My (23m) gf (22f) of 1½ years was pretty great for the most part, but for the past few months she went out clubbing and drinking all the time without me and I felt a little uncomfortable. She always said no when I asked to tag along even though I always invited her when I went out with my own friends. These places are undoubtedly filled with guys who’d hit on her and I don’t feel comfortable that she’s willing to put herself in those positions especially whilst drunk after telling me not to come. I felt disrespected. I never went to places where I’d be surrounded by drunk girls throwing themselves at me because I had respect for my gf, I wanted the same from her.
When I brought it up she said I was being “controlling” and “insecure”, and that I didn’t trust her. I explained to her that, having boundaries is the opposite of that. If I was truly insecure I’d let her do it even if I didn’t like it because I’d be afraid of losing her. I have too much self respect to allow myself to be disrespected like that so how can I be insecure? I also explained that she’s free to leave whenever she wants, and that I never asked her for anything else so I can’t be controlling. As for the trust part I said I trust her but the more she does this the less I trust her as I see it as disrespectful, and her doing it constantly gives me more reason to trust her less. I knew she wouldn’t like it if I got drunk and started hanging around random drunk girls. Who would? She agreed and that was that. So I thought anyways.
Fast forward to today and I see on her Instagram story that she went to some sort of bar which had naked men everywhere with one of her friends. The clientele was unsurprisingly 100% female, and the male waiters all had their bare asses exposed. She filmed these men doing fairly lewd things to some of the women there, like climbing on them and making out with them at the tables. Everyone was laughing, no genitalia was exposed and I don’t think there was any sex but I can’t be sure. Later on, she was posing in pictures with them and one of them was her smiling with her tongue out and her face right next to some guy’s bare ass.
I immediately responded to the story and told her we were done, in a polite and respectful way in spite of how betrayed I felt. She got pretty upset and said she didn’t do anything with them and that it was just for fun. I told her it’s distasteful and disrespectful and the fact she did it after our discussion without telling me was unforgivable. I politely reiterated that we were done, she got upset and started telling me I was overreacting and that she loves me. I didn’t respond, just left her on read.
Starting to think I may have been too harsh, should I apologize and take her back? Was I actually insecure and controlling or was that an attempt to gaslight me? I love her a lot and am tempted to take her back but deep down I know it’s probably a bad idea.
EDIT: Lot of backlash here. If I had a gf, and constantly went to bars and clubs without her and she didn’t like that, then we talked and I told her I agreed with why she didn’t like it, but not long after go to a strip club and take a selfie with my face right next to a strippers exposed ass, would she be insecure for dumping me? That’s basically what happened but the other way around. She wants me to take her back and apart from this we get along really well.
EDIT 2: I’m going to tell her we can’t get back together. As some of you have said, we are incompatible. I shouldn’t have broken up with her over text, I regret that, so I’ll arrange to meet her and tell her in person. I’ll be nice about it of course. I texted her because I felt so betrayed and acted out of anger. I regret doing that and was wrong to do it. She agreed with what I said before and then went out without saying a word and had her face next to a guys bare ass with her tongue out, filming all these men climbing on women and sticking their tongues down their throats.
I felt so betrayed and I never would have known had I not come across her Instagram story. She wasn’t a party girl until a few months ago, and I’ve never asked anything of her before. Always tried my best to keep her happy, as I loved her to bits. This all happened today and I know as a guy I’m not supposed to, but I just wanna cry like a baby because of how much it hurts. I don’t want to control anyone which is why I. won’t take her back. She won’t be happy and neither will I
UPDATE: She drove to mine so we could talk it out and things were so much fucking worse than I imagined. We had a back and forth and in the end, everything came out. The reason she started clubbing a few months ago when before that she had no interest in it is because a guy from her University she was talking to secretly got her into it. That’s also obviously why she never wanted me to come.
She admitted to cheating for the past 3-4 months with this guy, and in an attempt to make me feel better about the situation, she let slip that the event she went to was actually some sort of FetLife event. I suspected as much, as if it were drag there would have been more than 2 drag queens out of the large number of men there, and they wouldn’t have been doing things to the women like that. She said she went to this event without his knowledge to try and make me feel better. Wtf? So you cheat on me, then you cheat on the guy you cheated on me with and now I’m supposed to feel better about it?
