your insecurities are causing you to overthink and accuse him of worst case scenarios, causing him to get defensive and this causes arguments. How often do you see him in person?
Do you have more examples of how an argument starts and what is said? You should be having conversations, not arguments. A therapist can help you.
Does the dynamic go like this?
You want something (reasonable or not)
He exercises his autonomy, boundaries, says yes or no.
You don’t like how it feels. You start to overthink, feel anxious, spiral. His no, in your mind is him saying he doesn’t love you, he doesn’t want to spend time with you, you’re not good enough, he’s going to break up with you. You panic.
Instead of sitting with those feelings, learning to regulate your emotions, you spiral further and act out in attempts to get him to talk to you, reply to you, respond to you, soothe you, reassure you that he loves you.
Instead of rationally thinking that people are allowed to say no, have consent or boundaries in relationships and his no, is just a no and that it’s not a reflection of your worth or value, it’s just a word, no.
The more you feel anxiety or unsure, you dig in further, grip harder, cling more, act out to get a response. You don’t understand the same hands you’re attempting to hang onto him with are strangling him.
He’s fed up, burnt out, sick of the up and down, highs of lows. This is how some relationships become unhealthy and toxic. This type of dynamic.
You’ll need to learn self soothing skills so that you can function in a healthy way, both *by yourself* and when in a relationship so you stop acting out towards friends or partners expecting them to rescue you from your emotions.
It’s a self sabotaging cycle anyhow. It’ll end in the way you are trying to avoid. Please don’t leave me, please talk to me, reassure me and eventually they’ll leave because they will have had enough.
You should look into therapy to learn to deal with your emotions, how to regulate them and self soothe.
Just because what was modeled to you was having very frequent arguments that “mean nothing” doesn’t mean your kinda busted relationship mentality is healthy or something that someone else will want to deal with.
Like, I had an ex who grew up in a household where yelling was normal. As far as she was concerned, a normal way to get someone’s attention or make your point was to raise your voice louder and louder.
That didn’t make it ok.
Work on your issues. Please.