My husband 45m and I 37f have been together for roughly 18 years. We’ve been married for 13 years, a year after our first daughter was born. Him and his buddy have been friends for 25 years and attended the same college. We recently hosted a party and after his buddy had a couple of drinks he blurts out “hey remember that time I got arrested for being desperate enough to drug that girl’s drinks so I could fuck her?” My husband laughed uncomfortablebly while I just stood there shocked and asked him wtf is he talking about? He said that he got arrested for drugging a 15 year old who has snuck off to one of their college parties and “she got what she deserved because little girls shouldn’t sneak out and party with the big boys”. Obviously I stopped the party and kicked him out. My husband said I’m overreacting and being a “drama queen ” and his buddy is a changed man who made a silly mistake like all 21 year olds do. I told him that attempted rape isn’t a silly mistake and that if he wants to defend his buddy he can follow him right out the door. We have a 14 year old daughter and he knowingly allows a predator to be around her. I know that a person did it once they’ll do it again. It’s only a matter of time. Now my husband’s parents are blaming me for trying to ruin our marriage over something that his friend did while my big sister wants me to end the marriage. I don’t know what to do?
Edit: My husband has been at the same party and knew about all of this the entire time, which is why it makes it so much worse because he knew what his buddy did and stood by him and has allowed him to be around our daughter and even wanted him to be her godfather. (I was insistent on my brother being her godfather).
38 comments
It sounds like you know exactly what you need to do. Husband either gets his shit together or can pick his predator friend. Your comment about having a 14 year old, while your husband is simultaneously minimizing what his friend did, made me feel sick.
I would be more worried about your husbands reaction to it and that he’s trying to make you out to being in the wrong and downplaying it so yeah listen to your sister.
Also if this asshole has changed then why make a joke about it?? He would be deeply ashamed if had changed and he also defended it saying she deserved it. He hasn’t changed.
Your husband’s friend outed himself as someone who drugged a teenage girl so that he could rape her. He’s also showing his colours now given that he blurted it out as a conversation topic at a party in a manner that sounds like he was proud of it.
You’re not overreacting and your husband trying to say that this is a “silly mistake” all 21 year olds make is incredibly disturbing. Defending a known sexual predator isn’t a good look and I would be incredibly concerned about that.
I, personally, would be very blunt with his parents regarding what’s happening in your marriage if they try to accuse you of anything. A simple statement such as: “Your son let someone who was arrested for drugging and attempting to rape a teenager around our daughter.”
I’m so sorry you’re even in this situation, it’s harrowing. If anything, I would give it an hour and show your husband this post.
This would be the hill my marriage would die on, I think.
Edit: Reading this post this morning, I also really worry that your husband may have been actively involved in things like this. This teenager didn’t just appear at their college party, she was clearly groomed into going and it sounds like she went alone.
It sounds like they all knew why she was there, then to have the drugs ready with the intent to do this to her? Otherwise, would they not have called medics once she began behaving like she had been drugged? That’s a lot of premeditation and, if this is being excused as dumb things teenagers do…that really doesn’t sit well with me.
The fact that he is so willing to defend him is concerning. Very concerning.
Yes, people do make mistakes when they’re younger, however; I’ve never drugged or attempted to rape someone. That’s not a heehee silly mistake. That’s literally a criminal.
That’s not a common mistake all 21 year olds make, that’s straight up statutory
Ugh the fact that your daughter is the age of this girl he tried to assault is so chilling.
This is exactly what we mean when we say “all men”. Your husband might not be a rapist, but he supports people who try to do it and defends them for it. HE is the guy who helps awful men get away with it
1) The friend is, at the absolute least, an attempted rapist.
2) Your husband is a rape apologist.
3) The friend has not changed. He wouldn’t joke about it if he had.
Divorce is obviously a huge step, but this is a fucking gargantuan revelation. Divorce is not unreasonable under these circumstances.
You had an absolutely valid response. I understand it can be hard to cut someone off after 25 years of friendship, but I would feel extremely uncomfortable and unsafe around him—let alone have my 14y/o daughter around him.
I recently cut off a close friend after I found out he SA’d a girl who was drugged up on anesthesia. It’s difficult, but its also important to keep yourself/ your family surrounded by good people.
Why he thought that was a “funny story” to bring up all these years later, kind of screams red flag. The fact your husband said “just a mistake” makes me think he thinks that’s normal – and maybe engaged in the same stuff. He should have cut that friend all the way back when it happened.
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Hold your ground
This idiot shows no remorse and your husband makes excuses for him
I am so glad your daughter has a mother like you!!! Her father is obviously okay with rapists 🤢
You better talk to your daughter about how dangerous this man is
Your husband ruined his own marriage with his actions. You didn’t ruin anything. Tell that to his parents and ask them if they want their granddaughter around someone who drugged a girl to rape her.
