About 10 months ago I started dating my current gf. It’s the first relationship I’ve ever been in and even though it’s not her first, it is the first one where she’s ever felt a deep connection with her boyfriend from what she’s told me. I’m even the first guy she’s ever said “I love you” to. I love her a lot and we share a really deep connection and a lot of ideas for a future together, so I always try really, really hard to make sure that I keep her happy and remind her of all the reasons we fell in love in the first place. A problem arises every so often though when we have a mild disagreement. I’m the type of person who *needs* to talk through the problem in order to solve it and to get closure on it. If I don’t, my anxiety takes the wheel and drives me into the worst possible conclusions. She, on the other hand, is the type of person to internalize everything. When we start to have a conversation about anything that slightly inconveniences her and makes her have to defend herself or even just explain what she meant by something, she shuts down and goes completely quiet, offering me short, half-assed, untrue answers like “it’s fine.” and “I’m not mad.” Her behavior is completely understandable to me. She’s been through a lot in her life. Physical and mental abuse, SA, heartbreak and grief, and to top it all off, we’re pretty sure she has undiagnosed ADHD which absolutely gets in the way of her way of thinking, so this is kinda like a defense mechanism that has “worked” for her thus far, but that really negatively affects her relationships. I try to be a caring partner to try and make up for all the shit from her past, and it works in some ways (for example: I see that she’s becoming more affectionate), but it’s SO SLOW and it would be really nice to hear some advice on how I might get her to open up a little more effectively. We had our first argument in a long time tonight and I once again could not get her to just have a conversation with me about it to solve the problem, so I’m left here anxious on the couch at midnight during finals week hoping to find some ways of making this less of a problem in the future. I really, really love her and I just want to be able to get her to open up with me so I can help us be the best us possible. Any and all advice is appreciated<3
2 comments
So what you’re saying is that you wish to alleviate some of your own anxiety by transferring it to your girlfriend?
Not everybody wants to talk about every slight misfortune or upset. She’s doing nothing wrong in processing and dealing with things in her own way.
I think you should let her know every know and then that no matter what, you’ll still love her