My (30M) wife (32F) keeps accusing me of being pretentious about my music taste. She takes offense over it and views it as an attack on her intellect.

48 comments

1. Just share your music with her. My husband listens to weird music and I don’t, and we find things we have in common. I got him into Taylor Swift, he got me into The Mountain Goats. Some areas we don’t overlap. He will never like Garth Brooks, and I will never like Swans.

   Show interest in what she likes instead of just tolerating it, and let her show interest in what you like instead of just assuming she’s too basic for it.

2. Have you talked with her about the issue in the way that you have written about it here? “Sometimes you respond to my music, when I am playing it or talking about it, in ways that make me feel bad for liking what I like. It’s particularly difficult when you accuse me of judging you for your music, or for not liking mine. Can I tell you how these comments feel, on my side? It makes *me* feel judged. It feels like you’re calling me a snob, and I don’t like that you think about me that way. And I makes me totally avoid sharing an important part of me with you.”

3. I mean this sounds like her insecurity speaking, but it’s worth understanding that insecurity in context. As a culture, we tend to minimize the accomplishments of female artists, and not just in music. The culture consumed primarily by women is dismissed and diminished. (e.g., RomComs, a traditionally female-skewing genre, are viewed as fluff).

   Taylor Swift is a huge example of this, by the way. Despite the fact that her songwriting track record can go toe-to-toe with pretty much everybody not named Bob Dylan, it’s trivially easy to find people being dismissive of her work and the audience that appreciates it.

   So my first advice to you would be to just recognize this as a sensitive spot, and try to be forgiving about it. We all have emotional land-mines, sometimes that we’re unaware of. Things where an innocuous statement from somebody can be a major trigger for feelings of anger or resentment. Her music taste is likely one of these, and not because of anything you’ve done, but because she’s a woman who likes pop music who has grown up in the 21st century being told that her musical tastes are trivial.

   My second advice would be to *gently* bring it up in the context of, “hey, you sometimes say mean things about my taste in music,” – and following up with statements making clear you understand the context I explained above.

4. This sounds like she is projecting her own insecurities onto you. You have what she perceives as more sophisticated taste (not that you do just her perception). She feels insecure that she likes something she perceives as unsophisticated and it makes her uncomfortable. So she projects that feeling onto you and perceives you as having the opinion she fears others will have of her

   Tell her in no uncertain terms her mean behavior hurts you. That don’t hate her music and her not liking yours is not in any way a problem. And maybe suggest she should dig into why she gets so mean about it.

5. So talk to her about it the way you have here. She’s clearly insecure and she’s either misinterpreted a comment you made or you said something inadvertently that hurt her. Regardless, you can’t keep on like this and she feels as though she’s being belittled or demeaned (not saying that you ARE doing those things). Perception is reality, after all.

   Talk to her. “I genuinely don’t understand where your belief that I make you feel stupid about your taste in music comes from. I don’t recall ever having said anything to belittle or demean you and if I have, I’m truly sorry. It’s never been my intention to make you feel stupid about anything, especially something like your taste in music. We’re all allowed to like what we like. I told you that you’d hate what I was listening to because I genuinely thought you would, not because I perceive myself to be some puritanical music snob.”

6. I think one thing you can do is instead of telling her you are listening to something she would hate, tell her what you are listening to and let her come to that conclusion herself. Even if she hates it 100% of the time, let her make that choice. Your intentions aren’t bad, but I can see how some people might not like hearing it over and over again.

7. I know this isn’t helpful for you, but I’m *DYING* to know: what kind of “weird” music are we talkin’ here?

8. Idea: get a Karaoke machine to bond together over shitty singing and have some fun, whilst finding music you both enjoy. Reduce the divide and find common ground.

9. This is not a You issue, it’s a Her issue. You’re allowed to like different things. If your favourite colour is red and hers is blue you’re not attacking her. You don’t suddenly hate her if she wears a red dress. Musical taste tends towards being extremely atomised these days once you get outside the mainstream, because it’s so easy to get your shit out there in front of people.

