Really could use some insights rn….. My bf (37M) and I (30F) plan to have a long future together we’ve known each other for 11yrs and are finally actually together. I was with someone else for the majority of the time we’ve known each other and we have been friends. However, he still blames me for breaking his heart because I wanted to focus on me for a little bit (he can be controlling sometimes and I just wanted some space to figure out stuff on my own after leaving my ex-husband for him because I realized there was no fighting our feelings for each other) sooo because of that he has his guard WAY up. Anyway, any time we talk about the future he says I’m just gonna leave him alone again and that’s why he wants to buy 2 separate houses, one for me and one for him, and he says I should be grateful that he would be buying a home for me. He says that he needs his space and that when things go wrong that he’ll just give me the house and go to his own (he’s completely set in the mindset that I’m gonna leave him at some point and I don’t know how to convince him otherwise).
Thing is for me I wouldn’t even want to live in a home that I’m just gonna feel alone in and IF we ever did break up (which wouldn’t happen from me because I’m literally his ride or die for life even if he can’t see it) I sure as hell wouldn’t want to stay in nor keep said house.
I know this is all hypothetical future talk and we don’t currently live together but its driving me crazy cause I just can’t live like that forever but if its the only way to be with him then I’ll have to. Plus he’s already looking at buying a house so it may be reality sooner rather than later.
Just looking for some insight on the whole situation. I don’t know how to convince him that I won’t leave him and I don’t know how to talk to him about this because he is so stuck in his mindset and won’t budge on it. Do you agree with it? or if you have any input, it would be appreciated.
13 comments
“He says I should be grateful that he would be buying a home for me.”
NOPE. You already said he’s controlling.
I’m sorry but you really need to not be his “ride or die”. You need to ride off into the sunset far away from him.
This relationship can only end very badly, and likely with a healthy amount of trauma for you.
He says doesn’t believe you when you say you want to be with him forever; he thinks you will eventually leave him.
Perhaps it’s easier for him to put this on you, rather than bluntly tell you what seems obvious:
**He does not want to live with you. He does not see you as a long-term, lifetime partner.**
It sounds like you are only recently divorced and available. Perhaps you should just date and give each other time to consider the future.
Nope, this is really fucking weird.
I’m a little confused. Did you leave him for your ex husband or you realized you had feelings for home when you were with your ex and he’s mad because you didn’t want to get together right after you got divorced?
Neither would make sense for him to be this angry regardless of whether or not he plans on buying you a house. He sounds extremely reactive and this seems kind of like a terrible foundation for a new relationship. If he doesn’t trust you then he shouldn’t be with you. Choosing to be with you and hold the past over your head doesn’t make sense.
while apartnering (where committed partners purposely keep separate independent homes) is a valid and increasingly popular choice, the way he’s going about this is not okay. he’s being manipulative and guilt tripping you. he needs some individual therapy to address his insecurity. if he’s not open to trying to change this mindset, i don’t see how this will work in the long run.
Sorry I stopped reading at “he can be controlling.” Why do you want to be with this person?
He’s punishing you for taking some time for yourself after your divorce, even though you had feelings for him. There was nothing wrong with this; taking time for yourself after a breakup is the smart thing to do, even if you have someone waiting.
He’s being manipulative and he’s wrong.
Unless you convince him to go to therapy and he puts in the work, I don’t think you’re going to be able to “prove” to him that you’re his ride or die and will never leave him. And if you do decide to break up with him over this or anything else, he’s got his self-fulfilling prophecy right there and ammunition to use against you – don’t fall for it.
Tell him his solution isn’t going to work for you and if he buys a second property, he may as well rent it out because you won’t be living there. He cannot force you to move in.
Why not just get 1 large home so you both can be in separate areas?
This is a very atypical situation and your BF is, at a minimum, very strange.
You seem to want to argue with other commenters so I don’t know what you really want out of this post.
You already have one failed marriage, and are attempting to forge a relationship with someone who doesn’t sounds the most emotionally stable.
Take that as you will and go forth.
You likely wont find your answers amongst a bunch of strangers. But for advice…..here you go…..You need to leave them both and start over fresh. That said, if you elect to do this you need to know something about men. Bouncing back and forth between two men like this while you figure out your feelings will ALWAYS lead to disaster. Leaving one for the other, then having an argument and ghosting the Boyfriend only to get back with the husband….then switching again? It damages trust for all parties involved. Maybe it shouldn’t, but it does. ANY person should have their own head right before engaging in a relationship with another, man or woman. That’s not done in 2 months……ever. Take some time to figure out what you want in life, then work to make it happen……including any relationships you may entertain. Games like this (it seems game-ish) wont get you, or them, what you want. Men are not like women. We know your not our property. But it still feels like betrayal. Those feelings don’t go away just because you were right in what you do by any technicality……~~.and claiming so doesn’t make the feelings go away~~. Choose a good man, and stay with him, or not……but get you right first and stop spreading the trauma.
Nope, just end it and move on!
You had an affair with your bf, then called it quits, then went back to your ex husband, called that quits, then got back together with your now bf….? Don’t go for either of them. That’s a lot of damage to try to fix in a short time and nothing’s going to get fixed until you figure yourself out without either of these men involved.
Sometimes we love that which kills us slowly OP sort of like a delicious poison we drink little by little sipping the sweet taste of our own demise.
Hidden behind a disguise the reality that this is not meant to be or happy ever after.
However, if you two (both equally) love each other then there is a chance of happiness and an opportunity to build trust. He has to be willing to take a chance though…
Do not beg but tell him and ask nicely to give you guys a chance (a real one not this compromise).
Explain how you feel but don’t give up too much power dynamic otherwise you will lose it forever and he will walk over you little doormat like you are a red carpet.
I wish you all the best, good luck & may your story end in happiness not tragedy.