Need advice with infidelity
I (29 F) have been married to my husband (28 M)for a little over 2 years. I love him dearly and always thought we would have children and a normal (not perfect) but happy marriage and life together. While its never been perfect, I once came upon him messaging female prostitutes for sex in a car or hotel. To me, i can tell he never went through with it. When i confronted him, he was initially mad i snooped (unintentionally), but apologized and I quickly forgave him on the promise he would never do it again. I was heartbroken as i would of never expected him to be the one to commit infidelity. His excuse was i had gained weight and he was drunk/high. I did my best to forgive and move on and promised I would work on my slight weight gain to better my health and our sex life. I never saw any evidence of more infidelity from there on out. Fast forward to more recently, our marriage has been better.. but recently he lost his job and has a lot more time on his hands. I have been working a lot more and he left his phone while out one evening. I opened it (yes i know its bad) but i had a weird feeling and i found that he had been searching on this website like craigslist for mfm postings. Horrified I began reading and realized he set up a fake alternative email and even solicited that he was an amateur looking to suck and be sucked. He also mentioned he was willing to bottom.
I am at a loss for words. Shattered. Heartbroken to the point.. that I don’t know if i can live like this. Not only because of the cheating..but now i have to worry about both sexes.
I confronted him immediately, but kindly and gentle. At first, he was mad and claimed i have ruined our marriage. He eventually apologized and admitted that he knew it was wrong, gross and blamed it on boredom and adderol. I could understand if it was a weird kink. But he went so far as to send photos and message multiple men. I want to make it work. But im having second thoughts if I can do this. He loves me and he doesn’t want to lose me. But i dont want to live always wondering… always thinking im just a cover. I know he doesnt want to live having to constantly cover his ass.
What do i do? I have no one else. I love this man… and i have never wanted a family more. I am getting to a point where I’m almost too old to start all the way over. I thought i knew this man. And now i feel so conflicted. Has anyone gone through this? Is there any advice? Is this marriage repairable?
TLDR: I (29 F) caught my husband (28 M) twice messaging women and now men to meet and hook up. Need advice how to move forward in this marriage.
14 comments
Stop missing. Blam your need for apparently an ocean worth of ammo(for some reason) is now not needed
He’s gaslighting you.
Snooping is wrong, but it doesn’t negate that he has been cheating on you. Even if you never went through his phone and found what you found, he broke his vows to you and he’s putting your physical health at risk by exposing you to STDs. Him pointing the finger at your weight is just him playing off of your insecurity and did not justify his behaviors.
First off, go get yourself tested for any and all STDs/STIs. Secondly get yourself a good divorce lawyer.
Do not try to repair this, do not bother with marriage counseling. He’s not sorry for his actions, he doesn’t want to change, he doesn’t want to acknowledge he’s hurting you, this has been ongoing behavior of his that he isn’t ashamed of (he’s just annoyed that you caught him and are rightfully upset) and not something he addressed the first time he was caught.
You can start over, you’re not too old, but first you need to get your ducks in order. Divorce him, settle your finances, get therapy to address why you let him walk all over you and accepted that you thought you deserved to be cheated on for a little weight gain. You’re going to continue to attract abusers if you don’t address your lack of personal boundaries.
You don’t.
You’re 29. There’s plenty of time to find someone who isn’t blaming *you* for his character flaws.
Get tested for sexually transmitted infections. You have no idea what he’s *actually* been doing.
Blaming cheating or nearly cheating on you gaining weight is a poor excuse. I agree to Shiver, the important thing now is to get tested and take care of yourself both physically and psychologically. And think about the emotional cost of living in doubt, you don’t deserve that, do you? It’s never too late to start over. I had a bad relationship in the past, 14 years of cheating, lying, promising to stop, cheating again, etc., and I know many other similar stories. Deep down you already know where this is going to end.
He blamed his infidelity on you for gaining weight…? Please don’t have children with him based on that alone. The average weight gain for pregnancy is 25 lbs…do you want to be worried about him cheating because you are growing a human? Then he blames an add/adhd med and boredom? Honey, he doesn’t love you. He doesn’t care if he breaks your heart. He only cares about sex with strangers. You are no where near too old to find the man who will value your heart. Please get an std/sti test immediately and plan your escape from this horrible man. Lots of hugs OP.
It is very unlikely he will stop. He just doesn’t have integrity. He is trying to make excuses and blame you. He will make excuses for himself the next time he wants to do it. If you stay, you will eventually get an std. and that will likely ruin future chances at relationships. You may appreciate some aspects of being married to him, but he has proven he is not trustworthy and his excuses and blaming you shows his lack of integrity. My husband and I have open phones and open finances. No reason not to. If your husband agrees to an open phone, he can easily get a second phone or find ways to still hide it from you.
Best option is to leave… if your determined to stay and wanting to find a way to “help” the relationship consider talking to him about a threesome. If he’s really wanting to be bi then let him with the rule that you join him… then your both enjoying things.
i dont think snooping is the worst thing ever specially if its only when theres some bad signs going on. ( i found my ex flirting with her ex 6 months ago. didnt say anything and now im dumped and shes with him)
you have the transparency and he will damage control as much as possible most likely. you can find someone reliable. he is wayy too far gone
Cut your losses now . Be thankful you didn’t end up having children with him . Let him go .
Not repairable. Leave.
I think this marriage is beyond repair. He‘s not only willing to cheat on you, he‘s also gaslighting and blaming you for him being a horrible partner. This is not your fault. You‘re still very young, don‘t waste your time with this man.
> Once came upon him messaging female prostitutes for sex in a car or hotel
What the ^&*$?!! This should have been it. What the hell. You are deep in this so you can’t see how screwed up this situation is, even based on this one thing alone. Get out. Get out and live your happy life!!!
He will never stop, my ex got caught once and just continued to hide it it better. I wasted YEARS of my life hoping he would change and he never did – you’d rather be alone than be with a disgusting person like him
if your husband will not go to marriage counseling, I would suggest leaving him because he probably won’t change. his reasons for seeking sex outside of your marriage are the fault of drinking, etc., but not his fault. this is a huge red flag, not being accountable or taking responsibility for his actions.
i understand you love him, but it’s not a reason to stay. if love is taken out of the equation, you’re left with emotional abuse, lack of trust, possible exposure to std’s, and zero respect from your husband. his moral compass is broken and you’re paying for it. he’s still there because there are no consequences for him.
i suspect you’re self esteem is low at this point (completely understandable) and I would suggest working on it if that’s the case. a strong sense of self worth and the value you place on yourself will tell you exactly what you should do, leave.