She wanted me to take her back, I said no and told her to leave then I blocked her. Every single day she’d send me good morning messages telling me she loved me. In person she would look me in the eye and say the same thing. She did that all without meaning a word. Idk how I’ll ever be able to trust anyone again. And for those of you who said I was controlling, I never asked her for anything apart from that one thing, and I’d never knowingly date a party girl to begin with. Idk how I’ll get over it, how can you trust anyone who can come across as so loving but not even mean a single word? She would kiss me goodbye before leaving to see some other guy. It’s fucking evil, and for those of you who still want to justify it, fuck you. No one’s perfect but I know damn well I deserve better than to be betrayed like that. If she didn’t like me, she should have just said so and left.
TLDR: She went to some sort of bar which had semi naked men serving drinks and doing pretty lewd stuff with the women there after I told her I don’t like it when she goes drinking and clubbing. She agreed with my sentiment but then went to this bar anyway without telling me, and took a pic with her face right up against one of the guys asses posted it on her Instagram story. I dumped her because I feel she overstepped boundaries. She wants me to take her back.
47 comments
It sounds like you are basically incompatible with each other. What would make you happiest would make her very unhappy, and vice versa. So no, I don’t think you should take her back.
The next time around, look for someone who shares your point of view that it’s not OK to go out clubbing and drinking unless you are with your partner.
Whether it is too harsh or not is irrelevant. Everyone will have a slightly (or not so slightly) different opinion on that. The point here is you don’t need to justify what you will or will not put up with in a relationship and it seems to me you’ve found something you don’t want in a relationship.
Do both of you a favour and don’t get back together.
No. You’re not compatible. Move on.
Boundaries are for you. If you don’t want to date someone who goes clubbing or out with friends then don’t date someone for whom that’s a hobby. Being her boyfriend doesn’t give you authority to dictate what she can and can’t do.
She sounds like she’s doing what many women her age are doing. Having fun with friends.
You seem to have a very conservative view on relationships and “respect” and that’s fine but then this isn’t the person for you to date right now. Expecting someone to follow your rules is controlling. Choosing to walk away when you feel a boundary is crossed is not. You’re not giving an ultimatum (controlling and manipulative), you’ve set a boundary for yourself.
Boundaries are about what you will accept and your actions. Say you don’t want to date someone who smokes. So you would only date people who don’t smoke or break up with them if they take up smoking. It wouldn’t be dating someone who smokes and then try to change them to quit. It’s better for you to stay broken up with her because that would be you respecting your own boundary.
I think the minimum age to date someone should be raised to 25, legally. These posts are all so fucking stupid.
There’s no point in getting back together. She wants to go out and have fun with friends. She’s young and there’s nothing wrong with that. You can’t tell her what to do or where to go, so it’s time to call it. Find someone more compatible with you.
You are totally different people. Focus on your self and your professional goals. If she wants to go to bars, she has the right to do it. But if you want a somebody that doesn’t goes to bar we’ll find her. Because you ex is not her. Move on and good luck.
She’s allowed to do those things and you’re allowed to not want to date someone who does them. You just aren’t compatible. Move on
You don’t want to date a girl that parties. That’s fair you dont have to. She wants to party right now and live her best life in that scene. That’s fair she can if she wants to. You can’t tell her not to party and she can’t just ignore your feelings. You already ripped the band aide off, you are not compatible. You should look for someone that has interests and values more aligned with you. Going back is only ramming your head up against the same wall twice. Just because you both say you love each other doesn’t mean you guys are in The same space in life….who ever said love conquers all lied
I don’t think the men at the drag bar are trying to fuck women.
I don’t think that you two are compatible. Both of you are traveling different paths. She still wants to be the party girl and you want to settle down. Nothing wrong with either choice but that makes it hard to navigate a relationship. You are not going to be happy with her going out drinking all the time. If she stops going because of your boundarie, she will resent you. Probably best to just move on
Best thing for both of you is to just walk away from this relationship
Don’t get back with her. You have your standards and she has hers. Let her go
Seems like clubbing is a dealbreaker for you so I don’t think you should try to get back with her. You guys aren’t compatible, just move on.
