Is the dating pool that small now or are the apps just filled with people that happen to have my dealbreakers?

34 comments

1. > two inches taller than me (not sorry about this one, I’m on the tall side)

   Depending on how tall you are, you might be excluding 90+% of men.

2. I’ve heard dating in NYC is especially hard because people have so many options, and there’s an incredible amount of people on the market. Apparently, it’s harder to get serious with someone because the population magnifies the grass is greener mindset with online dating. Maybe try to meet people through social events like Meetup’s or club activities?

3. I just commented on another thread where someone asked if asking for the following qualities was unrealistic:

   >him being kind, smart, emotionally intelligent, caring, supportive, not lazy, having some goals and drive in life, optimistic and growth mindset (at least striving for it), non smoker, only social drinker, wants family, mutual chemistry and effort. Having joy together, travel together and try to make one another happy (proactively). Being ambitious but not a workaholic.

   And no, neither yours or hers are unrealistic, but I do think it gets harder as we age to find people who meet these qualities. (edit: I think most of these qualities are the bare minimum and I’m not saying that they need to be changed). I think it’s a plus that you’re in NYC as it’s much more people, and people tend to settle down later.

   If you are going to be very strict about height, realize that 2+ inches (is this going to be over 6ft?) may be the key factor as very few men meet that criteria, mores when you add other factors.

   if you’ve gone on 75+ dates, I do think it’s worth examining if there is something within you that is possibly not wanting a relationship. Before I went on my current dating spree (which led me to my current partner), I found that I was constantly looking for flaws/things I didn’t like versus looking for positives/things I did like.

   If you’re looking for reasons to not like people, you’re going to find those reasons, and in turn, everyone will be unappealing.

4. Your preferences are not the problem. Plenty of men in that part of the US who meet all of those requirements.

   The way dating apps are used changed pretty dramatically during the pandemic. People take them a lot less seriously now, making finding a partner for long-term relationships even more difficult than it was before. This goes double for the apps that were already more short term oriented (i.e., Tinder).

   One of the trends I have started to see is that less popular apps seem to have higher success rates. You get a smaller pool of potential partners, and a lot less matches, but in general the matches you do get are of somewhat higher quality and more likely to lead to an actual relationship. It’s quality over quantity, essentially.

5. A lot of this will just be about the filters. Few men, or people of any gender, will bother to add all of those specifics, so if there’s even one of those they haven’t added detail for, and you’re using all your filters at once, you’re not going to see any of those people.

   Maybe just apply one or two filters at one time. You’ve gone out with 75 men in 10 years and statistically it seems likely you’ve rejected hundreds, not to downplay your frustration but I’ve probably had about 15 dates in my entire life and 5 short-lived relationships from all the huge amount of time and effort I have put into OLD – it sounds like you’re doing pretty well to me, but I appreciate OLD is frustrating for pretty much everyone and we each have our own yardstick for dating success. I’m 32 now and wondering if I’ll ever get another date in my life, never mind actually being able to be super-specific about what I’m looking for in a match 😂

6. Going by the other comments here, the height requirement has already been discussed and clarified so I won’t go into that.

   The others seem reasonable to me, and my opinion is that it’s not so much a pool size issue as it is the scummy nature of OLD apps (some more than others) where you will be gate kept from potential matches. And how that affects the state of mind for people on the apps looking for LTR. Definitely frustrating.

   On the flip side, my personal conspiracy theory is that sometimes the algorithm overcorrects and once you get a couple of good matches, it opens the floodgates and overwhelms you.

   In terms of what you can control, I dedicate only about 15-30 min a day (preferably at the same time) on the apps. That way the frustration doesn’t spiral out and affect my general mood.

7. OP I also live in NYC and I don’t think your expectations are too extreme. I’m pretty much the same demographic as you and I am looking for the same thing- but fwiw I’m a guy (and taller than 5’9″- but that hasn’t seemed like it’s really benefited me too much).

   I’ve only ever lived here and in my experience dating in this city is basically perpetual speed dating. Lots of first and second dates that just kind of fall off. I haven’t had a relationship that lasted over a few months.
   I thought this would stop after my 20s but it’s still going on in my mid 30s (and people definitely settle later here).

