I’ve been with my bf for two years. Honestly the last six months have been super hard. He’s always upset, or mad, and I never know what will work him up.
He went from treating me all the time to suddenly making me out all of our expenses into a spreadsheet. Then he will give me a portion of the total bill.
I’ve just been exhausted and sick and feeling like I’ll never be good enough.
When I asked him to have a conversation about his attitude he basically laughed at me. He said “I’ve never been mean. Sweetie, you haven’t seen my mean side – believe me, I can be a lot more mean.”
But… He has been angry with me? He yells if I don’t put my seatbelt on properly. He’s angry if I ask him to pay for things.
He’s telling me he wants to rethink our relationship and I feel completely overwhelmed. I can’t explain how sweet and gentle he used to be, and I feel like that person will never return.
Is there anything else I can do?
Tl;Dr boyfriend denies he’s been mean and that I haven’t “seen” anything yet
30 comments
You can leave. Why are you putting up with this?
I’m so sorry. I think, like many people, he was showing you his best sides during the infatuation phase. Now he has let his guard down and you are seeing who he really is, someone mean and angry. Sadly, I don’t think the situation will improve.
He sounds abusive with narcissistic traits. You’ve fallen off the pedestal and now he takes you for granted. Leave now. He has no respect for you. It will only get worse, never better. A healthy relationship is communication and feeling empathy for one’s partner. He has none for you. Tbh I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s cheating and causing tension to alleviate his guilt.
OP, that is legitimately scary. I’m really scared for you right now. No person in their right mind should ever say this to their partner. On top of you saying that he’s treated you badly the last few months.
You know he doesn’t treat you right. You can feel it. And yet he still convinced you that this is somehow your fault. Does that sound right to you?
This is what abusers do, btw. They lure you in, and then when they got you, they start to treat you like shit. And what they’re really good at is convincing you that this is all your fault. And if you just tried harder, or did this, or didn’t do that, they wouldn’t have to treat you like this. So you stay and endure the abuse because you believe that it IS your fault. And that the sweet person you once knew will return if you just put a little more effort into it.
Seriously, get out of there while you still can and talk to someone about this. Someone you are close with. I’m sure they’ll tell you the same thing I just did. I don’t think you’re safe with this man.
> “I’ve never been mean. Sweetie, you haven’t seen my mean side – believe me, I can be a lot more mean.”
When someone tells you who they are, believe them. Do you want to be with this person?
You can break up with him? Why are you staying with someone who doesn’t care about how you you feel and threatened to be even worse?
Yeah he was sweet and gentle in the beginning and now that he feels like you’re locked in he’s revealing who he actually is. Rethink the relationship for him and leave. Dude sounds like an absolute psycho. He isn’t going to change.
Honey, you were being love-bombed and now he’s showing his true self. Do you want this to be how you live for the rest of the year or even the rest of your life?
**Is there anything else I can do?**
Yes, breakup!
Sometimes people want to breakup but don’t have the courage to do so. Instead, they start treating their partner like crap so that they initiate the breakup instead. That way they don’t have to look like the “bad guy.” This sounds to me like what he’s doing. Also, how do you put in a seatbelt “wrong?” There’s a belt. It clicks into the clasp. What can go wrong there?
Christ I had one like this literally said the same thing to me when I said I wanted to slow down. He said this to me while drinking an entire fifth of scotch. We’re not together anymore, I’m with someone way better. You’re young you’ll find someone better too.
So what’s you question? How to break up? Or do you want to wait around and see his mean side?
Two words: LEAVE HIM!
Typical asshole fk boy narcissistic behavior, and right on qeue. Standard 6-12mths of being nice. 18mths timeframe to shape shift into his true behavior of a controlling abuser. You’ve wasted enough time. Things will only get worse and his toxic behavior will ruin your mental state for years if you don’t get out now.
Say goodbye.
I spent 4.5 years with a complete psycho and if I could go back and save myself, I would. This is his warning to you. You need to leave. This will NOT get better.
>But… He has been angry with me? He yells if I don’t put my seatbelt on properly. He’s angry if I ask him to pay for things.
I this case when he says “mean” he is implying being stingy.
adjective
adjective: mean; comparative adjective: meaner; superlative adjective: meanest
1.
BRITISH
unwilling to give or share things, especially money; not generous.
“she felt mean not giving a tip”
How often do you pay for things? Treat him? Be sweet to him? Make him feel special? A common societal misconception is that men should fulfil a woman’s every emotional and financial need and thank there lucky stars that they have the opportunity to “get lucky” in the bedroom.
Take control of your own finances and pay for your own things, don’t rely on him. If you want a balanced happy relationship this would be a start, buy him something out of the blue, make him feel special and loved too. He probably thinks you are only interested in him for his money and how special he makes you feel when he is generous and lavishes you with gifts. You can’t blame him for thinking that as this is a standard that society and especially women expect of their men, it is a rare thing for a person to be deeply respected, seen and cherished for who they are and not just seen for what they can be used for. A relationship should be balanced and based on mutual respect, ignore the material things they are not important, assess his character and see if he is worth your love, your kindness, your devotion and time.
