My (28f) husband (33m) has changed his views on sex halfway through our relationship and I don’t know how to cope. Physically and emotionally. My husband has never dated before we met. I’m his “one and only”. I was younger than him when we started dating so we didn’t have sex the whole first year we were together and he never asked about it once. I always assumed it was because he was a real gentleman, and even though he is, I now believe is because he didn’t want sex anyways. We started having sex and it popped off for about 3-4 years. We did it all the time, but then it just kind of trailed off. Now we only do it like once every 2 months and I have to act on it EVERY time. I have to initiate sex every single time we do it, and he doesn’t really seem into it. So, even though my sex drive is sky high, I feel gross about coming onto him physically because I feel like I’m not respecting his sexual preferences. But I feel like I’m going crazy. I can’t live like this. My marriage is perfect in every single way. We have a lovely home, jobs, and family. But he is so repulsed by sex that I don’t even like him knowing I have sex toys that I use almost daily because I feel like he would think I’m gross because “all I do is think about sex”.
I have even suggested an open marriage and he told me I need to get help because I wanna step out on my marriage from my “sex obsession.”. It isn’t like I am a freak for wanting to have sex with my husband. Idk what to do.
36 comments
First of all, sorry to hear that. It definitely sounds like something you should talk to a therapist about if you can’t have a deep conversation about your needs and wants. You shouldn’t be embarrassed to use toys or whatever you need to get yourself off if the sex isn’t there.
Never let anyone shame you for having a sex drive just as he would not want to be shamed for being asexual. IMO – He has very literally changed one of the core understandings and expectations in your relationship. He should absolutlely be open to discussing you fulfilling your sexual needs elsewhere. Your need/right for a fulfilling sex life is as real as his right to be disgusted by sex.
r/deadbedrooms
I’m assuming you have already but have you stressed how much this is weighing on you? Sex is about more than just pleasure, it’s a huge amount of intimacy and that’s something that sounds like it could be lacking
Never let anyone – especially your husband – make you feel shame for having sexual desires. You don’t attempt to shame him for being a eunuch, do you? Of course you don’t. So don’t let him call you gross or ‘sex obsessed’.
But he’s not going to change, so you need to decide what you can live with going forward, and what you can’t.
I think the repulsion part is key. I’m with someone who is asexual as well but not repulsed so it’s a different situation. If they are truly repulsed then the only suggestion is therapy or end it due to incompatibility.
Get his testosterone levels checked. TRT could really body his drive.
Tell him that if sex isn’t important then he should be fine with you doing something so unimportant with someone else.
Have to talked to the people in r/Asexualpartners ? There lots of Ace/Allo relationships there and they may be able to help give advice.
Well he needs a therapist. There is nothing wrong with you. He should find someone that matches him sexually then. Get out now because you are going to do something or begin to despise him. Too many times people don’t match sexually and then it hits.
You know the answer.
F48 Yeah , I can totally relate to you bc my husband tries to shame me too. It’s not cool and it really pisses me off and makes me resent him. I realize that he isn’t gonna change bc each time I try to talk to him about my wants he gaslights me. Or makes it seem like it me that’s the problem. I stand with you.
I would try to go to a therapist together. Usually sex isn’t happening because someone feels pressure either in sex or in life in general. If he isn’t wanting to fuck, there’s a reason even if he doesn’t know it.
I would go to deadbedrooms it’s a fear mongering place imo.
Well the only suggestion I can give is to talk about it with him, and if he’s gonna drop the topic (not taking it seriously) – demand couple theraphy.
If he wouldn’t want to go to see therapist with u, and chasing any change in your sexual life, then I would suggest to think about if you want to spend your life with someone, who don’t want to have sex with u.
