I have been seeing this guy (33M) for six months long distance. He is a great guy and we have a lot in common, on so many levels I think he is a great match for me. On the other hand, I feel emotionally smothered by him and it is causing me to lose attraction.
For context he was physically and emotionally abused by his mother as a child and adolescent and then she abandoned his family when he was a teenager.
He seems emotionally stable and is able to express himself to me in a healthy way and talk through issues, however he is incredibly clingy and needy and gets scared as he put it when I don’t reply to him sooner than later.
He is incredibly fearful of losing me he told me and will overdo it with attention and affection often which has become overwhelming. Sometimes I just want some space to like him back but he doesn’t give it to me. He is always telling me how much he likes me and misses me and how strongly he feels about me. He said he feels dependent on our communication and when he doesn’t have it he feels sad.
Recently there was an evening when I didn’t communicate with him much and he said he felt “sick and nervous” and thought I was “done with him.”
I don’t want to hurt him by bringing this up but I feel like I need to in order for this to last. How can I tell him?
TLDR: (33M) boyfriend is scared of losing me and smothers me with attention
25 comments
I think he knows it’s a problem, especially at his age and based on what he said. I would just bring it up and tell him to enroll in therapy and work on it because you really want the relationship to work but you feel smothered.
Yup, he needs therapy. You can’t be his everything and it’s not fair to you to have to be constantly at his beck and call.
You need to sit him down and explain to him very bluntly that his behavior is not compatible with what you want in a relationship.
The sucky part is, he might receive this so negatively that it could end your relationship, however, it is these types of big wake up call events that get people like this to change.
The unfortunate truth is, this is not going to just get better with time and you need to be very careful with a relationship like this. This is textbook abusive partner signs
I was this way in the beginning of my relationship. I definitely recommend therapy if he hasn’t tried that yet. Also, I recommend the book Attached. It sounds like he has anxious attachment. If he can realize that a lot of what he does is trauma related, he may be able to heal and be less over the top with his affection.
I think I’m going through this exact situation except I’m in his shoes. If you don’t communicate this it will completely RUIN everything.
I was with my partner for 5 years. It’s a long ass story but I’ll keep it short. About 6 months ago I moved to the same city as him and got my own place. I was injured in a car accident we were both in and haven’t been working for 7 months but receive 3k in lost wages every month until the doctors figure shit out. Out of no where I was blindsided and “kicked out.” The situation is insanely dramatic but reading between the lines the reasons for the break up don’t even make sense but I can tell he feels like I’m co dependent or something and that is NOT the case. I value our relationship but I ask questions and overly communicate on purpose. I have learned that he does NOT communicate and that can be worked on. I suggested couples therapy before the break up and after. The point is that if you don’t communicate you are telling that person that they aren’t important. Your needs are just as important and it strengthens the relationship by being flat out honest. I do see a therapist once per week. I wasn’t sitting on my ass doing nothing I was doing my entire bachelor degree in 6 months. I literally was almost done.
This situation fucked me over financially, emotionally, and I haven’t even been able to move because of the accident. It literally is so shitty having to go through this. You will destroy that person and you can kiss your relationship goodbye. 5 years is a lot longer and I have had to make the decision thet we need to live separately and work on our relationship and go to therapy if this is going to work (I think it can). But I will say that how I feel about my partner is basically as my other half until the trust was destroyed from this.
I’m in a city with no one I know, not much resources and it’s so awful. I hope you communicate in advance and always know you are doing the right thing even if you think you are hurting their feelings. You are not.
This snowballed for me three weeks ago. I’ve never felt more like trash in my whole life. The worst part is I’m barely talking to my best friend and we are in that weird phase where it seems like there isn’t any hope and the dumper just feels guilt for handling things the wrong way. Especially being impulsive when their random decision to kick me out was made when they were intoxicated.
If my partner had taken the time to discuss this issue it never would have happened. I think that telling them your frustration and giving them options towards working on the issue is the only way. Don’t say things randomly like I’m busy out of no where. Say, I’m available for you at these times on these days due to this and that. I need you to respect that and here is why. Give them a chance and positive reinforcement for any type of improvement.
Relationships are an investment. That can be in so many different ways. Don’t pull the carpet from underneath. I hate seeing couples break up when there are issues. Every relationship has issues and will always be imperfect. Be there for them at their worst, and you will be rewarded with a partner for life. Communication sets the boundary so you aren’t enabling them or being taken advantage of.
