I, like many others, made some dumb financial decisions when I was younger and graduated college with a BS in Mechanical Engineering and 130k+ in student loan debt. This is something I have been embarrassed of ever since, and the only person who knows about the situation other than me is my dad. Not even my mom knows the extent of it.
I am 28 now, and struggled with paying for this 5 years ago when I was right out of college. Now I have higher income at around $105k/year and for the past three years I have been comfortably paying about $900 a month towards my loans.
I have refinanced my loans previously and have the interest rate below 4%, to the point where there is a financial argument to be made that investing would have a greater return than paying these off aggressively (that topic is separate from this post). My budget also allows for about ~$1,500/mo to go into saving after paying my rent, minimum on loans, bills, and some discretionary spending. So all and all, I feel like I have my finances in a decent spot given the circumstances.
That being said, I recently singed a lease with my girlfriend of four years, so things are definitely getting more serious. We move in together at the beginning of August. Previously we hadn’t discussed finances in too much detail. I know how much money she makes, what she pays for rent, and some general spending habits, but no hard details.
When we were looking at apartments, we agreed on a budget for rent that we both felt was comfortable for us, without going into details on monthly finances. After signing the lease, I asked her if we should talk about finances in more detail and she said that we should give it a year of living together before getting super serious about finances and long term goals. She feels she knows the basics of my finances like income, rent, and general spending, is enough for now. Right now the plan is to just make sure we can afford our contributions to the rent/apartment.
What I am trying to get at is she has never specifically asked about any debts or student loans, which for this reason, plus embarrassment over my debt, is why I haven’t told her. She knows I have student loan debt, but I haven’t given her the actual number. I know she also has some herself, but based on how she has talked about it I know it is not nearly as much as mine.
I feel like I made a big mistake by not just ripping the band-aid off and telling her about my debt before we signed the lease. I am concerned that now when I tell her it could be a red flag about ruin our four year relationship.
I really want to tell her to get it over with, but I am scared that it might be a deal breaker for her and then we’d have a year long lease that we signed together to deal with.
My other option would be to wait a year until the lease is about to be up, to give her a more immediate out where we can choose to not resign the lease, but I think waiting longer to tell her could cause its own set of issues.
Should I tell her about this ASAP? Or wait until the lease is up in a year so she has an out if it is a deal breaker for her?
TLDR: I have 100k in student loan debt and am about to move in with my girlfriend of four years. How and when do I tell her about this?
Edit: Thank you all for the (mostly) helpful responses! I’ve decided I’m just gonna rip the band-aid off and tell her the next chance I get. Unfortunately that won’t be till likely Monday to Tuesday due to our schedules. Will provide and update afterward for anyone curious!
36 comments
You only must discuss this before combining finances like getting married, but without giving the total of the loan itself, it might be better to simply discuss it in terms of monthly budget.
Frankly, and i’m absolutely not advocating for lies-by-omission or hiding big issues until they are explicitly brought up, I dont think you need to tell her about it right now. She knows you have student debt, great. You sound like you’re handling them very responsibly, and that you’re capable of paying for your lifestyle (and your joint lifestyle when you move in together) and if she’s explicitly said “lets not get into details right now” then i think you’re doing great as far as transparency. You’re being exactly as transparent as you two agreed to be.
I like to think if any amount of debt were a dealbreaker for her, she would have said that.
Anyway i also think that you should feel like you can tell her if you think it’s a big deal. “Hey i know you didn’t want to get into the nitty-gritty of our finances until further down the road, but this has really been eating at me and i’m worried it’ll upset you if you find out later. All of my finances are in order and i’m 100% able to handle the costs of living together and i’m obviously committed to pulling my weight in our shared household. But i do have a higher-than-average student loan debt and i have a lot of shame about it and it feels like something i want you to know about. So it doesn’t change anything about the finances we’ve talked about, it doesn’t change anything about how our joint living situation will be handled, i’m saving money and paying a big chunk of my payments every month and i’m financially stable, it just feels like something that i, as we join households, wanted you to be aware of.”
You know?
