Tldr: boyfriend lied and i dont know what to do
We have been dating for about an year and a half, we met in his country while i was on a temporary work visa and fell in love, ever since ive been living on and off in his country mostly for him, but also because i like the country hes from. Last month i have decided to move to his country (maybe permanently) to give a serious chance to the relationship, a few weeks after he broke up with me and regret it so we got back together. I had only three conditions for me to move for him: 1 – he would do a nice gesture to ask me to be his girlfriend again after he has broken up with me. 2 – he was living at his parents for a few months when he went back to his hometown and i told him we would start getting ready to move out whitin a month to get our on place. 3 – in that month with his parents he wouldnt travel alone because i would feel extremely uncomfortable staying at his parents without him there.
Thing is right before i arrived (a few weeks ago)
he told me he was going back to the city we lived in because his ex asked him to petsit his dog that now lives with her (they broke up an year before i met him and got the dog together when they were in a relationship). I told him i was hurt that he said yes because, first he didnt talk to me about it before he said yes, he only mentioned he was going after i said i missed that city, and second that he would be breaking one of my three conditions that he agreed to. After he saw i was mad he said he wouldnt go if i didnt want him to. After i arrived we had one more conversation about it where we tried to see some options where he could go and i wouldnt feel as uncomfortable but repeated he wouldnt go if thats what i wanted.
I could go as well but i would have to pay for flights while i barely have money to start a life here.
A week before his trip i told him i actually wasnt sure if i would be okay with any alternative and wanted him to not go, as i do feel very uncomfortable staying at his parents now that im here and i feel like it would be worse without him. He proposed to get me a hotel but i just think that would make his parents very offended that i wouldnt want to stay with them without my BF as theyre very nice people.
But then he said he was going either way and was actually just lying about not going if i wanted him to, that the dog is like i son to him and he loved him more than anything in the world, and that if i was hurt about it so be it. I told him there would be consequences about it because i felt like the lying made me think i cant trust or count on him and he said he’s okah with any consequences.This is also not the first lie he’s told me (some of them about pretty serious issues), so i feel very lost on what to do and not sure if m overreacting about feeling so hurt about it.
I told him he could at least try to make up for it with a nice gesture and he said he doesnt know how to.
So my question is: is this as serious as i think it is that i got so hurt, and what are ways he can make up for it, like a nice gesture?
7 comments
He lied to you multiple times and broke your trust. Trust is essential in a relationship, and it seems like he’s not taking your feelings into consideration. It’s up to you to decide if you want to continue in a relationship where trust is an issue. As for a nice gesture, maybe he could plan a special day or surprise for you, but it’s more important for him to work on rebuilding trust and being honest with you.
I would not move there until he has a place ready for the two of you. I wouldn’t want to stay with his parents either.
You’re moving countries for him (mostly). He should be excited and over the moon you’re coming!
Also, he should have found a solution for the dog thing, so he wouldn’t have to chose between you and the dog. Choosing like that is so toxic for a relationship, but still, you can get a dog sitter! He should’ve organized that or similar.
Honestly it’s bold of you to move there if he broke up with you, I feel? Is he really committed to you? Moving countries can be incredibly lonely and takes years to establish your own social circle. Is he prepared to support you in that?
This man ended your relationship, and then had to be made to “do something nice” and “ask you to be his girlfriend again”. He lied to you many times before he broke it off, and he began lying to you again soon after you got back together. Despite all this, you have given up your life in your own country, given up your job and moved to his country to be with him, knowing you’d be flat broke once you’d paid for your airfare.
What, exactly, gave you any kind of inkling that this was a good idea? I don’t mean to be rude and I’m not being judgmental. You’re only 24 years old, and at 24 we tend to be idealistic about matters of the heart. I’m just trying to get you to be realistic about your situation.
Financially supporting yourself, making friends and forging a life in a new country will be very tough and not much fun. I’m sure there must have been people who tried to talk you out of this: your parents? Siblings? Friends? I strongly suggest that you cut your losses, accept that this man is either not for you or not ready to commit to a permanent relationship, and ask someone to lend you the money to come home. Don’t sell yourself short and ruin your life for the sake of a man who cares less about you than you do about him. Please. There’s a wonderful life out there waiting for you. This isn’t it. xx
I don’t think he’s in the wrong for putting his dog first, some people are exstreamly attached to their pets as if they were their own children, we’d frown upon you if you stopped him seeing his human child so same goes for a fur baby.
