Hi all,
I have been with my (28F) husband (31M) for 5 years, married for just over 2. We recently did a wedding celebration since we got married during covid.
We have a family iCloud account and moved to having a shared library so that we could have photos that it can easily share photos of each other. Last week, due to some syncing issues, older photos that included him started to appear on my photo library. Until this moment, we set it up so that it would only share from when we started dating. I asked him about the photos because I came across one with his grandparents that I have never met because they have passed on and I was curious. When he realized that older photos got sync to my library, he got upset and told me to stop looking and he will sort it out. His reaction made me curious, so while he was fixing it, I took a look at the other photos on my phone. It turns out it was a lot of photos with his ex, which I didn’t mind too much. When I asked him why he reacted the way he did, he told me it was because he knew I would get sad or jealous about it. Which was true because some photos were the same things we have done, trips we have gone and taken the exact same photos. But I let go of it, because I know we all have a past.
We spent a few days as usual with no issues, but I couldn’t stop thinking about his reaction. When we started dating, he made us promise not to snoop on each other’s facebook or social media. At that time, I thought maybe because we were all dumb and young and one point and probably have cheesy posts of our exes. I don’t use facebook, but I couldn’t help feel that he had something to hide, so I went to his page and scrolled through. He doesn’t post much, so it wasn’t long until I came across a relationship update about an engagement nearly 10 years ago. My heart sank because I have asked him before if he was ever engaged, married, or had a kid, and he has always denied it. Then I saw a photo of his ex-fiancee and realized she was wearing the same engagement ring that I have been wearing for nearly half of our relationship. I felt sick to my stomach and confronted him about it. At first, he denied it, but eventually he told me the whole truth.
He dated his ex throughout college, secured a good job after graduating, and felt pressured that it was time to get engaged. So he went to get a ring and proposed when he was 22. They broke it off a year later after realizing that they were not really a match and the relationship was toxic. At that time he was so crushed and went to his mother for advice. They decided together that they will pretend like the engagement never even happened.
Fast forward 4 years later, we met and he has always told me that from the moment he met me he knew I was the one. He was always more romantic than I was, and I never really believed in soulmates. I thought that he was the right person who came into my life at right time.
We dated for nearly 3 years before he popped the question. We never really talked about our past relationships because he said he that it didn’t matter. Over the years I figured out that he dated someone in college and had his heart broken, and after that he had many casual relationships before we met. I told him that it is fine if he doesn’t want to share about his past relationships, but I just wanted to know if he’s been engaged, married, or has a kid. He has always denied it. Then after nearly 2 years of marriage I found out that it has been a lie. I am crushed and feel betrayed. I also feel ashamed that he let me wear a ring that he gave to someone else and that it’s in all the photos from our recent wedding. I know it is just a ring, but I can’t help but feel disgusted.
He told me why he re-used the ring. He said that he considered getting one a new one for me, but decided that since he already had a very nice ring (that he financed because he couldn’t afford it when he was 22) that he would give it to me. He didn’t consider the last engagement to be real so it was just a really nice ring to him. Ultimately, he wanted to save money.
The ring is very nice, I have always adored it, and I know it was expensive. But I have always wondered why he chose this ring because when we went to the stores together to try some on before getting engaged, I liked some of the other rings that were more simple. Whenever I would ask him, why he chose this ring, he would always tell me that it was because he knew I deserved the best and he chose a ring that suited me and sparkled a lot. I’m sad for myself that he didn’t think I wasn’t special enough to get a new ring for, and that I have been wearing it like a fool. Even though he says this is not true, that I am special and he was just stupid, and wanted to save money. When he told his mom he wasn’t going to re-use the ring, she didn’t object so he thought it was no issue. This upsets me because we make good money and money has never been the issue. I also wouldn’t have cared if he bought me the cheapest ring possible. He could’ve sold this ring and bought something else without spending an extra cent too.
He has offered to buy me a new and more expensive ring of my liking as soon as possible. He asked us to go through marriage counseling and he would do individual counseling as well. He said that we don’t need to act like we are married anymore if I don’t want to and he wants to do everything he can to be a better person. He also feels happy/relieved that he doesn’t need to hide things anymore and want to start over again right this time. I told him I wanted a divorce, and I cannot be with someone who has lied to me about something so important and never even considered how I would feel about it.
Now that I slept on it, I feel like maybe I should give him another chance. I do know he’s done many stupid things before, and this is probably one of it. That he didn’t think about it too much and went with the most logical decision that he already had a perfectly good ring. The last 5 years we spent together wasn’t all a lie and we had some very good moments. I do think that I was glad I married him. But part of me also feels like I will never be able to forgive him for lying to me. Even if I get a new ring, whenever I look at it, I will always think of how I was betrayed and it took away the special feeling I used to have.