Also– it really sounds like you’ve got your shit together in terms of repayment, etc. I know debt feels overwhelming, especially when it’s a large amount, but i dont think yours is astronomical, and since you’re comfortably living your life while having funds to pay toward it and funds to save, i am not sure why you are so upset about it. I do understand the looming UGH of having student loan debt. But you’re in a VERY similar position to a LOT of people and it sounds like you’ve got your legs under you in a way that not everyone else does. So i dont think this needs to eat at you the way it’s eating at you.
If its weighing heavy enough on you, i think you can mention it to your girlfriend like i said above (while assuring her you have been upfront and honest about the parts of your finances you HAVE discussed) but if she is unconcerned enough about your debt to have a dont-ask-don’t-tell outlook on it, i dont think you’re doing anything wrong or scummy by not giving her a precise dollar amount. Truly.
You’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about, you’re in good company and did nothing wrong. Tell her as soon as you can because it’s obviously weighing on you. It’s not scandalous or anything. You didn’t commit a crime you went to school in our fucked up society.
You need to disclose it when you are thinking about marrying or joining money.
My husband has similar loan and I did ask him when we started to talk about marriage. We actually paid it off this year with my saving mostly tbh. Either way the amount is not an issue for everyone but rather disclosing it / hiding it. You are not really hiding it now but I would tbh just tell her she will find out eventually.
Financial infidelity is one of the top reasons for divorce tbh.
You have nothing to be ashamed of – our entire society has been telling people to do EXACTLY what you did for decades and insisting the payoff is worth it. There’s no shame – and hey, you still got a good degree!
However, you WILL have something to be ashamed of if you continue to conceal this. Moving in together is probably the last reasonable stop on the line to have this conversation before it truly counts as hiding something, so take advantage of the situation and come clear.
I’m sure it will not be as big a deal to her as it is to you right now – but if it is, it’s her right to be able to respond to that information however she wishes, and keeping it from her is really a denial of agency.
You sound like you have a decent head on your shoulders, and you absolutely can make this debt go away with some luck and continued good decisions. Don’t let it become your albatross.
Also (I know this is more /r/personalfinance material as you said but I can’t help myself) I would think carefully before you decide “there is a financial argument to be made that investing would have a greater return than paying these off aggressively…”
Sure, you could likely do better on the stock market from a straight returns POV BUT this kind of debt could pose a real obstacle to getting a mortgage, which might be very important if things continue to go well with your GF. Knowing nothing else about your situation, if I was in your shoes I would absolutely prioritize paying that down over investing (outside of 401k/tax-deferred contributions).
She knows you have loans, and you have them under control. I really don’t think it should be that big of a deal.
Think of it this way – if you liquidated everything and started living extremely skinny, how long would it take that debt to disappear? Even just the 1500 a month that’s currently going into savings would make a dent quickly.
Here’s the thing, you offered to talk finances with her, and she said she felt like she knew enough for now. So that’s that. As long as you are able to pay your agreed upon share of the lease and pay off your loan, I don’t really think there’s a problem. Since it’s bothering you so much though, you might just want to tell her anyways.
They are student loans, nothing to be scared or embarrassed about. Now if they are credit cards different story. And you don’t need to disclosed anything to her about the loans until you guys start talking about marriage, buying a house, combining finances and so forth.
As long as you are able to pay your share of the living expenses while paying off your student loans, she probably shouldn’t panic. Student loan debt is common. However, if you don’t disclose your debt, she may see that as lying by omission had that you’re keeping secrets from her. If your relationship has progressed to the point of moving in together, it should have progressed to the point where you discuss finances honestly.
Should I tell her about this ASAP?
Yes! Have the full financial conversation, now
Coming from experience with this (my ex husband had a large amount of student debt as well) TELL YOUR SO ABOUT IT. My ex was scared I wouldn’t want to be with him because of the debt and honestly if I had known the extent of it a lot of different decisions would have been made. I’m STILL not sure how much he has (obviously not my problem anymore), and the fact that even years into our relationship he wouldn’t come clean with it was always a very sore spot for me because he struggled to pay it off and struggled even more once we were married because the “income based repayment” plan he was on made him include my income as well. Obviously you’ve said you’re comfortable paying it now, but your SO needs to know your situation because anything can happen and if somewhere down the line it becomes more burdensome it will be worse news to hear THEN.
