Back my junior year of college I was struggling with a break up and failing a semesters worth of classes. my mom and step dad were in the midst of a divorce so I didn’t have much support from them. When I came home that summer I ran into my old high school sweetheart, Sam. Sam use to call me the love of his life, his future, his everything, but I was stupid and ended things, and when he started dating I realized I wasn’t ready to move on. Nothing I did could convince him to try again so he found a new girlfriend and I went to college.
Meeting up that summer, things weren’t bitter or anything. He had ghost me before so I was a little confused, but our talk went well and I asked if we could be friends since I needed someone. He said sure. He told me right away he was still dating the same girl and I said okay. later on that week, I was distraught as hell, called him up because I needed some comfort, and we did it. We did it in the morning too. None of that was my intent inviting him over but it happened. He left telling me this was over. I got pregnant and while I didn’t want to let him or anyone else know, my mom ended up telling him and his girlfriend, which led them to break up.
Sam and I ended up together and now have a son. We’re in couples counseling as I deep down know Sam doesn’t see me much like a wife, but more a roommate or co – parent. I do love him and I know he likely won’t ever leave because of our son and guilt.
I did however see on his phone he messaged his old ex girlfriend. I’ve occasionally looked her up, but she doesn’t have a lot of social media. In the message he wrote a long and I mean long message apologizing for all he had done, what a selfish boyfriend he was, he has carried the weight of his choice everyday and he was so happy to see how much she has done since their break up (Her brother had committed suicide around the time we cheated). I was frustrated at the message, and confronted, asking where was my long apology for how much he’s put me through by not being a respectful partner. Sam told me he was guilty for what we did to her, not anything our dumb choices did him or me. He thinks I’m being overdramatic getting upset. How can I get him to understand this is wrong?
26 comments
I… honestly have no words.
You don’t get it, do you?
You are in the wrong. There is no universe where you are the victim or in the right. You slept with someone that you knew damn well was dating someone else. You don’t deserve an apology. SHE does. From YOU.
>> None of that was my intent inviting him over but it happened
You lie, sis
she DESERVED that apology. she deserves an apology from you as well. you didn’t accidentally open your legs. you don’t go to another woman’s man for comfort… go to your female friends. he must deeply regret sleeping with you and getting you pregnant. i’m sorry that you’re both stuck in a shitty situation now because of something terrible you did together. he probably sees you as a roommate because he resents you.
I will take a stab at this. In high school, you were dating Sam. You ended things with him. Sam moved on. He seriously dating another girl but ended up,cheating on her, with you! He realized that cheating on his GF was a huge mistake. But then you got pregnant. So he stayed with you and dumped his loyal GF.
So, he realized that he shitted on his then GF. And he decided that he would take responsibility for what he did. You, know cheating (with you, dumping her, all around the time her brother dies from suicide). And he chose to apologize now.
Meanwhile, you blithely shrug of any responsibility for any of this. Because, you know, you were struggling. Yet you also chose to sleep with him. And you also chose to have sex without protection. But, just double down, you are upset that he is taking responsibility for the things he did to his now ex?
Unbelievable.
Edit: changed college to high school in second sentence.
What is he supposed apologize to you for? What is wrong with apologizing to someone?
Good. I hope you stay this miserable forever. You both deserve nothing but the worst after what you did. Atleasr youe husband has a conscience and regret.
“I got everything I wanted despite ruining multiple peoples lives…please tell me I am right and everyone else is wrong”
Man, the only ones here who I feel sorry for was your husband’s ex-girlfriend for the crap you and her boyfriend did to her and your child for being born into this love affair. You royally screwed up. He is just as much at fault. His selfishness during a time when his girlfriend needed him most(after her brother’s suicide). You don’t have the right to be upset at him for sending her that apology. You should be down on your knees begging for forgiveness for your part in that affair. We’re you seriously hoping for pity?
You used a lot of words to say that you plotted to sleep with your ex boyfriend (I’m not absolving him, but this was your plan). Then, you baby trap him. At a time when she’s vulnerable about her brother.
He’s clearly only with you for his child. I’m sure he pines for his ex. I’m torn on him waiting 8 years to formally apologize. But my guess is he’s trying to establish contact.
You were awful 8 years ago and still haven’t matured or become a better person. Have some self awareness.
Why do you occasionally look her up if you “just want to heal your family”?
big “I forgave myself for cheating but he’s being petty” energy here.
I’m sorry that you got what you wanted and it didn’t turn out to be what you wanted. no one is being unfair to you. this is the bed you made, and this is what it feels like to lie in it.
consider that “accepting responsibility” means actually accepting responsibility and govern yourself accordingly.