Am I stupid if I give him another chance? Am I stupid if I decide that I do want to throw away everything we built over this? I apologize that it got long, and thank you for those for reading. I appreciate it because I didn’t know who to talk to this about but I couldn’t keep it to myself any longer. I didn’t want people to be worried, didn’t know how to say it without seeming like a fool, and making him look bad if I were to stay with him.
TLDR: Found out my husband has been lying that he has been engaged before and he gave me a ring that was worn by his ex-fiancee. I don’t know how to move forward from this.
23 comments
I, personally, wouldn’t be able to get over it—it wasn’t just one lie, but a whole web of lies—but everyone is different.
You don’t need to make a decision right this minute. If you’re on the fence, it might help to talk to an individual therapist and then a couples therapist with him to sort out your feelings and what the future might look like if you stay. Then you can decide.
Have him stay somewhere else while you process.
You seem really focused on the ring. But the bigger issue, IMO, is the lying. If you do want to try to make the marriage work I would insist on marriage counseling.
>why he chose this ring, he would always tell me that it was because he knew I deserved the best and he chose a ring that suited me and sparkled a lot.
This man is ok with lying straight to your face. He only cried after he got caught and he’s [trickle-truthing](https://www.insider.com/what-is-trickle-truthing-lying-cheating-relationships-dating-2023-4) you.
What is weird is that he also organized the same vacations and you took the same pictures, like if he were recreating the same experience with the ex.
Did he tell you it was his first time in those places? Did he organize it? Because even if he wanted to keep his engagement a secret, he didn’t need to keep his whole relationship a secret.
Also, he proposed a LONG time after so he could have sold his ring and gotten you a new ring. He even wasted your time going to see engagement rings when he had one. How fake is that?
I’d be concerned about all the faking. What else is he lying about?
You need to, at the very least, go to marriage counseling and really press him for answers.
>Am I stupid if I give him another chance?
I wouldn’t tell him you are giving him another chance. I’d go to couple’s counseling to see if there’s something worth salvaging. Either you work through this together in counseling or at least you get closure.
But I wouldn’t tell him he has another chance because he has to really work through this.
Honesty is so important to me, I don’t think I could stomach staying with someone like that. This just comes across as so manipulative. To lie so casually destroys all trust.
But you’re not me. Where do you draw the line?
He could have exchanged it
This is hard. I’m with everyone else though. It’s the lying. The UNNECESSARY lying. What’s even the point of it?!? Would you care if he was engaged before? So, it was a toxic relationship that broke his heart. Don’t we all have one of those in our past?
And it’s incredibly tacky and disrespectful to give you a ring that was originally meant for another woman. Zero meaning behind that. Rings can be sold or traded. This shows zero effort on his part. And him taking you out to pick out rings, knowing he had a used one he was going to give you??? That’s just… shady.
Your relationship started with a pretty substantial lie. One that doesn’t even make sense. I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to call it quits. I can’t share my life with someone who would lie about stuff like this. What about the big stuff??? Was he really NEVER going to tell you?
Also, not wanting you to see his pictures from before? Or even his Facebook? Why is he being so secretive?? He’s ridiculous. And the fact that his family ALSO kept all this from you…. I don’t understand any of it.
Weirdly the recreated photos and trips are a far bigger red flag to me. The danger of very romantic people is they’re more about the romance, the person the romance is directed at is interchangeable
The lying, the length of the lies, the level he went to to keep the lies in place- all of those are pain points for me. The ring itself makes me sick, knowing you wanted something specific but got someone else’s left overs.
Will you be able to trust him again?
Will a new ring even matter or will it always remind you of what happened?
What can he do to repair the damage made?
I guess you have to figure out if you still love him and feel like with work and time this could be something you move on from. Remember that stepping away to reassess before making a permanent commitment like divorce is ok to do. You can take all the time to find out what you want and need.
I think u should move on. What else is he lying about will always haunt u. He doesn’t respect u. Sorry.
Rings are freaking expensive …. My biggest worry is that his past is not open to you. You are not the ahole.
Edit: I spaced in my original comment by thinking they were still engaged and not already married.
This man didn’t casually lie to you. He put up barriers so that you could never find out the truth. You blindly trusted him (because that’s what you do when you love someone, you trust them) and he manipulated your trust just to save some money. And then when you finally had access to photos of his ex he tried to set more boundaries so you wouldn’t catch him in a lie.
