My (29 F) SO (25 M) is a wonderful partner, but still mostly in the fog. When we started dating, he would say his mom was a “hot head”, but after 1.5 years he now acknowledges she is likely a narcissist. I am NC with her, and he was LC, but returning to regular contact.
I want us to have a good relationship, so I try not to bring her up often, but when I do, he gets immediately angry and defensive. For example, today he mentioned wanting to get a dog, but that we’ll have to wait until we move somewhere more spacious. While I agree this is a good plan, I pointed out that he has no issue with MIL keeping her large dog in a crate 20+ hours per day. SO immediately got upset and told me to drop it. He also accused me of bringing her up in every conversation (objectively not true), and said I just do it to rile him up (also not true).
I’ve suggested couple’s counseling many times, and while SO always says he’s “open” to it, he also says he doesn’t feel it’s necessary. In other words, he will only go if I find a counselor, sort out the insurance, make an appointment, and beg/insist that he join me.
SO is a wonderful partner, but his mom is an abhorrent, evil person, and SO is 10% out of the fog about it. I am not eager to get married or have kids at this point because of his mom and his relationship with her. How concerned should I be?
5 comments
So he defends and supports his mom, like a good son should… And you have a problem with this?
> For example, today he mentioned wanting to get a dog, but that we’ll have to wait until we move somewhere more spacious. While I agree this is a good plan, I pointed out that he has no issue with MIL keeping her large dog in a crate 20+ hours per day.
So he’s talking about getting a dog, and you immediately use it as a springboard to attack his mom. That is pretty fucking weird!
>SO immediately got upset and told me to drop it.
No wonder. It’s weird behavior and it sounds like something you do on a regular basis: *”Say, speaking of Easter, your mother sure is a horrible person! She probably would have crucified Christ don’t you think?”*
Break up with him. It must beyond aggravating to have a girlfriend constantly nag you about your own mother, and the dude deserves better.
He loves his mother and is a good son, something you for whatever reason can’t accept.
How his mom raises her dog has no bearing on whether he’s ready to get a dog… so why bring her up. I would get annoyed and defensive too cause that’s a cheap shot.
You have issues against his mom and are NC, he seems to be wanting to build up more contact with her, which is a good thing you should support. It seems like you are making up these issues so that he has issues with her too. That would make you the narcissist.
You have to remember, that is his mother, irregardless of anything, she raised him, sacrificed more for him than you have. You may not like her, but the last thing you do is bring up someone’s mother in a negative context.
Why bring up his mom in a discussion about getting a dog? She has absolutely nothing to do with it. For someone you want nothing to with, you sure are giving her a lot of space to live in your head.
Even if she has genuinely been a terrible person, you do not need to keep reminding her own child, he knows. This isn’t how you help a partner process their family issues, like you’re way out of your lane and I would argue it’s an extremely unattractive quality you’re putting on display, literally nobody wants to deal with their SO constantly bemoaning or stirring crap with their family. He can sort out his own relationship with his own mother, you can not like her and still respect your partner enough to not badmouth her to him.
You did bring her up unnecessarily. Idk what his mother’s dog has to do with anything. Do you also want to crate a dog for twenty hours a day? What was the point of that…
>For example, today he mentioned wanting to get a dog, but that we’ll have to wait until we move somewhere more spacious. While I agree this is a good plan, I pointed out that he has no issue with MIL keeping her large dog in a crate 20+ hours per day. SO immediately got upset and told me to drop it.
This is really odd. He accused you of bringing up his mother randomly and I can’t see why you brought it up here. He wants a dog but wants to get it with a bigger place, you agree…. so zero reason to bring up his mom. then you bring up his mom and say he has no problem with her keeping a big dog crated up?
It’s her dog, she has it and keeps it caged, that doesn’t mean he wants to do that with his dog. Was he defending his mother or defensive because for no reason you brought up his mother to attack her? because it sounds more like the latter. Then in reality he’s right to be pissed nad you’re wrong to keep bringing her up to attack her, it’s manipulative and shitty.