There’s so much context missing here.
Did you ever treat him? Did you ever offer to pay for your own half of expenses?
If not, it sounds like he got sick of being your ATM and the resentment grew and instead of communicating about it properly or just breaking up with you, he started letting it show in unhealthy ways. It’s not okay to yell at you or try to intimidate you, but if you weren’t pulling your weight, how would you feel if you were the one always paying for things?
You either need to sit down and figure out a more fair way to split your expenses or just let eachother go and find partners who have similar financial views. If you do choose to find a way to split costs more fairly, you(he) still need to make amends for the yelling and other unfair treatment
To be fair, he shouldnt be “treating you all the time” and has probably built up resentment if he was the one previously being the financial supporter. However this does not mean he can dismiss you and be mean to you.
I’ll take a step back and say
“I’m sorry you were paying for things all the time before and I want to make it more fair, however recently I’ve been feeling very upset and dismissed because of what you did/said. I can do better, however if you don’t change your attitude and behaviour around me I don’t want to be with someone who makes me feel this shit.”
See how he repsinds
Don’t date anyone who says “more mean” instead of “meaner.”
I was with you at first. Then you mentioned some things about money that gave me second thoughts.
He went from treating you to making a spreadsheet of your expenses. Where is the problem with that? Why wouldn’t he want to control what goes out of his pocket? Why shouldn’t he get angry if you find such procedures exhausting?
Then you said he gets angry when you ask him to pay for you. You didn’t say that you just tried it once, but rather that you keep asking him and he keeps getting angry. Again, what is wrong with that? You phrase it like you asked him to pay, then he got upset… but you feel it’s normal and want to ask him again. I can’t rule out the possibility that he is indeed abusive, but too much context is missing, and from what you write it looks like it’s just one side of the story.
And yes, it’s a d*ck move to say things like “you haven’t seen my mean side”. That in itself is a threat, and a reason to leave. But write the whole story. Strangers on the internet are not entitled to judge relationships with so little information
Put your big girl panties on and get the hell out of Dodge. You’re up there lamenting while he’s planning his next move. You need to take those Rose colored glasses off and Free yourself from any future domestic targeting before it’s too late. He will tap further into your weaknesses and it could be coming in a domestic abuse situation. Don’t be stupid. And, don’t tell him what you’re planning to do. Just make a move. If you need the help of family or friends or social service organizations, Community organizations, organizations dedicated to abused women, contact them now. Save yourself while you still can.
The forrest for the trees.
I hear variations on this story over n over. Sometimes, it’s exactly as face value, but fat more often is the result of the storyteller acting in a manner to elicit the reaction.
Have that conversation, but be prepared to look at yourself at the same time
Ok you need to know this. Just from what you’ve told me this guy cares for you and is stressed out the ass. You two NEED a calm sit down conversation that does not point fingers but gets down to the problems. You might have to show him that you are a team and can help shoulder some of these burdens. Society has taught boys that they have to provide and secure, though some people don’t help. I’d suggest for now putting aside the “meaness” he has done, deal with it later and work on the root problems now.
He’s abusive and he’s gaslighting you. Get out!!! You will always feel the way you do right now writing this. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong but everything is wrong to him. He’s doing this now to see how much he can make you bend and jump for him. LEAVE!!!!!
Get the hell out NOW
So your boyfriend has dismissed your objections to his behavior by telling you he could be more mean if he wanted to. That is just bullying – he is telling you to accept abusive treatment, or he will treat you worse.
This man has shown you how he treats those he has power over- BADLY! The next time you are vulnerable he will abuse and bully you in the same way.
He is yelling at you over your seatbelt? This dude believes he has you on tap and is now showing his true colors. Thus is not somone who cares about your feelings or life. He is “rethinking” your relationship in order to put you on the back foot so you beg for him to stay. When he threwtens to end things take him up on it run like hell and never look back.
I was in a relationship with someone who suffers from borderline personality disorder, and this has cluster B abuse written all over it. I am sorry, but the sweet and gentle side of him you fell in love with will only return long enough to keep you hooked. “I’ve just been exhausted and sick and feeling like I’ll never be good enough.” He is undermining your self esteem and sense of reality. I have been through this and I know how soul crushing it is. PM me if you ever need to vent or have questions. I’m not a psychologist but I experienced something similar.
Get out now. Do not stay. He does not want you around and he is doing this to get you to leave.
Dump him.
Emotional abuse tends to start after the first few years. It will get worse.
He is waving a red flag in front of your face and telling you there are bigger red flags ahead. He lovebombed the shit out of you, then when he knew he had you hooked, dropped the act and let his true narcissistic, controlling self show. Get out of this now before you find out just how bad his “mean side” really is.