Wow dude, you just gotta tell her and it should have been before you signed anything with her
Honestly if my partner told me this but followed up with everything you just said, I’d be super impressed and it wouldn’t bother me. You have a solid game plan and you’re making moves on it, you make good money and still save a lot. Nothing at all to be embarrassed about. You’re doing everything right.
100k in student loans is normal. You can’t be faulted for being part of a generation that is being fucked over by previous ones. If you went to school to be a dentist or a doctor you’d likely have 300-500k in student loan debt. I was fortunate enough to be able to pay for my full undergrad program and only took out loans for my grad school program and I still ended up with 90k in debt. Student loan dept is extremely normal for people of your generation. You should just be honest and upfront about it. Barely anyone is going to college today and not acquiring debt.
What’s a red flag about debt? You took out loans to pay for college and you’re actively paying them back not looking for a handout, nothing to be embarrassed about there. I know Engineering students graduating with 200-250k+ of debt
You need to tell her ASAP.
It’s not *that* complicated a conversation. It shouldn’t be embarrassing, but you do need to tell her ASAP, otherwise, it’s a landmine. Defusing it is the kindest thing you can do for both of you. And it makes future, honest conversations possible.
She has expressed she thought it was better to wait a year, and you can and should respect that.
What you need to express is the stress and confusion that agreement has created for you. Waiting a year to share this piece of information with her, is stressing you out.
What you say now is simply “I’m feeling really stressed not having this part of the money conversation: I have a significant amount of student debt. It’s under control, at a very low interest rate, and I am making regular payments. But, I will still have a significant amount of stupid debt in a year, when we do have a more in-depth conversation. This is the kind of debt that I will be servicing for quite a few years more and I’m not comfortable with that being a complete surprise to you at the end of this lease. Do you have any questions, or anything else you’d like to know about that?”
Given what she knows of you so far, there is a fair chance she’ll say Nope. That’s enough. You’re paying it and you got a plan. Good to go.
How in God’s name have you two been together for this long, to the point of *signing a lease together,* with no discussion of financial status/debts/etc? If you are actually serious about this relationship, that’s a conversation that needs to occur ASAP.
You are overthinking this *so* hard right now.
> I asked her if we should talk about finances in more detail and she said that we should give it a year of living together before getting super serious about finances and long term goals.
You offered, she declined, and you already had the “this is what I can afford” conversation at a general level.
More than that, dumping the big ‘100k’ number without context is not productive, and *with* the context of your salary and career earning potential it is not actually a big enough deal to justify accelerating the timeline for discussing it. Also consider that forcing the topic now may put pressure on your GF to discuss her own finances in greater detail than she feels comfortable with at the moment.
It’s 2023, and if you are in the US, having large student loans is exceptionally normal.
If this were my bf I would be like “wow that’s a lot of money” and would still love him and move on. If you have your shit together and haven’t dodged any questions about your debt then she seems like she will understand. Also, OP, pls consider digging into why there is such shame around your education loans. You are not the only one to make this decision and if it helped you get a career then they served their purpose, nothing to be ashamed of. You’re diligently paying them off and sure, maybe you could have gotten a more frugal education but it seems like you’re doing alright for yourself so it wasn’t a waste in any capacity. I think it might serve you in the future if you either let go of your shame on this or find some way to talk it out with your girlfriend. I would feel terrible if my bf was struggling with this internally when the reality of the matter is, I wouldn’t have any negative impression of him if this were the case :(. Give your gf the opportunity to support you here, if you can manage it ofc. Good luck, OP, you got this!!!
Can someone ELI not American why having student loans would possibly be embarrassing?
hey at least when the usual suspects talk shit you can tell them it was for a STEM degree so they can’t pretend that everyone underwater on loans paid $100,000 for an anime drawing degree or whatever else they can conjure up
a $105k/year job with a $130k loan is honestly much better ratio than most people get, and you’ll make more eventually
Idk dude if you’re able to stow away $1,500 after all your expenses including paying off this debt then why would she be upset? I mean in the future should probably mention shit like this sooner cause it does come off as a bit shady but I don’t see why this would be a dealbreaker honestly
M8 if you’re income stable nothing to be afraid of. You’re not 100k drag you’re a 100k in progress 😉
You need to tell her now
At your current rate of 900 a month it’s going to take you almost 10 years to pay it off. Having that big of a loan will affect any type of mortgage you plan to get if your relationship continues. You mentioned paying the minimum on the loan in your post, but honestly it’s better to pay it off sooner than later. Especially since you have so much extra discretionary money to put towards it.