One would say it’s just a ring. Why is that so important you can’t forgive him. But at the same time, it’s just a ring – if he’s going to actively deceive you about a ring, what do you think he will do when the risk/reward is even higher? What about when he’s tempted by a coworker, or puts you in debt, or begins an addiction? You need to be able to trust and communicate with each other.
If you feel like you can salvage the relationship, I would separate your living situation and enter couples therapy ASAP.
It seems like you are a substitute for the woman he wants to be with. When he was on vacation with you he was recreating those moments with her. You were having romantic feelings about him while he was remembering his feelings for her. That is so creepy and disrespectful.
You deserve a man who wants new adventures with you. You deserve a man who fantasizes about you.
Oh, he sounds like a big fat lying momma’s boy too. You can do so much better. Best wishes to you.
I kind of want to speak to his mother too. Ask her why she keeps encouraging him to lie and do stupid shit. Another thing I want to know is what other dumb stuff do you speak of? Does he have a pattern of red flag behavior? The lying is definitely the biggest issue. If you want to give it a chance you definitely need therapy.
I think he made the decision, and it was too late to back up or tell you about it.
I would punish him for it, but not divorce him.
It’s a ring, I’ve lost at least 3 wedding rings
He has lied about so many things so many times, and for such a long time. And when you noticed something he still lied and tried to make you the bad guy. Only when he couldn’t deny he told you. A genuine question, how do you ever trust him to tell you the truth after that?
Therapy, then decide.
He lied to you, and you need time to figure out what you really want.
Sometimes therapy is a way to move forward, or to end it.
The reusing the ring is pretty messed up. He should know better.
In regards to the ring, I think he could have easily sold it at any point. Then when he was ready to propose to you, he could have gotten you what you wanted. Choosing to reuse it in an effort to “save money” seems lazy and thoughtess.
Even more concerning is the fact that he has literally lied to your face multiple times throughout your entire relationship. He could have simply admitted that he had been engaged and it ended.
I’m also curious about the pictures. If he was so worried about you seeing them, why didn’t he delete them? Why is he recreating pictures of vacations? Does he still have feelings for his ex?
If you think the relationship can be saved, marriage and individual counseling may help. However, I feel like once the trust is lost, it’s nearly impossible to regain it.
Hmmm I think there are definitely some buried red flags here. The most obvious thing is that he should have sold it a bought you a new one. Common sense. Don’t know how he went through with it. And honestly, when he sees that ring he probably thinks of his ex-fiancé even for just a second. Smh
Have him go stay with his mother (she’s okay with him been deceitful) whilst you get your head together
It’s not just a ring it’s the intention behind the ring
Get a therapist, even if just for you
I actually think your husband is creepy. I’m all about ‘saving money.’ I’d also rather have a simple ring, that is more affordable (heck, my wedding ring is under $20). But nooo, he wanted to pretend that he’s being this generous-kind-romantic partner who wanted only the best for you so you’re getting this pricey ring, or whatnot. What a pretentious tit he is, eh?
And all he wanted to do was cheapen things for him and make a fool out of you. I bet he thought gleefully on how he managed to avoid you finding out the truth about his crap.
He is basically a very convincing liar. I’m getting the ‘ick’ on your behalf, OP. I won’t even believe that he’s truly sorry. If I were you, I’d be considering 100% of divorcing him. The issue is not the ring, it’s the whole lie, the pretending, and he made you a fool.
You need time alone, so you’re not going to be fooled again into staying with this liar. I’d suggest either you or this liar leave the house for awhile. Since he’s the liar, he should probably stay at his mommy for awhile while you sort out your feeling.
You are not stupid to give him another chance AT ALL. I am the the first to hop on the divorce train for cheaters/abusers etc but this guy is not that. He sounds like a decent man who hid his shame in very stupid lie and then doubled down on it.
To you its “hiding another love ” to him its hiding his DEEP HUMILIATION.
But overall it wasn’t a lie to cover for anything bad just his regret/humiliation over the past.
Its the kind of lie like being a pole dancer in college. Yes you should be upfront but you also get why someone might be tempted to hide it.
He was clearly too lazy/cheap to get a new ring which sucks. I mean this kindly but I think your husband adores & respects you but ismaybe a little bit STUPID or lacking in emotional intelligence. Not a crime but not divorce worthy either.
Get a new ring and a new honeymoon and everytime he complains for the rest of his life ask “if he doesn’t have another wife tucked away somewhere too”
I hope in time you will it will become a joke & you celebrate many happy years together.