I went to a social event yesterday for the first time in a long time even though I was extremely anxious about it. Its a youth group so I when I arrived I said my name when it was my turn. I also had to give some news but in that moment I didn’t know whether I should lie or tell the truth (I have no news because I don’t have a life) so I stuttered and paused and I felt my face burn. There were about 15 people all looking at me. I couldn’t look at any of them so I stared at the floor. After that I didn’t say anything for a while.

Then the introductions were over and people started making conversation with each other. I could tell some of them knew each other already but about half were new people. They still began chatting though and making friends. I felt so broken and I wanted to leave but I forced myself to stay because the goal is to be around people for a while.

At one point a man said hello to me and I said hello and looked at his face for about a second. Then I felt the dread because I knew he was expecting me to chat or something. I feel sorry for him just thinking about it. He said something but I don’t even remember it because I could only focus on the negative thoughts in my head about this whole situation being pointless.

The whole thing was terrifying and I feel pathetic for trying to socialise. I truly am broken. All I want is to have a friend. I can’t even communicate with another person.

2 comments

  1. You went to the social event – that’s a win, be proud of yourself, look at it as a first step. Allow yourself a next time – but prepare some things to talk about.

    By going to the first one, you’ve learned what situations you might be in. Prepare some news however small, look up conversation openers online. To the guy that said hello, you could even say “hi I’m new here and really nervous” or tell him your name and ask his. Asking questions is quite a good way to not have to talk much.

    I really hope you can try again.

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