10. Out of curiosity what music are you into?

11. Someone has put this in her head. That only enjoying pop music or actively disliking anything that isn’t popular is ‘low brow’ or ‘low intellect’ I would honestly just ask her who put this in her head and that you don’t feel that way at all. Music, books, art, movies, all of it has always had a societal commentary all throughout history. I’m HS a lot of kids find music as a way to find themselves and therefore only enjoying pop music can come off as ‘superficial’ to people who never grew the fuck up.
    While I agree music tastes can bring people together, it doesn’t have too.
    My husband and I have exactly 2 bands we enjoy together. I like everything from Blink-182 to They Might be giants to Deadsy. He’s a more hardcore emo/dark emotional stuff like I haven’t heard of half the stuff he listens too. Me likening happy silly music and him emotional music doesn’t make him and depressed downer anymore than it makes me a superficial person.

12. Tell me you are a metalhead

13. We’re gonna find out this man listens to nothing but CBAT.

    (Real talk tho I lived the song before that thread and felt so dad when everyone crowned it)

14. so what’s your crazy music?

15. I think maybe you’re actually the insecure one. That is, you say that throughout your relationship you’ve been distant with your music choices because she doesn’t like them, and now try to hide them altogether. You’re sending your wife a strong message of “you can’t handle my music.” All because she hasn’t like what you shared with her. Maybe you can’t handle the judgment you feel with her dislike of your preferred music?

    Stop hiding. Be open about what you like. Work on being on
    Ok if she dislikes it, as long as she’s not trashing it. Also, be open about the pop music saying you like. Don’t just “not turn the radio off” but express pleasure when you feel it.

    I really think your own weird behavior around hiding music is driving this dynamic, and that’s fully in your control, so that’s what I’d focus on.

16. “What are you listening to?” is her trying to reach out and bond with you over something.

    “You wouldn’t like it” is you slamming the door in her face. How is she supposed to feel?? Even if she doesn’t like it, she wants to hear you talk about it and learn something about you. If she’s “insecure”, do you think maybe it’s because of how you treat her?

17. When I was younger I loved sharing my favorite artists and songs with everyone. My tastes back then (and now) were more alternative/grunge/indie/goth with other genres sprinkled in. I would be hyped about a song or an artist and invariably someone would be kind of like yeeeeahhh.. don’t like that. And ngl it stung at first but I realized that everyone likes different things and that’s okay.

    My partner likes some of what I do but he’s mostly neutral about music in general except some stuff he grew up hearing his dad listen to – 70’s type simon and garfunkel music.

    If there’s someone I know that does not like the music I like (including my partner) and they ask me what I’m listening to – I tell them. I don’t dismiss it as oh you wouldn’t like this. I’ve had people do that to me before and it’s obnoxious because it’s an ASSUMPTION that I would dislike it even if it’s from the same genre or artist I said I disliked before.

    Your wife asks you and you SHOULD tell her the artist and song and offer to let her hear it. If she listens to it and dislikes it then that’s okay but let it be HER choice. Don’t decide for her even if you think/feel/are certain you’re right that she will dislike it.

    Apologize to her and work to fix this – her comments in front of her friends are telling and resentment will kill a relationship.

18. It definitely sounds like she’s projecting previous bad experiences she’s had in this area onto you. Or took to heart an offhand comment from years ago and internalized it. Either way I think it’s worth it to sit down and have a real conversation about it. Ask why she feels that way. Explain how you feel when she makes unfair comments like that out of the blue. Hopefully she’ll actually communicate with you about it.

19. Let’s be clear, her accusation of you being pretentious is correct. You are, that is how you have behaved toward her.

