My husband can’t make a decision on ANYTHING.

27 comments

1. I understand your stress. But why not just make burgers for dinner and not ask him. Just get in the van, and have everyone load up. I’m sure he makes a lot of decisions at work too. And he definitely needs to have sit down conversations with you when it’s time to make a joint decision on the kids health.. but for the small daily things just start making the dinner without his input. Make what you like!

2. Does your husband suffer from anxiety? Usually people who have difficulty making the easiest of decisions have anxiety. Maybe a small dose of a medication may help. Or does it have to do with how he was raised? Maybe his family didn’t allow for him to make decisions on his own? Or maybe if he chose wrong as a child he was punished (in some way shape or form) by his family? So now he avoids making decisions.

3. People sometimes think they’re being generous by being flexible; in reality, they don’t see how the indecisiveness is the opposite. Some people just need to be told that. Either just make the decision if you also don’t care which, and if he complains then that’s on him, or tell him you need him to take the lead more. Maybe you need a list of exact things for him to take the lead on. Yes, that’s another task for you, but hopefully it would result in him taking on a few. If not, maybe it’s a lack of intimacy thing.

4. Hopefully he isn’t adding to your stress by disagreeing with whatever decision you make. I learned real fast to not do that with my wife.

   To take the load off yourself, stop asking him either or. I’m taking the truck. We are having hamburgers. I’m washing your white work shirts with the kids red clothes.

   If you are tired of making decision, use a coin toss or dice roll to decide. Or a trick that I do, when I look at the clock, if the last digit is even then we eat rice and beans, if it’s odd then it’s mac and cheese.

5. I honestly almost divorced my husband and this was a big reason why…I carried all of the mental load for our large family, for over a decade and it had gotten to be exhausting and very frustrating. It turns out, he was very enmeshed to his mom/family of origin and was so used to going along with whatever they wanted to do/having no boundaries that he literally didn’t have the ability (or desire) to make decisions. He’s in therapy and has made a lot of good progress. He now says no to things that he doesn’t want to do, and we just went on a vacation that was planned almost all by him!

6. Maybe it’s not that he can’t but maybe in the past when he did make a decision it was questioned or wasn’t welcomed. Then he realized it was better for you to make all the decisions.

7. Sounds like anxiety, my husband has the same issue. He has the worst decision paralysis. I can ask him if he wants chicken or steak for dinner and he’ll say “whatever you want” to get out of having to make the decision but if I press on and force him to pick it almost cripples him. It’s honestly kinda sad, I feel really bad for him. At the same time, it’s still very frustrating because it places most of the mental load on me. He’s been warming up to the idea of medication, he has it and I think he’s been trying it out but I don’t think it’s my place to pry on that. I’ve noticed some improvements lately, though!

8. I agree with the other commenter that as long as isn’t complaining when you do decide, I’d not be too concerned about the dinner and truck.

   As far as caring for your son, I’d make a list of the meds and times, hand it over to him, and let him handle it.

   I admit that I am indecisive about small things like him. My SO is controlling, so he doesn’t mind lol. I’ll often say “I don’t care which one,” and he’s like “okay this one.” I’m happy and he’s happy.

   So maybe it’s a matter of deciding which of these is a battle to fight and which are not?

9. When we had our son I struggled with the mental load. My husband did SO SO much and anything I asked but it was the asking that got to me. We solved it by dividing entire sections of tasks.

   So my husband now had the entirety of taking care of the dogs. I would no longer remind him they were due for an appointment or that they needed food.

   He was solely responsible for our son’s dinner, while I had breakfast and lunch.

   We trade off weeks on deciding dinner. He has an entire week from deciding to shopping. Then i have an entire week. We’re more flexible on who actually cooks it each day depending on who has more time/who is playing with the toddler when it’s time to make dinner. But since the planning and shopping are done that’s not a big deal.

   Once your mental load is more evenly distributed the little decisions won’t bother you as much. But still worth talking about if they bother you.

10. I made a comment regarding this exact topic yesterday, though from the other side. It’s possible he thinks he’s making you happy by doing what you want. I’m not sure what advice to give *you* but if he’ll read this [https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/14nmk5o/would_you_date_a_attractive_masculine_women/jq9aus5/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/14nmk5o/would_you_date_a_attractive_masculine_women/jq9aus5/?context=3)

    Hope that helps.

11. My H is the same way.. I think and make decisions every day all day at work. I’ll tell my H in advance what’s the weekly menu for dinner. I make vacation decisions, food, gifts, spending all decisions in the house it’s exhausting. My H just is laid back and goes with the flow.

12. Perhaps telling him exactly what you want him to do will help. On Tuesdays I’d like you to make tacos for dinner and complete two loads of laundry during the week, etc.