   It sounds cheesy but I think “effort” is less trying to “settle” around dealbreakers and more just bringing a bit of positivity and care-freeness to dates. I recently read a self help book that said you get out of relationships (and dates) what you put in. So if you walk in unsure/in a bad mood the date is doomed from the start.
   Since last year I have tried to approach dating more casually, treating it as a chance to meet somebody new and learn something about them (and myself). It’s not resulted in a relationship but I’m mentally better off than I was (and I’ve gotten some good book/theater/movie recommendations from it).

   Also, if you don’t actually live in the city itself- it could be kind of limiting your pool. I know that I don’t really want to meet up with people who don’t live within easy public transportation because I work late hours and often have weekend plans in the city itself.

   My unsolicited 2cents- best of luck to you!

8. 31F also in NYC. I really think the dating pool is that small on dating apps sometimes. The dating apps largely contain people with avoidant/disorganized attachment styles, and people new to the city and its unique dating scene (seemingly endless & high quality options, high proportion of transients/travelers, disproportionate number of poly people, more single straight women than single straight men, people settle down later on average).

   Fwiw I do not think your preferences are crazy. As a native New Yorker, I have noticed that most of my other native friends who are partnered met their partners IRL via friend groups, school, or other social connections. Or, they went on Hinge and snapped up someone in their first few weeks on the apps.

   The only thing I’d add is that if you live outside the city, and your profiles say that — it might limit your options. I know I am less interested in dating someone who lives outside of the reach of MTA because I don’t have a car and it feels unreasonable to have someone always meet me where I’m at. I’m not sure what you can do about that, but I would probably not outright eliminate a date on that basis if he had other things going for him!

9. My short king (5’6”) is the best guy I’ve ever dated, and I’m convinced he’s it for me. Give the shorter dudes a chance!

10. OK let’s objectively look at the facts you’ve laid out:

    – 10 years dating

    – Met nearly 100 people. I’m assuming this is through the apps so you had hundreds (or even thousands) of men to choose from

    – You’re pooling from one of the most populous and diverse cities in the world

    And you’re still single. People will give you the usual…that you’re doing absolutely nothing wrong, be patient, never settle, and the universe will “manifest” you your soulmate, but **the issue is likely that you’re too picky and your standards are unrealistic.**

    Are you willing to consider that this may be the issue?

    You also make it seem like all your standards are bare minimum, then you throw in “attraction” like it’s an afterthought…when most likely attraction is the primary factor in weeding out all these men, to where you’re left with a handful. You also may be choosing the wrong types of men.

11. In general as we get older the apps will def be filled with people who have dealbreakers because we know what we want. I’m also in nyc but I’m not actively dating and when I was it def was not for a life anything but it def taught me what I like and don’t like

12. >I don’t think my preferences are anything crazy for being in the northeast of the USA: Monogamous relationship/marriage, children, progressive political/social views, doesn’t smoke, not religious, (edit) taller than me (I’m 5’7). These are ones that I can see on the apps and making reference to in this post. Then of course with anyone dating, attraction from both sides and chemistry.

    Every time someone posts their criteria I look at them and there are at least a couple that would eliminate me.

    And plenty of people have covered how the math works on these kinds of criteria. Like, your height requirement alone eliminates something like 60% of the men in NYC (and honestly probably a higher percentage of single men). And that’s not even mentioning the unstated but likely requirements (like, 13% of adult male Americans have felony convictions, etc.).

13. Adding to my prior post, the dating pool is the largest it’s ever been. Your great great great grandmother growing up in some rural village had like 4 dudes her age to choose from.

    The huge amount of choice (together with the online shopping style experience that OLD offers) had made people believe they can find a “perfect” match.

14. Social views have became increasingly more of a deal breaker for people, especially in the last few years.

    Also keep in mind dating apps are meant to keep you on the app and trying to get you spending money on the app. Just some food for thought.

15. I was happily married to my late husband for 10 years. I was taller than him – me 5’11 him at 5’7. There was no chemistry/spark from my end when we started dating, but I had so much fun with him, and he would make me laugh like no one else ever has. The chemistry definitely grew over time. So from personal experience chemistry/spark doesn’t mean anything in the long run. I think it’s good to have dealbreakers, especially with smokers, religious but personally I would be more flexible with the physical features side of things.

