Yay. Happy birthday to me, and all that.
Maybe writing will help me put my thoughts in order.
It was my birthday two days ago. I’m a dude who turned 40. I don’t know what I’m supposed to see in the mirror. I’m look younger than I am, perks of sports and not havign kids and always sleeping as much as I need. I have nephews and nieces, I’m paying for the education for one of them as their parents are a bit short on finances. They don’t exactly struggle, but I got a well-paid job and I discussed it with the parents, the kids will get it all eventually. In the meantime, I don’t want my nephew to not get any vacation just because his mom and dad are tight on cash. So I chime in.
I never wanted children of my own. Never felt the drive for it, and as much as I love the kids, a few days is enough for me to wish I had some quiet and private space again, preferably for an extended period of time. Children aren’t for everyone, they aren’t for me.
I would have liked a romantic life though. It was a chore, I don’t like going otu that much and meeting new people is tiring. But I tried a lot over the years. Dating apps, meeting people through friends, through hobbies. The few first dates I got fizzled out fast, the rest was a lot of wasted time. I never was any good speaking to people. I can make friends, but I never understood the intricacies of human interactions. It played a huge part I guess.
A long line of rejection of which I lost count left a mark. At 30-something I was angry, turned into a porn addict, had insane standards, joined the less stellar communities of the internet (you can guess which). I don’t know what did it, but I eventually realized I was wrecking my own health pretty badly this way. I quit the communities, quit porn, quit dating apps and quit trying to meet new people. I felt like I needed to reassess a form of control over my life. Instead I put that time into stuff that brought me results. More sports, more writing, more gardening, a lot more meditation.
I missed out on some important stuff in life, but then there’s little to be gained in thinking about that. When I do, I just aknowledge the thought and let it go (trick taken from a meditation book, among others). It was okay, over time I managed to think less and less about sex and relationships, it seemed so strange and unrealistic that slowly weeding the thoughts out of my head was the most sensitive thing to do. It went pretty well.
For some reason though, my friends appear to be a lot more open about talking about sex and love and stuff. Maybe I’m just dreaming it, maybe people at 40 just stop caring altogether about it. But it bothers me, it makes me think about what it would be like to be wanted by someone, to be desired, to have someone say “I want you”. More than sex, it’s the idea of living life next to someone that I keep going back to, and I don’t like that. Usually I can get see these thoughts from afar and let it go, but it’s gotten a lot harder.
I suppose it’s normal to think that, as it’s part of being a social being. But that hasn’t worked out so well in the past, so I’m trying to get over it. I hope I get over it fast.
Did some folks on here go through a similar problem? How did you handle it?
Thank you for reading folks, have a nice day.
39 comments
Plenty of people go through the same thing. You can do either of two things
1. What you’re already doing
2. Work on your weaknesses
I feel like there’s a chance there if you want to take it. But it’ll require you to work on things you probably don’t want to.
But if you’ve truly moved on from the need for a relationship, I guess that’s that.
>I would have liked a romantic life though.
You can still have one.
Get back out there, you wacky wizard.
You picked a good time to check out of the dating game. It’s never been worse, and will continue to get far worse for everyone. I’d stay away from all the chaos, as lonely and depressing as it is.
The birth of the legendary Great Sage.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
Hey dude,
First off, mad props for opening up about this. It’s not easy to put it all out there, especially when it’s stuff that’s been weighing on you. You’ve clearly done a lot of soul-searching and it’s awesome that you’ve made strides to take care of your mental health and find your own peace.
Wanting to be close to someone, to be desired, that’s human nature, man. And it sucks when it feels like that’s not in the cards for you. But you’re not alone. There are plenty of us out here who’ve felt the same way.
Keep doing what makes you happy. Sports, writing, gardening, meditation – that’s all solid stuff that’s clearly giving you some good vibes. Stick with it.
As for the loneliness, have you thought about talking to a professional about it? Therapists or counselors can be game-changers. They’ve got strategies and tools that can help you navigate these feelings. And remember, it’s never too late to ask for help.
And don’t sweat about not following the “life script”. Everyone’s journey is different. Just because a lot of people do the whole love, marriage, kids thing, doesn’t mean it’s the only way to live. You do you.
Reaching out like this is a great step. You might find some comfort and advice in the stories of others who’ve been in your shoes. Remember, it’s okay to ask for help and it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. You’re not alone in this.
Keep your head up, man. You’ve got this.
