My (20F) boyfriend (25M) is a very caring person and refuses to do anything that might hurt me. I’m kinda into degradation and I’m a bit of a masochist. But because he’s so caring he refuses to spank me and won’t say anything to me that’s worse than “naughty girl” I’m just wondering if there’s anything I can do to convince him that it’s what I want, to have that little bit of pain. If not it isn’t exactly a deal breaker, I can learn to live with it, but I want peoples ideas first before I give up.
Tl;dr: my boyfriend is scared of hurting me so won’t spank me or anything similar.
29 comments
And deal with your #MeToo accusations 10 years later? He’s right not to do it.
I’m assuming you have had the conversation about how you like it and it’s ok and whatnot (because that’ll be every second comment). If so why not Do it to yourself in front of him. Smack your own ass. Call him a filthy whore. Slap your own tits. He’ll get the idea. Failing that I really don’t know.
I was that boyfriend once. Pick one thing to start with and ask him to do it. Make sure to moan when he does.
And don’t forget aftercare is important for him too. Reassure him that you really liked it and maybe he can do it a little harder next time? With a little patience and a few drinks now and then, I bet you’ll have him exactly where you want him.
Ease him into it. Don’t make him be someone he is not for your pleasure first.
So instead of making him hit you during sex which might do nothing for him try having him be dominant in ways he gets something out of it.
You could make him face fuck you for example by placing his hand on your head and you’ll be rough to yourself at first.
Maybe look up what roles fit a dominant partner and how you could play your part. Brat, DDLG, … Might trigger a response in him
Also be honest with yourself, do you want him to use you or do you want him to pleasure you ?
Ask yourself how much of the things he does in bed are already “for your sake” and how much you do for him, maybe he just isn’t into putting in even more work ?
My partner and I have huge respect for each other in and outside the bedroom. It’s this respect that allows both of us to be comfortable with the aggressive dirty talk and the spanking. So assuming you two have the same then tell him, “I know you have respect for me and I trust you, I need you to treat me like the naughty, slutty woman that I am and spank me.” Or something along those lines.
We all have our limits on what turns us on. I had a gf once that had a real rape fantasy that she wanted me to carry out. Like full on hide and wait in her house at night when she wasn’t expecting it, dressed in black and mask, ropes, etc. She wanted to fully fight back and me overpower her… I looked at her like she had 3 heads and told her there isn’t a chance in hell I would become sexually aroused doing this and its not something I would ever want to explore or tap into. She was genuinely disappointed that I wouldn’t do this for her..
Well from personal experience I was that guy who was well I told her I was afraid of hurting her yet I was not. It was me thinking that I would not be up to her standards. However I discovered that I have a praise kink. She found out about my praise kink along with my other kinks and turn on’s. We together talked about our kinks together casually and reading together learning about them. She tapped into my praise kink and when I first spanked her oh wow she told me how much she liked it which compelled me to do more. Didn’t take long for me to enjoy spanking her, pulling her hair, degradation, and other things that turn her on which turn me on because I really enjoy pleasing her. Here is an article that might be helpful [praise kink ](https://badgirlsbible.com/praise-kink)
This is his boundary. He’s not into BDSM.
If you are, you need to date someone who is.
Respect his boundary, stop asking
Respect your needs. Leave if you need this.
Why is violence and being abused a turn on for you. Focus on that 🗣️
Don’t try to convince him to be blatantly honest. He is showing you his boundaries which is fair and to be respected (which you do).
From personal experience I’d also say give it time. You said you can probably learn to live with nothing happening. My ex once told me she wanted to be dominated in bed. I told I her don”t want to cause it would feel wrong and weird for me.
But we talked about it from time to time and after a while I got curious and thought well, I can at least try some light stuff and see how it feels. Wasn’t forced into it or asked constantly. In fact she had given up on it but was so happy and thankful that I was willing to try. Took it slow and did not get too far into heavy territory but what we did worked for the both of us.
Now that might not happen in your case but I think it”s really wonderful that you two can talk about this stuff. You know, there are always hard boundaries for people that have to be respected for as long as that person has them but the grey area is something you can work with if both are willing. Like trying something for the benefit of a partner you love even if it is not the hottest thing in the world for yourself – and isn’t hurting yourself. I could not get myself to hit or spank my ex at all. I mean just lightly spanking on the bottom made me feel weird, silly and mean and resulted in my fun time equipment to malfunction for a time.
But that’s me.
I wish you two all the best and that you can expand your pleasures together with consent, patience, love and passion.
Have fun and take care
I see an alarming number of people asking how
My advice is don’t
It’s not who he is, it’s not something he’s comfortable with, it would be wrong to try and change who he is solely for your own benefit like this, and are you prepared to face a situation where he either has a breakdown and feels IMMENSE guilt like he’s a monster?
