context, i am 19 years old so this question may be born out of sheer immaturity. my 3-year relationship with my first boyfriend just ended last week, and he was (still is) my one and only best friend. other than him, i have no one else to turn to in life as i have no siblings, close relatives, friends, nor a close enough relationship with my parents. we also share the same interests in EVERYTHING, from games, music, shows, books, everything— we even got into new hobbies together during our relationship. thus, i consider him to be my “soulmate” both romantically and platonically— but this also served as the cause of our breakup due to me revolving my entire life around him, suffocating him, and choosing to ignore my issues with loneliness and being friendless instead of resolving them.
while i do accept that the relationship’s over and we can never go back together again, this makes me all the more afraid. i am terribly afraid that i might never ever love someone else more than him again. i don’t even think i’ll ever find another partner after him ever until i die. and in the slim chance i do, i’m so afraid that i might feel miserable in my older years if i marry that person, start a family with them, and grow old with them while still believing that i still loved my ex more, and that they will never compare to him.
understanding the depth of how exactly i feel for my ex (or am obsessed with, if you see it that way), will i actually be able to find someone else in the future? will i ever come to love someone more than i do my ex now? to older users who have gone through the same thing, please share with me your experiences and wisdom.
thank you.
28 comments
Yes. Ability to love will never diminish and is endless.
I‘m sure you will…**if** you take what you‘ve learned about yourself and relationships with you and you extract a helpful and useful meaning from the experience with that person.
If the meaning you assign to that relationship stays „he was my only soulmate and I’m never going to find someone like him again“, then you will suffer a lot for a very long time.
The higher you put your ex on a pedestal, the harder it will be to get into a long term serious relationship. You will always think about your current partner, “but he’s not like my ex” and comparing every little detail to him.
I would suggest you stop that entirely if possible. It was a great experience and you learned from it, great! But don’t have it be the standard you hold everyone else you meet to. That’s just unfair for you and them.
Relationships are just hard and you will likely go through many good or bad experiences before you find one that can be a life long partner. No one is perfect, that’s why communication is always key. Talk talk and then talk some more to work things out and learn to compromise. I think that’s the key to a healthy relationship.
Go into new relationships with an open mind to learn or experience new things. Don’t linger on the past and your ex and how you want all future connections to be equal to the one that failed.
Hope so
I broke up with my high school boyfriend of 7 years when I was 23. It seemed that I’d lost my soulmate and would never find love again. I’ve fallen in love again since then and been happy with other people. The love is different every time because the person is different and I am different. You grow and change in life and with that, so does what fits you. Sometimes people grow together, other times they grow apart. This relationship has ended for you and you feel like the world is ending. Give yourself space to grieve, be patient but also, it’s not the end of the world. People find love in their 70s and 80s. You are just 19. Lots more lays ahead of you and you will find love.
It’s not just possible, it’s probable. I will always have a special place in my heart for my “first love” but as it sounds in your case, it was more like obsession and infatuation. I, like you, was suffering mentally and emotionally (mine r/t trauma and bipolar). I clung to him and thought about him 24/7. It was very unhealthy. Once I worked on myself and finally got to a place where I loved ME, I met my true soulmate. We’ve been together for 18 years and it’s been way beyond anything I had with my first “love”.
I’d recommend seeking out some counseling to help you with grief and your other issues. You need friends, friend. At least one.
Yes it is. Give it time <3
I honestly don’t even remember any details about my first love. And we were so close, so obsessed with one another. I never even think of him when I think of my relationships. I had many more as I got older, that were much more significant and memorable for so many reasons. Just take time to grieve and let yourself move on. I know it’s annoying to hear now, but you are SO young in the grand scheme of things; your adult life has barely even begun.
I was where you are when I was 18. Eventually I realized the guy was a massive dick and I was so relieved that we hadn’t actually gotten married.
All that aside, you’re in a really shitty, lonely spot right now, and it kind of sounds like you convinced yourself your bf was your whole world/soulmate/the only person you would ever need, possibly even to the point of codependency, and thats just not true or healthy. You lost your whole support system in one fell swoop and now you’re grieving that and the loss of your relationship. You’re naturally going to have a pretty bleak outlook on life right now, but if you do your best to grieve, but move on to the rest of your life, you will get past this and eventually realize that theres a whole world of people out there, a decent amount of which are compatible with you.
If you’re able to I would really recommend looking into getting a therapist to help you work through the grief and maybe work on the issues that caused you to become so dependent on him in the first place.
Firsts are special for being firsts. You are young and asking a good question. I would be unsurprised to learn you collide full force into a new love of even greater intensity within a year or two.
The first is almost always the most intense, both when you’re together and when it ends.
But not always. My second wife was (and still is) way more intense than my first.
Intensity, though, has little to do with long-term happiness and fulfillment.
yes. you will fall in love and find so many soul mates. especially at your age. go have fun and don’t worry about this one.
Yes you will because you will grow significantly as a person and your demands will change over time. Some stuff you thought was set in stone might not be or vice versa.