I understand that this would hurt you, because you love him. And you’re realising that having him physically beside you isn’t worth much when he isn’t there emotionally as well.
And frankly, he probably will never be as *in* this relationship as you want. He was, back in high school, and you ended that. He moved on and it sounds like you, maybe inadvertently or maybe not, manipulated him into sleeping with you. That blame is not solely on you, but on you both. Depression is awful, but it’s not an excuse to behave badly and cheat with someone. Both of you betrayed his ex-girlfriend, and the result was pregnancy, which had massive consequences for all of you.
It sounds like he has tried to do the right thing since then, and has grown as a person. He wants to apologise for the terrible pain he caused his ex. That’s a very mature thing for him to have done. And I get that it scares you, because it means he has been thinking about it all these years later, and he regrets it. He regrets the actions that mean he is with you and has a child with you, and might be wondering what his life might have been. That must hurt.
But this is a situation of your own making. You have to come to terms with the fact that your relationship isn’t built on genuinely wanting to be together so much as it is built on convenience and practicality. That can still be a fulfilling relationship if you adjust your expectations
If that’s not enough for you, that’s really too bad. You can’t force someone to feel a particular way for you. If he doesn’t now, he probably never will. You have to decide if you can live with it, or if you want to find someone who feels the way about you that you want. But you can’t stop him from apologising to an ex you both deeply wronged.
All I see is an immature adult who made a selfish and gross choice and ended up with a baby. You mad bc Sam doesn’t actually love you? Well that’s a choice you made being the side piece. You mad he clearly doesn’t want to be with you? Well that’s the choice made when you have a baby with someone that didn’t want to be with you.
He owes her an apology. He cheated on her and knocked up his ex. He couldn’t keep his dick in his pants. And clearly he sees staying with you as his punishment for life. What a stellar life and marriage you built for yourself. Not sure how old you are but I’m going to guess your marriage will be over by the time your kid is 18. And that will be the karma you earned.
The ex ended up in the best position. Karma seems to have worked here
Get out of here with your woe is me garbage. You’re a snake and your husband is too. Talking about “I forgave myself”… are you serious?
When you actually grow up and heal, come read this post and your replies and see the absolute trash mentality you currently have. Yuck to your marriage. Sorry to the ex gf and sorry to your child.
Why didn’t you go your separate ways and coparent (since the gf you didn’t want in your life dumped him anyway)? I think that way you could have avoided the resentment and found someone who actually sees you as a partner and not as a roommate.
I mean, it is what it is. He cheated with you. Feels guilty. Sounds like he would not be with you if not for the child. Everyone is settling. Not a good model for your kid.
Not the snake being upset that she’s still the second choice to the man she baby trapped 8 years later 😂
this is just shocking. the audacity to get angry at your husband for apologizing (something YOU should have done ages ago too) is baffling. that girl went through a lot, you turned her live upside down and now, you have the husband, the kid and yet you still want something to be petty about. therapy should have taught you to take blame, understand your were at fault, reconcile and try to move on. either you completely misunderstood the meaning of therapy or you have a lousy therapist. your immaturity is hurting everyone in your life, please learn to take blame for things you did wrong. you are not innocent.
That’s so cute you think he’ll never leave you because you have a kid 😂😂😂😂
“We did it”. What 30 year old talks like this? You seem very immature. His apology to her, is his to give. Hell, you should too
This is a lot of words to call yourself out as a baby-trapping cheater who just can’t stand that somebody else in this situation is finally acting like an adult and admitting they fucked up 🤷🏻♀️
How you get ’em is how you lose ’em.
“How can I get him to understand this is wrong?”
Better question: how can you learn YOU’RE wrong, horrifically so? Because your logic is appalling and sick.
I feel so bad for his ex.
I might get hate for this, but it’s not like anything anyone else has said has gotten through to you anyways.
You potentially ruined all of your lives and you baby trapped a man who you couldn’t get over, in your own words. You also allowed yourself to get involved when you knew he was in a relationship. A relationship that starts off with cheating and pregnancy right away is a relationship where that man definitely has regrets and possibly resentment. Clearly you also are resentful that he was in a relationship when you wanted him. Do you honestly think that will last?
She does deserve an apology from a man who cheated and knocked someone else up while dating her. Especially when neither of you told her yourselves.
Your life sounds like a Maury or Jerry Springer episode. Your husband showing some remorse and apologizing is the most emotional intelligence either of you has probably displayed in your entire time together.