I am at my wit’s end. I love my boyfriend with all my heart and we have been together for over a year. We also live with one another. Typically he is a wonderful partner and who I want to spend my life with. However.
A pattern that has been going on for months now is that when we have an argument and I say “well I’m going to bed” he refuses to let me sleep. Or if I fall asleep he purposefully wakes me up over and over again. Or refuses to stop talking and muttering and if I get up and try to go sleep on the couch he follows me.
This is really upsetting to me and he knows this. I have said in no uncertain terms that purposefully fucking with my sleep is not ok and a major red flag and the breaking of an important boundary to me. Every time it happens he apologizes the next day and says it will never happen again.
But it continues to happen every few weeks and I’ve noticed it happens more often when I have friends in town visiting. My best friend refuses to come visit me anymore because the last two times she came to town, my bf argued with me and then refused to let me sleep until I was crying and yelling, begging him to leave me alone. It was humiliating.
Last night I had another friend in town and lo and behold it happened again. Truth be told I don’t even remember what the initial point of friction was but once again it happened. This time was different however. Usually when this happens I end up being able to fall asleep at like 3am. But last night my partner kept me up literally all night long. The sun came up. I went to sleep in my car and he followed me outside. I got zero sleep and I’m a barista who had to be at work at 7am. He knew this. He knew the one thing I needed was sleep and he refuses to let me.
I cannot take this anymore. I grew up in an abusive household and watched my dad to the same thing to my mom. He knows what he’s doing and pushes and pushes until I feel crazy and blow up, at which point he calls me “mean” and victimizes himself.
I love this man with my whole heart and I do not want to leave him. But I simply don’t know what to do. I have already laid out my boundaries and triggers and all I ask of him is to respect that yet he does not. Yet I’m the one being called a jerk. He is usually the kindest most loving thoughtful partner but when it comes to this it’s like some sort of compulsion for him. I don’t want to leave him but I feel like I’m going crazy.
Has anyone else experienced something similar and is there a way to salvage this relationship?
42 comments
You are still living in an abusive household. Your boyfriend is abusing you.
Your boyfriend isn’t kind and loving. He’s cruel, mean, and he’s abusing you.
If you really have boundaries and he keeps violating them, make your boundaries actual boundaries and leave.
Loving someone isn’t enough to stay in an abusive relationship.
This is abuse. You’re being abused. Tell him “You are being an abusive partner and I am done with this. If you even think about pulling that shit again, I will leave you. No sorries, no excuses, no second chance. It’s over. I will not allow you to abuse me anymore.” And stick to it. Soon he’ll be physically pulling you out of bed.
This is abuse. He is not a kind person – except maybe when everything is exactly as he wants. But otherwise, he doesn’t care about you. He has demonstrated that he doesn’t care what you need and will ignore all your boundaries just so he can punish you. Love yourself more than you love this man and ask your friends to help you move out. Don’t tell him where you’re going.
I just want to add – is this the future you see for yourself? Your health (physical and mental) being at the mercy of some abusive man? The future is now – don’t think that he will change. It’s been months and the behavior has not improved and has actually ramped up. Don’t decide to be with someone based on what you hope they will be like in the future – decide based on who they are now. Choose yourself.
Look into covert narcissism – this might be what is going on. Also, I would not recommend salvaging this relationship. He is already making you feel crazy. This won’t improve. You’re 27 – you have your whole life ahead of you. There are truly kind people out there – leave this one to make space in your life for that kind person.
You may love Him wholeheartedly but He doesn’t love or respect You the same way.
OP: My boyfriend is so wonderful and loving and sweet!!!
Also OP: Writes three paragraphs describing how said boyfriend is literally torturing her with sleep deprivation and detailing how he is slowly isolating her from all her friends (ie: her support system).
OP, you are being abused. Right now, it’s just the sleep thing. But the minute this man gets the last of your support system to run away from you, he’s going to get worse. Get out. I know it isn’t easy, but you need to leave.
This is abusive behavior. Next time he does it, tell him to leave the house and go to his parents or a friends house. If he won’t leave, book a hotel yourself.
“is there a way to salvage this relationship?”
That’s clearly up to him, he’s the one ruining it.
Honestly, how do you still love someone like that? Sleep is sacred, and you’ve made that very clear.
I would say leave. Only a lunatic does that kind of shit.
If you gotta beg in the middle of the night crying for them to stop anything, they ain’t the one lol
I was in this for four years. He did this to me for four years, and would get even more upset when I was too tired to function as a human being, if I fell sleep watching a movie from being so tired he’d get mad at me for it (I’ve actually had to work on this in my current relationship because I’d get mortified when I’d fall asleep). Leave. I loved my ex too, but my physical/mental/emotional state was completely destroyed from this kind of behavior
You understand sleep deprivation is a torture tactic, right? He’s torturing you.