However!… I think deep down he hoped you’d change your mind but it backfired, he has lied before and like a child he tried to hide it and lied in hope to get away with it. When someone tells you the truth even if you don’t like it I personally think there shouldn’t be an argument over it, he opened up so if you want the lying to stop he needs to know 100% that if he opens up to you again that you’ll not end up in an argument. I say this from experience with an ex. If you ask him to do nice gestures all you’re teaching him is, “hay you can lie to me as much as you want aslong as after you do something nice eg plan a romantic meal or buy me a gift to shut me up etc”. His lying is a problem and you’ve done alot to get to be with him so I think the two of you need a heart to heart on being honest and ask for a truth session where you agree not to get angry and upset or to keep brining it up in arguments, listen and try understand why he lied, if he can feel 100% like he can tell you everything and anything then the lying will eventually stop but he also needs to understand lying isn’t acceptable, however coming to tell you the truth (better late than never) is acceptable and it’s okay and over time he won’t feel the need to lie. I feel like he broke up with you as he ran from the problem as that’swhat he was taught, how was his upbringing? Was his parents/teacher etc strict? Did he panic alot and have anxiety so he learnt as a child that lying can get him out of getting into trouble? It’s easy for those who had a secure household to say lying isn’t difficult but when you’re in constant survival mode as a child it’s hard to change if that’s all that you know. The lying comes from somewhere, so if you can get to the root of it and possibly even do couple’s therapy together he also could do with his own separate councilling then you could end up with a much higher chance of this working out but he needs to be invested too. I’m not at all blaiming you for your response but I’m just shedding some light on the rooted problem it could be. What he does is wrong but he needs to learn he can trust you to not get mad, you got to build a healthy safe place and he does need to also understand how lying can cause resentment however if he lies then comes to you with the truth that’s okay (but it’s not okay if you found out the truth and his excuse was “I was going to tell you” no too late that’s not how it works.) He needs to learn that maybe if he’s worried to tell you the truth that maybe he would feel safer to write it or text it to you instead of saying it face to face then once you know you can take a deep breath and speak face to face (don’t text back as it can come across wrong). Now I don’t know the other lies that have been told so that information is very important all I know here was it was about his dog so to me that’s quite minor he was just trying his luck. I do however feel you were in the wrong here slightly as you kept changing your mind and that to me was unfair, you gave his hopes up and changed your answer so next time maybe communicate better and say something like “It makes me feel uncomfortable and I really do need to think long and hard before giving you my answer”. I do totally get why you were upset with him staying at his ex’s house, this also sounds like a situation that could happen often so you both need to think of a way to get around this eg both go and book a hotel with the dog and make it a mini holiday for the 3 of you or stay over at a friend’s with the dog eg.
You need to sit down and think if this is something you want to do, it’s very early days and you’ve done alot to be with him and you’re getting little back. I’d maybe have a heart to heart, suggest therapy and stand back a little for a month or two and see if things change and go from there. Situations like this will hurt you and give you trust issues and depending on the individual it depends how much effort they want to put in meaning if you mean little to them they’ll show thay with actions and you need to have a long hard think of is this really worth it? It couod go either way here it could blossom into a great relationship or distroy you, some people just lie because of the thrill of sneaking around, others were taught it as a survival thing. As someone who hates lying and liars as I literally see no point in it as the truth always comes out if after the chat it keeps happening then time to go home and heal.
I’m not sure why you think a “nice gesture” is going to fix the fact that this guy is not serious about you.
IMHO, he’s already proven himself to be a liar and incapable of handling a serious relationship the way a grown man would. If I were in your shoes, I would just cut my losses, and go back home. With so many men in the world, why limit yourself to a man like him? When you limit yourself to a man like him, you are not leaving the door open for a wonderful man to walk into your life. From your letter, you sound like a nice woman, and by the way you express yourself, you are clearly an intelligent woman. If his parents are nice to you, you are clearly a catch. Yes, just dump him. When you leave, don’t tell him of your plans, just leave and ghost him, and move on to a truly wonderful man. You deserve to be happy and to be with a man who honors you. A man who is truly wonderful. You deserve good things in your life.
Watch uyen on YouTube, that’s what u should expect from ur partner when considering moving to a country that ur partner lives in.
That man is committed to her, no talks about breaking up, only about the future, cares for her, makes her a home away from home, makes her comfortable in every sense.
Not someone breaking trust and having to abide to rules and putting u second/third.
In his country, u will be completely isolated, where ur partner is literally ur home. Do u want to have a home that you don’t even have faith in?