13. Has he given up on making decisions because of the responses he was getting in the past?

14. How do you react to his decisions?
    How many times has he chosen and received an eyerolled “Fine”
    Has he just said whatever to keep the peace?

15. ADHD, anxiety. Both make it extremely difficult to make simple decisions.

16. I know someone who grew up in a sheltered home, where their parents never really asked for their input on anything, even things that was concerning them. They were told what to do and how to do it. As an adult they’re really indecisive and have a hard time making decisions on their own or for themselves. Their spouse tends to make majority of the decisions in the relationship. Recently they’ve gotten a little bit better, but it’s a work in progress.

17. Make him a list of what you’d like him to do. Don’t ask about dinner, just prep it, have him do the dishes or help cook.

    I like lists.

18. Just make the decision and be glad he doesn’t bitch. My guy needs to make every decision, we end up arguing about literally everything. I wish he would just say ‘whatever you want’. Count your blessings.

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20. I will ask you to examine what happens after you ask. Please do a quick examination of what happens. Do you say: Do you want X or y? And after some cajoling he goes – you know what – I want Z. And you say no?
    This is how you stop making decisions at all if it is always met with resistance and you’re flexible but always going to get what you’re okay with and not what you want.

21. I suggest you breathe heavily, calm yourself down, plan a talk with him, and express this to him in the most detailed, calm, less condescending, and actionable way possible.

    Then at the end of the talk, DECIDE on what part of the decision making he MUST handle.

    The subtle thing is, when he decides, and the decision is not what you thought was best, do not shame, blame or reprimand him for that in front of the kids or anyone else. Express your disagreement in private. In public, support his decision always.

    I’m a male myself, and to me, this is not natural male behavior. I would only act like this if my wife always wanted to lead, and undermined my authority, I’ll just let herself get worked up until she realizes she needs a partner.

    Give him space to decide more. Not saying you don’t give him space, but give him more space.

22. Eve Rodsky has a great book called “Fair Play” about the mental load in marriages and how to more fairly distribute the mental load between partners. She breaks down that if someone is in charge of a task such as making supper, there’s the planning of the meal and getting of the groceries as well as the execution of actually cooking. You can also buy these playing cards that breakdown many of the possible tasks on running a home. She suggests sitting down at a neutral time to go through them and decide who does what. It can be very eye opening for both partners in a relationship to see the cards distributed based on who handles what presently and helps partners see what they can take off the other’s plate when it is incredibly unequal.

23. A lot of times men are this way because of the dynamic that you helped create. You mention that you make all decisions and manage everything. This didn’t happen on accident or overnight. Husbands become passive when wives are overbearing and judgmental. Husbands are more sensitive to criticism and disapproval than women realize or can even relate to. You’ve created a dynamic in which it’s easiest for him to just get out of your way. The best way to approach the conversation is to take ownership of your part in it and let him know you would like to change this dynamic by making room for him to have opinions and make choices without risking any disapproval.

24. I feel this 10x over. My husband is the EXACT same way 🤦🏻‍♀️

25. So for a different perspective some people really just don’t care.

    Like when my wife wants to go out to eat I literally don’t care where we go. I will just get a hamburger from whatever she picks. Could be Burger King or Hardees it doesn’t matter.

    If she insists I pick I pick though.

    The things you are asking are trivial anyway and don’t really need to be any sort of discussion. I mean just make hot dogs or hamburgers or just take the van. Neither of those really need to be discussed.

26. Garbage decision making husband here. I try and offer decisions as much as I can but I prefer my wife choose the simple things when she has the capacity. Like you she’s got a lot of her mental plate most days and like you she would like me to make more basic decision so I will sometimes.

    The truth behind my desire to not make a decision is that my favourite ____ is the one no one wants. I feel most comfortable when everyone else involved is closest to their preference. I experience a lot of internal anxiety and having others less stressed makes me less stressed. So when my wife (or friends or anyone) ask where we should eat the truth is the thing I want to eat is whatever makes them happiest so I’d prefer they pick. I have no genuine preference in that circumstance. Same goes with which movie my wife and I should watch, what flavour milkshake to split, game to play etc. if I have a preference I state it but so few tiny things in life honestly matter to me at all lol. If my macros are good IDGAF what I eat ever. When I do make small decisions for my marriage I just pick arbitrarily or based on meaningless criteria so she can be happy with her decision to not decide. Which restaurant tonight? The one with the most vowels in the name. The one founded most recently. Anything south facing. Etc. Any chance your husbands desire to not decide is based on anxiety or something going on internally?

27. I suffer from making the exact opposite decision my wife wanted me to make, but only speaks up after I made.said decision, thereby making the whole thing pointless.