It’s a giant red flag and abuse. Sleep deprivation is used as torture and can’t be researched anymore because it’s so unethical. My ex did that to me and he was also abusive in a lot of other ways. Believe me, you do not want to wake up to cold water being thrown on you, him with your phone, unlocked and snooped, in his hand and get accusations of cheating that did not happen. Then next time also a black eye. Run if you have any self respect left.
I am willing to bet if you look deeper you’ll find other abusive things he does that appear more subtle. When a man pushes and disrespects boundaries he has control issues and it’s often a pattern.
Please stop loving this man with all your heart. Please start hating him with all your energy. Let’s sum up:
– He’s applying on you a well known form of literal torture that is called sleep deprivation. It was used against war prisoners to break their will and reveal enemy plans in war. It’s used by totalitarian, dictatorship governments. And this guy is using this on you in the “safety” of your own home? F that noise. He’s making your home, that should be your sanctuary, the place of your torture.
– He’s isolating you from your friends. They already don’t want to be around because how bad HE is.
– He’s putting your employment at severe risk. If you lose your job, and are unable to find another one because of how sleep deprived you are, you will be at his mercy and abuse will severely escalate.
It doesn’t matter that he fakes being nice. That’s how he keeps you in his house and not wanting to leave. He knows what he’s doing. He’s on a path to break your will, scare away your friends and leave you unemployed. I’m so sorry. It’s not your fault, it’s his
Please read this free book. The totality of it [https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Withholding sleep is literally a method of torture and you need to get out of this relationship as fast as you can.
This is not someone complimenting your life. This is misery and abuse. I wouldn’t tell him your plans about moving. Your boyfriend presents as erratic .
Op you are in an abusive relationship. I know you grew up with it. It’s time to break the cycle. You laid down your boundaries now it’s time to stick to them. Tell him you don’t want to be together anymore and move out. I would say try therapy first except when it comes to abuse.
That’s a drop dead deal breaker and no one should stay and try to work that out. You’re very young and I know that it is going to hurt but you need to get out. I saw a quote that said, “We will never see things as they are until we stop trying to see them for what we want them to be.” Take a step back and really look at how he treats you.
You deserve someone who treats with love, respect and dignity even when you argue.
Your boyfriend is abusing you by refusing to let you sleep and trying to isolate you from your support network. Leave.
If it happened twice with a friend present
My friend wouldn’t let me stay in such an abusive relationship
He’s actually torturing you. Leave this monster.
So….he’s isolating you, using sleep deprivation to break you down and intentionally antagonizes you.
You’re in an abusive relationship one that is like what you grew up with. There is no salvaging this. You need to get out but then you need to get support to not only help you heal, but also to process your childhood trauma so you can end the cycle of abuse.
Wasn’t lack of sleep a torture/interrogation method at some point?
I’m pretty sure refusing to let someone sleep is a torture method prohibited by the Geneva convention. Just saying.
You are in an abusive relationship. You can’t salvage it because he wants to abuse you. He’s doing it deliberately.
He is using these fights to isolate you from your friends while also breaking you down with sleep deprivation (torture technique).
You need to find a way to safely exit this relationship with the help of a local domestic violence center and you need to read *Why Does He Do That?* by Lundy Bancroft (there are free PDFs of the book available online; someone may have linked it already).
Please take care of yourself, because he won’t unless he’s love-bombing you (and that’s never sincere or sustained).
He is being abusive. Sleep deprivation is used for torture and interrogation. You are being abused, him following and not letting you be is blaring siren red flag. What he’s doing is malicious, you need to make steps on moving forward without him. He’s isolating you from friends and family, you need to get away.
I was so sleep deprived when my daughter had breathing problems that I attempted to unalive myself. Your boyfriend is torturing you and knows how dangerous what he is doing to you is. Break the cycle of abuse and leave him. You will look back 5 years from now and appreciate the guts you had to leave him.
A man who truly loves you would NEVER cause you this kind of pain.
Leave him. This is abuse and he will NOT stop- the proof is that he’s broken counseled promises to.
I’d leave while he’s gone with all my stuff packed and block him on everything.
No matter what he promises you, don’t believe him because he’s lying and will continue to mistreat you
You need to leave this relationship ASAP. This is isolating and abusive behavior, especially since there is a pattern.
You living the same life as your Mom. Being abused and not respected. That is not love. Just what you know because you grew up with it. Leave this abusive relationship and get therapy.
