This story has many small parts that I could include into the story but I’m going to try to summarize it as best as possible.
I am a 20 year old male who had never had a girlfriend before 19, this post is about her. I was 19, she was 29, when we met playing a game called Ark online. She told me that something about my quiet and almost “mysterious” (without sounding cringe) ways intrigued her and she knew she wanted that. We talked more and more in the coming weeks, and eventually we were pretty much together without it being official based off what we said to each other. The only reason we officially got together so soon is her daughter jokingly asking us if we were gonna date. I was aware of her having a daughter, and I was ok with it.
Where the story threw some of my friends off enough to tell me it was likely doomed from the start is the fact that she started talking to me at the end of a 10 year marriage to a female (she had her daughter before this marriage at 18), and the marriage was really bad. Her wife was a terrible person and she told me she felt alone and trapped in the marriage, and that she was over it almost as soon as it started. So anyways, we started dating, she moved out of the house her ex and her shared, and moved back in with her mom so she could look for the perfect place. Her mom is also a terrible person which will contribute to decisions and other things later on, but as of now there’s too much to go into on her mom.
I forgot to say before, but we live about 10 hours away from each other (myself in Texas, Her in Georgia), so it’s not *easy* for us to meet often. We never actually met, I brought up the idea of using my vacation time to see her multiple times to no avail, she told me the first time I asked that she didn’t want to have our meeting be corrupted by all of the negatives in her life (some of my friends said this sounds shaky and still isn’t enough of a reason). The second or third time I can remember her saying that once we met in person “it was all over” in the sense of the relationship starting to move way faster, which I told her I was fine with, but she seemed shaky about it. She said that we would always want to be in person and stuff which is obvious, but I really still don’t know if that’s enough of a reason to not see me. For context I believe these times were about 3-5 months into the relationship, when I asked to go see her. She was the type of person to not let me send her gifts and stuff on holidays even though I wanted to, so I never even knew her address, just the town. (Please tell me honestly, is this whole section a huge red flag? Based on my experience with her and how I know her best I’d like to say it’s not because it had “good intent, but I really don’t know…)
At about 6-7 months into the relationship (roughly) we almost broke up one time, her reason being that she felt like I was doing what her ex did in the sense of not spending enough time with her outside of just texting and calling (which happened literally all day every day). She told me that she essentially mourned our relationship for weeks to months before she even told me about it, so she pretty much mentally was broken up with me. I was so upset, I can remember almost begging her to not do this because I wanted to be better and I also told her how unfair that was to me, and we barely got back together unofficially. Essentially, she is the type of person who has always had to make decisions for everyone, so when she makes up her mind on something it’s almost impossible to change (which is why I had to try so hard to get back together). As an example, towards the end of the relationship we got on the topic of body types somehow (we would sometimes show each other attractive people or point them out verbally in public, but it was never an issue) she is used to the curvy body type in her area (she is very curvy herself) and I know more of the skinny side. I told her something like I think when someone is over 200 pounds AND unhealthy, that’s a bad sign/turnoff for me. She took it as I was saying that everyone over that is unhealthy and fat (not what I said at all) and I tried to explain what I said but she just told me no your wrong, and later during the time I tried to reach out the other day told me I don’t like her body type etc, even after I clearly disagreed (sorry for that little rant section I’m trying to be as thorough as possible). For the end of this section I’m going to give some context for something that happened while we were “broken up”, essentially during this small timeframe when this was happening, some other girl started trying to hang out with me and get with me. I told her I wasn’t interested, and that I was still pretty much with my ex and blah blah, this may be important later.
(The rest won’t fit here I’ll continue to in a comment)
For the tldr rule, so far the relationship was pretty ok till the end where she almost didn’t want to keep going because she was convinced it was over
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CONTINUANCE
Fast forward again, the relationship was just fine for a few months (from my perspective at least), I quit the job I was working at because it was awful, so up until recently I was not having any work lined up (I’m starting another job soon). For reference she has also been out of a job for as long as I remember, she was actively working on phlebotomy school with just a few little nick nack jobs in between, meaning she typically either had a lot of free time or just other errands and not work itself. At my old job, it was a physical labor job with many stops from a truck a day so I would call/text her between every stop pretty much, after I quit the job we still texted very often but the calls dropped off significantly. I can recall her asking at least once why I stopped calling as much, and while there isn’t a reason, it just didn’t happen as much. Essentially the only time we would actually call is if I initiated, which was preceded by me almost feeling obligated to have to ask her if she wanted to and if she was free (which I think I shouldn’t have to feel like that?). Every now and then she would call me but from what I remember the calls never turned out being normal, it’s like it was almost forced, it just didn’t feel natural.