16. This whole post has made me really, really depressed.

    Feeling your pain, OP.

17. I’m a 39M in NYC. I’m 6’2 and I find it very difficult to meet anyone on the apps. I’m on Bumble, Hinge, Tinder, Match, Thursday. I kinda feel like the apps don’t want anyone to meet lol they just want everyone to keep paying for super likes/roses etc I’m a bigger fan of speed dating. It’s fun and it’s nice meeting people in person. Good luck Lenox Grace.

18. I would just suggest that ‘instant chemistry’ is not necessarily a good indicator of how successful a LTR will be. Chemistry can grow over time.

    You will find fishing for the perfect partner harder now you are in your 30’s. Many guys your age are now:

    Coupled up

    Looking to enter relationships with younger women

    Divorced

    Single parents

    Players

    Unattractive or have social awkwardness

19. I’m 31F and just went down memory lane. I remember when I tried to date during my 2 years in grad school at NYU, it was mostly a disaster. And that was like 10 years ago. And I was really thin at the time and thought for sure I’d habe my pick of men. They just didn’t want any commitment. I lived in Manhattan and Brooklyn. Tons of dates and fucking but zero LTR compatibility.

20. This ain’t limited to NYC, these seem pretty normal:
    Monogamous relationship/marriage, children,
    progressive,
    Taller than me (5’7”)

    What are your other requirements?
    – Salary/income (what do you make and need them to make as well)
    – nationality/ethnicity (this plays a lot unfortunately in todays dating market)
    – how do you present yourself (tidy/casual/hippy/business professional/gym babe/etc/hipster/goth rocker)
    – what are your hobby’s (gym, art, museums, science, partying, being on boats, etc)
    – introvert/extrovert ? Homebody/like to be out of your home/apartment ?
    – are you comfortable taking the train 20 minutes to see someone or limiting yourself to that infamous 10 block NYC radius ?

    Seems to me if you’ve been on 75+ dates in 10 years and no relationship has happened, there’s something directly or indirectly witch who you are and is scaring away potential suitors.

    Make a burner account and post a profile review in /r/datingover30

    Good luck !

21. I am the same age and height as you, working in Manhattan and living right outside the city. I’ve had similar issues! From the comments it seems like there are quite a few of us. Maybe we all need to meet up and commiserate 😂

22. You’re in NYC. My wife and I met in NYC on dating apps but uh many guys in NYC in their 30s are still doing the single playboy thing. Ive heard dating in NYC is rough for women.

23. Same! 35F in NYC!

24. There is a substantial shift that happens in the 30’s for men and women. I have multiple female friends that complained about it. They all said “it used to be so easy”. A lot of the really appealing men who are between 28 and 40 will often limit the app to only match them with women in the 21-30 range mainly for ego reasons. These are the tall guys with sexy jobs, good pictures, a well drafted profile, and a handsome face. Then when they are in the 38-50 range, they will set it to 28-36 because they see it as their last chance to have kids, and most people are incorrectly informed that you can’t have kids after 38.

    Conversely if you are a guy who wants to date your own age, getting over 30 is when it gets so much better. There is a LOT less competition for the same matches. When I was 32-35, dating online was blowing your mind how much better your matches were and how much easier it was to get/keep someone interested. It was absolutely night and day compared to being in your 20’s.

    Obviously not everyone is like this, but a substantial demographic shift makes a big difference. Also, people who aren’t actually capable of long term relationships will be on the apps for 10 years or more and that just increases the odds of running into them.

    ​

    One note, NYC/Boston/Chicago are notoriously difficult for women dating just like San Diego/San Francisco/Seattle are notoriously difficult for men dating. NYC is 52.5% female, 47.5% male and has a large gay population but not a notable large lesbian population. Because most people are in relationships, it’s not unreasonable for the single population to have 1.5x as many heterosexual woman as men. The opposite is true for San Diego/San Francisco/Seattle where you will have a lot more single men than women.