Why are you dating someone so long distance? This clearly isn’t a long term relationship that went long distance, it’s a pretty new relationship. You don’t even live in the same place and you’re already developing all these issues and I’m just wondering if there is even some plan where you’d be together in the same place in the future. It kinda just seems like a waste of time with someone who is already showing red flags.
Aside from him needing therapy as others have said, it would be good for you to set very specific boundaries. I imagine it might make it easier for him if he has clear instructions about what you need and what he should expect from you in terms of communication, affections, etc
I might also add for context that I personally wouldn’t deal with this for a second. His behaviour is extreme in my opinion, and absolutely no way for an adult human to behave.
That sounds like the exact opposite of emotionally stable. He has some serious insecurity and attachment issues he needs to work on and it’s even worse that he’s 33. He’s gone at least 13 years coherent enough to work on himself as a person and yet has not even recognized this is an issue he has. Has he been in relationships before? If you are interested in continuing a relationship with him then you definitely want to let him know you are feeling smothered and that’s not an attack on him but something he should work on for himself. Maybe seek therapy but this is not healthy and if you are already feeling less attracted to him because of this and you’re less than a year in then your own happiness is at risk if you make any decisions to stay and simply tolerate. He probably is a great guy but if you are going to have a truly healthy relationship together then he needs seriously get a grip on these feelings and just let him know you support him.
I only read a couple comments so if I repeat something someone already said, I apologize. I think you just have an honest talk with him and be gentle about it. An example: (insert name here) I would really like to talk about our relationship. I really enjoy being with you and feel as though it’s quite possible we could spend our lives together (if that is how you feel, I just said that because of you saying you feel there’s potential there so obviously word it however you feel comfortable) and because of that I need to be honest with you about how I’m feeling or this will never last. I understand you have issues from your upbringing and I try to be as understanding as I can, but sometimes I feel a lot of pressure from you, if I’m being honest a little suffocated. I want to be honest with you because I do really like you. I know you have been to therapy in the past, but I also know sometimes therapy needs to be an ongoing thing. The fact that you get so upset, worried and stressed if I’m not able to respond for a while makes me feel as if it would be helpful to see a therapist again to help you be able to cope with times like this, so you feel better and I don’t feel so much pressure.
Unfortunately I don’t see anyway around having to be honest and direct but gentle about it. Tbh, if you can’t have an open and honest conversation, is it the relationship for you? Because you should feel like you can express yourself. I know subjects like this can be touchy and you have to be careful, but it still boils down to being honest but gentle.
He thinks you’re going to abandon him like his mother did.
He won’t get over this in his own, he needs to go to therapy.
Encourage him to seek therapy
How often do you communicate with each other, and how often are you willing to communicate with him?
It sounds like a LDR might not be right for him. I feel I’m in a similar situation, with me in your bf’s shoes. My bf is an under-communicator normally, and shuts down even more when he feels overwhelmed. I have past trauma from being given the silent treatment, and when he starts pulling back on communication without first communicating with me that he needs some space and will check in with me in such and such a way, then it sends me into a panic.
I think this kind of anxious attachment style can easily tip over into boundary violations, jealousy, serious insecurities, and even emotional abuse.
So I would personally tell him that it’s a problem and he does need to consider seeing a therapist.
I would not stay in this relationship if he weren’t actively seeking out or participating in regular therapy sessions to address it.
I wonder if DBT would help him since he has a fear of abandonment… it’s a good therapy, if intensive
I would ask him how you can reassure him that you are not going anywhere while still allowing yourself to have space. If he has been thru therapy as he says he should have some insight into how his feelings can be managed. If he doesnt, he should reconsider therapy to help with with his attachment style.
Look up articles about anxious attachment style. Email one or two to him to read.
Tell him that you don’t think he has resolved these issues. Tell him that, even though he thinks he has concluded work with a counselor, he has additional work to be done with a therapist if he would like this relationship to continue or if he would like another relationship in the future.