Fast forward some time, I believe about 2 months or so, she told me (I can’t remember the exact wording and such) that she feels like we could spend some more quality time again, which I agreed to. I don’t know why, but for some reason it just didn’t happen. A bit more time passes, she brings it up again, nothing changed, and maybe even once or twice more that repeated. I would like to say I can claim ignorance as to why I didn’t change, but I really don’t know and that bothers me so much in hindsight. It got to the point where she told me she really wanted to see it and that next time she would need to end it, and that’s finally when it started to click. Over the next week or so I tried to play games and stuff with her (we played games decently often), but it didn’t really seem to happen still (I was actually trying to initiate). After about a week of me trying to change, she started a hard conversation, which essentially led to her telling me she thinks we should break up. I tried to explain I understand how she felt and that I was changing now but she said she felt like she would almost have an unconscious grudge against me. She told me she wanted to break up, and tried to do it in a way to save my feelings (she always did this), and told me that whoever ended up with me was a lucky girl and I was a good man etc. In hindsight, it’s like she is implying I don’t think she’s good enough or something, also as a side note before I forget to mention it, throughout the relationship she would give me *advice* about relationships and how to do things and such, and she worded it in a future sense which also kind of implied that she didn’t see it working(?)
After that last night, we didn’t speak for about a month, which I reached out afterwards. I told her I wanted to talk if that was ok, about us, and she pretty quickly told me it wasn’t something she wanted to revisit. We kept talking for a bit about the whole problem and such, and I (maybe stupidly from what I’ve read) tried to tell her how I wanted to change, how I wanted to treat her in the future, how I wanted to make her so happy, etc, spilling my heart out pretty much. She told me that she thinks I never loved her as a person, but I only liked the status of a relationship and being close to someone which I really don’t agree with (what do you think?) She pretty much implied that we would never work out and that it would be nigh insanity to try again because she doesn’t want to be in a relationship that makes her feel like that (I agree on the last part and I truly deeply regret making her feel that way). Pretty much she went from telling me that she felt safe to me, to not being able to trust me because I was too dumb to change
I really really badly don’t want to say goodbye because I truly want to do whatever I can to fix it, but everyone I’ve asked says they think that it’s over and that she had some issues (listed above) that made it super unfair for me to try to fill in. I really just want unbiased opinions even though I know my friends are not very biased. I’ve seen stories of people getting back together months or years later and that gives me hope even though I know it’s unhealthy to hold onto
I have so many questions that maybe someone here could have a good look on, and maybe having these answered from an outside perspective can help me either move on or fix it if possible. I know the only true answer would be from her but she doesn’t like to talk about the situation, she told me it makes her physically feel bad even compared to all the trauma she’s gone through
I don’t know if I’m just stuck on the good memories, but she has so many good qualities and we went together so well that I feel like I’m going to be losing a unicorn if I can’t fix it. I can only as of now really think about 1-2 negatives
Should I be trying to move on, or should I somehow try to see if it can be fixed in time? I care so much that I want to, but I know it’s a 2 way street. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror or think about certain video games and such without thinking of sending her pictures and playing games, I am just so worried that I won’t be able to find someone that is that compatible in almost every single way again. I feel like my standards are built around her now and it’s killing me.
I tend to forget to add things until after I send/post, so I may edit and add things.
Tldr, we got together and were really compatible, and all was well until the middle where we almost broke up because she was worried we weren’t communicating enough. We got on well again until close to the end, where she again felt like we weren’t hanging out enough, and I was too stupid to realize until it was too late in the last week or so. I have realized I want to fix it by any means possible, but I don’t know how and really would like advice
>…she feels like we could spend some more quality time again, which I agreed to. I don’t know why, but for some reason it just didn’t happen. A bit more time passes, she brings it up again, nothing changed, and maybe even once or twice more that repeated. I would like to say I can claim ignorance as to why I didn’t change, but I really don’t know and that bothers me so much in hindsight.
You need to leave her alone – she’s been clear about that. All you can do now is try to figure out why you avoided doing what she asked for so you can do better in the next relationship.
So you never actually met in person, because of her?
She had her own issues to work on and should not have tried to date.
Only date available people, and availability refers to relationship status, emotional health, and logistics.
She’s 29 dating a 19yr old. Run away
Have you video chatted?