You should tell her sooner than later since it’s going to be a huge time commitment to pay off and that might not match her ideas for her future.
So at this rate you will be paying it off in about 9 years. That isn’t a short period of time so I think it make sense for her to know.
Don’t be scared! I was in your situation until recently. I am about to have 4 degrees, one being a masters and one being a JD. I will be approx 250k in debt from all four. No family help always had scholarships bla bla bla. I was horrified to tell my now husband. But when I did he said wow what a great deal for 4 degrees! You are in a similar boat where your expensive degree is going to keep your income high. Just be honest with her, keep financial planning like you are, and don’t get fired over something stupid! The idea of the conversation is scarier than the conversation I promise.
The debt isn’t a big deal, but I’m trying to figure out how you are spending as a single person $6300 a month on yourself?
If you make 105k a year and 10,800 goes to student loans and 18,000 goes to savings that leaves76,200 (6300) that you are spending a month.
My husband and I together don’t spend that much a month
You’re a mechanical engineer. Congratulations!! You invested in yourself. Many of us had to take out student loans to help with our college and/or grad school and lots didn’t major in a degree that affords a steady income. I wish Sallie Mae sent me a certificate when I finished paying off my loans, because I would have framed it along side my diplomas. This is a non-issue. Be happy.
You need to tell her because the two of you need to learn to communicate openly and often about finances. You need to develop the ability to have a clear understanding of your debts and spending habits as a couple. It is not something to be ashamed of or embarrassed about, but is unfortunately not a topic a lot of people are comfortable with.
You also need a clear understanding of her debts. Some student loans are income driven repayment. If you have that type and she has that type you may decide to postpone marriage until the debt is more manageable. It would be good to plan these things now, so there are no surprises or unmet expectations.
Student loan debt sucks but it sounds like it paid off in terms of career/ and growth from having that degree. 130k is definitely a ton for a bachelors degree, but you got a good job out of it so arguably it’s fine. Just tell her, unless she’s expecting you to bankroll some huge expense, it’s just a part of expense calculations for future stuff otherwise.
Don’t be embarrassed. Pretty much any and everyone who went to college or will go to college will have student loan debt, if their parents didn’t pay for every dime of it.
It is what it is. If she doesn’t have to know then don’t tell her. Her reaction might be like woah, but it’s not something uncommon with people who got a degree.
So I’m really thrifty and hate being in debt. And some debt in a relationship would be a dealbreaker for me. $10K in credit card debt would be a red flag unless there were some major extenuating circumstances. $50K in student debt to be a cosmetologist- not busting on cosmetologists, it just shouldn’t cost that much to get there.
But $130K in student loans to be an engineer making $105K? Honey, that is *normal* in the US. The only way around that is to have rich parents, and I guess you used bad judgment not being born to rich parents but I wouldn’t hold it against you.
This is fine. She’ll be fine. You’re paying it off well.
You clearly have a handle on your finances, I wouldn’t even worry about it. Just tell her and include these details.
100% tell her asap-this is a material piece of information that she doesn’t know about and it will look like you are concealing it even though she did she say to wait. Your relationship is serious enough that you should tell her.
How much do you. have in savings and how stable is your job? If you have 3 months salary in savings and a stable job I would put an extra $1000 a month towards your loans -over a few years you willl save tens of thousands of dollars in interest-right now its highly likely your $900 a month is going almost all to interest and very little (if any) to principal. Make sure the lender allows you to pay extra and have it designated as principal rather than an early interest payment.
Do not invest your additional money right now except maybe in a Roth IRA. Yes, over the long term you will make more in the stock market (assuming you are a financially savvy investor and right now you are not), but over the short term you can lose a great deal. That why I advise a Roth IRA contribution -bc 1) it will help set you up for retirement and 2) it is the quintessential long term investment and 3) huge tax advantages when you do draw down on it.