for as long as i could remember, the relationship i’ve had with my mom has always been hot and cold. she confides in me a lot when she wants gossip but she’s also the most nosy person with no understanding of boundaries (opens my mail, butts in on my phone conversations, threatens to tell my dad about my intimacy with my boyfriend, which my dad has already said he doesn’t want to hear about, etc.) when she’s mad at me, she becomes the most vile person. she’s emotionally volatile, cusses me out, pushes me around, screams in my face, and the thing that she does that bothers me most is call me fat (she is clinically obese.) she never does any of this to my younger brother, she treats him like a king. i am overweight but i’m not FAT like she says i am. i’ve struggled with eating disorders in the past, so it stings the most when she mentions my body. she does it even when she isn’t mad. earlier today she told me i need to shut my mouth because my boyfriend is starting dental school and will find a pretty and skinny girl at his school and leave me. all i did was eat a croissant. i can’t shake the feeling that she’s jealous of me for some reason. i feel like i’ve taken advantage of a lot of opportunities she hasn’t, so with age she’s gotten more bitter. she tells my dad to not help me out if i need it for school, wants me to stop working (i’m now a teacher,) says i shouldn’t be getting my masters bc it’s expensive (idek why that matters to her, my parents never paid a single penny for my education EVER), and has at times told me to leave the house over the most foolish things. i have always been a good daughter. i don’t doubt that she loves me, but she definitely resents me for idek what. it’s been this way since i could remember, so i’ve always stuck to my dad’s hip bc i love and trust him more.
i am in therapy and i originally began seeing my therapist behind her back bc she never let me see one before bc she said all i wanted to do was talk badly about her, but i just got sick of it and started doing what i want. even though it helps, i live with her so i just can’t escape her infuriating personality. leaving isn’t an option bc i’m in grad school and can’t afford to, as i’m going to be paying off my tuition out of pocket. i will be moving out of state when i graduate, but it’ll be another 4 years.
how do i manage to keep my sanity while under the same roof as her? family therapy isn’t an option bc, no surprise, she doesn’t believe in that
2 comments
People put up with crap and drama from people because they’re family too often. Family isn’t stopping your mother from being toxic to you. You have every right to cut out people who bring only grief into your life. If you don’t have the financial means to walk away right now, all you can do is bite your tongue, focus on your grind until you’re ready.
Oh this sounds horrible! And four more years, bloody hell. Can you not live with your boyfriend? Or at least stay nights there?
Let me just say: she does not love you. She does not. She’s an abuser. They do not love.
All the inconsistencies and hypocrisy you’ve described is the terrible toxic mess of an abusive person. It will never be understandable. She will never change. And being overweight is totally ok in your situation! She’s just pushing your buttons because she knows you hate it and she’s also projecting her self hatred into you.
I would try to have absolutely limited contact with her at home. Limited answers to her questions, no emotion in your voice, staying in your room. You may have to [grey rock](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock):
“Gray rocking, or the grey rock method, is a tactic some people use when dealing with abusive or manipulative behavior. It involves becoming as uninteresting and unengaged as possible so that the other person loses interest.”
Google ‘grey rock’, there’s lots out there.
Also check out the subs about abuse and narcissists. You may just have to vent to friendly ears to survive four years.
R/abusiveparents
R/narcissisticabuse
And your mum is doing ‘[Golden Child Syndrome](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/golden-child-syndrome/)’ with your brother. It’s a classic narcissist move.