I (28F) am supposed to move in with my boyfriend (30M) this week

I am supposed to move in with my boyfriend this weekend and now I’m having second thoughts. I don’t have anyone else to talk to an I’m feeling very overwhelmed and depressed. I love him and I want to move in with him, but there are some things that have happened that are making me hesitant.

Here’s the backstory. My boyfriend has an identical twin (M). They had the very close relationship you hear that most twins have. They moved in with each other after college years ago and did everything together. They bought a house together a couple of months after my boyfriend and I started dating. They spent all of their time together. Seeing family- together. Hanging out with their only friend group- together. It was really an adjustment for all of us when my boyfriend and I started dating. Well, unbeknownst to me at the beginning of our relationship, my boyfriend had planned on just adding me to his relationship with his twin to essentially make us “the three musketeers”. He thought that we’d all get along together. His relationship with me was the first serious one he’s ever had and is more the logical type.

Fast forward to the year mark and we started talking about moving in together. He proposed me moving in with him and his brother. I was somewhat okay with this at the time. At this point in our relationship, I had started getting annoyed with his brother because it seemed like my boyfriend was always being the more adult of the two and nagging him to complete his chores, cleaning up after himself, or initiate house renovations for the fixer upper that they bought. To me it felt like his twin was taking advantage of my boyfriend. The day after my boyfriend had asked me to move in, I found out that his twin requested that I needed to sign a lease in order to move in. The twins didn’t need a lease, but I did. A loving, well trusted partner of my boyfriend with no intention of ruining the property. I was always doing chores at the house to help my boyfriend out with the work. He had also offered to pay my portion of the rent as I was working part time (currently in nursing school). Regardless of the intention of his twin, I perceived this as very rude and hurt that I couldn’t be trusted in the same regard. My boyfriend was against this lease agreement for the first couple of days, but then talked to his brother and was persuaded that a lease needed to be signed to protect everyone (I do see why this could be needed, I just didn’t agree with it at the time and I envisioned us all more like family). So then begins off and on fighting between my boyfriend and I for months before my boyfriend could understand why I was so hurt by this situation. He told me a few months ago that he didn’t care about my thoughts as much then because his brother was a more prominent figure in his life. He has since changed course and realized how wrong it was for him to try to force me into a lease in order to live with him. I am still hurt by the fact that he didn’t care enough to fight for me and my feelings during this time. Some more things happened in the meantime and his twin and I are not on speaking terms anymore.

Then began the issue regarding his relationship with his twin. They were completely codependent in an unhealthy way and it took forever for me to get him to understand how bad it really was. His twin is so dependent on him and relies on my boyfriend to play many roles for him. I constantly felt like I was the third wheel on their relationship since they did everything together. Every second they had free time, they spent it together out of convenience and the fact that they were best friends. I feel like this is something that I can’t compete with and it feels like I never have all of my boyfriend’s attention. We worked out a schedule where we saw each other every weekend (30+ min commute). Started couples therapy and began working our issues out. The twins have since started to live more independently of each other and my boyfriend agreed that their codependency was not healthy. We have them all worked out except the problem with his twin.

I feel as if he can’t have a strong bond with both myself and his twin at the same time. His twin is very sad that they are separating for the first time in their lives and my boyfriend needs to be the one to help him through it. His parents bring up how sad his brother is all the time and I think it makes him feel guilty that he is causing his brother to hurt. So this week has turned into helping his brother get through the move instead of us being able to be happy about moving in together and celebrating all the hardships that we have overcome together. He is my soulmate and neither of us can even stomach breaking up. I feel so hurt that he keeps choosing his twin over us and I don’t know if I can handle his twin be so involved in our lives- especially during the big moments like these. I am really insecure with the fact that my boyfriend needs to have such a strong bond with his twin when his twin has hurt me (and our relationship) in the past. It feels like his bond with his twin is stronger and I feel like an ass for not being able to handle their relationship. But his twin is tearing us apart.

My boyfriend and I had a big fight last night about how he needs his twin to be constantly involved in his life. I, on the other hand, don’t want this because it feels like his twin is constantly being brought into our relationship. This fight is giving me second thoughts about moving in. I am in my last stretch of nursing school (graduate in December) and therefore I do not have a job at the moment. My boyfriend has been amazingly supportive of me in all of the ways- emotionally and financially. If we move in now while this is unsolved, I would be stuck as I don’t have the means to support myself fully (recently moved back in with my parents bc of school) and I’m not sure if my parents would take me back in. They don’t believe in the whole living together before marriage.

Should we move in? Is there a way to reconcile this situation? Or should we consider breaking up?

So sorry for the long rambley post, my thoughts are all over the place and I’m not sure if I covered everything well enough.

Edit: we have been in couples therapy for a while. This house that we are renting is not the same one my boyfriend bought with his twin (not the house with the lease issue).