Just…leave it alone. If you honestly want or feel you need that in your relationship then find someone else whose more compatible. If not, then accept what is
Some people just aren’t into that. So it sounds like you’re sexually incompatible. It’s better to just find someone else that you sexually compatible with than to try to convince someone to do something they’re not into or uncomfortable with, that can ultimately make them feel even worse over time.
What a herb. Live a little my man
Probably not. Would you be okay with HIM using techniques from strangers online to get you do perform sexual acts you’re not comfortable with?
i was also that guy. i’m torn between the different responses; on the one hand if it’s a hard boundary for him then you shouldn’t push it. on the the other hand, i found that even though i don’t especially enjoy choking, slapping, spanking, etc my partner, i can enjoy and get turned on by them enjoying it. so not all likes and dislikes are set in stone, for many men this is a hard taboo that has been drilled into us our whole lives: you never hit a woman. it will take communication and openness, and lots of positive reinforcement.
the first time a former fwb told me to choke her during sex i completely lost my erection, and couldn’t continue. i was very embarrassed of course. the next time i just put my hand around her neck, no choking or squeezing, and she essentially used her hands on my wrist/arm to apply the amount of pressure that she liked, and she would tell me harder, etc. i felt much more comfortable after that because i had a reference point. so you could try something like that, or smack your own ass to show him what you like. she also used a lot of positive reinforcement, like telling me she liked it/loved it in the moment, how much it turned her on, or that she had been thinking about it while masturbating. knowing i was turning her on so much really turned me on, and so even though i never get anything specifically out of hair pulling, slapping, spanking, choking, etc. i started to love doing those things for her. and her communication reassured me that she liked it, wanted it, etc, so eventually all the uneasiness i felt at first went away.
if he’s open to it, within the bonds of a trusting relationship, i don’t think this is being coercive or manipulative, i think it’s creating a safe space to explore. i’m grateful that i had a partner who opened that door for me. just my 2 cents.
If he has communicated that he does not wish to do so, you have only a few options. Respect their wishes or find someone who is more compatible.
I think you might need a little bit of r/antikink
To be fair, on a first date this chick wanted me to strangle her and punch her in the face.
A) I don’t roll like that B) even if I did, I don’t know you and that sounds like a bait trap.
I’m pretty much in the camp of your boyfriend, but I understand that what you like is what you like. I could not hurt a woman no matter what enticing things she offered in return. To guys like me, hurting women (even consensual) is a huge turnoff. We were brought up not to hurt women under any circumstances. I literally would go soft in seconds after causing any pain to women during sex and that would be it. It sounds like you two are not sexually compatible like that, so it is your choice whether to continue the relationship or not based on your needs.
Sounds like you got a great guy and your a pretty cool person too who is open to ideas but not forcing them.
If he is absolutely not into it then let it go
I only had one idea which is roleplay. He doesn’t want to call his gf degrading names etc but you could pretend to be strangers or having an affair or whatever
Like you said it’s not a deal-breaker so I think it’s a bit messed up ppl telling you to break up
He’s made it clear that he does not want to do a specific sexual activity with you. Why are you still on his case??? Accept it and move on, or find someone else who is into it.
How would you feel if your bf demanded, pleaded and tried to manipulate you into doing something in bed that YOU don’t find acceptable?? Like for example having a threesome with him and his dad. People do, and enjoy it, you know. Imagine that.
Honestly if my bf was into it, I couldn’t do it. I know it’s “playing” but I love him so much I could not see myself being mean or degrading to him in any way. Even if he told me it was pleasure thing for him. My brain just don’t function like that.
I think you honestly have to thing of it, it you can leave without it or not
You can buy him testosterone and trenbolone – he will do anything that comes with fu****g after 2-3 weeks.
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(I’m joking… but it worked for me)
This happened with my partner and I. Had to start really slow, and for a while, I needed affection to make sure they were completely okay with what had happened. See if that helps. I know oftentimes the receiver is the focus of aftercare, but learning to hit someone you care deeply about, even if they want it, can be really hard. Knowing they still loved me after helped me to know I hadn’t broken any boundaries or actually hurt them.
My husband used to be the same way. We talked about it at a non sexual time and we watched some porn with spanking and such before sex to show him its normal and give him some ideas and now it just happens naturally. Just keep reassuring you want it and like it and he should come around. He needs to get past his fear of hurting you and being told you never ever hit a girl
It’s a weird thing, because without being 100% sure that my partner want’s it, it’s litteraly mildly assaulting and noting i’d want to do.
On the onther hand it’s really hot if she’s really in on it.
Same thing can be so different depending on the context. So make sure to make it clear that it’s an act of love.
I think you should respect his boundaries.
I might do light spanking, or something that slightly strings the skin, but not being a sadist, I could never physically do bodily harm to a woman, regardless what she wanted.
Talk to him and ask how he feels about those kind of sexual acts. Tell him how you feel. If he’s not into it, there’s nothing you should do about it. Over time his feelings could change but IMO it’s not healthy to try and convince someone of doing something they express that they don’t want to.