I’ll bet there is a match out there – someone living a similar life you’ve lead- shit I know someone right now – she is a little older, but life and frustration and stagnation built her into a 45 yr old virgin with lots of excuses and reasons and rationalizations coupled with wanted to have the things she is missing out on.
Anyway- advertise your truth out there in the OLD world, there will be people with similar stories looking for someone with similar interests.
I feel like maybe the first step is to see and find a woman (or man? Idk) that you specifically take interest in.
Just broadly aiming and hoping to find someone rarely works especially in this time and age.
You said you take care of yourself and have hobbies (and thank god you have enough self awareness to check out of those toxic communities). I have a feeling you really can find someone.
It’s difficult. That’s normal. It’s not you, so don’t be too harsh on yourself.
Huge congrats for getting out of those toxic groups when you did
Apprentice wizard here, I hit 30 and I’ve never even been on a date. I chalk it up to possessing little to no understanding of romantic/sexual relationships. I genuinely don’t get how two people go from strangers to hooking up within hours, days, or even weeks of meeting one another. I don’t get how it’s possible to “see a look” or “feel a mood” and somehow this is enough to know how to interact with another person, someone you barely know, in a sexual context. People have often told me I lack confidence, however I find this to be BS. I’ve never had issues talking about the way I’m feeling about someone or taking actions I feel in a moment. I’ve just never had sex or felt an urge to kiss someone, so what? And while I am *interested* in trying to find some kind of romance, I have no idea how I’m expected to navigate such a thing when it seems most people just *know* what to look for. I don’t.
My advice to you is to stop caring. I know that’s way easier said than done. I think most people have some kind of void in their life, a desire for love and companionship, sharing happiness with someone else. Most people fill this void with romance and sex. In my opinion, it is just as valid to fill it with loving and fulfilling friendships. There’s no rules that say you have to fuck people and marry those who make you happy. I love my friends, I would do anything for them and I couldn’t imagine where I’d be in my life if it weren’t for them.
I have pretty much accepted that I may never understand how all of this romance and sex stuff works. But I don’t have to beat myself up over it or hate myself for it. That’s no fun. Life is so much more fun if you’re able to let yourself live that way. So my advice is to stop caring. Besides, 99.9% of “dating advice” I read all implies there is some level of control you have over this shit. There’s not and you will drive yourself fucking insane trying to establish some kind of control. It sucks the fun out of life, because when nothing works the only thought you’re left with is you suck and you’re a failure. How could you not when everyone else makes it look so easy? It’s bullshit. Our worth and our happiness doesn’t come from this shit, don’t let people tell you that.
People don’t go to therapy for 10 years, get ripped in a gym, maximize their income and build financial security before they start dating. If they did, nobody would be fucking. People just go and do it, everyone is a work in progress, and you simply be yourself. Many people won’t like you, and that’s okay. It’s literally luck, it’s being in the right place at the right time and that’s it. Some people are more lucky than others. People like us aren’t so lucky. We may never be lucky and find our person. Even if I never find someone for me, I’ll at least be surrounded by people who love me and love them back just the same. That’s more fun than the alternative.
With the current trend of men having less and less sex, they probably have to remake the movie and up the age on it
I felt like i was reading about an older version of my self a part for some point, i am a 29 year old virgin, who want a love life, but sick of dating app who doesnt get me any result, meeting girl by work, friends, who never end well.
I would to have an aswer, but i am as confuse as you and still going througt that, maybe you, we need try to go out without any exceptation and it will work.
I can’t really help you as I started on the path of self improvement early on at 19 years of age.I wasn’t great socially but I have always had a few women that were interested in me just as I was. I have come leaps and bounds in the years. I can easily entertain large groups of women now.
I don’t chase women I ignore women and observe the ones who make themselves available to me. At 40 all isn’t lost to be truthful. You said that you dumped toxic communities well here is another one to do the same because it will crush your spirit.The internet has created the hive mind which thinks alike. Men think that women will think they are creepy if they approach. That’s great for people like me because I have no competition yes online maybe but not in the real world.
If I were you I would work on social skills and practice rehearsing encounters with people. Even though I am really good now I still visualise every day. Its impossible to tell someone how to act socially because it’s very individual.
If you want to level up check out Mate – Geoffrey miller and the mating grounds podcast old but gold.
I just want to congratulate you about having self-awareness and trying to change your life for the better. Not many people can pause and reevaluate and realize when they have a problem. Good on you for not only altering your feelings but also trying to change your way of thinking. That’s very important. I hope you find even greater success in the future.