Is anybody else reading the post? I feel this comments just stopped midway and decided to comment. Goodness.
Idk why your post is getting downvoted if the genders were reversed everyone would be on the woman’s side for dumping the guy. Reddit is so dumb. Good for you for sticking to your own boundary and choosing NOT to get back with her. When discussing this in person with her make sure to emphasize that you had explained to her your boundary and that because she went and did what she wanted she blatantly disrespected you and therefore she gets the freedom to do what she wants , IE partying etc, and you get to find someone who is more in lined with your lifestyle (ie not partying)
You’re 23, you’re not married, if you don’t like her, don’t date her, man.
Reddit is trash you are in the right screw the doublestandtards.
What he was trying to say is that if he did basically the same thing she did, posting a selfie of himself in a strip club pointing to a woman’s bare ass that was practically in his face, everyone would be saying what an awful BF he was. Not karma farming (I don’t think), but also not someone he should agree to take back for a second chance, because they are too different.
I’m a woman n I can’t under this behavior either, how would she feel about half naked women all around you? It’s so hypocritical, leaving her was the best decision, you’ll soon find out there are better women and 1 1/2 yrs is not that long. Takes a while to finally see how ppl really are because they act all innocent and perfect the 1st yr.
Honestly I’m a woman and i agree with you. If my man did that i would feel extremely extremely disrespected. I get a girls night but never ever letting you come along is just weird. And girls night doesn’t have to be at a literal strip club what?? This feels like way more than just having fun with friends. Especially in a relationship where you’ve expressed it makes you uncomfortable before. You should definitely stay broken up with her.
You shouldn’t. She disrespected boundaries, that’s the bug reason. Someone who don’t respect this, regardless of who’s right and wrong, shouldn’t be in a relationship
Secondly, it is normal for someone in a relationship to have personnal activities, and it is healthy to not do everything with your partner. However, you said she was going not only at activities all the time without you, but also she goes drunk everytime. Honestly, a partner who’s addicted to alcohol is a red flag
I do not care about other comment saying it’s a gay bar or drag queen or whatever, posting a picture of her with a bare ass, even if it was a woman, is enough for you to leave someone. I hope I do not have to explain why…
Finally, when you wanted to have a clear and polite conversation, she started to get hostile toward you, another red flag. Someone who can’t have a polite conversation, even for cheating accusation IMO, isn’t worth your time
Now for the thing you could have done better: Dumping someone on social media is kind of a dick move. I understand she had being toxic and unrespectful, and that you must have felt hurt, but you should have known better on that part.
So no, you deserve someone better. I won’t decide for you whereas you want to take care of some insecurities (if you truly have some), but she’s at fault
holy double standards. the only mistake this dude made is asking some fucking redditors for advice lmao
If my SO went clubbing all the time (chip n dale or w/e) and said I wasn’t invited every time, there’s no way I would put up with that for long. That would be a boundary for me too. Just asked my SO what she’d think if I tried to do that to her and she said “fuck no I wouldn’t put up with that”. I don’t think most people would and that’s not unreasonable at all. That’s not “overly conservative” or “controlling” lmao.
I guarantee if the genders were reversed in this post people would be screaming about how many red flags that is and you need to leave right away.
This subreddit (and r/parenting_advice) consistently have the loudest/most upvoted comments giving the worst advice possible. It’s kind of hilarious actually
Just find someone who fits better with your values. I don’t really understand what’s wrong with someone not wanting there girlfriend/boyfriend to go clubbing. Clubbing is for single people and people who want to hook up, not people who are in relationships. If I wanted to go to a strip club or any kind of club without my partner I’d get bitched at. Having fun is having fun but having fun doesn’t have to include going to clubs and getting intoxicated. That is single behavior. Move on brother
You are allowed to dump her. She chose to go to clubbing and drinking despite the fact you don’t want her to do it. Given the fact that she was at a strip club, dumping her on text is more appropriate than meeting her face to face. Cut contact with her. She is not compatible with you.
Brother, you were right in your assessment. Never feel bad about having self-respect and boundaries. You indeed were not compatible, and your definition of respect for your partner was definitely different than hers. Breaking up over text, yeah, not the best, but other than that, spot on!