    Now, your reason for doing that doesn’t seem to be that you think she’s too dumb to like your music. But it’s easy to see how it might come off that way. I think you need to have an honest, vulnerable conversation with her about this, where you apologize for your previous behavior, promise to be more open in the future, and explain why you acted the way you did.

20. Spill the beans, what are you into? Coltrane? Death grips? Tinariwen??

21. >Another time she got mad at me because she asked what I was listening to and I said it was a song she would hate (bad bad idea) and she said it hurt her feelings that I think’ she isnt smart enough’ for my music.

    >It is not the first time she has felt… irrationally insecure about things. She will be the first to admit that, even if she will hate it if anyone else tells it to her.

    >I am not upset with her about her being irrational or having double standards or whatever, people get like that sometimes when they feel bad about things.

    “My wife gets upset when I inform her of her own opinions and tell her how she feels about things?”

    Maybe that’s the problem?

    “No, it’s fine. And if it upsets her, I just tell her that her feelings are irrational.” 🙃

22. The suspense is killing us! What do you listen to? Side note: my husband and I have actually had a conversation about this. Neither one of us has ever been able to date someone who has completely divergent musical taste. The first time we met, a friend introduced us in my apartment. Husband immediately went over to my vinyl collection and we clicked over the bulk of my collection. We’ve both DJed and now we own and run a venue together. We both individually like some different things but for the most part, our musical preferences align. All of that is to say, I really do believe music and other forms of media like film can potentially make or break a relationship. What you like and dislike says a lot about you. There’s nothing wrong with her enjoying pop music and there’s nothing inherently wrong with you enjoying other things (for the love of jebus, please tell us your musical preferences). Y’all are both still pretty young and both of you are going to do a lot of changing over the years. You both have to decide if you want to allow yourselves to influence one another. One of the best part of being in a relationship is finding out what someone enjoys as well as why they enjoy it. Best of luck my dude. Talk to your wife, set some boundaries about her passive aggressive insecure behavior and don’t allow her reactions to the work you admire cause you to turn away rather than engage with her.

23. Are you sure with your strong love of “weird shit” music that you haven’t given off a whiff of displeasure when she plays what she likes since you always listen to her music but you like music in general a lot more? I don’t think she thinks your behavior is pretentious. My guess is she thinks you think your taste is superior, that you think like the rest of the mainstream world that pop and dance music are inferior to rock and folk and indie whatever. This is something reinforced by society so it would be helpful maybe to make sure she knows that you don’t think your taste is any better than hers (even though secretly I bet you do haha). Play her some more of your music when you find a song that you think she might like, and compliment a song or two of hers that she likes. Share choosing the radio or playing music in the car. There has to be a middle ground with your tastes if you listen to enough together.

24. I didn’t know I sleep write posts on an alternate account. Dude we are the same person with the same problem.

    I have never found a solution and grow tired of hearing how shitty or unliked my music is. It has made me insecure in my music tbh.

25. What are you listening to? Rush?

26. My husband and I created a shared playlist where we each put music on it and we listen to each others music along with our own. However, he and I are pretty much on the same page with music… I still think a shared playlist can help, there is music of my husbands I don’t like and music of mine he doesn’t like, but we listen to it because it’s on the playlist knowing the other person likes it. It kind of reaffirms that we respect each others different tastes and we can still enjoy it together.

27. I think it’s a pretty common thing for people who only listen to pop music to treat those that don’t as pretentious. And just personally I find it very odd that as things are now people who genuinely like music don’t have a look and find it themselves.

    I have found and fallen in love with some of the most amazing artists and side projects recently and they’re all through looking in the right spot. None of it is new. But it’s new to me.

    I flat out have just stopped discussing music with people unless there is an obvious middle ground.

28. I think you really need to sit and have an adult conversation with your wife about the insecurities here. If not I can see both of you fuelling this nothing burger into a full on dumpsterfire. My wife and I are both music nerds in our own ways, and I think our only side eye criteria would be a whale and dolphin call Mashup with a flute section.