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Reddit advice usually goes “Don’t rush it.. You will meet her at the right time”
Its about as useful as “Be yourself”
Clearly if you want the rest of your life to be any better, you’re going to have to be someone else. Someone better.
I had sex for the first time when I was 16. I was high and drunk and I don’t remember it.
After that I’ve had 29 years of sex and relationships of various levels of success.
Yes I’ve definitely had more experience than you in that area.
But it would be hard to know for certain if that has helped or harmed my sense of happiness, satisfaction and self-worth over the years.
The funny thing is I never stopped to think if there was a different path.
For the longest time all I’ve wanted to do was meet, date, sleep with and get into relationships with women.
Its been a motivating force in my life.
Studied hard. Got a degree. I got a high paying job and a nice car. A home. Expensive clothes and grooming. I’ve worked out for since I was 14.
I have a $200 month skincare regime. And bunch of other stuff that I borderline do not care about.
In many ways, most of my choices have been motivated by my desire for women.
I could’ve been much happier with a simpler, less competitive existence.
My friends who’re married see me dating this girl and that girl and they think I’m cool.
I see them hugging their wife and children and all I feel is envy.
In the end, it doesn’t matter what choice you make, something else will have to be sacrificed.
For me, I’ve had fun and freedom. But I’ve sacrificed personal growth and connection.
I guess what I’m saying is, your life is your choices and no matter what choices you make you can’t avoid loosing something.
Everyone has sacrificed something. No one is really better off than anyone – certainly not when it comes to sex and relationships.
Hey man. For starters, mad respect for owning your problem and opening up about it.
I checked the comments a bit, and, well, most people have already said it, you could probably benefit from therapy to help you navigate those feelings, and also, if you only got a string of rejections by your 30’s, that’s probably because, a) you’re doing something wrong, and/or b) whatever you were doing, was not attracting the kind of female attention you wanted.
On paper, you seem to have the things most women are into: look younger, sporty, have a hobby, a well-paying job, etc.
So probably there’s something “off” in what you were doing. Maybe it’s your personality? Maybe it’s the way you’re facing this whole thing and what your “vibes” or nonverbal cues say, that’s off-putting to females?
So, again, I’d advise a therapist, or at least someone with whom you could talk about this, and work it out.
Do not despair and keep going on you mad wizard!
Therapy dude! It sounds like you have the funds to go to a good one, and it’s okay to try out different therapists.
Sidenote: It’s also okay to break the barrier via legal prostitution (nevada for example).
But in all honesty, it sounds like you might be on the spectrum or have other things going on that a good therapist can work with you to help ease.
Also, there is no shame in any of this, and it’s never too late to make progress on bettering yourself
Definition of insanity is doing the same thing and hoping for different results
Uproot
Travel
Frankly, pay for it
Sunken cost fallacy, just get a prostitute dude
The evolution of desire by David Buss is a good book that explains human romantic relationships and how they’ve evolved over time.
I’m 27 and pretty much the same way. Still a virgin, still can’t talk to women without getting too anxious, I watch too much porn. I jerk off too much.
Every single day though I look at people I consider to be heroes and legends like David Goggins, Tony Robbins, Andrew Tate (yes I know, but who cares), Myron Gaines, and pretty much anyone I know to be rich and successful that inspires me.
It’s actually a bloody shame I am the way I am because I’m actually good looking I just don’t have the confidence to match. I’m also a “nice guy”. I get approached by women at work all the time (it’s an automatic “no” from me cuz I’m at work) but don’t know how to go from there to hooking up even if I wanted to.
I know for sure I’m a loser, I’ve accepted it and need to change it. I just don’t know how. The only thing I know is “strong body, strong mind” so I’m hitting the gym and trying to be grateful and inspired. I’m here for a reason. I can at least cringe at my past self cuz I’ve gotten better at talking to people, I just need to keep getting better.
You are likely on the autistic spectrum. Social skills come naturally to most people, but not to us.
For me, it takes a lot of mental overhead just to function in social settings, thinking about the right thing to do or say. I still make what others probably see as stupid mistakes.
Flirting, in particular, is a minefield. I have never understood how to do it.
Intellectually, I know what flirting involves: two people repeatedly and reciprocally navigate right up to the edge of social inappropriateness, to gently push at that line, without ever crossing it.
Trying to do that kind of thing without having an instinctive sense of where those shifting boundaries are is just terrifying.
Still, even without that ability, I have managed to have relationships with women, and was married over 20 years. But it took intense motivation to get past the hurdles. It also requires finding compatible women who could tolerate my quirks.