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A ten hour long distance relationship is never going to work when there is not frequent visits. And you guys have never even met!
She’s 10 years older than you, she’s your first gf, she has lived life- (marriage and a child,)you haven’t even started yet and to top it all off, you live across the country from each other.
And no offense, but she seems extremely shady- she won’t even tell you where she lives.
she complained that you don’t spend “quality” time together- what was she expecting? You can only talk and text. There is no quality time when you are not physically in the same place.
This was never ever going to work out. And you should be thanking your lucky stars for that.
Now go find a girl your own age and see what dating is really all about.
Random question that might not matter: was she legally married for 10 years? Because same-sex marriage has not been legal for a decade, it’s only been legal since 2015 iirc.
Move on. The relationship sounds like more work than what your getting out of it. Find someone closer to you
Yes, you messed up really badly. How are you ever going to find another 30+ year old mentally ill divorced single mother living with her parents who doesn’t want to meet you in person?
what are you gaining from this “relationship” ?? you’ve never even *met* her, is this really what you want at 20? don’t you want to spend your youth meeting women you can actually touch? you’re getting no real dating experience. she is anything but a unicorn. she actually sounds extremely difficult to be in a relationship with. i think you should up and run because everything about this is weird and has endless red flags to me.
i’m barely older than you and if someone said this was their dating history i would be turned off to them just because i’d be like “what the hell is your judgment?”
It’s emotionally unhealthy to stay hung up on this. LET IT GO! Be grateful for what you learned about yourself and another person. Your placing too much value into sunk costs that cannot be recovered. She was never truly available to you. It was not the basis for a healthy relationship.
Today I have simple advice:
A good partner makes your life easier,
not harder.
That advice goes both ways.
You find ways to make things easier for your partner, and they find ways to make things easy for you.
Let’s do some math.
In a whole relationship, where 2 people working together are able to meet most of their own needs, plus find ways to make their partners’lives easier, this type of partnering gains exponentially. 2 squared is 4. That is a powerful relationship.
Two healthy people can try to couple, but if they only meet their own needs and fail to look for ways to make their partners’lives easier you have 1×1=1. It’s not a bad relationship. It is probably best to expect these types of relationships to be short term.
For example this 1×1 relationship may not work out if one partner desires more powerful partnering than the other. Let’s say this partnership desires to have children and only one person invests in the children, and the other partner stays focused primarily on their needs, the bonds of the relationship are likely to breakdown. In a long term relationship it can seem tragic if what appears to be a strong partnership is ended by one of the partners. But it is better to end an unfulfilled relationship than to continue to invest energy into previously sunk costs.
But what you described is a partnership with someone who is demanding you to make him whole. The romantic notion of “you complete me” can sound validating but in reality is quite codependent and destructive.
So if you can count yourself as a whole. But your partner as a half… half of one is only half. That means your partner is diminishing your power. You are better off without him.
If you also are unable to meet your needs, then maybe the math is half of half which is one quarter. You each diminish the other’s power, ending up with much less than you start with on your own. This is a very unhealthy relationship that will bleed dependency out to family and society. You are both better off not staying together. Even if you have amazing sexual chemistry.
The most toxic and destructive relationship is with a parasitic person These are narcissists and con artists. They live a voracious half life of possessing and entitling themselves to you. They have no problem with tossing your remains to the side once they no longer gain value from you. In this equation they are 0 and you are 1. The equation is 0-1=-1 because they will destroy you.
It can be hard to build yourself enough to be a whole person ready for a powerful relationship. But it will never happen if you invest in people who diminish your power. It doesn’t mean you are not kind, or that you don’t wish to help others. It means you set boundaries, and learn to say, “I can’t fix this for you. It is your problem to figure out.” You say that because that is exactly what you have to do to become a whole person.
You have to be the one to change.
You can’t change anyone else.
I would usually try not to be judgy just on age gap alone. However, you write like you do not have the maturity/experience to have and maintain a serious relationship. Then you add a long-distance relationship. Then you add a long-distance relationship with a single mom of a teen daughter closer to your age than you are to hers. Then you add she recently separated from a 10 year relationship with someone of her same gender. That you met her virtually playing a game online. That you have never met her in person. That you have already fought and broken up at least once but maybe not because you weren’treally an item “officiall”. That she won’t meet up or let you visit. That you don’t even know her address.
This “relationship” makes zero sense. Snap out of it, try to date the other girl that showed interest and exists in real life.