Well ,unless it’s a medical condition or something he can’t control, you should not suffer through a major part of life, either be happy or be miserable, it’s on you, myself would make it clear that if he ain’t going satisfy you somebody else would be glad to. That’s me tho. He needs to secure his relationship or somebody will. FACTS HAPPENS EVRYDAY
My wife is ace and she tends to be the one who has to initiate it because unless I outright say let’s fuck she won’t understand
He is shaming you for something completely normal. Do NOT let him do this.
You really need to just get a divorce
I was in the same situation and I lasted 20 years before I broke.
And believe me when I said I broke.
I’m still trying to heal. To believe someone will want me
DonT let this happen to you.
The perfect man who doesn’t want sex….is a friend. Not a husband. Not a lover.
Don’t stay in this. It won’t be worth it
Sorry to hear that. Sometimes, couples are just not sexually compatible. It happens. Intimacy comes in many forms and he should respect what you desire, as much as you respect his way of bonding time. Being with someone you are not sexually compatible with will eventually lead to frustration, heartbreak, and bitterness. None of which are good for your mental health. After conversing with him, if he still doesn’t not take actions, you need to decide if this arrangement is good for you.
Has he flat out said he’s repulsed by sex? What does he say when you bring this up?
Y’all obviously have different needs, and neither of you should be shamed for them. If you’re not happy, you’re not happy; if y’all can’t find a compromise, then this relationship is doomed to become a cesspool for resentment.
I am an asexual husband, and I know how difficult it can be to be in a relationship with someone who has different sexual needs. Your husband is wrong to suggest that you are the problem. He needs help, not you. In fact, both of you need help if you want your marriage to continue.
No one can make him more sexual, but you may be able to learn how to work around the problem. This will require him to realize that he has been gaslighting you, apologize, and acknowledge his role in the problem. He will also need to be willing to stretch his boundaries to meet your needs. Women have done this for thousands of years to meet their partners’ needs. Of course, it is easier for women because men cannot force their bodies to have sex when they do not want to.
Ultimately, you will need to decide what is most important to you. It is perfectly legitimate to leave your husband if your needs are not met, especially if he is not willing to try.
It is also possible that your husband is afraid and hates himself for the way he is. He may be projecting these feelings onto you. If this is the case, he may not even understand why he is behaving the way he is.
If you want to try to save your marriage, I recommend that you both seek counseling. A therapist can help you to communicate more effectively and to understand each other’s needs. They can also help you to develop strategies for dealing with the challenges of being in a mixed-sexuality relationship.
r/DeadBedrooms
You will find your people here. Start reading other posts, there’s lots of good information and advice in there.
It’s happening to me but reverse genders, I love my girlfriend and I feel like she loves me, but she is so uninterested about sex.. taking, jokes, images, videos… She seems either annoyed about it or just find it “too much”… We are both virgins and never tried penetration because she has vaginismus and I lost my erection twice because of overthinking about hurting her… I fucking desire her… But she’s like in other reality… I’ve talk this with her but we end up discussing every time, she says I make her feel useless… It’s so difficult to be in a relationship with someone you love but different needs…
Just want say that I can relate to this. My wife doesn’t understand that her lack of interest and participation in our sex life makes me feel as though approaching her sexually is wrong in some way. I haven’t found many people that can relate directly to that sentiment.
38yo here with same age wife and 6yo/4yo.
Sex is like sauce. It makes your food so much more palatable but u can’t just have sauce for meals without any food. I’d echo what some have advised here to go speak to a counsellor or professional of some sort.
Personal experience: we used to think sauce only is OK until we worked on the food part. Now we are communicating deeper (pun intended) on every level. I don’t know how to explain it, but it just feels so meaningful even if it’s as simple as asking if she wants a cup of tea. In the bedroom, we still fuck as intensely as we did when we were still dating but not as frequent. But damn if I knew my wife had sex toys, our bedroom dynamics would change a lot (for the better)!
Has he had his testosterone levels checked? His behaviour sounds very similar to low T levels.
I think ladies now understand how is it hard to men live without sex.
You’re not a freak. Please don’t let him convince you that you are. It’s perfect normal to want to have sex with your husband.