Is it possible you are living in your head so much that you don’t connect with people or even notice when they are interested?
I’m 9 years away but I don’t think it’ll change anytime soon.
I’ve been doing the exact same journey. I’m almost 40. I’m not a virgin but only had sex a handful of times when I was 25. Other then that nothing. I also look younger, get carded when in buy beer etc.
I decided when I was 35 that I wanted to feel what intimacy was like so I got a sex doll.
To me the worst part is I feel like I’m left out on a huge chunk of what it means to be human. Love songs, sex, kids, relationships… I looks at it all like someone would look into an aquarium. I also ruminate a lot about it. Like I can get stuck on my phone for 8h a day just thinking about what I don’t have.
I started to see a sex therapist to ensure I stop thinking about it so much. It will always be a wound but hopefully I can make it hurt less as I age and make room for other things.
I recommend using Vitro so they can take your sperm and fertilize an egg from a donor so that you can have a son
I have a cousin with the same situation, he’s also 40 and virgin, despite the fact that I have tried to help him meet someone several times he’s never accepted, frankly I can’t understand how you or him have been able to do it, all the nice things you said about being with someone and feeling wanted and stuff are true and good and beautiful but I think sex has various physical benefits, especially regarding stress reduction , I’m not saying I’m pro prostitution but I think you should have looked into it and found a few women in this profession 15 years age , frankly I haven’t had been able to not have any sex longer than 3 months , bcz any longer than 3 months I will start getting aroused constantly, I’m not judging at all believe me , I’m just not able to understand it, my cousin is deeply religious and against premarital relations but still I think a huge part of his depression and aggression is due to his virginity, and I think if put an end to it then the next time you go on a date you’ll have a much better chance
i assume you would rather remain a virgin later than normal than to ever pay for sex or than go to an escort, sex worker, prostitute
I’m a 37 yr old Male Virgin. I’ll likely hit this in a few years!
From what you described it sounds to me like you definitely have more than enough going for you to date someone. There are some women who see men that are financially stable and building their wealth as extremely attractive. Your financial success is literally a pair of rose colored glasses and they will see you as a more handsome and all around great guy as a result. It’s hard to imagine you couldn’t meet one of these women to kick start your dating life. And if it’s really bumming you out then try seeking Arrangements and get your experience that way. But don’t let your past challenges short circuit your current or future opportunities.
if u would try casually u would release some tension around the topic
I’m afraid this is going to be me. I’m pushing 33, have plenty of finances and friends and shit, but I’ve never even been on a date. Making it to 30 was bad enough, I think at 40 I might just cut my losses, give all my assets to my family, and walk into the ocean.
I am 51, never dated, never married, no kids, no friends. I think I am happy. .. where I work, lot of girls but girls are difficult to understand, may be because they are from different planet (last I heard, it was Venus). Girls brain is on different wavelength. Can you talk to girls about your favorite action hero (may be i watched too much Seinfeld) I guess if it is suppose to happen, it may happen, but not looking forward intensely, may be Harmone level of mine going down.
Though I have 6 lovebirds and they are perfect toddlers
Sometime I take it as if I have wife and kids, but they don’t care about me, so life goes on…
This is one of the most interesting and thought provoking things I’ve read in awhile
I hope you find what you’re looking for. I’m in a similar state of mind. Done with dating apps and obsessing about finding a guy. Just hoping it happens organically but until then, will live happy.
As a 28 year female virgin I get where you are coming from. It’s lonely…they say for women it’s easier to have any guy you want but that has not been the case with me. It’s to the point where I think if I even do get into a relationship I wouldn’t know how to tend to that persons needs emotionally, physically, mentally etc. I’m just so used to doing my own thing…but my heartaches because I really want to be able to connect with someone but I’m not as capable as I would like.
I know it’s not the same but I relate a bit as a 24 year old virgin. I feel like everyone around me and media is constantly talking about sex and relationships. I think what’s helped me most is just trusting that it’ll happen eventually and that I’m happy with my choice of not having sex yet because I want to do that when I’m in a relationship and I think it’ll be more fulfilling that way even if I have to wait a lot longer. What’s helped with the loneliness is confiding in my friends about how I feel and working on fostering close friendships. I still do get lonely even when I talk to my friends and I still want a partner sometimes but it does help to have friends comfort me. Lastly, I think just going out to do things you already enjoy is a good way to meet people and even if you don’t end up dating you could make friends.
Hey dude, keep your chin up! You’re not alone in this hilarious journey. Remember, life’s surprises can be worth the wait.