29. Please tell me it’s some weird shit like twiabpaianlatd

30. People assume that if a person is very into music, or like obscure artists or niche genres, that we are snobs. But, at least for me, I like most music, and being super into one kind has opened me up to appreciating even more music! Point being, it is a common misconception, kinda like thinking that a foodie never enjoys a late night pizza or that a lit professor never reads a comic or whatever.

31. She sounds insecure about her own music tastes and is projecting onto you. What she thinks about herself is what she is saying you think too.

32. Maybe reach out to her. Find a female artist that you like and think she is unlikely to have heard of or be familar with (Nina Simone, Roberta Flack, The Pixies, Debbie Harry, Billie Holiday, whomever), and invite her to listen with you.

33. It kind of seem like she’s embarrassed about the type of music she listens to nd is preemptively assuming you don’t like it. Not that she should be taking it out on you.

    I know her negative response is discouraging and you don’t want her to make fun of you when she asks what you’re listening to, but try responding slightly more neutrally. Just let her listen without warning her that she won’t like it. If she responds negatively try to show her that how what she perceives as defending her misiic is actually insulting the music you listen to.

    If she has trouble seeing it from your perspective after that I would get a neutral third-party incolved like a therapist with your wife’s consent.

    I don’t want to scare you but resentment for petty shit can make both of you less understanding of each other. You need to nip this in the bud to have a successful relationship.

34. I’m not sure how to judge this. There seems to be come context missing. But like, I like classical music. I just like it. I find Renaissance motets genuinely relaxing. If someone has opinions about me as a result, well, other people’s opinions of me are not my business. I also happen to be a huge fan of Aerosmoth and Metallica. Make of that what you will (If you guessed that I’m a genX kid whose parents are classical musicians and music teachers ,you’re right!)

    And if someone else likes Taylor Swift, that’s their choice and not my business.

    Sounds like OP and his wife both need to calm down but it sounds like that only because of the limited info we have. I also think they’re both too old for this petty BS.

35. Yeah this is her insecurity but she’s playing it out by insulting you. Use your “I” statements and let her know that it kind of hurts your feelings whens she says these things. Cuz that’s the actual stakes here. And either she doesn’t realize how much she’s affecting you and can change it easily, or this is a kind of expression of her own pain and insecurity and THAT needs to be worked on.

    Aside I think its VERY funny that people in the comments are trying to guess what “weird stuff” you’re into and they’re saying bands like Godspeed! and Death Grips that I genuinely thought *were* mainstream pop acts. My notion of “weird music” is like, Victory Over The Sun or Ricardo Villalobos

36. It doesnt help that when she asks what you’re listening to you immediately respond with “something you’ll hate” instead of just a seeing the question. Who does that? Even if your wife is overly insecure that type of response is a ducking terrible way to go about things. I have no doubt your wife has some type of insecurity going on but I also have no doubt the way you answered there is not some isolated event.

    Next time your wife responds irrationally halt the conversation and examine with her why it is that she responded that way. But holy shit don’t be presumptuous about it.

37. I can understand why you would feel discouraged. But as some commenters have said on here, she’s reaching out to you, but you’re rejecting her because she rejected your music taste in the past.

    My husband and I like different types of music. We’ll be playing my music in the car, and he’ll say he doesn’t really like it or it’s too “artsy” for him. I use that as a chance to excitedly talk about why I *do* – maybe the lyrics reference some historical event or the track just hits. Then I ask my husband to share music that he likes. I might hate it but then he’ll explain why he likes it. It’s a nice segue into conversation and you get to know your spouse a bit better.

38. Have her describe what specific pretentious actions you took that you can avoid to not seem pretentious.

    If she can’t come up with a single thing you did and only how she feels about it, ask her to consider that if there’s nothing she can think of you could do better, you can’t think of anything either.

    If she does come up with specific actions she dislikes, great, makes your life easier.