Definitely.
Yes!! I met my first love when I was fifteen, and we were together for ten years. We loved each other so deeply, but in the end it was just too mature of a relationship for people so young. I’ve dated and loved a lot since, and knowing that I was able to love such an amazing human of part of why I knew I could love so purely and deeply when I met my wife. I have endless gratitude for the experience, even when it was heartbreaking.
My ex remains one of my dearest friends, but my wife is the love of my life.
The first cut is the deepest.
yes!!!!!!!
As you get older and become a mature adult you won’t need people to be “your entire world”. You will become a strong intelligent and independent women, that is perfectly happy being single. You will only need a relationship with a partner for doing awesome things like creating a family. You will be so strong you can be the world for your children, until they are mature independent adults.
You’ll realize after dating more people, and getting into adulthood, that it wasn’t love. Just infatuation with the idea of love. You’ll never forget them, but it wasn’t love.
It’s like this-how do you even know he was your soulmate? It could’ve been just a trauma bond and a dopamine fix created due to the push and pull nature of the unfair relationship. Get therapy and rewire your brain.
It’s possible but gets harder after each and every breakup.
When you get to where you’re going, you’ll mostly have forgotten about where you started from.
You’ll get over it.
You might not get over it but it won’t hurt as much in the future.
Also the next person you’ll love, it will be different. You’ll think maybe it’s better than the last but dating and loving brings all sorts of flavors, some spicy and some sweet.
Be fond of the good things you accomplished in this relationship, and aim to be a great partner in the next one.
But also make sure you’re okay, you’re happy before you start dating seriously again. People can tell when you’re desperate or sad and that’s not sexy.
You may be able to love someone else, but you will probably never forget them.
I experience the exact same thing. The only difference is that we only lasted for three months. He’s the very first guy I introduced to my super strict and conservative family. We broke up last month. A few days after I introduced him to my family lol. Even my neighbors, aunts and uncles were there.
And you know what? I used to believe that I will never love someone more than I love him. That no one would ever compare to him. But then I saw a video saying that there are three types of love: puppy love, great love, and hopeful love. We all know what puppy love is so I’ll go strAight to great love.
Great love is who we think our soulmate, our significant other. The one who we will spend the rest of our life with. But no. It would be our greatest heartbreak. It would be the biggest lesson in love that we will learn. It will suck so fucking much. It will lead us to our lowest. But that doesn’t mean we would stay there forever. I know it’s hard to let go of something you build together for years but you just let yourself feel all the pain, hug it if you must, but you gotta let go. Not because you want to, but you need to. Babe, trust me, you may feel that there wouldn’t be anything that can lift you up from where you are right now, but there is. However, you, yourself, need to be the first one to lift yourself up from there.
Anyway, going to hopeful love. At some point, you will let go of this— your ex, your now past relationship— and you will feel that nothing really matters except for your peace and sanity. You will meet more people. And I’m not talking about boyfriends or flings. I’m talking about friends who will nurture, take care, and love you more than he did. A support system that will guide and help you throughout everything. Just let yourself free and explore from time to time. It’s not easy as well but it’s totally worth it. And you may not notice it but you might find tour hopeful love. Hopeful love is someone who you really deserve. Someone who will make you not question yourself if you really deserve someone like that. Someone who will treat you the best, who will give you everything you need and want because they want to. Someone who will restore your faith in love and in yourself. Someone who will voluntarily spend the rest of their life with you. Who will plan a future with you. Someone who thinks of you as their future.
I still have a lot to say but this is it for the meantime. If you need someone to talk to, someone who can really understand you, I am here. I am all ears. Just take your time. One day you’ll just wake up, no more pain, and you just wanna take care of yourself. Be healthier, be happier, grow more, and progress more in life. I am one message away :>. I love you, stranger! I know for a fact that you (and hopefully I too) will get over this fully and would just laugh it off soon.
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I remember when I had my first dog die as a child. I thought I would never love another dog the way I loved “puppy love”. (Named after the Elvis song). While I still think of that puppy, I have had multiple dogs throughout my life and I loved each and every one of them with my whole heart. I hope that your future loves (there may be more than one more) are the same.
You never love anybody in the same way as your lost or first love. You will love each person in your life differently as time goes by.
As you grow and mature, the type of love that you give and receive/accepr will have different meanings to you. It’s never the same.
The love that you feel when you’re young is wrapped up in hormones and codependency. As you get older, this won’t be a major factor.
I was the same way. I thought the high school boyfriend was the love of my life, and then I thought my post college boyfriend was as well.
But as I have matured, I found what I really needed. I ended up later on with man who’s a Wonder to me. He’s not only sweet love but he’s my best friend.
Everyone gives the same advice about learning about yourself and growing with yourself and focusing on yourself. It does seem trite yes but it is actually the thing you need to do.
Learn to live with yourself first. Focus on your work and the things that make you happy. Get a pet —someone that you can love and that depends upon you. Just know that as you change through life you’re going to be fine.
I wish you all the best as you grow into who you will be. All my love