That’s gross that he would defend someone who roofied someone.
His friend wasn’t remorseful at all so tell me how he has changed for the better? I would put an ultimatum down for your husband: you or his friend.
Your husband is friends with a child rapist and is defending him. That would be a deal breaker for me.
[Male peer support may be one of the most potent predictors of perpetration of sexual aggression.](https://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.1005.8397&rep=rep1&type=pdf), meaning your husband knowingly being friends with a dude who attempted rape is also at high risk of being a rapist.
[Sex offenders tend to start young](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3139770/pdf/nihms-300025.pdf).
Your sister has the right idea.
Your parents need more data. WTF.
I was about as big a partier as one could be for my teens and early 20s. Never once has it ever crossed my mind hey… i should go find some rufies so i can plan to possibly rape a girl i wanna fuck.
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The thing thats being understand isnt just that its rape. its that its not just a cloud of judgement when drunk. you have to go buy these drugs with the intent of using them to rape. its a planned out thing.
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Yeah I wouldnt allow him anywhere near my home. I would question him also for wanting to be friends with someone who not only is a rapist, but defends the actions.
You were 19 when your then 27 year old husband started the relationship; he probably would have been willing to do the same thing his friend did to you. The fact that he’s even entertaining the guy in his life just confirms they’re birds of a feather
Yeah honestly I don’t think I could look at my husband the same if he were friends with an attempted rapist. How do you have a daughter and not be horrified? Tell your family the truth, that he’s friends with a man who drugged and attempted to rape a minor and LET HIM AROUND YOUR DAUGHTER. Sorry that is just outrageous. I’d be seeing red. Your husband has failed to keep predators away from your daughter. He thinks he got away with it once, who’s to say he wouldn’t try it again? Or hasn’t already? How is your husband still friends with him after that? Really makes his moral character questionable.
Let me tell you something, there’s no way your husband hasn’t done the same thing to someone before, and there’s no way that was the only time his buddy did it.
I’m willing to bet he confessed because he was thinking about it and the fact that he was in a party at your house where your 14 yo daughter lives is super concerning.
Women keep saying that men need to keep each other accountable for this kind of stuff and I promise you we do. The only men who wouldn’t are the ones that engage in the same behavior. I don’t have any friends that are rapists, if I find out one of them did something like this I am 100% sure that me and the others in our circle would ostracize them, because it did happen once.
There’s very little that I can think that would make maintaining a friendship with this guy, reasonable from your husband’s standpoint. You need to sit him down and talk about this situation and decide what you want to do.
Even if this was just something that happened in the past, it would be bad enough. But it didn’t stop there, because the situation you’re describing happened at your house, recently. This guy JUST said “she got what she deserved”. Your husband JUST defended him. Don’t let them tell you its all in the past.
Since your husband knew all about his friend’s actions, he’s — at the very least — an accessory to them.
Unless your husband steps up and cuts this friend out of his life and offers you and your daughter a sincere apology, your sister is right.
All 21yr olds do not attempt to drug and rape people. Your husband is willing to protect a rapist. It is that simple.
I’m not much for throwing away a marriage on a general basis unless cheating or physical abuse is involved…..but as a father of 3 daughters, I can’t tell you how much of an ick I had reading your post. Friend needs to be out of his life. he actually should have, at the first time he knew about it.
I would back whatever decision you make short of letting that pos back in your house or life.
All 21 year old guys make that mistake? Does that mean he did?
The other comments say everything I would have said already. But I have to add… the way his friend described it sounds like your husband was there when it happened. This wasn’t a story your husband heard after the fact. This was something he witnessed in real time. I’d bet he knew about the plan to rape the girl before it happened, and he let it play out instead of stopping it. Your husband laughed uncomfortably because he didn’t want you to know about it, not because the story made him uncomfortable.
Wasn’t his first time drugging someone, you can bet on that. How many times did your husband stand by (or participate) while his buddy drugged and raped someone?
Oh, God! You are absolutely right.
For one thing, that’s not a “youthful mistake” – spiking someone’s drink involves planning to do it & acquiring the drugs, deciding to do it, selecting a victim, waiting for an opportunity to do it, doing it, then sticking close to your prey while you wait for the drug to take effect and getting your prey isolated enough to commit the rape itself…..each step involves a willful choice.
That he brought it up and thought it was just a funny frat boy story tells us that he is not even slightly remorseful…and that’s before we get to the vile remark about the adolescent victim having “deserved” what he did. He hasn’t changed a bit.
Your husband’s attitude, then and now, is shocking. Remaining friendly with a rapist is saying “I see no problem with what you did”…awful when they were in college and now that he’s the father of a girl only a little younger than his buddy’s victim, I am horrified that he doesn’t understand your reaction.