39. The fact OP isn’t telling us exactly what the music he’s listening to us I’m left to assume it’s something avant garde like Phillip Glass or something really eclectic like Mongolian throat singing

40. I’m gonna need to know what bands you like before I can give proper advice (and maybe recommendations)

41. Telling each other they’re going to hate whatever you’re listening to is bad form.

    My tastes are all over the place. Not really a fan of the whole popular pop genre, but I even like some Taylor Swift songs. There’s always exceptions.

    Stop pigeon holing each other, share your music, and enjoy!

42. My mom is the same way, weird things trigger her sense of inferiority and she lashes out in nasty and/or passive aggressive ways. And when you call her on it she plays dumb. It’s a super frustrating situation. Just remember it’s her insecurities she’s projecting, not anything you’re actually doing except existing.

43. How do you tell me you are a Tool fan without mentioning Tool?

44. I wonder if one of the layers of this insecurity is that she wants to celebrate her music with you and maybe wants to find common ground there. She has probably been making bids to this effect for a while and you’ve missed them or she’s not good at making them.

    Could the two of you attend one of her concerts together? Or maybe make some local live music dates? Would she like it if you took dancing lessons together? I’d recommend bringing those up (but not during an argument on this topic because it’ll sound like you’re only doing it to appease) and see where it goes.

    There’s probably much more to it here though, maybe she feels belittled by you in other aspects of life. Maybe it isn’t you at all but some larger aspect of her place in the world and how everyone treats her that she’s projecting onto you. (but don’t belittle her further by saying it that way, help lift her up)

45. These matters of taste are the only realm that I leave doubling down on the table. Stick to your guns and *cleverly*, *merrily*, shit on her taste.

    Healthy couples accept these trivial differences about eachother. You are more into music than her, don’t be ashamed.

46. It’s interesting you call her irrational a couple times in this post yet name a few clear examples of your pretentiousness.

    You clearly state you don’t like showing her music you like. You actively avoid music discussions. When she asked you what you were listening to, you shut it down.

    Maybe you don’t mean any harm but you’re a little too comfortable saying she’s 100% the problem. If you’re really into music, you’ve got to be able to share that with your partner. You’re basically shutting her out of a big part of you. As a fellow weird music head, I know that would suck in a relationship.

    You should have a calm talk about it – not in the heat of the moment. Tell her what you said in this post minus the insecurity stuff. Maybe have an hour where you guys go back and forth playing music. Or she gets a one hour playlist and you get the next hour. Even if she hates the music, everyone will survive. It’s not like you’re personally producing this music. It’ll be a nice way to share something.

47. Do *you* enjoy your music? Does yr wife ever see you enjoying your music?

    If you recoil whenever she asks what you’re listening to what other conclusion is she gonna come to than that you’re just being pretentious. Even if it makes sense on your end.

    It sounds like the insecurity is on both ends, and is mostly about ill communication. I like that many other comments suggested just sharing your music but her connection is more likely to be through you glowing about the music rather than the music itself. It’s about the passion, not necessarily the details.

    If she can see the joy you are seeing that will be a big positive even if it doesn’t lead to her liking that much of your music.

    My spouse and I have overlapping but distinct musical tastes. I mostly listen to my free jazz and black metal on my own, but I have been more open about loving classical music and opera. And that means sometimes in the evening we will relax and have an opera or symphony performance on rather than mindless YouTube videos because she is happy I’m happy (Freudenfreude?).

    I will also note that not “shutting the radio off whenever miley cyrus comes on” is a very low bar. Making a face can have much the same effect. Also damn she has an amazing voice. Fantastic color and tone, strong ability to harmonize live with even poor singers, and comfortable in a broad range of styles. She doesn’t always get to show that off so she has plenty of songs that I don’t care about… but I also once dismissed her as fluff and I was wrong.

48. You don’t mention in your post anything about your musical taste. What is it? Just curious.