If he doesn’t believe you, simply say this: I feel smothered and pressured by your constant need for contant and reassurance. It makes me seriously consider ending the relationship even though I love and value so many other parts of you and our relationship. Please consider getting some more help so that our relationship can be more balanced.” And then stop and listen. Don’t water down the message. Don’t feel badly about saying it. Don’t make applogies. Don’t word vomit. Be short, sweet (kind), and to the point so the messages are crystal clear to him. Then he knows you love him but the ball is in his court. He knows that you will be pleased if he makes progress, and he knows you will likely have to end the relationship if he does not.
You are doing him a huge favor by sharing this with him… no matter if you ultimately end up with him or if someone else does. It is clear you care for hom.and east the best for him, so please tell him.
I’m going to be the only real person in the comments. What everyone is saying is a complete farce. This dude clearly likes you. And you play games in your head to be attracted to men. So why don’t you take responsibility and express how you feel? Instead of turning to complete strangers online with no actual knowledge of you or your bf.
Sounds to me like he has an anxious attachement style. If he recognizes that he has a problem, he has to work on his issues. Maybe he doesn’t really know what is wrong with him but he knows something is wrong. My advise would be to look up attachements styles on your own or better yet, with him, and learn which attachement each of you have, and how to work on them so you 2 can develop a healthy relationship.
Hello! I am your boyfriend!
When I feel my partner being smothered he will never say to me outright “I need space from you” or “you are smothering me” he’ll say things like “you have to trust me that I love you, don’t you remember [insert weekend or trip away he organised, or deep and meaningful conversation we had. Something that reminds me of our deep connection and commitment to one another]” just through repeated actions I have learned to let go a bit and trust him
Anytime I’m feeling anxious and want to attach myself more to my partner, it’s often because something else is underlying. I was really clingy when I lost my job, or when I was om bedpost out of surgery. Maybe he’s got things going on in his life that’s making him feel more vulnerable and seeking more reassurance, too? Perhaps you could ask him?
The best thing is to approach him with as much kindness and love as you can. Try go on the journey with him to uncover what’s been bothering him, suggest self soothing exercises. Being abrupt will only make him sprial more. Hurt people take so much longer to feel safe and secure… but he will eventually get better.
If you are doing this and it’s still getting out of hand, perhaps it’s time to have a conversation with him about therapy? Reading the book “Attached” helped me alot understand my own patterns and behaviours
Massive abandonment issues. People can navigate out of it but you both need serious therapy. You need to understand what that entails too . He will need a lot of constant reassurance, if that’s not you, You need to let him know
Some relationships are only meant to be learning opportunities for the next one.
If he’s intuitive and self aware he will see why this relationship failed and what he needs to do to help his next one be successful.
Also, how long distance is it?
He has some trust issues he has to work on. And it doesn’t matter how understanding and patient you are to his background and situation.
He will never change if he doesn’t work on himself.
In my opinion, all you can do is communicate exactly what you’re communicating here. If he doesn’t take that seriously and have the insight he needs to change. Well……..
And remember; telling you he will change is not enough.
I’ve read most of the comments and i’ll try a different suggestion as an added option for you.
Take it with a grain of salt, as I’m making a very big assumption.
Your partner might be having separation anxiety, yknow like when puppies don’t see their owners they get worried and anxious. OR his thoughts and wondering about the what if’s is his main thoughts throughout the day.
He should, find other things to focus on, work/studies and such. How to improve his career, investments maybe too. What his hobbies are and spend some time on that. These are things that gives self love, confidence to one self. And also act as a distraction.
You don’t have to think or worry that a partner would run away. These are all what-ifs, and what-ifs are things that doesnt happen and might not happen. It’s not a very healthy thought to have (too much) of. A more healthier approach would be to think how I can charge up the love battery of my partner, make them feel appreciated and love. If they run away it’s their loss cause I tried my best and it’s genuine.
Tldr: BF should try loving and investing in himself for future growth (personal or career wise) it acts as a distraction. As well as leads to a good future ahead as a partner. It gives confidence, and the worries of losing your partner those thoughts starts to dissapear. 🙂 goodluck my redditor! Whatever ur approach i wish u and ur partner all the best!
Hahaha NICE !!!
Misandry at its finest.
If the roles were reversed and the guy had this issue with his girl he’d be called everything negative under the sun for not being there for her. But in this case where he just need more communication, he’s still the one at fault and needs therapy…. What he really needs is someone who actually wants to be in a relationship with him and is more than happy to be more communicative.