For your own sake, absolutely not. If you get back together, she’ll keep stretching the boundaries until you inevitably storm off and end up looking like the bad guy. Look out for yourself.
I see these comments, and you know what? Fuck ’em. They’re rage-baiting you.
This’ll probably get me downvoted and/or banned, but I could care less.
If OP was a woman saying she broke up with her boyfriend for going clubbing when she asked him not to, not a single comment would be “yOu’Re inseCuRe” “hE dEseRves beTtEr”
😆 no don’t get back with her
She kinda sounds trashy honestly. Some people just spent their entire youth in bars. She’s one of em.
Idk why ppl are toeing the line between whos at fault. You’re the one in the right here, don’t get back w her.
The double standard is strong in these comments. Imagine their sexes were reversed and it was a man going to a titty bar and taking pics with his tongue out next to breasts.
Hey female here, I’d be pissed and probably dump my boyfriend if he did this. For one not letting you come with us a huge red flag in my opinion, two her doing it again without talking with you before screams she’s probably out doing stuff she doesn’t want you to know about. Open communication is key
So is everyone gonna pass over the part of her taking a picture with her tounge out by a guys ass?
You did the right thing. Find a woman that doesn’t insist on making you uncomfortable.
And find a subreddit where when you post about it, women don’t evidence a _craaazzzzzyyyy_ double standard… where they gaslight the shit out of you.
Some of these women here are total hypocrites and I’m disgusted by their lack of insight. There is a wonderful woman out there for you so don’t stop looking for her. I guess the women here don’t want men making choices about the morals and values of the woman you’re involved with but fuck that. Go find her ♥️
Yeah, that would be a hard no for me and a lot of people. You had the talk about your comfort level, she seemingly agreed then blew right over the line. I’d just say you’re incompatible.
There’s another story here today about a bachelorette party, male strippers and some photos ending another relationship because the GF admitted to kissing the guys tip. He broke up with her and her friends blew up his phone with some crazy “her body, her choice” rhetoric. There’s a lot of similar advice on that post that you should read.
I don’t think your GF would be happy if you posted a similar picture and I don’t think you’d be happy in a relationship where you one upped each other on bad deeds or just didn’t care about them happening. Best of luck to you.
What the hell is this comment section, I forgot how ridiculous people on this app are. He communicated that he feels uncomfortable with something, she does that thing, he breaks up with her??? What am I missing she even admits if it was the other way it would bother her.
Comments here are gaslighting the shit out of OP.
She is a walking red flag, don’t take her back, she wants to be single and have a cosy coudle partner at the same time.
Updateme!
My bro I’m totally with you,bugger these people who think otherwise, stick to your guns, keep being who you are,and move on with your life, all the best for the future 👍
So she was cheating, good on you for breaking up, hopefully you will find someone who is compatible with you and won’t be a cheater
Great you did not listen to those idiots. Take it as a valuable lesson and move on.
Also please do not punish your next lover because of this POS. You can be on the lookout for signs but do not project your insecurities on her. Take therapy, it should help.
Lastly take care.
u/ThrowRA_AntiThotBoi
Please don’t buy into the crap that guys aren’t supposed to cry. Everyone has feelings, whether they are male or female. Men should be allowed to feel something other than anger; this whole you can’t cry (even in private) to deal with your sad feelings and then move on from them is BS. You’re legitimately going through something heart wrenching, OP. It’s okay to mourn it and get it out of your system so that it doesn’t get pushed down and make you feel bottled up and ready to burst every day. You’re not weak as a man to feel sad feelings, in fact, it takes a strong man to be unafraid of his emotions and know how to share them with others (because a lot of this life sucks at some point, and shared pain can lighten each other’s loads). Knowing how to manage your sadness will make you wise/you’ll know what to say to others who need advice in a similar situation. There’s just more positives than minuses to letting yourself feel.
All the people on here defending her actions and it turned out she was cheating lmfao. Always trust your gut and enforce your boundaries and don’t let anyone shame you for having them. Also don’t date club girls.
Why were people defending the girlfriend before he found out she cheated? That behavior is disrespectful as fuck and OP was completely right.