Has your husband had his testosterone levels checked out? If he has and they’re fine, or he refuses to then honestly I don’t think there is a solution to this problem.. you need to either accept that this is your lot in life, or you need to leave.
Get a guy who wants sex as much as you want.
Life is waaaay too short to live like that.
Btw I’m a guy(23) myself.
This is a fundamental incompatibility
And quite unfair to you.
Tough situation. My sympathy.
No one can decide your sex life is over. (If he’s sick or injured that’s differen). But to just lose interest is ordinary.
Put it to him that once a week isn’t an obsession, it’s bare minimum.
I was told I wanted it too much and shamed for my sexual desires as well. Turns out he was gaslighting me cause he was cheating. It may be different in your case, but I doubt he’ll change. At the very least you are sexually incompatible..move on or live in a dead bedroom.
>asexual marriage
I’ll pray for you
Has he been evaluated by a urologist? It’s incredibly rare for any man his age to have such a low desire, especially if it hasn’t always been this way.
Go to a good uro and get these checked:
Testosterone, Estradiol, Prolactin, SHBG, free test, TSH.
My wife and I had frequent good sex for many years and suddenly my libido sank like a rock. I could go months without sex and had zero desire. Felt asexual. Well, turns out I have a prolactinoma which is a brain tumor causing high prolactin and low testosterone. Got on treatment, and we basically fuck every day now. Make sure your husband is fit (less than 20% body fat), works out 3x a week minimum, doesn’t have diabetes, eats well, sleeps well (sleep apnea can cause low T!)
If it isn’t something medical – is everything else good? Did you or he gain weight, lose attraction, have big fights, cheating, anything like that? I think the part I don’t like about your post is his dismissiveness of your needs, and ignoring that he is acting abnormal for your marriage and for a man his age. My wife is the lower drive in our relationship and never pressured me for sex, but I knew for myself it was abnormal and something needed to be done. If he doesn’t see it as a problem and everything else is fine relationship and emotional wise- perhaps he pulled the old switcharoo on you. A lot of people do in marriage unfortunately. Present one way, then settle into their natural way. Still, I think it’s highly unnatural and likely unhealthy for a guy his age to feel this way. So I would seriously look into it.
Listen OP, you gotta push it. My wife and I have been together 10 years and we have better and more frequent sex than when we were dating even. Peaks and valleys are normal to a degree with the flow of life, but if you need sex more often than 2 months it’s not sustainable long term. You’re not a freak, you’re super normal for wanting to be with your husband, and often.
Hi, asexual here (ik nsfw page, but not all of us are completely sex repulsed or against having sex).
If he is asexual that’s not something that can be worked out in therapy. HOWEVER if he is repulsed by any sexual act from anyone & judges any other persons sexual act (emg. Calling it gross), that is not normal and is a problem.
Although therapy won’t make your husband sexual, he needs to work on his attitude. He’s completely dismissing your needs in a relationship and it’s impacting your mental health. Bring this up in a polite way, let him know you’re not judging him for his asexuality BUT you are judging him for how he treats/views your sexuality, and that his attitude towards your sexuality needs to change.
I’m sorry to say this but if he continues to insult your sexuality & call your needs gross or sex obsessed, I don’t think staying in the relationship with him will be beneficial for you. It will greatly impact your self-esteem and you deserve better!!
Something is definitely wrong. Don’t know if he’s not as attracted Anymore. Or, no offense did you gain weight etc? But something is wrong. He should want you or at least want head. Every guy wants that much at least. Have a serious sit down. He needs to know this is important in a relationship. You have needs to ( and I’m a guy). Hope he’s not having an affair. If he won’t talk as for counseling. I missed my wife’s early sex drive. Long story short we divorced. Hang in, there’s nothing wrong with your drive. It’s a good thing.
Do not feel gross. That’s your husband, y’all shared vows…..u OWN him. Make him satisfy your needs.