25. YMMV – But as a guy living in Boston. I had another male friend having meh luck in the Boston area for over a year. He moved to NYC – Same guy, same profile, same everything, within 3 months he had found a LTR. He moved back and his LTR is working on moving (Work related delays).

    I know this is not for everyone, but from what I have gathered through friends, experience, and stories. NYC leans in favor of Men in dating, and Boston leans in favor of women in dating. Possibly consider making a major life change and move to a new city?

    Personally, I am comfortable with my current career and being single, and as M33 I have less biological pressure to settle. But my suggestion is consider making major life changes if your current method/results aren’t working. I think its very common in our modern society to look at everything in the aggregate (Making generalizations across large swaths of populations/areas). But in many aspects of life, the importance for the individual really comes down to smaller events/changes/statistics. For example, if you got into an accident that would be a major event for you – but in the aggregate its a rounding error. And when one takes dating, perhaps it just comes down to the sub-set you are working with. Change it up.

26. I do product design periodically. Trying to get the perfect product is all but impossible, but we try and revise and improve on what we want. At some point you get 80% or slightly more of what you want. Then you think about pulling the trigger.

    You may have to tier the needs into smaller chunks, perhaps some of your deal breakers could be wants and not needs ?

27. >progressive political/social views
    >taller than me

    I’m *super* Left; like straight socialist/Communist and it’s always funny to me when I come across this. Let’s question gender roles and deconstruct gender stereotypes (which I’m all in favour of myself, personally), but when comes to my partner, I *cannot* help but follow a gendered script. I wonder how you’d justify this without using some sort of Conservative argument, or just throwing your hands up saying I don’t know. There’s obviously a limit, I’m not saying you need to start swiping on individuals 2 feet tall, but if you personally can’t muster up the ability to first swipe on *anyone* shorter than you, you might want to deconstruct that.

    Literally from a conversation earlier today:

    [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6egLEuUTFq4&list=PLFs19LVskfNzQLZkGG_zf6yfYTp_3v_e6&t=3999s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6egLEuUTFq4&list=PLFs19LVskfNzQLZkGG_zf6yfYTp_3v_e6&t=3999s)

28. From what you wrote, your criteria seem reasonable, but you know what I would do? I’d look on Google to figure out, using statistics, exactly how many guys fit your criteria. For instance, what percentage of the male population is say, 5′ 9″ or more, what percentage makes say 70k or more, etc. Remember some statistics are exclusionary and others aren’t. Don’t forget to remove the percentage that are in long-term relationships.

29. I know that you’re guestimating but it’s tough to reconcile 75ish men you’ve dated over your dating life and still seeing the dating pool as shallow. This is to say nothing of you being single in the largest metro area in the country. I think it’s pretty fair to say you had your shot.

    I don’t think you have any unreasonable dealbreakers now, but who knows what those were 5 years ago.

    The reality it’s that we should all have a few true dealbreakers..as in things you will not look past. but if it’s a long list, that’s going to be a problem for anyone.

    I certainly wish you luck. There is a lid for every pot and I never advise anyone to give up..ever. Hope you find the guy for you soon!

30. You didnt like a single guy.. like NOT EVEN ONE.. out of a pool of.. ONE HUNDRED men???

    Could it possibly mean some introspection is required?

    What will the next set of 100 (and then 100) men offer you that the last one did not?

31. I’m just going to say something I feel like you may already know if you previously lived in the city – the fact that *you don’t actually live in NYC* is a dealbreaker for 80% of that dating pool. I lived in Manhattan for close to a decade – someone living in deep Brooklyn or Queens was already pushing how far I was willing to travel for a date; someone who lived within 50 miles of the city would have been a complete nonstarter for me.

32. A lot of women in cities do this, focus on their career in their 20s, then jump out into the dating scene in their 30s wanting something serious from jump.

    The reality is that dating is hard for everyone, regardless of intentions, but those with very little experience seem to think that they can proclaim their intentions and jump to the front of the LTR/marriage line, but that’s not the case, you gotta date and kiss a few frogs find the one.