Your boyfriend is an abusive, pathetic dickhead. Sleep deprivation is quite literally a form of torture.
Leave him and *never* look back.
Want a good night’s sleep? Easy get in your car and drive the fuck away. Don’t stay with a controlling asshole.
So, sleep deprivation is considered a form of torture. He’s torturing you for paying attention to your friends over him when they visit. I guarantee it. Not only that, but I bet you he’s using his knowledge of your abusive upbringing to further torture and control you. You need to pack up and leave as soon as it’s safe. Go somewhere where you’ll have support and you’ll be safe. Reread what you wrote here and pretend it was an email sent by a close friend. What would you say to them? There’s your answer.
I had this experience when I was much younger. At the time I was 15(f) and my partner was 18(m) – in hindsight that was already a problem, but at 15 I was just so flattered that someone liked me!
He used to pick arguments about stupid things, like if I went swimming with friends after school and didn’t ‘ask’ him first. He would keep me up on the phone crying all night so that I was too tired to go to school the next day and see the friends who would tell me that I was better without him. It’s in isolation tactic. He wants you to himself and he wants to control when you can sleep – you can sleep when you agree with him. In the end, it’s easier to just agree so that you can sleep I bet? It won’t get better. He won’t change. It will never be his fault and it will always be because of how much he loves you (bullshit). He will say that he will change, he might even mean it when he does say it, but that doesn’t change his behaviour. He’s proven that. He needs therapy and I’d advise you break all ties and maybe even talk to someone about it to work through how he’s made you feel as it isn’t your fault. It’s emotional abuse. Whether he intends it or not (he definitely does) he still does this repeatedly knowing the effect that it has on you and seems to get some form of satisfaction from this. That’s quite sadistic.
(My parents had no idea it was as bad as it was because I hid this very well at the time, they would think I was in bed and didn’t know I was on the phone etc. I felt the need to hide it because in my gut I knew something wasn’t right)
It’s not a boundary if you’re not enforcing it. It’s a request and requests can be denied. Abusers see requests as challenges. Make this a boundary and enforce it. You are being abused, please stay safe.
This is abuse. Don’t waste your time. Sleep is a basic need. Basic needs are respected by loving, good partners.
He says it will never happen again and then he does it again?! So he knows it’s wrong. And he still does it. He has issues.
It’s not even a quick outburst like if he randomly screamed and stopped himself. He even has to KEEP doing it throughout the night to keep you awake. You were CRYING and YELLING. When he does this, he makes the active decision to keep you awake. Despite the fact that this hurts you, he knows it hurts you, and ya’ll have communicated he shouldn’t be doing this.
Can you imagine depriving your partner of sleep as much as he has? Despite all resistance. Despite communication. Despite knowing better. Despite yelling and crying.
He followed you OUTSIDE?! To your CAR?! This is psychotic! This is scary.
Please protect yourself! He is NOT a safe person.
And honestly. Please leave him if you know you should. You can love him, but honestly maybe from a distance. (Or honestly lose that love all together if that feels right. Hate him if you need to.) Above all here, you should not endanger yourself. And you deserve a partner who cares more about you than this. I promise you better people exist out there.
And also remember that comfort and safety is often better than a harmful relationship that is hurting you (no relationship vs bad relationship). I promise that you can be healthy, comfortable, and fulfilled outside of a relationship. You can be comfortable with friends, family, and in solitude. The grief of a breakup will pass, even if it is scary or heartbreaking.
This is abuse. I’m sorry. This is cruel. Intentionally cruel. Sadistic.
And please don’t be too hard on yourself as you come to this realization. We are all human and we are learning. It is especially hard to recognize abusive relationships if that’s what you grow up in and that’s what you know. To know what is normal, not normal, okay, and way past “okay”.
It’s important now to learn how to recognize when you are being hurt. To prioritize your well-being, your health and your happiness. To know when to stop tolerating things. This is not okay.
These are ideas you can reflect on after your relationship, too, if you need. Therapy, journaling, etc. Maybe even research on abusive vs healthy relationships, CBT, etc.
Sleep deprivation is torture, and it’s forbidden by the Geneva convention. Kick this asshole to the curb.
Who gets in arguments this often and believes their relationship is good?
Get out. Get out now before this gets worse and believe me it WILL GET WORSE. He is a monster.
I didn’t read past the title but that is honestly abusive & actually torture (a legitimate torture method)
Common abuse tactic.
He’s isolating you and torturing you. Depriving a partner of sleep is a common tactic for abusers as it wears you down and the mental toll makes you doubt yourself and so easier to manipulate. Get out and get out now. Unfortunately growing up in an abusive home means you are more likely to be on an abusive relationship