I am 36 female and my husband 42 male. We are married for 7 years. We dated in distance for a year and only had sex 5 times in first year when we dated. After marriage, we had sex life 1-2 a month, sometimes 1 every 2-3 months, most of them was initiated by my husband. He was my first and I didn’t pay much attention on the sex quality or quantity at all, I didn’t have any experience or expectation. Then the sex stopped as soon as I got pregnant with our child, he is 4 years old now and my husband hasn’t touched me for over 4 years. I asked him, he blamed it on stress at work, tired with kid. I suspect he could be gay in the closet because he hasn’t showed any interests in his wife or any girl anymore. I threatened to divorce him if he doesn’t go see the doctor, the tests came back that his testosterone level is 500, he has ED and high blood pressure, his doctor gave him medication for all of these issues. But I think 500 is a good number for 42 y male and he shouldn’t lose all of the sex interests due to it, I think 500 is in normal range, however his doctor gave him medication for low Testosterone. He has a male friend that often calls each other at least twice a month, the friend is in different state so they don’t get to meet each other at all, over the last 7 years we married, they might see each other less than 10 times if I have to guess but the phone communication is frequent at least twice a month. I confronted him if he was gay and if that friend is his lover, he said I insulted him and that he loves me and only interested in women, not men. I checked his phone but I don’t see anything suspicious, but I noticed that he sometimes deleted his browsing history on the phone. I can’t find out what he is searching on his phone. I wish I could find any proof that he is gay or anything to confirm my suspicion, but I couldn’t. Beside sex, everything else was good, he helps with kid, financial and house work, I can’t complain anything else about him beside sex. I feel like we are more of room mates than a couple because his lack of sexual interest. Since he starts his medication (6 months ago), we have had sex like once a month and mostly initiated by me and the sex is kinda mechanical, doesn’t have much passion. Our sex has never had foreplay even I asked him to, sex started with him kissing on my lip and then he just put that in me which usually hurts because I am usually not ready yet. I love him but I suspect that he could be gay, that the testosterone might not be the reason that he loses that much interests in sex. I feel bad for our kid when I have to divorce (he’s only 4 years old and he’s so attached to his dad).
One time I did give him oral, but no matter how much I tried, it was still soft, I turned porn on my phone to watch with him together but it didn’t help, then he went into the bathroom, closed the door and watch something on his phone to help with his erection (this makes me think he might watch gay porn? Because why in the hell it didn’t help him when I turned on man-woman porn on my phone and he had to go to the bathroom to watch it by himself?). After he watched something on his phone in the bathroom, he tried to have sex with me again, but as soon as he put it in, it’s soft, we couldn’t have sex at all :(. With that, I highly suspect he would be gay in the closet, I couldn’t find out what did he watch in his phone at all because he deleted the browsing history. We both work and make the same amount, am very fit and to most people attractive, this affects me a lot because I feel like I don’t understand my man anymore and I don’t feel like I am being loved. I expressed all my feelings to him but he blames it on stress and low T.
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Based on the information I provided, could he be gay or just low sex interest because of his medical issue? Could he also be gay and with these medical issues and is there any suggestions to find out if he is gay? He mostly stays at home every day, he doesn’t go out much, except that suspicious male friend call (I ear dropped one of their calls and didn’t hear anything strange)
Thanks so much for your time and help!
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6 comments
possibly gay, even if not, likely asexual. that’s a thing too. would an open relationship or polyamory work for you? maybe he’s bi and poly could be fully intertwined. bonus as you’d likely confirm if he’s sexual, bi or gay.
Just to check – have you asked if he actually wants to have sex?
He just sounds like he’s not into sex. Whether it’s just you or with anyone – hard to say, and I don’t know if it matters. It doesn’t particularly sound like he’s gay, but it does sound like you’re unhappy and distrusting. I don’t think this is a relationship that should or will last.
It’s not his testosterone. Could be stress , anxiety, depression. Could be side effect of blood pressure medication. Has he tried a viagra type drug? I have no input on his sexual orientation, that seems like conjecture at this time but possible I guess.
I’m not a doctor-but I am the wife of a man who had low T and sex EVAPORATED! His PCP said he was on the low end of normal and did nothing. He went to my HRT clinic, got pellets and is back to rocking my world!! 500 would be way too low for my husband-he is closer to 2,000 on treatment and at 1600 hundred can feel the drop and gets a boost. Look for a low T center that does pellets and see what they say
Sounds exactly like me. Definitely low testosterone at 500 if he’s 42. Normal range is very subjective when it comes to testosterone. This is normal range for the population but is likely low for him. Blood pressure medicine kills sex drive for sure as well. You probably consult a therapist and discuss your situation.
Why is no one talking about the severe privacy breach here? It really sounds like sex and libido are just two of many issues here. Loss of libido has many faces, it could be genetic, it could be a nutritional thing, or even a mental health issue. Just assuming your partner being gay because he has a good friend he is talking to and the porn thing is unfair. If he says he is straight, why not trust him?
To give my two cents to the video thing: maybe he has a secret fetisch/kink? Have you two ever tried to spice things up a little? There are many ways to reignite your desire, bondage for example, or new lingerie. Talking is key.
The issue with male libido is its uncertainty. I’m currently in a relationship of nearly 4 years, sex had been great in the beginning, we behaved like rabbits. But for some reason my libido went down drastically, to a point of being near to a dead bedroom. I’m in therapy now to sort things and to save the relationship with the love of my life, but it took nearly a year to make the first step. Hormones were normal, so it has to be mental. Again, talking is key. Maybe he is fighting his own demons at the moment, and maybe he needs help coming back to his feet. Men are human too.