    For some more concrete examples, I’m a 37m in the DC area, and have gone one dates with hundreds of women over the last decade from apps. Of those a lot have made it a few weeks or months, and a small handful made it to 4-6 months. In most of those cases, they wanted more than I wanted, and we went our seperate ways, and soon after, they found guys they are engaged to or have been dating a year plus

    As for me, I’ve wanted a relationship at different times, but you can’t rush in. I’m currently seeing a woman (33) for about 8 months who may very well be the love of my life. How’d it happen? Well we made out intentions clear early, but we also went through the process of dating (dates, dating, dating exclusively, etc) and even though we both stopped being interested in others early, and we’re spending the night at each other’s place most nights, we didn’t start attaching labels until maybe 5 months in (she didn’t want to rush because last year someone she met pressured her into a relationship super early)

    Ultimately, no matter what you want out there, you won’t find it by hoping super hard that you’ll be in a relationship in a month

33. >Monogamous relationship/marriage, children, progressive political/social views, doesn’t smoke, not religious, (edit) taller than me (I’m 5’7).

    Every single dealbreaker you have winnows out guys. That’s the nature of dealbreakers.

    Now, these dealbreakers don’t seem too out there on the face of them, if they are your only dealbreakers.

    But *are* they your only dealbreakers? Or are there other, silent dealbreakers that you aren’t mentioning? Does he need to have a certain level of income or social status? Does he need to have a handsome face? Can he have been in prison? What about tattoos? Is weight an issue? Does he need to have a car? What if he lives with his parents to help take care of them in their old age and save on rent? What if he’s a progressive in most respects but he’s also a strong believer in the 2nd amendment? What if he’s a superfan about [fishing/anime/tabletop wargaming/insert hobby you don’t have any interest in here]?

    I suspect that if you think about it carefully, you’ll find that you have more than just the dealbreakers you listed. The problem is that every dealbreaker you have reduces your pool further.

    So you should do some soul searching and decide what is a true deal breaker, and what’s just something that’s nice to have but not essential. Because if you expect to find someone, you can only afford maybe three to five true dealbreakers. And those need to be spent wisely on true incompatibilities.

34. I live in the NYC area and honestly think it’s just a mixture of the current state of dating apps regardless of location and luck. I’m 36M, looking for a LT relationship and want a family sooner rather than later.

    First time I lived in NY, my ex was my very first date, we clicked and had a 5 year long relationship. I moved back 8 months ago as a single dude and….. it’s been a completely different experience. I’ve gone on about 60ish first dates in the past 8 months and I’ve noticed some patterns for sure, a lot has been brought up in this thread.

    I’d say most of the women I’ve gone on dates with lacked the genuine energy. What I mean is they brought this mixture of perceivable sadness (because of a prior relationship that didn’t pan out), or jadedness from being unsuccessful with dating up to that point. Like they’d actively make these the topics of conversation vs. trying to get to know me. I could probably tell you details about each of these women as I approached these dates with genuine curiosity to learn about the other person and very few returned any of that curiosity. As that’s the energy they brought, I didn’t have a desire to see them again and 0 of them tried to ask me for a second date. It almost felt like they weren’t genuinely interested in dating (despite the mentioning of LTR on their profiles, etc) and this was more of a “I should be doing this, even though I’m not in the right space” mindset.

    The wild thing is I’m 100% the type of person who likes to give people multiple chances and if any of them asked for a second date even though that was the energy they brought, I would have said yes!

    For the few where the talking flowed naturally and there was a legitimate 2-way conversation, when I would ask for second dates, some would cite a lack of chemistry or not seeing us in a LT relationship. As has been mentioned, hard to say if that’s the truth or just what’s being said as an easy go-to vs. the actual truth. I do think a lot of people mistake chemistry for someone who’s just generally extroverted, which in that case would have this “chemistry” with a lot of people they talk to. (introvert here) And going back to myself giving people multiple chances, the love I had for previous partners was developed after getting to know them really well and spending time with them, not within the first hour of meeting with them. (and all started with a match on a dating app)

    And then it’s just subjective filtering that limits the interactions for a lot of people. As someone in Hoboken, I’ve run into plenty of people who think this part of NJ is a million miles away from NY when in reality it’s quicker for me to get to Manhattan than most of Brooklyn.

    Lastly, 5’8 dude here 🙃