I would never be able to look at him the same.
(I am also giving your husband some side-eye for pursuing a relationship with a 19 year old when he was 27.)
A changed man doesnt brag about it
I mean… what’s the statute of limitations on that sort of thing again? Can the police still get involved?
You’re 100% right about everything. Your husband and his parents can’t be trusted anymore.
“ like all 21 year olds do”
Did you ask your husband if he drugged and raped someone while he was 21?
Did you ask him what he would do if you found out your 14-year-old daughter has been drugged by 20 year old ?
Based on how he responds to these questions, hopefully angrily, then you would look right at him and say, and that’s why I don’t want him around.
Men don’t care about these things in the same way that women do because they don’t have to live with the constant fear of being preyed upon.
Oh man divorce would be scary too because what if once they separate, the father has his friend over at his new place where the mother won’t be. In her house she has some control over the situation, but at the dad’s house who knows what will be allowed.
So…a guy who was 27 dating an 18 year old has a best friend who roofied someone. Color me shocked.
His buddy didn’t learn SHIT from that experience
1) He brought the subject up – at a party – like it was a fucking joke. *Hey guys, remember the time I took that guy’s golf cart for a joy ride in college?* THIS AIN’T THAT
2) And when he did bring it up, he made ugly and misogynistic comments about teenage girls
3) Even fucking worse: your husband’s reaction, despite the fact that he’s the father of a 14-year-old girl now. Ewwwwwww, how fucking slimy and gross on his part. Your daughter is only ONE YEAR OLDER than the girl his friend *drugged*
Your husband’s support of his creepy best friend tells you all you need to know about him
And calling YOU a drama queen over your reaction??? Save it, scumbag
I was roofied once at a bar and ended up crashing into a bridge embankment. My SUV was destroyed. I am lucky to be alive
Your husband can *fuck the fuck off* (along with his dickhead pal AND your shitty in-laws)
Oh my gosh, this is at rhe very least shocking on multiple aspects.
1. That the family friend you’ve had for years revealed this and thinks its funny.
2. That your spouse supports him.
3. That your parents think its not a big deal.
And probably most important
4. That this man has had access to your child.
That’s a lot. OP, you’re under reacting. Time to put your emotions and others opinions to the side and focus on the facts and only the facts. You know roofiing someone is very intentional; you know the way he talked about the literal child means you have to at the very least ban your child from being around this person; you know your spouse is very wrong to pass this off as a “college mistake”. This is all a premeditated choice.
Your options now are to sweep it under the rug, or go all in and put your foot down about this friend not being around your family. I wouldn’t focus the other family members and focus on why your spouse thinks its okay that his friend did that to a child. At the end of the day if you can reason out that it was justified in any way, you have your answer. At the same time, if you arrive to a different conclusion, you need to set firm boundaries and stick to them. If your husband doesn’t respect those boudnaries, then you know you have to be the one to protect not only your child but yourself from a predator.
If this was my child and my husband, I wouldn’t hesitate in separating at least, letting my daughter know what the friend had done, and if anyone asks questions, telling them what this man has done. Its not okay and should not be taken lightly.
The thing about ‘getting what she deserved’ blows my mind like that is so unbelievably disgusting
>My husband 45m and I 37f have been together for roughly 18 years.
So you were 19 and he was 27 (almost 30) when you started going out?! That doesn’t seem right. No way someone way past college should want to be with someone barely in college.
>”hey remember that time I got arrested for being desperate enough to drug that girl’s drinks so I could fuck her?”
Rape
>He said that he got arrested for drugging a 15 year old who has snuck off to one of their college parties and “she got what she deserved because little girls shouldn’t sneak out and party with the big boys”.
Rape, sexual assault of a MINOR.
PEDOPHILIA! What a disgusting human. And your husband is HORRIBLE for saying something like that about a CHILD. Your daughter is only 1 year younger what if that was his kid?
>My husband said I’m overreacting and being a “drama queen ” and his buddy is a changed man who made a silly mistake like all 21 year olds do. I told him that attempted rape isn’t a silly mistake and that if he wants to defend his buddy he can follow him right out the door. We have a 14 year old daughter and he knowingly allows a predator to be around her.
You are completely right and not overreacting! The fact that he thinks pedophilia and rape is something you can just laugh off as a mistake is WILDLY concerning ESPECIALLY letting that man around your child.
You know what is a silly mistake? A 15 yr old sneaking off to a college party, parents finding out and being grounded for a couple weeks. You’ll laugh about that when you are older. You know what isn’t a silly mistake? Drugging someone (UNDERAGE) so you can rape them and then getting arrested for it.
PLEASE seriously reconsider your relationship with your husband. I would not want to be with someone who has or had any part in condoning rape, pedophilia, and letting it slide.